Political Shorts - 5
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Master thespian Fred Thompson used an appearance on the “Tonight” show as an opportunity to throw his SAG card into the ring. Now, it’s time to find out about the real Fred Thompson. Is he the gruff but stoic district attorney Arthur Branch in “Law and Order?” The gruff but stoic Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in “The Hunt for Red October?” Or the gruff but stoic Maj. Gen. Melrose Hayden Barry in “Fat Man and Little Boy?”
Osama bin Laden, appearing on video for the first time in three years, urged Americans to convert to radical Islam. He even says he has no problem with American suicide bombers changing their final words from “Praise to Allah” to a more inclusive “Season’s Greetings.”
Colorado authorities finally caught disgraced Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu. Hours of relentless questioning by detectives resulted in a $10,000 donation to the Hillary Clinton Campaign by the Grand Junction police department.
A panel of retired senior military and police officers recommended that the U.S. lower its profile in Iraq. Here are five ways this can be accomplished:
• Change “Green Zone” to Beige Zone”
• Commission John Tesh to write new fight songs
• Switch from Humvees to armor-plated camels
• Invisible National Guard troops (If needed, ask President Bush how it’s done.)
• Friendlier house-to-house searches: Soldiers out, Amway salesmen in
Mess-achusetts Musings
Supporters of an abstinence-only education program are urging Governor Deval Patrick to accept a $700,000 federal grant to keep the program alive. Patrick said, “It doesn’t make sense to pay $700,000 to convince people not to have sex when you can pay $50 to have sex.”
Small Street Journal
Apple lowered the price of its iPhone from $599 to $399 just months after the product was launched. Customers are so angry they’re threatening not to buy the upgrade when the current model becomes obsolete next week.
Inside Scoop
Desperate for an alibi, Senator Larry Craig has hired deaf actress Marlee Matlin to teach him how to sign the words “Do you have any extra toilet paper?”
Media Bites
Katie Couric prepped for her interview with Syrian dictator Bashar Assad by listening to “Diplomacy” by Henry Kissinger on tape while an intern gave her hummus rubdowns.
Weekly Prediction
Mitt Romney will announce he should have conducted a more thorough background check of his former California campaign treasurer, Charles Manson.
