Toxic Dump
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I have a rather unpleasant work-related problem. My desk is located near a bathroom. Under normal conditions it's not an ideal place to be. But to make matters worse, one daily user (a VP) always leaves it with what could best be described as the zesty scent of a rarely-serviced Calcutta bus station. I don't know what this guy eats, but I'm convinced Taco Bell has an all-the-spoiled-burritos-you-can-hold-down special.
I understand that when one has to do one's business one has to do one's business, but there's a large, multi-stall bathroom right down the hall from our office this guy could use. But instead he decides to favor me with his stench (maybe it's some sort of alpha male display) and I’m always worried that other people will smell it and think I have an intestinal disorder.
How should I handle this? As I said, he’s a vice president and I’m just a lowly administrative assistant so he’s much further up the food chain than I am. I’m seriously thinking about quitting just to get away from this situation.
— Working in a Toilet, Passaic, New Jersey
Dear Working — Are you certain that what you’re smelling is emanating from the bathroom? After all, you DO work in Passaic. Someone might just have opened a window. But Spike jests, of course. That would only happen if you worked in Newark or East Orange.
When Spike reads letters like yours he realizes just how lucky he is to work alone. He doesn’t want to even THINK about other people’s bodily functions never mind having to experience them in Sense-Surround. Fortunately, being that you are just a “lowly administrative assistant,” you really don’t have to deal with the problem yourself. That’s why bosses exist (you didn’t think they were actually there to like offer guidance or run the company, did you?).
As Spike sees it, you can handle it one of two ways. If your boss is a good guy/gal just tell him/her about it. If he/she is a dick, then Spike thinks it would only be fair to let him/her have the full olfactory experience personally. By now you probably have a pretty good handle on Mr. Stinky's movements, so to speak, so when you think he's about to make his exit call your boss with some lame excuse to get him/her to your desk. Then when you see your boss’ nostrils begin to flare in revulsion just casually say, “Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. It happens every morning.”
After that it’s the boss’ responsibility to address the problem...and also to protect you so that Toxic Ass can’t take retribution against you professionally. Spike thinks you should settle for nothing short of a raise, retroactive combat pay, and a new desk on the far side of the office.
If, however, your boss is a typical cowardly sycophant you may have to take matters into your own hands. Given your position in the pecking order, however, you’ll have to be careful, so Spike suggests a little covert pre-emptive strike. Wait until 9:50, go into the bathroom and remove all the toilet paper and paper towels. Then dribble water (or other liquid of your choice) all over the toilet seat and hurry back to your desk.
If that doesn’t work, then absolutely quit. Immediately. And be sure you don’t touch any doorknobs or light switches on your way out.
So best of luck, Working.
Ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
