Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. The Republican Party announced his candidacy will be taken over by Brian Dennehey.

The Clinton/Obama slugfest on CNN was the most-watched debate ever in cable news. It just beat out the time Hannity & Colmes argued over who had the best parking space.

The Clinton/Obama slugfest on CNN was the most-watched debate ever in cable news. Although, that’s about as significant as being the most-read book in President Bush’s personal library.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continued to fight after Tuesday’s heated debate. American political discourse has evolved from Lincoln-Douglas to Ralph and Alice Kramden.

Because of campaign financial difficulties, some of Mike Huckabee’s top advisers are working without pay, and some aides are quitting. This has prompted Hukabee to ask: “Who would Jesus lay off?”

Because of campaign financial difficulties, some of Mike Huckabee’s top advisers are working without pay and some aides are quitting. In addition, Chuck Norris has been replaced with a small granite pillar.

A Rudy Giuliani win in Florida now appears to be in jeopardy. Apparently, he’s not polling well with men 85-89 who wear plaid pants.

The Republican presidential candidates differ on global warming. Some see little harm if ocean levels rise a foot or two, while other think surfing in Indiana would be great for the economy.

Mike Huckabee’s campaign is running low on money. He told his staff, “There’s nothing to worry about if we just tighten our Bible belt.”

The Senate will approve President Bush's demand that telephone companies that participated in his warrantless domestic spying program receive retroactive immunity from lawsuits – but only on weekends after 7 PM.

Dennis Kucinich, the man who put the quix in quixotic, dropped out of the presidential race – although many Democrats have asked his wife to stay on until after Spring Break.

Paul Wolfowitz has been named chairman of a panel that advises the State Department on arms-control issues. On a totally unrelated note, his girlfriend accepted a position as his $500,000-a-year intern.

14,000 text messages have been released that show Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who denied under oath last year he was having an affair with a top aid, was carrying on a sexually explicit dialogue with her. Kilpatrick would only say that “smokin’ booty” is a common euphemism for “copy machine.”

At last night’s Republican presidential debate, Mitt Romney said Hillary Clinton “is so out of step with the American people” – then talked about the time his father danced with Bojangles.

Two men were arrested for breaking into Mitt Romney’s Boston headquarters. They didn’t put up a fight, although one man injured his back trying to lift a box containing Romney’s positions on abortion.

Sylvester Stallone, announced he’s supporting John McCain for president. McCain wasn’t Rambo’s first choice but it’s hard to say “Giuliani” without drooling.

New rocket has problem with vibration
NASA engineers are concerned that a new rocket, the Ares I, scheduled to replace the space shuttle, could vibrate violently during the first minutes of flight. Upon hearing about this, 50 million women volunteered to be astronauts.

Herschel Walker reveals he has multiple personalities
Former football great Herschel Walker revealed that he has multiple personalities. This was strenuously denied one hour later by former football great Herschel Walker

Next stop for Lindsay Lohan: The Morgue
After fulfilling several requirements set by her DUI plea agreement, Lindsay Lohan will next have to spend some time in a morgue – where she may encounter her film career.

Computer can help your dog communicate
Hungarian scientists are working on computer software that analyzes dog barks and allows people to better recognize their dogs' basic emotions. And you thought it was hard teaching a person Microsoft Windows.

Hungarian scientists are working on computer software that analyzes dog barks and allows people to better recognize their dogs' basic emotions. The hardest part is getting the dog to type its ID and password.

Three states laud MLK, Gen. Lee on same day
On the day the nation honors the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., three states -- Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi -- also honor Robert E. Lee. To celebrate, Mike Huckabee played “Ebony, Ivory, and Gray” on his guitar.

The head of EBay to retire
The head of EBay is retiring. Applicants to replace her are encouraged to immediately start bidding.

Gay Jesus play angers Australian church leaders
A play in Australia that depicts Jesus being seduced by Judas and conducting a gay marriage for two apostles has been condemned by church leaders. A spokesman for the play said, “He who is without sin cast the first tomato.”

Sympathizers seek answers from al-Qaida
Al-Qaida sympathizers submitted hundreds of questions to al-Qaida deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri's “on-line interview” It’s just part of al-Qaida’s new “Terrorizing to serve you better” program.

Britney Spears spends more than two hours at deposition
Britney Spears spent more than two hours at Kevin Federline's lawyer’s office for a deposition. The toughest question they asked her: “Would you please put on some underwear?”

Mexico City starts grope-free buses for women
Mexico City has started a women-only bus service to protect female passengers from groping. They’re also starting a married men-only bus service to protect passengers from griping.

Ringo walks off `Regis' over song flap
Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" rather than cut short one of his songs. Complained Star, “It’s the only one I know all the words to.”

More snakes on a plane
Vietnam has seized more than a ton of rat snakes found aboard a Vietnam Airlines flight from Bangkok. The snakes were flying as part of the Thailand Bar Association.

Web plagiarism a serious problem
Web plagiarism is a serious problem according to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL). Added a 16-year-old student: “Web plagiarism is a serious problem according to the Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL).”

Sex Toy Thief
Police in Missouri are looking for a burglar who is breaking into adult stores and stealing sex toys. They say he should be considered armed and vibrating.

Starbucks tests $1 coffee, free refills
Starbucks is test marketing $1 coffee with free refills. The customers who said they preferred more expensive coffee with no refills also said they preferred paying for their napkins.

Trader blamed for lost billions
A junior trader at French banking giant Societe Generale cost the company $7.2 billion by making unauthorized bets on European stock prices. He said in retrospect, he may have depended too heavily on his lucky coffee cup.

Ford to offer buyouts to 54,000 workers
Ford is offering buyouts to 54,000 of its workers. Its new slogan is “Employment Security is not Job 1 through 54,000.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com