Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Spike thought he’d take a break from the usual advice column stuff (as if the last 3 months’ vacation wasn’t long enough?) to weigh in on the most significant events of the past 12 months. Sure, there was probably some crap going on in the Middle East, and since the TV has been inundated with ads featuring that cross-eyed moon-face Hillary Clinton and Mitt “I Make Stone Phillips Seem Animated” Romney, there’s probably an election coming up, but Spike figures that stuff should be left to people who are actually informed about current events...or at least Katie Couric. So instead Spike will focus on what he considers to be the cultural happenings that defined the year.
1. Justin Timberlake Brought Sexy Back
And to think, Spike didn’t even know the sexy was missing!
Apparently the first step to bringing sexy back is to dump your aging ingenue girlfriend so you can stop pretending she’s still hot. Unfortunately for us, Justin’s “sexy” looks and sounds pretty much the same as it has for the last 7 years, except that he seems to have unearthed Cher’s “Believe”-era vocoder. Spike will give JT props, however, for his songwriting contribution to Reba McEntire’s “Duets” album. Some may call it bland, but Spike calls it hypnotic.
2. Britney Spears Performs Alchemy
With the deathless lyrics, “'Cause I'm (oooh) cold as fire baby, hot as ice/If you've ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice/I'm cold as fire baby, hot as ice,” the Brit singlehandedly reversed the long-accepted definitions of hot and cold. If only she’d been so lucky attempting to do the same with “fit” and “fat” with her VMA performance.
3. Celebrity Train Wrecks Made a Comeback
Let’s face it, the last time a celebrity made a committed effort to destroy his career and life was when Robert Downey, Jr. couldn’t kick the smack habit and ended up in jail for a year. Since then it’s been a lot of bad-boy posturing, with the DiCaprios, Gyllenhalls and Ledgers trying to establish street cred by growing patchy facial hair and smoking unfiltered Camels during interviews.
But honest-to-God, go-for-broke addiction made a big comeback this year thanks to the fabulous quartet of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty. No mere poseurs, these four demonstrated a chronic, helpless commitment to screwing up their lives with drugs and alcohol. It was almost like the good old days of Marilyn and Judy...if only one of them would have the good grace to overdose.
4. Estrogen Country Entered a New Golden Age
Sure this was supposed to have happened a few years ago when Shania Twain and Faith Hill conquered the pop charts, but that was just country tarts selling out. Thanks to great albums by newcomers like Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, and Gretchen Wilson, and unexpectedly strong work from stalwart divas like Trisha Yearwood and Reba, female country singers had a golden year not seen since the hey days of Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, and Dolly Parton. Now if only Barbara Mandrell would make a comeback....KIDDING!!!
And by the way, was Spike the only one who thought that the video for Reba’s duet with Kelly Clarkson on “Because of You” was an old Judds’ home movie?
5. Nancy Grace Spawned
Not just one baby, but TWINS! A sign of the apocalypse?
Spike’s TV Picks
1. Torchwood (BBC) — If BBC can keep churning out addictive popcorn like this Spike will never have to sit through home-grown trash like “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Lost” again. And has any show ever had characters with more fluid (and unremarked upon) sexuality?
2. Dexter (Showtime) — Spike wasn’t sure how this show could continue to work its seemingly limited premise for another year, but this season delivered big time.
3. Weeds (Showtime) — This show still hasn’t lost its off-kilter spark. The drama got ratcheted up this year, but it was as effortlessly entertaining as ever.
4. Californication (Showtime) — This is probably an acquired taste given that at times the sex and vulgarity are decidedly gratuitous, but David Duchovny is able to display his flair for dry humor in a way that he hasn’t since his guest shots on “The Larry Sanders Show.”
5. Family Guy (Fox) — Spike was a late-comer to this animated show because he was always put off by the fact that main character Peter Griffith’s chin looks like a pair of testicles, but it’s one of the funniest and most subversive shows on TV.
6. CSI (CBS) — Spike is talking about the original, of course, not the Miami spin-off where David Caruso’s “acting” consists of putting on or taking off his sunglasses.
7. Nip/Tuck (F/X) — Last season and the current season have been a bit uneven, and the show has always stretched credulity a bit, but Spike still loves it.
8. Hitmen of Music Row (GAC) — A look behind the scenes at four songwriters collectively responsible for 38 #1 country hits. The music is great and the over-sized personalities of the four men make for a relaxed good time.
9. How Clean Is Your House? (BBC) — Not just another home improvement reality show thanks to hosts Aggie MacKenzie and Kim Woodburn and expression like “We found fecal matter on the cooker.”
Spike’s Album Picks
1. Carnival Ride, Carrie Underwood — The American Idol winner proves her first album was no fluke, and this time she turns up the country. And she can even write a bit.
2. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Miranda Lambert — Lambert, the latest wild child of Nashville, follows up her first album, “Kerosene,” with a set of great, hooky, authentic country songs...and proves that while she’d probably be a lot of fun to date, she’d be hell to break up with.
3. Back to Black, Amy Winehouse — Great neo-R&B from start to finish thanks to Winehouse’s distinctive voice and Mark Ronson’s retro production.
4. The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefani — Why exactly is Stefani making another album with No Doubt when she can craft perfect pop confections like this? And what’s with her bizarre fixation on teenage Japanese girls?
Spike’s Singles Picks
1. The Sweet Escape, Gwen Stefani — Great bubbly pop with a monster hook courtesy of Akon’s “woo hoo” chorus.
2. Rehab, Amy Winehouse — The feel-good song of the year...if other people’s substance abuse problems make you feel good.
3. Before He Cheats, Carrie Underwood — Carrie brings the nasty and it’s surprisingly believable.
4. Gimme Gimme Gimme, Britney Spears — “It’s Britney...BITCH!” Need more be said?
5. Big Girls Don’t Cry, Fergie — Spike doesn’t even like Fergie, and the lyrics are silly (“I miss you like a child misses its blanket”?????), but this is one undeniably catchy ditty thanks to the minor chord hook.
6. Don’t Blink, Kenny Chesney — Chesney is the Green Giant of country: no one sells corn any better. Somehow he makes this potentially sappy life lesson work. Pass the butter!
7. Proud of the House We Built, Brooks & Dunn — If Kenny Chesney is the Green Giant, then Ronnie Dunn is the Bird’s Eye. Another great power ballad about love and family.
8. Famous in a Small Town, Miranda Lambert — Twangy and tangy.
9. What Goes Around, Justin Timberlake — Despite his quest for musical world domination as a writer/producer for other artists, JT is still smart enough to save some of his best material for himself.
Spike’s Movie Picks
1. Grindhouse — “Death Proof,” the Quentin Tarantino half of this double feature, had a murderous Kurt Russell, ass-kicking stunt women, and the best car chase since Steven Spielberg’s “Duel.” Robert Rodriquez’ “Planet Terror” had zombies, and Rose McGowen’s machine-gun/grenade-launcher artificial leg. Tough to pick the better one so Spike suggests you get them both...or wait until the two halves are packaged together on DVD.
2. Children of Men — A great movie about a dystopian future in which the human race has been rendered sterile thanks to fertility experiments, starring Nancy Grace...oh wait, Spike meant Clive Owen.
3. The 300 — A little thin on plot, perhaps, but this visually stunning movie is still extremely entertaining.
4. 28 Weeks Later — This sequel to 2003’s “28 Days Later” doesn’t have quite the impact that the original had with its revelatory introduction of fast zombies, but it’s still suspenseful and thought-provoking. And the first 5 minutes are truly edge-of-your-seat intense.
5. Lucky Number Slevin — This may have been a 2006 movie, but Spike didn’t see it until the 2007 DVD release. Kind of a cross between “The Usual Suspects” and “Reservoir Dogs.” Intricately plotted with great acting.
Spike’s Book Picks
1. The Quarter Boys, David Lennon — Oh, that’s right, this book still hasn’t been published because literary agents are spineless and lack vision.
2. Echoes, David Lennon — Oh, that’s right, this book still hasn’t been published either because literary agents are spineless and lack vision.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
