This Week in Jokes – 1
Politics / Humor - Politics
The Clinton campaign is energized after winning the N.H. Primary. In fact they’ve now scheduled their candidate to spontaneously almost cry every other Tuesday.
In his post N.H. Primary speech, an optimistic Mitt Romney said, “I've gotten two silvers and one gold.” At some point, voters may not be impressed with his 38 bronze.
Obama has to keep his N.H. Primary second-place finish in perspective. Four years ago, most people thought Barack was IKEA’s line of Moroccan chairs.
John Edwards assured his supporters he’s staying in the campaign. This may not be enough for people who still aren’t aware he’s in it.
It wasn’t a great night for the polls which also predicted 75% less filling, 25% taste great.
Today is the New Hampshire primary and tomorrow those locals who, every four years, hang out in diners while delighting the media with their homespun political wisdom, go back to being their town’s respective village idiots.
For the first time in memory, Hillary Clinton showed emotion in public and may have actually cried – thanks to her newest advisor, the Wizard of Oz.
Mike Huckabee is once again relying on evangelicals to win in South Carolina, where his campaign slogan is: “Darwin? We don’t need no stinkin’Darwin.”
Telephone companies have been cutting off FBI wiretaps because the bureau hasn’t been paying its phone bills on time. And if they don’t pay their other bills, Kinkos may repossess their Most Wanted Posters.
Telephone companies have been cutting off FBI wiretaps because the bureau hasn’t been paying its phone bills on time. So your phone may be tapped if you hear a voice say, “Please insert another 75 cents.”
John Kerry has endorsed Barack Obama, giving Obama the support of those valuable 2004 Anybody-but-Bush supporters.
Mitt Romney is pulling his advertising from South Carolina and Florida. This will allow him to introduce his new Michigan ad campaign: “I can’t believe he’s not Ronald Reagan.”
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is expected to drop out of the race today. He was hoping the country would be asking for new leadership, but more often they asked, “Who’s the pudgy up there with the candidates?”
A 114-year-old woman has registered to vote in Chicago. That still doesn’t beat the record of another woman who registered to vote after being dead for 114 years.
Hillary Clinton keeps telling voters they should support her because she’s “a doer” -- as opposed to her husband who is a “did her.”
President Bush arrives in Israel on Wednesday. He plans on opening his first speech with a joke about a rabbi, a rabbi, and a rabbi.
President Bush predicted a Mideast peace treaty would be completed by the time he leaves office – uniting, once and for all, Israeli’s Orthodox and Reform Jews.
In-store healthcare wins state approval
Massachusetts state regulators approved store-based medical clinics, clearing the way for CVS’ new 24-hour photo development/proctology services.
Tata unveils world's cheapest car
India's Tata Motors unveiled the world's cheapest car -- $2,500. Steering wheel is optional.
Spears family says Dr. Phil betrayed their trust
The parents of Britney Spears accused Dr. Phil of betraying their trust by publicizing his visit to their daughter while she was hospitalized last week. Said father Jamie Spears, “It was our understanding he was supposed to be videotaping Jamie Lynn’s gynecologist appointment.”
Dr. Phil announced Monday that he is canceling plans for a show on Britney Spears' latest breakdown. Apparently, it would’ve conflicted with the David Hasselhoff intervention and his Amy Winehouse Detox-O-Rama.
New Jersey apologizes for slavery
New Jersey became the first Northern state to apologize for slavery – and the second state to apologize for Donald Trump.
Study: Monkeys “pay” for sex by grooming
A recent study of male macaque monkeys indicates they pay for sex by grooming females -- which also explains their frequent cries of “Who’s your primate?”
