Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney explained that his mixing up the names of Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama was simply a mistake. He also said this when he referred to:
• Hillary Hitler
• Massachusetts Gov. Deval Putin
• Rudy Mussolini
• O.J. McCain
• Attila the Huckabee.

Fred Thompson is pledging to get tough with illegal immigrants -- just as long as it doesn't cut into his nap time.

Five signs you’re suffering from campaign debate fatigue:
• You’ve seen every pant suit owned by Hillary Clinton.
• You can identify Mike Gravel and Ron Paul.
• You change channels if you know there won’t be any shots of Dennis Kucinich’s babe-alicious wife.
• You know when Rudy Giuliani will say “9/11” before he does.
• The candidates start to make sense.

Mess-achusetts Musings
The governors from Massachusetts and Colorado have made their traditional World Series wager: Massachusetts lobsters and ice cream, and Colorado beef. Here are some items that would be more representative of the Bay State:
• 10 million gallons of pure Big Dig Tunnel bottled water
• A fried clam that’s been under a Howard Johnsons heat lamp since the 1975 World Series
• A Fenway Frank that doubles as a middle finger when diving in Boston
• A Tom Menino-to-English dictionary
• A lobster that comes with its own six-figure state pension.

The Massachusetts restaurant chain "Not Your Average Joe's" announced thieves have stolen its customer's credit card data. If you've eaten there in the past two months, you might want to check whether you've been billed $10,000 for mozzarella sticks.

Small Street Journal
Steelcase Inc., a Grand Rapids, Michigan company has developed a combination treadmill / computer workstation -- the perfect tool for people whose jobs are going nowhere.

The US Food and Drug Administration has decided to put more prominent warnings of potential hearing loss on the impotence drugs Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. This is important because there's nothing less exciting during sex than someone screaming your name in sign language.

Media Bites
FEMA has apologized for holding a fake news conference using fake reporters during the California wildfires. They are also considering apologizing for providing fake Hurricane Katrinia emergency relief.

Four questions World Series sports reporters don't have the guts to ask:
• Is there room for one more in that whirlpool?
• Who taught you to throw like a girl?
• Did you lift weights to build up those love handles?
• If it's not about the money, can you lend me $50 bucks?

Inside Scoop
Barack Obama’s unofficial campaign advisor, Oprah Winfrey, swears he can overtake Hillary Clinton by giving every American a free car.

Weekly prediction
After gaining the support of conservative clergyman Bob Jones III, Mitt Romney will announce he's locked up the endorsement of Serbian war crimes fugitive Ratko Mladic.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:53 AM

Politics / Humor - Politics, like football, is a game of inches.

Possible Captions

• How was my luck on eHarmony.com? Let me put it this way...

• Rumsfeld? I didn't feel a thing.

• He actually called it his bunker buster.

• Once you go GOP you always go back.

• And then he had the nerve to say, “Madeleine Albright never had any complaints.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 05:38 PM

Politics / Humor -Top Stories
President Bush has imposed new sanctions against Myanmar. These include:
• Cancellation of “Queer Eye for the Myanmar Guy”
• Import ban on all Myanmarian brutal military officer bobble-head dolls
• No more White House Myanmarian karaoke nights
• Removal of the Myanmar double cheese burger from all restaurant menus
• No Myanmar NFL expansion team

Hillary Clinton said illegal immigrants will not be covered by her proposed healthcare plan -- unless they can afford a $50,000 co-payment in her also-proposed "Norman Hsu Campaign Donation Health Plan."

Lynne Cheney said she’d be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton as president -- and yet she goes to bed each night knowing she may be shot in the face.

Critics question Nancy Pelosi's decision to push for an Armenian genocide resolution in Congress -- particularly since we’ve yet to acknowledge the brutal thumpings received by the Notre Dame football team.

Mess-achusetts Musings
A commission, charged with protecting Cape Cod's natural resources, has denied Cape Wind Associates permission to build the proposed Nantucket Sound wind farm. They did, however, approve mandatory propeller hats on windy days.

Governor Deval Patrick has endorsed Barack Obama for president. When asked if he was worried about Hillary Clinton’s reaction, Patrick said, “I’ll tell you after my assistant starts my car.”

Small Street Journal
The Fox Business Network began broadcasting. It’s the first business channel that doesn’t assume its viewers know how to spell B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S.

Media Bites
A frustrated cable customer from Virginia was fined and received a suspended jail sentence for entering a Comcast office and smashing equipment with a hammer. In her defense, she said she notified Comcast she’d be commencing her rampage "sometime" between 8 and 12 PM.

Inside Scoop
To receive evangelist Bob Jones III’s endorsement during the primary race, Mitt Romney had to promise he wouldn’t seek the Satan’s endorsement during the general race.

Weekly prediction
A Hasidic Jew from Crown Heights, New York will claim his great great great Uncle Shlomo Cheney was the founder of the neighborhood’s first and only undisclosed schul.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:21 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy has disappeared after calling in sick a week and a half ago. Here are five possible scenarios that may explain his whereabouts:
• He is taking former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s advice to get in touch with his inner cabaret singer.
• He is waiting in line for Bruce Springteen tickets.
• He is being forced to listen to the long version of how Donald Trump bagged Miss Wyoming.
• He needs more time to rehearse his scratchy voice before phoning again to claim he really is sick.
• He suffers from the most common ailment in New Jersey -- disappearing without a trace.

President Bush said he may be willing to compromise on Congress’s proposal to expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- if Congress is willing to specify that all heart and liver transplants will be performed on an out-patient basis.

The EPA has approved the one-year use of a new agricultural pesticide, methyl iodide, overriding the health concerns of more than 50 chemists and other scientists. The agency has assured the public that the pesticide will be thoroughly monitored by its staff of half men / half nectarines.

Sen. Larry Craig has been selected for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. (This is no joke.) The only condition is he cannot deliver his acceptance speech using hand signals.

Mess-achusetts Musings
Fifth Congressional District candidate, Republican Jim Ogonowski’s obsession with illegal immigrants has been almost Tancred-ian. This is most evident in his economic proposals:
• Illegal immigrants can rent no more than two Netflix DVDs at a time.
• Illegal immigrants who stay at discount motels must pay for the complimentary continental breakfast.
• Any illegal immigrant who orders one large Dominos pizza is not entitled to a free order of mozzarella sticks.
• Illegal immigrants who purchase a set of tires cannot receive a free alignment.
• Illegal immigrants must always pay the full price -- even if they order before midnight.

Small Street Journal
The Sam’s Club warehouse chain has removed from its shelves a brand of ground beef patties produced by Cargill, Inc. after four children who ate them developed E. coli illness. They are also slashing 15 percent off all 50-gallon drums of Pepto-Bismol.

Media Bites
Kid Rock was on “Larry King Live” for 40 minutes before Larry realized Kid wasn’t the janitor.

Inside Scoop
Since 9/ll, all members of the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes have been Blackwater security personnel.

Weekly prediction
Hillary Clinton will unveil an empathetic sigh in Iowa, followed by a sympathetic “I hear you, bro” in New Hampshire.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:15 PM