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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During the latest Democratic debate in New Hampshire, leading White House candidates could not guarantee to pull all U.S. combat troops from Iraq by 2013 -- or as it is now being called: the nuanced response heard round the world.
A lawyer representing some inmates at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba says he has been prohibited from giving his clients such items as Speedo swimsuits and Under Armour briefs. Authorities, however, claim that before interrogations, prisoners receive the option of being tortured in boxers or briefs.
In his just-released autobiography, “My Grandfather's Son,” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas attempts to set the record straight about his contentious nomination hearings. For example, what actually impressed him about Long Dong Silver was the porn star’s ability to use service station rest rooms without leaving his car.
The airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested has undergone renovations. Changes include:
• Each stall has a TV broadcasting Fox News.
• The middle stall has been endowed by George Michael.
• Translators fluent in Spanish and French hand signals are now on duty.
• Thursday is Bojangles tap night.
Mess-achusetts Musings
Father and son contractors from Marshfield were indicted for stealing $250,000 by rigging their scales to inflate the amount of debris they hauled away from the Big Dig project. The defendants claimed the discrepancy didn’t take into consideration the added weight of Whitey Bulger’s victims.
Small Street Journal
The Topps Meat Company is recalling 21.7 million pounds of ground beef that may be contaminated with E. coli bacteria, most of which was delivered by father and son contractors from Marshfield, Massachusetts.
Media Bites
According to Forbes.com, Oprah Winfrey, who earned an estimated $260 million last year, is the richest celebrity on television. This total is expected to increase to $300 million when she puts Dr. Phil out to stud.
Inside Scoop
Before meeting with his foreign policy advisors, Fred Thompson was prepared to demand the removal of the Berlin Wall.
Weekly prediction
President Bush will declare his appeal to end global warming a success after noticing an increase in Halloween trick-or-treaters dressed as polar bears.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — Last night my partner, Cristopher, and I were out at a club and we met a guy named Ray who was visiting from LA. He was a really great guy and we hung out all night talking and drinking and dancing together. I have to admit that I found him really attractive and it seemed like the attraction was mutual. It also seemed like there was some mutual chemistry between Ray and Cristopher. At the end of the night, we exchanged phone numbers and made tentative plans for all of us to met up again before Ray leaves town.
After we got home and were laying in bed Cristopher suddenly asked me what I thought about the idea of having a threesome with Ray. I was shocked and excited at the prospect. Cristopher and I are both in our early 30s and we’ve been together for 5 years. In all that time we’ve never even talked about introducing a third party into our sex life and so far as I know we’ve both been completely faithful.
I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not so I just kind of laughed it off and said, “Sure, honey, whatever you want.” I figured when he was sobered up he’d forget all about it. But this morning at breakfast he asked me if I was serious about going through with the threesome. It actually kind of bothered me that he brought it up again because I started to feel insecure and it made me wonder if he’s been wanting to have sex with other guys for a while. I asked him and he reassured me that he’s very happy with our sex life but that it was obvious that we were both attracted to Ray so why not have an adventure?
What he said makes sense, and the idea of a threesome with Ray is very exciting, but at the same time the whole thing is making me kind of uncomfortable. What do you think I should do? Ray is only here for another 3 days so I have to make a decision quickly.
Thanks,
— On the Fence, Chicago
Dear Fence — You need to make a decision within 3 days and you’re writing to Spike? What, like Spike has nothing better to do at 7 on a Sunday morning than read and immediately respond to his readers’ letters? Well you happen to be in luck because the circus midgets had to get back home so the orgy broke up early this morning.
Now let’s see, should you put your stable 5-year relationship on the line for a piece of hot, itinerant ass? Absolutely...so long as you and Cristopher (who seems to be missing an H) are both completely confident that neither of you is going to feel lingering jealousy and resentment watching the other doing the nasty with a stranger, and that you’re also sure that Ray isn’t going to introduce some pesky STD into your relationship.
Oh wait, you said you’re feeling uncomfortable about the whole thing, and you didn’t mention Ray taking a blood test last night. Hmmm...maybe not such a good idea, do you think?
Look Fence, maybe having a threesome would be a great adventure for you and your man. Maybe it would spice up your sex life without causing any emotional fallout. But if you’re having any doubts whatsoever, don’t do it now.
You both need to take some time to really think it through and discuss your mutual concerns. Be as honest as you can with yourself and with Cristopher and ask him to do the same. Then if you decide it’s something you’d both like to do, great. You might miss out on Ray, but at least you’ll be sure you’re not making a stupid mistake that’s going to permanently hurt your relationship. Besides, LA is only a 3-hour flight from Chicago.
So ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Mitt Romney released a 67-page booklet called “Strategy for a Stronger America” in which he presents 10 challenges for a stronger nation. Here are some challenges that didn't survive the first draft:
• Curbing out-of-control campaign promises
• Ending the tide of illegal immigrants -- after they've finished mowing my lawn
• Confronting radical jihad --- preferably with the help of somebody else’s kids
• Criminalizing abortion by Monday -- and legalizing it by Wednesday
• Winning the global economic competition -- while earning $8.50 an hour with no benefits
President Bush accused the Democratic Congress of out-of-control spending, proving once again, he’s the man who puts the chutz in chutzpah.
Rudy Giuliani “accidentally” received another cell phone call from his wife during a speech to the NRA. Will it help promote him as a family man? It depends if the call was from wife number 1, 2, or 3.
To anyone who thinks Hillary Clinton was out of line for calling Vice President Dick Cheney, Darth Vader, consider this: Have you ever seen Dick Cheney and Darth Vader together?
Mess-achusetts Musings
An MIT student was arrested after entering Logan International Airport with a device strapped to her chest that appeared to be a bomb. Authorities first became suspicious when she asked a ticket agent if there were any seats left in the exploding section.
A woman is suing the Franklin Park Zoo after being attacked by Little Joe, an escaped 300-pound gorilla. It was also revealed that Little Joe has already attacked 38 students in his anger management class.
Media Bites
Dan Rather filed a $70-million lawsuit against CBS, claiming they made him a "scapegoat" for the questionable story about President Bush's military service. Rather is also asking for the return of his lucky coffee mug.
Small Street Journal
MarryOurDaughter.com, a matrimony-for-money Web site that enables parents to sell their daughters off to the highest bidder, turned out to be a hoax. Upon learning this, Rudy Giuliani revoked three of his bids.
Inside Scoop
Barack Obama hones his likeability skills by watching old Perry Como video tapes.
Weekly prediction
Congress’s approval rating will sink even lower after it fails for pass a non-binding resolution stating: “War is a bummer, dude.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m getting to that point in my life where I’m starting to evaluate the things I’ve done, the things I wish I hadn’t done, and the things I wish I had done. Maybe I’m having a mid-life crisis (I’m 55), but I find myself spending more and more time fixating on regrets and a general malaise has set in. When I think about my future I don’t see anything new happening. It feels like I’ve done everything new I’m ever going to, and half of those things I wish I hadn’t done.
I’m not suicidal or anything, but I don’t look forward to the future with much hope. It just seems like something to endure. Any advice?
— Down in Revere, MA
Dear Down — Hold on a second, Spike can’t hear you over all the violin music. Can you dial down the self-pity for a second? Ah, thanks, that’s better. Now what was that you were saying? You’re having a mid-life crisis? Spike supposes that’s possible...if you’re going to live to be 110, but with your attitude THAT’S not very likely to happen.
Assuming the need for mood-altering meds has already been ruled out by your physician, Spike thinks that what you really need is a new perspective on life, Down.
First of all, what’s the point of dwelling on regrets? The past has passed and no matter how much time you spend reliving it the outcome is always going to be the same. Do you think that if you keep watching "Moonstruck" over and over that maybe one time Cher's performance will actually deserve an Oscar? Hell no. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and move forward.
And what makes you think that you’ve already done everything you ever will? If you’re in reasonable health, you still probably have another 20 to 30 years left. That may not seem like a lot now because as we get older time seems to compress, but 20+ years is a very long time...especially if you’re miserable the whole time. 20+ years is the difference between being born and graduating college. It’s certainly more than enough time to have new experiences. Look at Madonna. She didn’t start faking an interest in the Kabbalah until she was well into her 60s, had her first kid at 70, and didn’t take up yoga until she was almost 80. So there’s plenty of time for you to have new experiences.
The key is to set some goals for yourself. First ask yourself what you’ve always wanted to do that you haven’t, and what you’d like to accomplish or experience in the time you have left. Then outline some concrete steps to help you realize those dreams. If you want to travel, start saving the money and planning an ideal itinerary now. If you want to become a taxidermist, starting taking classes and killing small animals now (Spike jests, of course, about that second part). The point is that to get to anywhere else you have to start by taking a first step now.
The reality is that you may never actually achieve your goals, but that doesn’t matter. So long as you have something to work toward you’ll find your life more fulfilling. Remember the whole “life is a journey, not a destination” thing.
The other thing you might try is to make some immediate changes to improve the quality of your life, like getting the hell out of Revere. If that’s not possible (because you don't drive and your parole officer and/or the meth clinic are within walking distance), you might consider adopting a pet...assuming your last one didn't die of boredom from listening to you whine endlessly about your miserable life.
Now adopting a pet isn’t something to be undertaken lightly because it does require a strong commitment on your part, but nothing will give your life meaning faster than to know that you have another creature that depends on you completely and loves you unconditionally...like Liza Minelli during the first month of marriage. Studies show that pet owners live longer and are happier than people without pets. Besides, it doesn't sound like you have anything better to do than follow around a little fuzz ball and pick up its poop. www.petfinder.com is a great resource for finding all sorts of critters in need of homes in your area.
So buck up, Down. As that profound philosopher Hannah Montana sings, “Life’s What You Make It.”
Ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
General David Petraeus could not have appreciated being called “General Betray Us” in a full-page ad placed by Moveon.org in the New York Times. Perhaps it’s time for him to step down and promote his able assistant, Major Calvin P. Cutandrun.
Sen. Hillary Clinton announced she’ll return $850,000 in campaign donations solicited by Norman Hsu -- but only after spending one more evening rolling around naked in it.
Critics claiming that Fred Thompson is too lazy to run for president point out that since beginning his campaign bus tour on Thursday, he’s been averaging only three campaign stops a day. However, Thompson said that didn’t include trips to Disneyland, the Grand Canyon, and Branson Missouri.
President Bush’s latest catch-phrase for staying in Iraq is “Return on success,” which narrowly beat out “I’ll show you, Dad!”
Mess-achusetts Musings
Suffolk D.A. Daniel Conley further inflamed his turf war with Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis when he placed the State Police in charge of investigating homicides on MBTA buses, trains, stations, and platforms. Said one Boston detective: “They can have the murderers, but please don’t take our public urinators!”
The FBI released a photograph and a video of a couple bearing a striking resemblance to FBI's “Ten Most Wanted” fugitives Whitey Bulger and his longtime girlfriend, Catherine Greig. The photo also looks just like the one in Bulger’s MySpace profile.
Small Street Journal
In his just-released memoir, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan criticizes President Bush and Republicans for their out-of-control spending that created record deficits. A Bush spokesman said their response to the charges will be released just as soon as the White House calligraphist finishes etching it on a solid-gold plate.
Inside Scoop
If elected president, Tom Tancredo’s immigration plan would involve deporting every Hispanic in the United States except Salma Hayek, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Eva Longoria, and José Jiménez.
Media Bites
At tonight’s Emmy Awards, Al Gore will receive an “interactive television services” Emmy, a noncompetitive award for his online video venture “Current TV” – guaranteeing the introduction speech will be as boring as the acceptance speech.
Weekly prediction
The Democratic Party will try to appeal to Red State voters by sponsoring the first Prius in a NASCAR race.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — How old is too old to go out to dance clubs? I’m a 50-year-old man and I still love going out dancing, but none of my friends the same age will go with me anymore. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I’ve passed the point where it’s appropriate to be shaking my groove thang.
— Perpetual Dancing Queen, Boston
Dear Perpetual — How old is too old to go out to dance clubs? One is NEVER too old to go to dance clubs...just to do it with dignity. Look over your right shoulder. You see that things that looks kind of like a monkey having an epileptic seizure about 15 years behind you? That’s what’s left of your dignity. Not pretty, is it?
Now does that mean you should stop going to dance clubs? Not necessarily. Spike supposes it depends on the size of your Social Security checks. You see, Perpetual, there’s actually a hallowed tradition of older gay men who continue to haunt the clubs long after they should be at home watching reruns of “Murder, She Wrote,” and these men are not only accepted, but sometimes even venerated on the scene...so long as they continue to buy drinks for all the young hotties and give up the second time someone rejects one of their desperate, awkward sexual advances. These toothless benefactors can usually be found holding court at the end of the bar or in a corner booth, surrounded by inexplicably cute guys and with a pile of crisp twenties stacked in front of them. So long as you don’t mind becoming one of these sugar trolls, by all means, keep going to the clubs. But stay off the dance floor unless your nurse has to push your wheelchair across it to get to the bathroom.
As for whether it’s inappropriate for you to shake your “groove thang” at all? No, of course not. So long as you don’t break a hip you should dance whenever the inspiration strikes...in the privacy of your own home...alone...with the curtains closed...and the lights REALLY REALLY dim...because no one should EVER have to see a 50-year-old man dance unless it’s a waltz or his last name is Baryshnikov.
Best of luck, Wrinkle Toes!
Ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Master thespian Fred Thompson used an appearance on the “Tonight” show as an opportunity to throw his SAG card into the ring. Now, it’s time to find out about the real Fred Thompson. Is he the gruff but stoic district attorney Arthur Branch in “Law and Order?” The gruff but stoic Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in “The Hunt for Red October?” Or the gruff but stoic Maj. Gen. Melrose Hayden Barry in “Fat Man and Little Boy?”
Osama bin Laden, appearing on video for the first time in three years, urged Americans to convert to radical Islam. He even says he has no problem with American suicide bombers changing their final words from “Praise to Allah” to a more inclusive “Season’s Greetings.”
Colorado authorities finally caught disgraced Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu. Hours of relentless questioning by detectives resulted in a $10,000 donation to the Hillary Clinton Campaign by the Grand Junction police department.
A panel of retired senior military and police officers recommended that the U.S. lower its profile in Iraq. Here are five ways this can be accomplished:
• Change “Green Zone” to Beige Zone”
• Commission John Tesh to write new fight songs
• Switch from Humvees to armor-plated camels
• Invisible National Guard troops (If needed, ask President Bush how it’s done.)
• Friendlier house-to-house searches: Soldiers out, Amway salesmen in
Mess-achusetts Musings
Supporters of an abstinence-only education program are urging Governor Deval Patrick to accept a $700,000 federal grant to keep the program alive. Patrick said, “It doesn’t make sense to pay $700,000 to convince people not to have sex when you can pay $50 to have sex.”
Small Street Journal
Apple lowered the price of its iPhone from $599 to $399 just months after the product was launched. Customers are so angry they’re threatening not to buy the upgrade when the current model becomes obsolete next week.
Inside Scoop
Desperate for an alibi, Senator Larry Craig has hired deaf actress Marlee Matlin to teach him how to sign the words “Do you have any extra toilet paper?”
Media Bites
Katie Couric prepped for her interview with Syrian dictator Bashar Assad by listening to “Diplomacy” by Henry Kissinger on tape while an intern gave her hummus rubdowns.
Weekly Prediction
Mitt Romney will announce he should have conducted a more thorough background check of his former California campaign treasurer, Charles Manson.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Dogging allegations
While waiting to appear with his future companion on “Oprah” to plug their new Boise bed and breakfast as well as his I’m-glad-I-got-that-off-my-newly-waxed-chest memoir, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has hired a legal team that includes Michael Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin. This case may have nothing to do with a dog-fighting gambling ring, but it does raise the obvious question: When betting on anonymous men’s room sexual encounters, how can you tell who’s winning?
In a related story, Mitt Romney announced he’s never set foot in a public restroom.
In a related story to the related story, Mitt Romney announced he did knock on restroom stall doors in the 1960s but only while doing missionary work.
Three out of 18 missions accomplished is nothing to sneeze at
A draft of a GAO report says Iraq has met only three of 18 congressionally-mandated benchmarks for political and military progress. A White House spokesman disagreed, noting the report “failed to mention that the Green Zone Baskin-Robbins now carries Jamoca Jihad and Shiite Sherbet.”
And then the Jews and the Arabs will sing “Kumbaya”
According to a new book, “The Confidante: Condoleezza Rice and the Creation of the Bush Legacy,” Rice thought President Bush's Mideast peace program was unworkable. So much that she frequently confused it with President Bush's Mideast war program.
Mess-achusetts Musings
A bullet was shot through a Statehouse window during non-working hours. Authorities have narrowed the list of suspects to every Massachusetts taxpayer.
A former Registry of Motor Vehicles clerk was charged with stealing $76,000 from the agency. Prosecutors are recommending she be sentenced to the amount of time an average citizen has to wait in an RMV line to renew their license.
Small Street Journal
Sharp Corporation unveiled what it claims to be the world's thinnest LCD TV. The only problem: The main display is only 20 mm thick, meaning Kirstie Alley can only fit in the screen while holding her breath.
Inside Scoop
The only reason Fred Thompson will not run for president is if he’s offered the lead role in the film version of “Hee Haw.”
Media Bites
Fox News criticized CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric for reporting from Iraq, wondering if it was a “ratings ploy or legitimate journalism.” Fox’s report was then interrupted by a breaking story about illegal aliens working as topless dancers.
Weekly Prediction
After winning the Texas Republican Party Straw Poll, Duncan Hunter will try to keep the momentum going by changing his legal name to Ronald Raygun.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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