Politics / Humor -Top Story
The Middle East peace talks begin this week in Annapolis, Maryland. Here are President Bush’s five keys to a successful conference:
• Even though it’s the holiday season, do not lead the participants in a rousing rendition of The Dreidel Song.
• Do not try to settle any differences with a mountain bike race.
• No watching TV during negotiations.
• No new nicknames for world leaders without first clearing them with Condoleezza Rice.
• The Golan Heights are not a WNBA team.

Barack Obama said the experience of living in another country as a child gave him a better feel for international issues than other candidates. Joe Biden was quick to point out he’s a regular customer at International House of Pancakes.

Mike Huckabee has been endorsed by pro wrestler Ric Flair, thus clinching the support of voters who think Mike Huckabee was Tammy Wynette’s third husband.

John Edwards says we can lower the cost of heating oil by increasing regulation of oil companies and promoting energy efficiency -- or closing off the back wing of his mansion during the winter.

Bay State Bombast
Mitt Romney said the judge he appointed while Massachusetts governor should resign because she released without bail a convicted killer now charged with murdering a young couple. He also said the illegal immigrants who were mowing his lawn should be sentenced to trim his shrubs.

Small Street Journal
A cruise ship struck an iceberg off Antarctica Friday, forcing the more than 150 passengers and crew into the frigid waters in lifeboats before being rescued by another vessel. The company that put the travel package together is rethinking its next venture: “Let’s Go Gonzo in Gaza!”

Media Bites
Oprah Winfrey will be campaigning with Barack Obama in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. People who attend the rallies can expect inspirational speeches and a bag of Oprah’s favorite toiletries.

Inside Scoop
Centerton, Arkansas Mayor Ken Williams, who claimed he was abducted and brainwashed by Satan worshippers 30 years ago, is now being courted by the Huckabee campaign.

Weekly Prediction
After announcing his plans to resign his seat before the end of the year, Sen. Trent Lott will establish a lobbying firm and sell his influence on eBay.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:01 AM

Politics / Humor -Top Stories
In a speech to the Federalist Society, Rudy Giuliani said judicial nominees should be judged on their qualifications, honesty, and integrity, not their judicial philosophy. As an example, he mentioned his personal driver, Larry who just made dean’s list at the University of Bahamas Online Law School.

Undecided voters were allowed to ask questions at Thursday night's Democratic presidential debate. Here are some that CNN didn’t use:
• Which one of you is John Edwards?
• Senator Dodd, what is your exit strategy for getting U.S. troops out of Iran?
• Senator Clinton, under your health care plan, will I be covered for asbestos pantsuit chafe?
• Senator Biden, should illegal immigrants be allowed to be driving instructors?
• Senator Obama bin Laden, do you think the country is ready for its first terrorist president?

Mitt Romney promised to cut federal funding for cities and states that tolerate illegal immigration. He would also make it a federal offense to say any word in English while rolling your tongue.

Bay State Bombast
William C. Van Faasen, the chairman and chief executive of Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Massachusetts, was paid $16.4 million in retirement benefits in January 2006, even though he only stepped down as chief executive while retaining his position as chairman. However, Blue Cross said Van Faasen is no longer carried to and from work in a company sedan chair by four male nurses.

Small Street Journal
Scientists in Oregon claim to have cloned monkey embryos, a major step toward creating the perfect man for women who dig hairy guys.

Media Bites
Former book publishing wonder girl Judith Regan filed a $100 million defamation lawsuit against News Corp., claiming they tried to destroy her reputation. Oddly enough, “defaming and destroying people’s reputations” is also News Corp.’s motto.

Inside Scoop
After prevaricating his position on illegal immigrants and driver’s licenses at Thursday night’s debate, Barack Obama fired his chief political strategist, Norm Crosby.

Weekly Prediction
After promising to rebuild the Justice Department, President Bush will outsource all of its responsibilities to Blackwater’s newly-formed Crime Minimization Division

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 04:54 PM

Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Bernard B. Kerik revealed his defense strategy when he proclaimed: “My life has been marked by challenge…, “Whether it was growing up, being a cop, Rikers Island, the New York City Police Department, or the worst challenge, until this time, my challenges during and after 9/11. This is a battle I’m going to fight.”

Here is a sample of what the government can expect:

Prosecutor: Why didn’t you disclose the $250,000 loan from a wealthy Israeli industrialist whose companies did business with the federal government?
Kerik: 9/ll

Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report as income the $255,000 in renovations to your Bronx apartment?
Kerik: 9/11

Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report the $20,000 consulting fees in 2002?
Kerik: 9/11

Prosecutor: What is the capitol of Indiana?
Kerik: 9/11

Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president. Robertson said it’s the hardest thing he’s had to do since voting for Sanjaya on “American Idol.”

An audit of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library has turned up 80,000 missing items. Among them:
• Reagan’s first 50-gallon drum of “Just for Men” chestnut dye #278.
• All of the pinup girls from the president’s collection of Red Menace Magazine.
• A videotape of presidential image guru Michael Deaver yelling at Reagan in Berlin, “Turn around. The wall is over there!”
• A letter to director Frederick De Cordova saying it was rude and unprofessional for Bonzo to skip the wrap party.
• A 12-point outline drafted by his staff, explaining to his children why “I am not a distant and cold father.”

Bay State Bombast
A Boston judge sentenced four Red Sox fans, arrested for rowdiness during the World Series celebration, to write essays about what they learned from being arrested. Among the most important points:
• Never scream out your lover's name during a strip search.
• Rule of thumb for women: More mug shot cleavage, less jail time.
• Rule of thumb for men: More mug shot cleavage, more jail time.
• Never ask a toothless tattooed cellmate if you can add his name to your MySpace list.
• It's OK to yell “Fire” in a crowded place, but only if you have enough fire extinguishers for everybody.

Small Street Journal
Merck & Co. has agreed to pay $4.85 billion to settle claims that its painkiller Vioxx caused heart attacks and strokes in thousands of users. Company officials warned that upon learning of the settlement, stockholders may suffer from dizziness, diarrhea, cramps, and loss of pulse.

Media Bites
The Archdiocese of Boston has placed a priest on leave after he was arrested on charges of stalking talk-show host Conan O'Brien. After a sufficient amount of counseling, he will be transferred to another talk show.

Inside Scoop
In preparation for his latest meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Bush took a three-week correspondence course in Aromatherapy massage.

Weekly prediction
Mitt Romney will face the religion issue head-on by adopting a new nickname: Stormin' Mormon.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 02:02 PM

Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Hillary Clinton said the other candidates are not piling onto her because she’s a woman, but because she's winning. Bill Clinton said it doesn't matter. He just loves the image.

Fred Thompson said he was unaware of his campaign co-chairman’s drug dealing past. Although in retrospect, Philip Martin's nickname, “Mr. Medellín,” should have tipped him off.

Former Vice President Walter Mondale has endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for president. In addition to his support, Mondale told Clinton, “Feel free to use my ‘Where’s the beef?’ line. It never fails to kill.”

The New York Times reports the Bush administration is considering plans to close Guantanamo prison. Here are five possible uses for it:
• Guantanamo Bed, Breakfast, & Waterboarding Inn.
• Disney World - Guantanamo -- It’s a small cell after all.
• George W. Bush Presidential Library and Enhanced Interrogation Center.
• Club Med - Guantanamo -- You’ll come for the sun. You'll stay because we say so.
• Motel 6 - Guantanamo -- We’ll leave the light on -- until you talk.

Mess-achusetts Musings
Boston Mayor Tom Menino injured his knee lifting the World Series trophy, thus cementing the city’s reputation as America’s most out-of-shape sports town.

Small Street Journal
Singapore Airlines, the first operator of the new Airbus A380, is asking passengers to refrain from sex while in its first-class suites, which have double beds. However, to appease frisky customers, Barry White music will be piped into each restroom.

Media Bites
Shock jock Don Imus will return to the airwaves Dec. 3, on New York's WABC-AM. Imus says he will never again use offensive language -- until the writers strike is settled.

Inside Scoop
Mike Gravel’s wife has irrefutable proof that his first cousin is King Tut.

Weekly prediction
The Republican presidential campaign will have a new leader after the National Enquirer publishes a photo of a meatball resembling Ronald Reagan shaking hands with Tom Tancredo.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 05:35 AM