Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I hate being gay. I just don’t get why everyone thinks it’s so fabulous. I just moved to Boston from Nebraska and the whole gay scene here makes me sick. It’s like all anyone cares about is having the right clothes and being seen in the right places with the right people. Their lives are so shallow and empty. It’s all parties, clubs, shopping, brunches, meaningless one night stands, promiscuous sex, drinking, drugging and dancing all night. It’s like their whole lives revolve around being gay.

Back home it wasn’t like that. Gay people didn’t make a big deal out of their sexuality. You just went about your life discreetly. All the gay guys knew where to meet other gay guys, but our lives weren’t centered on being gay. We had values and were more concerned with things like our families and our work and our communities. And no one else bothered you about your private life.

What should I do? I can’t go back home because I’m working in investment banking and there just aren’t jobs like this back there.

Travis, The South End

Dear Travis — Meaningless one night stands? Promiscuous sex? Drinking, drugging and dancing all night long? Either your letter took 30 years to reach Spike or Spike wants to move to your neighborhood. Seriously, Travis, are you living in the same Boston that Spike is?

As Spike sees it, there are two issues here (well, actually three if we count the fact that you’re a sanctimonious ass):

The first is that you seem to be mixing up being gay with simple urban lifestyle. Going to clubs, shopping, having brunch, visiting museums, etc...are all things that people who live in cities do, whether they’re gay or straight. That’s why people choose to live in cities, Corn-Boy: so they can have easy access to those kinds of activities.

If, on the other hand, your idea of a good time is going to church on Sunday morning, having a pick-up football game in the front yard with your whole extended family before your mom serves up a big batch of fried chicken and homemade bisquits, and then sneaking off behind the Piggly Wiggly to play a little slap and tickle with your old football coach, then perhaps living in the city isn’t the right choice for you.

Within a few miles of downtown Boston there are plenty of cities, towns and neighborhoods that have vastly different cultures from the South End. Maybe you should consider moving to one of them. Spike has a feeling you won’t be missed by your current neighbors.

The other thing is that you’re describing a very narrow subculture of the city. Are there trendy gay boys who like to party all night and have lots of hook-ups? Sure. But there are also a lot of gay guys who work hard, have strong values, and would prefer to kick back with a beer and watch football in their free time. If you go to nightclubs you’re going to meet people who like clubbing, in the same way that if you join a bowling team you’re going to find people who like to bowl (or at least fat guys who like to wear tacky polyester shirts). Boston is a diverse city. If you can’t find anyone except trendy club kids then you’re either hanging out in the wrong places or you’re supremely stupid.

As for your assertion that you hate being gay, to tell you the truth, Spike hates being gay, too...because it’s so boring now. At least in urban (aka educated) areas we’ve lost our outsider status, we’ve lost a lot of our power to provoke mindless hatred and ridicule, we’ve lost most of our clubs and neighborhoods, and we’re utterly ubiquitous. Whatever fabulous cache we may once have had has been drained as we’ve become more a part of the mainstream. It’s just no fun being queer anymore. I mean, what’s the point of being different if you can’t be different?

So Spike suggests that you stop hating on the other gay boys who don’t share your values and go find some who do. Surely there must be others like you: self-hating, narrow-minded, judgmental. Oh wait, have you tried the Log Cabin Republicans?

Dear Spike — What’s with your lack of productivity? I used to be able to count on you for a good laugh at work at last a few days a week. Now it’s like once every few months. What’s the deal?

Bored in the Office, Boston

Dear Bored — Jesus Christ, Bored, didn’t Spike just answer a letter? What more do you want from him? Take, take, take...

SOOOOO sorry but Spike didn’t realize it was his responsibility to distract you from the job for which you get paid. Here’s a suggestion: instead of spending your time at work looking for entertainment on the internet, why don’t you try working? That should take care of that annoying boredom thing and also make you feel good for actually earning your paycheck.

As for Spike’s lowered productivity, this whole advice column business is a 2-way street. When people send Spike letters, he answers them. When they don’t, he watches porn and drinks all day. Don’t expect Spike to make an effort just to provide entertainment for some lazy slacker who’s dragging down the productivity of our once-great nation.

So ciao for now,
Spike

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 03:07 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s easy victory in the South Carolina Democratic primary and his overwhelming support from blacks indicate the Clintons have not reached out enough to African Americans. Here are some suggestions for Bill and Hillary:
• Secure a new quote from Toni Morrison: “Hillary Clinton will be the nation’s first Black Panther president.”
• Post a Hillary and Charles Rangel “I Got You Babe” duet on YouTube.
• Suggest the Clinton’s are equally involved in the White- and Blackwater scandals.
• Claim that Hillary’s mother marched with Martin Luther King and George Romney.
• Spread a rumor: Barack Obama’s real father was a Rhodesian plantation owner named Emil.

John McCain has accused Mitt Romney of being a manager and not a leader. Romney responded with a scathing PowerPoint presentation.

Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama. Asked why, she responded: “After marrying a Jew, endorsing a black for president was the only way I could get my grandfather to roll back over in his grave.”

Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Liz has signed on as one of Mitt Romney's senior foreign policy advisers. Her best advice: "Whatever my dad did, do the opposite."

Bay State Bombast
Governor Deval Patrick filed a $28.2 billion budget -- most of which will be funded by scratch tickets.

Small Street Journal
Wal-Mart says more than half its workers are signed up for the company’s health plan. They also announced that the deductible has been lowered for sniffing aspirin residue off pharmacy shelves.

Media Bites
The FCC has proposed a $1.4 million fine against 52 ABC Television Network stations for airing a scene that depicted “multiple, close-up views” of a woman's “nude buttocks.” It’s also investigating the airing of a map of Europe which turned out to be Dennis Franz’s left buttock.

Inside Scoop
According to the latest polls, the one thing Rudy Giuliani has most in common with Florida voters is prostate problems.

Weekly Prediction
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke will pledge to shave his beard every day until inflation is under control.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:24 PM

Humor - Working together can sometimes strain a relationship. Bill and Hillary Clinton are no different from other couples.

Possible captions
• He’s 6 ft 2½ in tall, has white hair, and will probably tell you I don’t understand him.

• Don’t take this as a threat, but I’ve made interns disappear.

• Excuse me, my husband is missing. Can I use you as bait?

• Nice outfit. Does it come in a pantsuit?

• And then he’ll ask you where he can stuff your tax rebate.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:30 PM

Politics / Humor - Politics
Actor Chuck Norris, a Mike Huckabee supporter, said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to be president. Being too old didn’t stop Norris from starring in his last 10 movies.

Democrats outside the United States can now vote online. No one has been helped more Dennis Kucinich who’s already received 4,000 votes from Mars.

Hillary Clinton was so angry at Barack Obama during last night’s debate she almost told him to go sleep on the couch.

Democrats now have a white man, a black man, and a woman running for president. This is like trying to pick your favorite character on “Mod Squad.”

To save money, Mike Huckabee is no longer scheduling planes and buses for journalists covering his presidential campaign. However, he will stay in constant contact with them using his new Mullet Cam.

In Florida, Mitt Romney has started running ads in Spanish. He’s also working on another one that shows him helping Menudo climb over a border fence.

Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. The Republican Party announced his candidacy will be taken over by Brian Dennehey.

The Clinton/Obama slugfest on CNN was the most-watched debate ever in cable news. It just beat out the time Hannity & Colmes argued over who had the best parking space.

The Clinton/Obama slugfest on CNN was the most-watched debate ever in cable news. Although, that’s about as significant as being the most-read book in President Bush’s personal library.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continued to fight after Tuesday’s heated debate. American political discourse has evolved from Lincoln-Douglas to Ralph and Alice Kramden.

Because of campaign financial difficulties, some of Mike Huckabee’s top advisers are working without pay, and some aides are quitting. This has prompted Hukabee to ask: “Who would Jesus lay off?”

Because of campaign financial difficulties, some of Mike Huckabee’s top advisers are working without pay and some aides are quitting. In addition, Chuck Norris has been replaced with a small granite pillar.

A Rudy Giuliani win in Florida now appears to be in jeopardy. Apparently, he’s not polling well with men 85-89 who wear plaid pants.

The Republican presidential candidates differ on global warming. Some see little harm if ocean levels rise a foot or two, while other think surfing in Indiana would be great for the economy.

Mike Huckabee’s campaign is running low on money. He told his staff, “There’s nothing to worry about if we just tighten our Bible belt.”

The Senate will approve President Bush's demand that telephone companies that participated in his warrantless domestic spying program receive retroactive immunity from lawsuits – but only on weekends after 7 PM.

Dennis Kucinich, the man who put the quix in quixotic, dropped out of the presidential race – although many Democrats have asked his wife to stay on until after Spring Break.

Paul Wolfowitz has been named chairman of a panel that advises the State Department on arms-control issues. On a totally unrelated note, his girlfriend accepted a position as his $500,000-a-year intern.

14,000 text messages have been released that show Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who denied under oath last year he was having an affair with a top aid, was carrying on a sexually explicit dialogue with her. Kilpatrick would only say that “smokin’ booty” is a common euphemism for “copy machine.”

At last night’s Republican presidential debate, Mitt Romney said Hillary Clinton “is so out of step with the American people” – then talked about the time his father danced with Bojangles.

Two men were arrested for breaking into Mitt Romney’s Boston headquarters. They didn’t put up a fight, although one man injured his back trying to lift a box containing Romney’s positions on abortion.

Sylvester Stallone, announced he’s supporting John McCain for president. McCain wasn’t Rambo’s first choice but it’s hard to say “Giuliani” without drooling.

New rocket has problem with vibration
NASA engineers are concerned that a new rocket, the Ares I, scheduled to replace the space shuttle, could vibrate violently during the first minutes of flight. Upon hearing about this, 50 million women volunteered to be astronauts.

Herschel Walker reveals he has multiple personalities
Former football great Herschel Walker revealed that he has multiple personalities. This was strenuously denied one hour later by former football great Herschel Walker

Next stop for Lindsay Lohan: The Morgue
After fulfilling several requirements set by her DUI plea agreement, Lindsay Lohan will next have to spend some time in a morgue – where she may encounter her film career.

Computer can help your dog communicate
Hungarian scientists are working on computer software that analyzes dog barks and allows people to better recognize their dogs' basic emotions. And you thought it was hard teaching a person Microsoft Windows.

Hungarian scientists are working on computer software that analyzes dog barks and allows people to better recognize their dogs' basic emotions. The hardest part is getting the dog to type its ID and password.

Three states laud MLK, Gen. Lee on same day
On the day the nation honors the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., three states -- Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi -- also honor Robert E. Lee. To celebrate, Mike Huckabee played “Ebony, Ivory, and Gray” on his guitar.

The head of EBay to retire
The head of EBay is retiring. Applicants to replace her are encouraged to immediately start bidding.

Gay Jesus play angers Australian church leaders
A play in Australia that depicts Jesus being seduced by Judas and conducting a gay marriage for two apostles has been condemned by church leaders. A spokesman for the play said, “He who is without sin cast the first tomato.”

Sympathizers seek answers from al-Qaida
Al-Qaida sympathizers submitted hundreds of questions to al-Qaida deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri's “on-line interview” It’s just part of al-Qaida’s new “Terrorizing to serve you better” program.

Britney Spears spends more than two hours at deposition
Britney Spears spent more than two hours at Kevin Federline's lawyer’s office for a deposition. The toughest question they asked her: “Would you please put on some underwear?”

Mexico City starts grope-free buses for women
Mexico City has started a women-only bus service to protect female passengers from groping. They’re also starting a married men-only bus service to protect passengers from griping.

Ringo walks off `Regis' over song flap
Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" rather than cut short one of his songs. Complained Star, “It’s the only one I know all the words to.”

More snakes on a plane
Vietnam has seized more than a ton of rat snakes found aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Bangkok. The snakes were flying as part of the Thailand Bar Association.

Web plagiarism a serious problem
Web plagiarism is a serious problem according to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL). Added a 16-year-old student: “Web plagiarism is a serious problem according to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL).”

Sex Toy Thief
Police in Missouri are looking for a burglar who is breaking into adult stores and stealing sex toys. They say he should be considered armed and vibrating.

Starbucks tests $1 coffee, free refills
Starbucks is test marketing $1 coffee with free refills. The customers who said they preferred more expensive coffee with no refills also said they preferred paying for their napkins.

Trader blamed for lost billions
A junior trader at French banking giant Societe Generale cost the company $7.2 billion by making unauthorized bets on European stock prices. He said in retrospect, he may have depended too heavily on his lucky coffee cup.

Ford to offer buyouts to 54,000 workers
Ford is offering buyouts to 54,000 of its workers. Its new slogan is “Employment Security is not Job 1 through 54,000.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:54 PM

Humor - “’Troubled singer’ is my first name” Amy Winehouse appeared at a British courthouse to provide support for husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who pleaded innocent to charges of causing grievous bodily harm with intent to pub landlord James King.

Winehouse’s appearance was also a way of emphasizing to her husband: “This is what you’re going to look like when your cellmate decides to make you his bitch.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 09:46 AM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Bush administration is about to announce the overhaul of FEMA. Among the changes:
• To eliminate confusion, disaster victims will be told to flee their homes in alphabetical order.
• If relief does not arrive for flood victims within a reasonable amount of time, Anderson Cooper can be used as a floatation device.
• People living in FEMA trailers must also be provided with biohazard pajamas.
• President Bush must be notified within six months upon the commencement of a major emergency response.
• FEMA’s toll-free emergency phone line has added the following item to its menu of options: “Press 9 to find out if anybody is in charge.”

John McCain has won the South Carolina Primary, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Hillary Clinton has won the Nevada Democratic caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Mitt Romney has won the Nevada Republican caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.

Mitt Romney and Hillary Clinton won the Nevada Republican and Democratic caucuses -- to which voters responded: “Double or nothing.”

While campaigning in South Carolina, Mike Huckabee said the government should stay out of disputes over the Confederate flag. He also said Confederate Civil War Reenactors should be allowed to use live ammunition.

Bay State Bombast
Gov. Deval Patrick has been spending time in South Carolina campaigning for Barack Obama. He is emphasizing Obama’s ability to bring together people who are inspired by charismatic speakers and people who are moved by inspirational orators.

Small Street Journal
GE Money, which manages in-store credit-card programs for the majority of U.S. retailers, is missing a backup tape containing credit-card information from hundreds of U.S. retailers. In a related move, GE has changed its slogan to: “We bring good thieves to life.”

Media Bites
CNN's chief national correspondent, John King, an Irish Catholic, is converting to Judaism before marrying fellow correspondent Dana Bash. King commented, “Besides getting a great gal, I also get to control the world media.”

Inside Scoop
Winning the Florida Primary is so important for Rudy Giuliani, he’s hired a team of linguists whose only job is to teach him how to say “Howdy y’all” in Yiddish.

Weekly Prediction
Bill Clinton will further enrage the Obama camp when he announces he’ll be subbing for one of Gladys Knight’s Pips.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:14 PM

Politics / Humor - Politics
Rudy Giuliani asked an evangelical congregation in Miami not for their votes, but for their prayers – and the name of a discreet out-of-the-way hotel.

Mitt Romney told an audience in Michigan, “If I'm president of the United States, I will not rest until Michigan is back.” He then told some jokes at the expense of his home state Massachusetts.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have agreed that arguing over civil rights could harm their party's chances to win the White House. So tomorrow, they’ll issue a joint press release attacking the part in John Edwards’ hair.

Mitt Romney called his win in the Michigan primary “a victory of optimism over Washington-style pessimism.” His financial backers called it a stay of execution.

Asked about husband Bill's infidelity on the “Tyra Banks Show,” Hillary Clinton said, “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever.” And he never doubted her willingness to take a meat cleaver to his privates.

Barack Obama has pledged his support for animal rights. That’s refreshing. In the Bush administration, even the guys who hunt with Dick Cheney don’t have rights.

Mark Deli Siljander, a former Republican congressman from Michigan, was indicted as part of a terrorist fundraising ring that allegedly sent more than $130,000 to an al-Qaida and Taliban supporter. At this point, Republicans would be relieved if the money had been sent to Jack Abramoff.

Jenna Bush and her fiancé Henry Hager will marry in a ceremony on May 10. For security reasons, the caterer is already arranging to ship cocktail wieners to Guantanamo.

Mike Huckabee said in college, he would use a popcorn maker to fry squirrels. He also said his first order when he gets to the White House will be to remove the indoor plumbing.

After asserting that no lobbyists were running his campaign, Mitt Romney got into an argument with a reporter about whether lobbyist Ron Kaufman counted as a campaign aide -- after which Romney was escorted out of the building in Kaufman’s back pocket.

The White House is missing archived e-mail messages for hundreds of days between 2003 and 2005 – including critical business correspondences between President Bush and a Nigerian prince.

A $35 million campaign is being conduced by a group backed by the coal industry to rally public support for coal-fired electricity. Its slogan is: Once you go black lung, you never go back.

Nicolas Cage's naked intruder sentenced to rehab
A naked intruder who broke into actor Nicolas Cage's home has been ordered to undergo six months of drug rehabilitation and work on his love handles.

O.J. Simpson in custody in Florida
O.J. Simpson was taken into custody in Florida because of allegations he violated terms of his bail – the terms being he must inform authorities before he kills someone.

Nicole Richie has a baby
Nicole Richie gave birth to a 6 lbs 7 oz. baby girl – which is also Ritchie’s pre-pregnancy weight.

Scientists create beating hearts in lab
Researchers say they have been able to make hearts from dead rats beat again, and the discovery may one day lead to customized organ transplants for people – or hope for people whose beloved rat is ill.

NYC hits tourism record
A record-setting number of tourists visited New York City the city last year – most hoping to rendezvous with Rudy Giuliani.

Dallas Opera to premiere “Moby Dick”
The Dallas Opera will premiere the opera "Moby Dick." The company’s director said the biggest challenge will be finding an opera singer small enough to fit into a whale costume.

Columbus carried syphilis from New World to Europe, study suggests
A new analysis supports the theory that Columbus carried syphilis from the New World to Europe. So perhaps Queen Isabella wasn’t thrilled with all of the gifts he bought back for her.

Gary Collins checks into Glendale jail
69-year-old TV personality and actor Gary Collins checked into jail Monday to serve a four-day sentence in his drunken driving case. He said, “If I’m a washed-up has-been, how come I’m committing crimes like actors half my age?”

Planes backed into each other in San Francisco
Two jets backed into each other at San Francisco International Airport. The pilots exchanged insurance information and went on their way.

Disney launches Indian story books
Disney plans to publish Indian-language story books. The first one: “The Little Engine that Could Out-Source.”

FDA says clones are safe for food
A Food and Drug Administration report concludes that foods from healthy cloned animals and their offspring are safe to eat – even barbequed hippopota-horse ribs.

Citigroup loses nearly $10 billion
Citigroup reported a nearly $10-billion fourth-quarter loss. And worst news for customers? You now need a $1 billion minimum balance for free checking.

Oprah teams with Discovery on new cable channel
Oprah Winfrey and Discovery Communications Inc. are forming a new cable channel to be called OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. The first show, hosted by Steadman Graham, will be called “This Old Boyfriend.”

ACLU: Sex in restroom stalls is private
The ACLU has filed a brief supporting Sen. Larry Craig, arguing that people who have sex in public bathrooms have an expectation of privacy. As precedent, they point to George Michael v. Strapping Young Undercover Cop with Bedroom Eyes.

Watch what you hang from trailer hitches
Virginia State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles. Apparently, he has no problem with displaying real genitalia.

Guilty plea expected in body parts case
In New York, former oral surgeon Michael Mastromarino pleaded guilty to making millions by carving up hundreds of corpses at a Brooklyn funeral home and selling the parts for dental implants, hip replacements, and other procedures. Authorities have temporarily closed down the Sweeney Todd Funeral Home.

Ike Turner's death ruled cocaine overdose
The San Diego County medical examiner said Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose. So apparently he did die of natural causes.

Man claims hospital forced rectal exam
In his lawsuit, a New York construction worker claimed he went to a hospital after being hit on the forehead by a falling wooden beam and was forcibly given a rectal examination. The man who gave him the examination would only say, “Perhaps I should have first offered to buy him a drink.”

Don't send in the clowns
A poll of youngsters by University of Sheffield, England researchers has shown that most children don’t like clowns – which explains why so few of them grow up and name their offspring “Bozo.”

Scientists find 2,000 pound rodent
Scientists in Uruguay have found the fossil remains of a 2,000-pound rodent that lived 2 million to 4 million years ago. They attracted it with a 300-pound piece of petrified cheese.

Bin Laden son wants to be peace activist
Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar Osama says he wants to become a peace activist. How hard can that be? Compared to his father, Rambo is a peace activist.

Tyson Foods to investigate claims of chicken abuse
Tyson Foods says it will investigate allegations by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that chickens were abused at two of its chicken processing plants. So far, 50 hens claimed to have felt threatened by intimidating clucking.

Simpson released from jail on doubled bail
O.J. Simpson has been released from jail on doubled bail – which is the usual policy for double murderers.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:04 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, is asking for a recount. Kucinich is suggesting possible voter fraud, but there may be other reasons for his low number of votes:
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
• Members of “Short People for Kucinich” couldn’t reach his button on the voting machines.
• Experts underestimated the ability of “Vegans for Hillary” to get out the vote.
• People can’t get the image of Eleanor Roosevelt with a pierced tongue stud out of their heads.
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.

Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal was arrested the day before the New Hampshire primary in Nashua, N.H. on a charge of drunken driving -- just minutes after he announced Clinton was beating Obama among 18-39-year-old moose.

While campaigning in Michigan, Mitt Romney paid a visit to Gloria Blazo, his 78-year-old first-grade teacher. Romney said in many ways he’s still the same kid he was then -- although he now favors water-boarding as punishment for talking in class.

Bill Clinton accused Barack Obama of telling a “fairy tale” about his opposition to the Iraq war. Obama responded: “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have prefaced my position with ‘Once upon a time.’”

Bay State Bombast
A 14-month audit by the Boston Police Department’s Hyde Park drug warehouse revealed 700 cases of missing drug evidence -- not to mention the contents of Roger Clemens’ old Fenway Park locker.

Small Street Journal
Bank of America has bought mortgage lender Countrywide Home Loans. To encourage fewer loan defaults, BOA is also changing the company’s jingle to “Countrywide will tan your hide.”

Media Bites
CNN talk show host Glenn Beck has been crusading against the health care system after he had a less-than-perfect hemorrhoid operation. Unfortunately, the only thing his ranting is guaranteed to shrink is his ratings.

Inside Scoop
When Fred Thompson delivers a written speech, every other line begins with a note to himself reading: “WAKE UP!!!”

Weekly Prediction
Hillary Clinton will have more explaining to do after claiming she could make a better salad than Caesar Chavez.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:55 PM

Politics / Humor - Politics
The Clinton campaign is energized after winning the N.H. Primary. In fact they’ve now scheduled their candidate to spontaneously almost cry every other Tuesday.

In his post N.H. Primary speech, an optimistic Mitt Romney said, “I've gotten two silvers and one gold.” At some point, voters may not be impressed with his 38 bronze.

Obama has to keep his N.H. Primary second-place finish in perspective. Four years ago, most people thought Barack was IKEA’s line of Moroccan chairs.

John Edwards assured his supporters he’s staying in the campaign. This may not be enough for people who still aren’t aware he’s in it.

It wasn’t a great night for the polls which also predicted 75% less filling, 25% taste great.

Today is the New Hampshire primary and tomorrow those locals who, every four years, hang out in diners while delighting the media with their homespun political wisdom, go back to being their town’s respective village idiots.

For the first time in memory, Hillary Clinton showed emotion in public and may have actually cried – thanks to her newest advisor, the Wizard of Oz.

Mike Huckabee is once again relying on evangelicals to win in South Carolina, where his campaign slogan is: “Darwin? We don’t need no stinkin’Darwin.”

Telephone companies have been cutting off FBI wiretaps because the bureau hasn’t been paying its phone bills on time. And if they don’t pay their other bills, Kinkos may repossess their Most Wanted Posters.

Telephone companies have been cutting off FBI wiretaps because the bureau hasn’t been paying its phone bills on time. So your phone may be tapped if you hear a voice say, “Please insert another 75 cents.”

John Kerry has endorsed Barack Obama, giving Obama the support of those valuable 2004 Anybody-but-Bush supporters.

Mitt Romney is pulling his advertising from South Carolina and Florida. This will allow him to introduce his new Michigan ad campaign: “I can’t believe he’s not Ronald Reagan.”

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is expected to drop out of the race today. He was hoping the country would be asking for new leadership, but more often they asked, “Who’s the pudgy up there with the candidates?”

A 114-year-old woman has registered to vote in Chicago. That still doesn’t beat the record of another woman who registered to vote after being dead for 114 years.

Hillary Clinton keeps telling voters they should support her because she’s “a doer” -- as opposed to her husband who is a “did her.”

President Bush arrives in Israel on Wednesday. He plans on opening his first speech with a joke about a rabbi, a rabbi, and a rabbi.

President Bush predicted a Mideast peace treaty would be completed by the time he leaves office – uniting, once and for all, Israeli’s Orthodox and Reform Jews.

In-store healthcare wins state approval
Massachusetts state regulators approved store-based medical clinics, clearing the way for CVS’ new 24-hour photo development/proctology services.

Tata unveils world's cheapest car
India's Tata Motors unveiled the world's cheapest car -- $2,500. Steering wheel is optional.

Spears family says Dr. Phil betrayed their trust
The parents of Britney Spears accused Dr. Phil of betraying their trust by publicizing his visit to their daughter while she was hospitalized last week. Said father Jamie Spears, “It was our understanding he was supposed to be videotaping Jamie Lynn’s gynecologist appointment.”

Dr. Phil announced Monday that he is canceling plans for a show on Britney Spears' latest breakdown. Apparently, it would’ve conflicted with the David Hasselhoff intervention and his Amy Winehouse Detox-O-Rama.

New Jersey apologizes for slavery
New Jersey became the first Northern state to apologize for slavery – and the second state to apologize for Donald Trump.

Study: Monkeys “pay” for sex by grooming
A recent study of male macaque monkeys indicates they pay for sex by grooming females -- which also explains their frequent cries of “Who’s your primate?”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:05 PM

Cartoons / Humor

Posted by Mitra Farmand at 07:54 AM

Television / Humor - “How to Look Good Naked,” a new show on Lifetime, seeks to help women feel good about their bodies. Thankfully, this is not a problem for men.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 04:43 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Iowa Caucuses – What have we learned?

• Mike Huckabee has proven there’s one thing Jesus wouldn’t do: charge exorbitant consulting fees to help a Republican win.

• Bill Clinton thought selling the country on the idea of universal health care was tough -- until he tried to sell Iowa on the idea of Hillary as president.

• “Mitt Romney spent millions of dollars in Iowa and all he got was this lousy T-shirt.”

• Barack Obama has a powerful and inspirational message: “I am not Hillary Clinton.”

• John Edwards could crash into the sun and still not catch fire.

The New Hampshire Primary – What will we learn?

• Mitt Romney reached the end of the road. Or has he more positions than a triple-jointed contortionist?

• Evangelical Christian voters from Iowa will be disappointed when their favorite candidate addresses a group of “Nashua Pagans for Huckabee.”

• It takes the average Wellesley College undergraduate years of counseling to erase the trauma of canvassing door-to-door one weekend for alumna Hillary Clinton.

• Barack Obama’s message of hope will be enough to win over New Hampshire voters. Or will he need to dip into Oprah’s swag bag?

• The Granite State will be the biggest test for Ron Paul. Can his blimp make it over Mt. Washington?

Bay State Bombast
It’s been 13 years since gangster Whitey Bulger disappeared. The FBI continues to look for him, and the city of Boston is giving him one more year to return before terminating his no-show job.

Small Street Journal
Former senators John Breaux (D-La.) and Trent Lott (R-Miss.) are opening a bipartisan lobbying firm. It’s the perfect solution for clients with bipartisan back pockets.

Media Bites
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich filed a complaint with the FCC after ABC News excluded him from its Iowa debates. A network spokesman would only comment, “We wouldn't have had this problem if his wife agreed to wear the halter top.”

Inside Scoop
Rudy Giuliani’s advisors have convinced him not take credit for the absence of terrorist attacks on New Hampshire’s Lake Winnipesaukee.

Weekly Prediction
If Bill Richardson finishes out of the running in New Hampshire, his campaign will unveil a new slogan: “Will Serve as Secretary of State for Food.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 02:21 PM