This Week in Jokes – 2
Politics / Humor - Politics
Rudy Giuliani asked an evangelical congregation in Miami not for their votes, but for their prayers – and the name of a discreet out-of-the-way hotel.
Mitt Romney told an audience in Michigan, “If I'm president of the United States, I will not rest until Michigan is back.” He then told some jokes at the expense of his home state Massachusetts.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have agreed that arguing over civil rights could harm their party's chances to win the White House. So tomorrow, they’ll issue a joint press release attacking the part in John Edwards’ hair.
Mitt Romney called his win in the Michigan primary “a victory of optimism over Washington-style pessimism.” His financial backers called it a stay of execution.
Asked about husband Bill's infidelity on the “Tyra Banks Show,” Hillary Clinton said, “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever.” And he never doubted her willingness to take a meat cleaver to his privates.
Barack Obama has pledged his support for animal rights. That’s refreshing. In the Bush administration, even the guys who hunt with Dick Cheney don’t have rights.
Mark Deli Siljander, a former Republican congressman from Michigan, was indicted as part of a terrorist fundraising ring that allegedly sent more than $130,000 to an al-Qaida and Taliban supporter. At this point, Republicans would be relieved if the money had been sent to Jack Abramoff.
Jenna Bush and her fiancé Henry Hager will marry in a ceremony on May 10. For security reasons, the caterer is already arranging to ship cocktail wieners to Guantanamo.
Mike Huckabee said in college, he would use a popcorn maker to fry squirrels. He also said his first order when he gets to the White House will be to remove the indoor plumbing.
After asserting that no lobbyists were running his campaign, Mitt Romney got into an argument with a reporter about whether lobbyist Ron Kaufman counted as a campaign aide -- after which Romney was escorted out of the building in Kaufman’s back pocket.
The White House is missing archived e-mail messages for hundreds of days between 2003 and 2005 – including critical business correspondences between President Bush and a Nigerian prince.
A $35 million campaign is being conduced by a group backed by the coal industry to rally public support for coal-fired electricity. Its slogan is: Once you go black lung, you never go back.
Nicolas Cage's naked intruder sentenced to rehab
A naked intruder who broke into actor Nicolas Cage's home has been ordered to undergo six months of drug rehabilitation and work on his love handles.
O.J. Simpson in custody in Florida
O.J. Simpson was taken into custody in Florida because of allegations he violated terms of his bail – the terms being he must inform authorities before he kills someone.
Nicole Richie has a baby
Nicole Richie gave birth to a 6 lbs 7 oz. baby girl – which is also Ritchie’s pre-pregnancy weight.
Scientists create beating hearts in lab
Researchers say they have been able to make hearts from dead rats beat again, and the discovery may one day lead to customized organ transplants for people – or hope for people whose beloved rat is ill.
NYC hits tourism record
A record-setting number of tourists visited New York City the city last year – most hoping to rendezvous with Rudy Giuliani.
Dallas Opera to premiere “Moby Dick”
The Dallas Opera will premiere the opera "Moby Dick." The company’s director said the biggest challenge will be finding an opera singer small enough to fit into a whale costume.
Columbus carried syphilis from New World to Europe, study suggests
A new analysis supports the theory that Columbus carried syphilis from the New World to Europe. So perhaps Queen Isabella wasn’t thrilled with all of the gifts he bought back for her.
Gary Collins checks into Glendale jail
69-year-old TV personality and actor Gary Collins checked into jail Monday to serve a four-day sentence in his drunken driving case. He said, “If I’m a washed-up has-been, how come I’m committing crimes like actors half my age?”
Planes backed into each other in San Francisco
Two jets backed into each other at San Francisco International Airport. The pilots exchanged insurance information and went on their way.
Disney launches Indian story books
Disney plans to publish Indian-language story books. The first one: “The Little Engine that Could Out-Source.”
FDA says clones are safe for food
A Food and Drug Administration report concludes that foods from healthy cloned animals and their offspring are safe to eat – even barbequed hippopota-horse ribs.
Citigroup loses nearly $10 billion
Citigroup reported a nearly $10-billion fourth-quarter loss. And worst news for customers? You now need a $1 billion minimum balance for free checking.
Oprah teams with Discovery on new cable channel
Oprah Winfrey and Discovery Communications Inc. are forming a new cable channel to be called OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. The first show, hosted by Steadman Graham, will be called “This Old Boyfriend.”
ACLU: Sex in restroom stalls is private
The ACLU has filed a brief supporting Sen. Larry Craig, arguing that people who have sex in public bathrooms have an expectation of privacy. As precedent, they point to George Michael v. Strapping Young Undercover Cop with Bedroom Eyes.
Watch what you hang from trailer hitches
Virginia State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles. Apparently, he has no problem with displaying real genitalia.
Guilty plea expected in body parts case
In New York, former oral surgeon Michael Mastromarino pleaded guilty to making millions by carving up hundreds of corpses at a Brooklyn funeral home and selling the parts for dental implants, hip replacements, and other procedures. Authorities have temporarily closed down the Sweeney Todd Funeral Home.
Ike Turner's death ruled cocaine overdose
The San Diego County medical examiner said Ike Turner died of a cocaine overdose. So apparently he did die of natural causes.
Man claims hospital forced rectal exam
In his lawsuit, a New York construction worker claimed he went to a hospital after being hit on the forehead by a falling wooden beam and was forcibly given a rectal examination. The man who gave him the examination would only say, “Perhaps I should have first offered to buy him a drink.”
Don't send in the clowns
A poll of youngsters by University of Sheffield, England researchers has shown that most children don’t like clowns – which explains why so few of them grow up and name their offspring “Bozo.”
Scientists find 2,000 pound rodent
Scientists in Uruguay have found the fossil remains of a 2,000-pound rodent that lived 2 million to 4 million years ago. They attracted it with a 300-pound piece of petrified cheese.
Bin Laden son wants to be peace activist
Osama bin Laden’s son, Omar Osama says he wants to become a peace activist. How hard can that be? Compared to his father, Rambo is a peace activist.
Tyson Foods to investigate claims of chicken abuse
Tyson Foods says it will investigate allegations by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) that chickens were abused at two of its chicken processing plants. So far, 50 hens claimed to have felt threatened by intimidating clucking.
Simpson released from jail on doubled bail
O.J. Simpson has been released from jail on doubled bail – which is the usual policy for double murderers.
