Political Shorts – 13
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Bernard B. Kerik revealed his defense strategy when he proclaimed: “My life has been marked by challenge…, “Whether it was growing up, being a cop, Rikers Island, the New York City Police Department, or the worst challenge, until this time, my challenges during and after 9/11. This is a battle I’m going to fight.”
Here is a sample of what the government can expect:
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you disclose the $250,000 loan from a wealthy Israeli industrialist whose companies did business with the federal government?
Kerik: 9/ll
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report as income the $255,000 in renovations to your Bronx apartment?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report the $20,000 consulting fees in 2002?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: What is the capitol of Indiana?
Kerik: 9/11
Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president. Robertson said it’s the hardest thing he’s had to do since voting for Sanjaya on “American Idol.”
An audit of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library has turned up 80,000 missing items. Among them:
• Reagan’s first 50-gallon drum of “Just for Men” chestnut dye #278.
• All of the pinup girls from the president’s collection of Red Menace Magazine.
• A videotape of presidential image guru Michael Deaver yelling at Reagan in Berlin, “Turn around. The wall is over there!”
• A letter to director Frederick De Cordova saying it was rude and unprofessional for Bonzo to skip the wrap party.
• A 12-point outline drafted by his staff, explaining to his children why “I am not a distant and cold father.”
Bay State Bombast
A Boston judge sentenced four Red Sox fans, arrested for rowdiness during the World Series celebration, to write essays about what they learned from being arrested. Among the most important points:
• Never scream out your lover's name during a strip search.
• Rule of thumb for women: More mug shot cleavage, less jail time.
• Rule of thumb for men: More mug shot cleavage, more jail time.
• Never ask a toothless tattooed cellmate if you can add his name to your MySpace list.
• It's OK to yell “Fire” in a crowded place, but only if you have enough fire extinguishers for everybody.
Small Street Journal
Merck & Co. has agreed to pay $4.85 billion to settle claims that its painkiller Vioxx caused heart attacks and strokes in thousands of users. Company officials warned that upon learning of the settlement, stockholders may suffer from dizziness, diarrhea, cramps, and loss of pulse.
Media Bites
The Archdiocese of Boston has placed a priest on leave after he was arrested on charges of stalking talk-show host Conan O'Brien. After a sufficient amount of counseling, he will be transferred to another talk show.
Inside Scoop
In preparation for his latest meeting with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, President Bush took a three-week correspondence course in Aromatherapy massage.
Weekly prediction
Mitt Romney will face the religion issue head-on by adopting a new nickname: Stormin' Mormon.
