Cornhusker's Lament
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I hate being gay. I just don’t get why everyone thinks it’s so fabulous. I just moved to Boston from Nebraska and the whole gay scene here makes me sick. It’s like all anyone cares about is having the right clothes and being seen in the right places with the right people. Their lives are so shallow and empty. It’s all parties, clubs, shopping, brunches, meaningless one night stands, promiscuous sex, drinking, drugging and dancing all night. It’s like their whole lives revolve around being gay.
Back home it wasn’t like that. Gay people didn’t make a big deal out of their sexuality. You just went about your life discreetly. All the gay guys knew where to meet other gay guys, but our lives weren’t centered on being gay. We had values and were more concerned with things like our families and our work and our communities. And no one else bothered you about your private life.
What should I do? I can’t go back home because I’m working in investment banking and there just aren’t jobs like this back there.
Travis, The South End
Dear Travis — Meaningless one night stands? Promiscuous sex? Drinking, drugging and dancing all night long? Either your letter took 30 years to reach Spike or Spike wants to move to your neighborhood. Seriously, Travis, are you living in the same Boston that Spike is?
As Spike sees it, there are two issues here (well, actually three if we count the fact that you’re a sanctimonious ass):
The first is that you seem to be mixing up being gay with simple urban lifestyle. Going to clubs, shopping, having brunch, visiting museums, etc...are all things that people who live in cities do, whether they’re gay or straight. That’s why people choose to live in cities, Corn-Boy: so they can have easy access to those kinds of activities.
If, on the other hand, your idea of a good time is going to church on Sunday morning, having a pick-up football game in the front yard with your whole extended family before your mom serves up a big batch of fried chicken and homemade bisquits, and then sneaking off behind the Piggly Wiggly to play a little slap and tickle with your old football coach, then perhaps living in the city isn’t the right choice for you.
Within a few miles of downtown Boston there are plenty of cities, towns and neighborhoods that have vastly different cultures from the South End. Maybe you should consider moving to one of them. Spike has a feeling you won’t be missed by your current neighbors.
The other thing is that you’re describing a very narrow subculture of the city. Are there trendy gay boys who like to party all night and have lots of hook-ups? Sure. But there are also a lot of gay guys who work hard, have strong values, and would prefer to kick back with a beer and watch football in their free time. If you go to nightclubs you’re going to meet people who like clubbing, in the same way that if you join a bowling team you’re going to find people who like to bowl (or at least fat guys who like to wear tacky polyester shirts). Boston is a diverse city. If you can’t find anyone except trendy club kids then you’re either hanging out in the wrong places or you’re supremely stupid.
As for your assertion that you hate being gay, to tell you the truth, Spike hates being gay, too...because it’s so boring now. At least in urban (aka educated) areas we’ve lost our outsider status, we’ve lost a lot of our power to provoke mindless hatred and ridicule, we’ve lost most of our clubs and neighborhoods, and we’re utterly ubiquitous. Whatever fabulous cache we may once have had has been drained as we’ve become more a part of the mainstream. It’s just no fun being queer anymore. I mean, what’s the point of being different if you can’t be different?
So Spike suggests that you stop hating on the other gay boys who don’t share your values and go find some who do. Surely there must be others like you: self-hating, narrow-minded, judgmental. Oh wait, have you tried the Log Cabin Republicans?
Dear Spike — What’s with your lack of productivity? I used to be able to count on you for a good laugh at work at last a few days a week. Now it’s like once every few months. What’s the deal?
Bored in the Office, Boston
Dear Bored — Jesus Christ, Bored, didn’t Spike just answer a letter? What more do you want from him? Take, take, take...
SOOOOO sorry but Spike didn’t realize it was his responsibility to distract you from the job for which you get paid. Here’s a suggestion: instead of spending your time at work looking for entertainment on the internet, why don’t you try working? That should take care of that annoying boredom thing and also make you feel good for actually earning your paycheck.
As for Spike’s lowered productivity, this whole advice column business is a 2-way street. When people send Spike letters, he answers them. When they don’t, he watches porn and drinks all day. Don’t expect Spike to make an effort just to provide entertainment for some lazy slacker who’s dragging down the productivity of our once-great nation.
So ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
