Political Shorts – 9
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy has disappeared after calling in sick a week and a half ago. Here are five possible scenarios that may explain his whereabouts:
• He is taking former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s advice to get in touch with his inner cabaret singer.
• He is waiting in line for Bruce Springteen tickets.
• He is being forced to listen to the long version of how Donald Trump bagged Miss Wyoming.
• He needs more time to rehearse his scratchy voice before phoning again to claim he really is sick.
• He suffers from the most common ailment in New Jersey -- disappearing without a trace.
President Bush said he may be willing to compromise on Congress’s proposal to expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- if Congress is willing to specify that all heart and liver transplants will be performed on an out-patient basis.
The EPA has approved the one-year use of a new agricultural pesticide, methyl iodide, overriding the health concerns of more than 50 chemists and other scientists. The agency has assured the public that the pesticide will be thoroughly monitored by its staff of half men / half nectarines.
Sen. Larry Craig has been selected for induction into the Idaho Hall of Fame. (This is no joke.) The only condition is he cannot deliver his acceptance speech using hand signals.
Mess-achusetts Musings
Fifth Congressional District candidate, Republican Jim Ogonowski’s obsession with illegal immigrants has been almost Tancred-ian. This is most evident in his economic proposals:
• Illegal immigrants can rent no more than two Netflix DVDs at a time.
• Illegal immigrants who stay at discount motels must pay for the complimentary continental breakfast.
• Any illegal immigrant who orders one large Dominos pizza is not entitled to a free order of mozzarella sticks.
• Illegal immigrants who purchase a set of tires cannot receive a free alignment.
• Illegal immigrants must always pay the full price -- even if they order before midnight.
Small Street Journal
The Sam’s Club warehouse chain has removed from its shelves a brand of ground beef patties produced by Cargill, Inc. after four children who ate them developed E. coli illness. They are also slashing 15 percent off all 50-gallon drums of Pepto-Bismol.
Media Bites
Kid Rock was on “Larry King Live” for 40 minutes before Larry realized Kid wasn’t the janitor.
Inside Scoop
Since 9/ll, all members of the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes have been Blackwater security personnel.
Weekly prediction
Hillary Clinton will unveil an empathetic sigh in Iowa, followed by a sympathetic “I hear you, bro” in New Hampshire.
