Political Shorts – 18
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney needs to stem the Huckabee tide and quick. Here are some suggestions:
• 150-slide PowerPoint presentation: “Connecting with the Little People.”
• Deliver a “Torture in America” speech. Few Americans know where Mormons stand on waterboarding.
• Match Huckabee freebie for freebie. Never turn down another complimentary continental breakfast.
• It’s not enough to demand Huckabee apologize to Bush for saying the president had a “bunker mentality.” Romney should also send his landscaping company over to mow the bunker’s lawn.
• Acquire, at any cost, the endorsement of Larry the Cable Guy.
To soften her image, Hillary Clinton has been campaigning with her mother and daughter. To toughen her image, she plans to campaign with a Joseph Stalin impersonator.
Rudy Giuliani has been reworking his stump speech. Key changes: avoid words that rhyme with “affair,” “motel,” and “quickie.”
Ron Paul set a one-day fund-raising record of $5.2 million for a Republican presidential candidate. Although, most contributions were from closeted conservatives who thought they were paying for dinner and dancing with Ru Paul.
Bay State Bombast
State and local leaders have pledged to examine why the 10-inch snowfall on December 13, paralyzed traffic in the Greater Boston area. Among the possible causes:
• Heavy snow limited drivers’ use of middle finger.
• Mayor Menino refused to let any city employee go home until they stuck a needle in his Bernie Margolis snowman.
• Blizzard conditions prevented Governor Patrick’s positive vibes to reach commuters for a safe and speedy ride home.
• The Ron Paul blimp was stuck trying to squeeze through a Mass Pike toll booth.
• Too many Doppler-tinis consumed at the annual Boston TV Meteorologist holiday party.
Small Street Journal
After lukewarm holiday season sales, the nation’s retailers are hoping for a strong week during the final days before Christmas. Last minute sales include Wal-Mart’s latest promotion: “Prices so low, even the laborers in our supplier’s factories can afford them.”
Media Bites
Television news anchor Alycia Lane, who gained notoriety by sending photos of herself in a bikini to a married man at the NFL Network, was arrested for punching a police officer. A philosophical Lane commented, “Isn’t this how Jane Pauley got started?”
Inside Scoop
Mike Huckabee selected former Reagan adviser Ed Rollins to be his new campaign manager after finding out his first choice, Porter Wagoner, had passed away in October.
Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will face new allegations by an unnamed Clinton source that he, as an elementary school student, free-based cocaine with music teacher Yusuf Islam (formally Cat Stevens).
