Anyway, Robert, are you being overly sensitive? Probably. Being that you call yourself Robert instead of Bob, Rob or Robbie, Spike suspects you’re the prissy type who would get offended if someone asked you if they could “bum a fag” in London. But Spike can see your perspective. And by introducing you as “one of my gays” Sarah IS actually pigeon-holing you. She’s defining you immediately to strangers solely by your sexuality and your relationship with her, and that seems rather short-sighted. One would think that an intelligent liberal fag-hag would be a bit more sensitive to something like that since she would theoretically appreciate that on an individual basis we’re all quite different and would want to convey that fact to the rest of the world.

So Spike thinks that as a friend you should probably bring the issue to her attention, but which approach to take depends entirely on what you think motivates her.

For example, Spike has an acquaintance whose 70-year-old mother refers to all gay people as “The Gays.” When Pride comes around she’ll ask her son questions like, “So what are The Gays doing for their festival this year?” That seems to be a pretty common way of referring to various groups among people of her generation. You’ve got The Gays, The Blacks, The Mexicans, etc...all apparently living down the street next to the Smiths and the Washingtons. Perhaps Sarah’s adoption of the phrase “my gays” is meant to be an ironic twist on this sort of detached nomenclature. She may be making a social or political statement by acknowledging its existence but personalizing it to let people know that she’s down with queers.

If that’s the case, then you’d actually be doing her a favor by letting her know that she’s unintentionally offending the very people she’s trying to publicly embrace, so just be direct. You’ll probably have to spend an hour explaining exactly why it’s offensive, but eventually Spike is sure she’ll get it and she’ll probably be absolutely giddy thinking that she’s moved that much closer to being an actual gay man with her new insight.

On the other hand, it could just be an annoying chick/gay guy thing. Not to generalize here (okay, so Spike is completely generalizing, but so what? that’s the beauty of having one’s own column), straight women and gay guys have a habit of using cutsie little expressions and nicknames. Who do you think decided that vegetables should henceforth be referred to as Veggies? Straight women and/or gay men, of course. And why? Was it really that difficult to say the full word or use specific names like carrots or broccoli? Hell, no! It just sounded cuter and straight women and gay men love to fill the world with precious, irritating little names for things.

In fact, Spike would be willing to bet his entire year’s salary for writing this column (which wouldn’t buy you a pack of gum, but hey, it’s the principle that counts) that straight women/gay men were responsible for such semantic blights on our culture as “Bennifer” and “Brangelina” (which sounds to Spike like some sort of whole grain feminine hygiene product), “chicklit,” “mani-pedi,” and the names of all coffee drinks served at Starbucks that aren’t actually French or Italian And Spike is also certain that straight women/gay men were behind the naming of any product or restaurant chain with an overly cutesy name. Coca Cola, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken...definitely thought up by straight guys (or lesbians). Orville Redenbacker, Fuddruckers, Otis Spunkmeyer (just the sound of which makes Spike want to wretch), and KFC...straight chicks or fags.

And what could be more cloying and precious than “my gays?” Well, maybe “Pink Posse,” but “my gays” runs a close second, so it’s more than possible that Sarah has adopted the phrase just because she thinks it’s “cute.” If that’s the case, the next time she says it, just hold up your hand (since Spike is sure you and your friends are still working that tired old “talk to the hand” thing) and tell her it wasn’t cute the first time and it’s getting even less cute over time. And while you’re at it, tell her that all semolina-based products should always be referred to by their proper names (spaghetti, ziti, rotini) instead of the general designation of "pasta" and that you lied every time you told her those stretch leggings looked good on her.

The final possibility is that Sarah does, indeed, think of you and your friends as accessories. Some people accessorize with shoes and purses, some do it with Vietnamese babies, and some do it with gays. “My gays” may be her way of demonstrating her own wonderfulness in openly embracing a downtrodden minority (the equivalent of “Some of my best friends are black” to prove a lack of racial prejudice).

If that’s the case, then you should teach her by example. The next time you introduce her to someone, just say, “This is my Jew, Sarah.” Is this patently offensive and potentially going to destroy your relationship? Sure, but Spike is pretty sure you’ll only need to do it once, and if she thinks of you as just a glamorous accessory you don’t want her as a friend anyway.

So best of luck, Robert, and the next time you and Sarah get together for another pathetic 80s revival, be sure not to call.

Ciao for now,
Spike

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.