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Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I recently put my house of 10 years on the market. One of the things that my broker noted when she first came to meet with me was that it smelled like smoke and that that might be an issue for some buyers. I know that non-smokers can be very sensitive to smoke, so before every showing I’ve made an extra effort to ensure that the smoke smell is minimal.
Well, this morning I received an offer on my house...with a contingency. The buyers want me to have the house professionally cleaned at my expense until it meets with their approval in terms of the smoke smell being removed. They also want me to agree not to smoke in the house after the cleaning.
I’m not sure what to do. Part of me is really offended by their request. It’s not like I’m living in some dark, one room hovel with overflowing ashtrays on every surface and nicotine-stained walls. The house is a bright, airy bungalow with lots of windows. I also keep it near-immaculate clean at all times, steam clean the carpets and furniture every 6 months, and repaint every 3 years. At the same time, the housing market is so bad right now that I’m afraid to pass up an opportunity to sell.
I get that some people just don’t like the smell of smoke, in the same way that I get turned off by the smells of old food or dirty laundry when I go into a house, but I also know that 90% of the smoke smell is going to leave with me and the other 10% will disappear as soon as they repaint, which I’m sure the new owners would do anyway.
Given that you’re a smoker, what would you do in my situation?
— Smokin’ Joe, Atlanta, Georgia
Dear Smokin’ — What would Spike do in your situation? He would ask his broker to arrange a meeting with the prospective buyers, show up with a lit cigarette dangling from each corner of his mouth, and tell them to go fuck themselves. Then again Spike is fabulously wealthy from writing this column and could afford to let his house rot into the ground to make a point.
You know, Spike tries to be tolerant of other people. He really does, as hard as that is most of the time. But the one thing he can’t tolerate is intolerance, and these people are being intolerant in the worst kind of way. Essentially they’re trying to punish you for something they find offensive. It’s like they’re saying, “You wanted to smoke in this house? Great, now you’re going to pay for it.”
Suppose you were a Buddhist and they were conservative Christians. Would it be all right for them to ask you to pay for an exorcist to come to the house to get rid of your non-Christian-God spirits before they moved in? No. Suppose you were grossly overweight. Would it be okay for them to ask you to lose 300 lbs first because the idea of living in a fat person’s house grosses them out? No...although it would certainly be understandable.
Perhaps the analogies aren’t perfect, but you get the point. Do they have a right to live in a house that doesn’t smell like smoke? Yes, of course. But you also have a right to smoke in the house that you currently own and they don’t have a right to try to punish you for it.
In Spike’s opinion, you’re no more responsible for de-smoking the house than you would be for painting the walls or remodeling the bathroom to suit their tastes. While it’s your house you can do whatever the hell you want in it. When it’s theirs they can do the same. So long as you’re honest about the condition of the house, you’ve met your responsibility.
Now it may seem as though you have no choice, that they have all the power because you want to sell your home and they have the money to buy it. But the reality is that you also have power because you have a house they want to buy, and you’re under no obligation to sell it to them. Spike understands your concern that if you turn them down you might miss out on your only chance to sell your house for a while, but you really shouldn’t negotiate something as large and important as the sale of a house from a position of fear.
If you want to accommodate them to some level, fine. But you need to limit your exposure. The way you described the contingency everything is at their discretion. That’s not a good thing, especially with intolerant assholes. They could keep asking you to bring in professional cleaners every month for the next 2 years claiming they can still smell the smoke. You need to agree to a limit. Maybe you agree to bring is a professional cleaning service once after you move out. Or maybe you agree to replace the carpets. Those would both be reasonable accommodations. Beyond that you’re opening yourself up for trouble and rewarding them for being dicks.
Best of luck, Smokin’. Perhaps in your next house you should do what Spike did and just have everything shrink-wrapped in heavy plastic. Sure the couch sticks to your thighs on a hot day and makes embarrassing farting noises when company comes over, but when it’s time to clean you just splash some laundry detergent around and hose it all down and the whole place smells as fresh as a Tahitian waterfall.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Ralph Nader announced he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
• Yeah, it’s me again.
• My suit will be ready on day one.
• Admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like if I were in charge.
• Can you spare some change we can believe in?
• If I don’t win this time, my relatives will have me committed.
The Bush administration announced U.S. telecommunications companies have agreed to cooperate “for the time being” with spy agencies’ wiretaps -- as long as surveillance targets agree to a two-year service contract that includes phone, cable, and Internet.
John McCain denied his campaign is being run by lobbyists -- during his daily Verizon press conference and before his Sealy Posturepedic nap.
Officials announced that George W. Bush’s presidential library will be housed at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, costing hundreds of millions of dollars in private donations. Or about $250 million per book.
Bay State Bombast
Two Lowell lawmakers have proposed the state monitor sex offenders on probation with global positioning systems. A less expensive option is to sign them to NFL contracts and have the New England Patriots videotape them.
Small Street Journal
A Virgin Atlantic jumbo jet, traveling from London to the Netherlands, flew the world’s first commercial flight fueled by a bio-jet blend including babassu oil and coconut oil. Other flights will be powered by Creamy Italian and Ranch.
Media Bites
The White House accused The New York Times on of continually trying to “drop a bombshell” on Republican presidential nominees like John McCain. The spokesman added, “Traditionally, that’s been Karl Rove’s job.”
Inside Scoop
The government intentionally crashed that $1.2B B-2 stealth bomber in Guam for the insurance money.
Weekly Prediction
In a last-ditch attempt to win the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton will claim Barack Obama is not an African American, but is the illegitimate son of George Hamilton.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor
Possible captions
• Would the person who stole my wife’s batteries please return them?
• Cindy will next pretend she’s trapped in an invisible box.
• If you don’t believe she has her own opinions, pull the string in her back.
• She’s a great gal, particularly when I switch her to vibrate.
• We were introduced by a mutual friend, Madame Tussaud.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — My boyfriend, Mark, and I have been together for 3 years. Overall things have been really good, but there is one issue that’s been bothering me. For the last six months every time I’ve gotten together with my best friend, Sarah, Mark has invited himself along. Sarah and Mark like one another so it’s cool when we’re all together, but I also miss spending time alone with Sarah.
So I made plans with Sarah for last night and I told Mark a few days ago that it was just going to be a “girls night out.” He seemed okay with it, but as soon as Sarah and I sat down for cocktails I got a text message from Mark asking if he could join us.
I was really kind of pissed but I also knew that if I said no his feelings would be hurt, so instead I just didn’t respond at all and figured I could pretend I never got the message. I know that was pretty chicken shit but I really wanted to avoid a confrontation.
Well, there was no confrontation because when I got home Mark was asleep, and today he won’t talk to me at all. I’m not sure where he is now. He left at 11 this morning and he’s still not home yet at 4 in the afternoon.
How should I handle this? Do you think I owe him an apology? Am I obligated to invite him whenever I get together with Sarah or other friends because we’re a couple?
— Josh in Washington, DC
Dear Josh — Spike was just reading an article in the “New England Journal of Medicine.” Did you know they’re doing wonders these days with spine transplants? Maybe you should look into it.
Do you owe Mark an apology? Absolutely! And the next time someone cuts you off in traffic you should apologize to them, too, just for being there when they wanted to arbitrarily change lanes. How low is your self-esteem that you would even ask Spike a question like that? There so much wrong with what Mark did that Spike hardly knows where to begin.
First of all he showed a complete lack of respect for you and for boundaries. Of course you have a right to get together with friends without him. In fact Spike thinks it’s healthy for people in relationships to cultivate outside friendships. Otherwise what the hell are the two of you going to talk about if you do everything together? The fact that Mark tried to invite himself after you made it clear that you wanted to see Sarah alone suggests that he has no concern whatsoever for your wishes, and that’s very dangerous in a relationship.
Secondly, his approach was pure passive-aggression...and you bought into it. He set you up to be the bad guy. If you acceded to his pathetic begging you would have alienated Sarah. And by saying no (or ignoring him, which amounts to the same thing) you became the bad guy in the relationship. It was a no-win situation for you.
Finally, his reaction demonstrates a dismal lack of maturity. He’s like a little kid in a store who kicks and screams until his parents surrender and buy him what he wants. The correct reaction, assuming that his feelings were genuinely hurt, would have been to express what he was feeling to you so you could better understand his position. That could have lead a constructive discussion about your desire to maintain a friendship with Sarah that extends beyond the time the three of you spend together. And again Mark has put you on the defensive because his reaction is making you feel like you have to apologize and fix the situation.
But Mark is not the only one to blame here. You’re just as much at fault because you’ve allowed Mark to insinuate himself unchecked into your relationship with Sarah over an extended period of time. As soon as you began to feel that he was intruding you should have said, “Look, I think it’s great that you and Sarah get along so well and I want the two of you to be friends, but she’s my best friend and some times I just want to be alone with her.” That’s something that you owed to Sarah.
So how do you handle the situation now? Well, first of all you’ll need to muster a little righteous indignation...if that’s at all possible. Then when Mark finally shows up you have to say, “This is ridiculous. You’re acting like a child. We need to talk about this right now.”
Then you need to make it clear why you think what he did was wrong, and why it’s important to you to spend time alone with Sarah. Make him understand your perspective. Then give him a chance to explain his feelings and why he reacted the way he did. Generally speaking, when someone tries to push their way into a situation it’s because they’re feeling left out or insecure. You have to get to the root of his behavior. BUT, you still have to make him understand that what he did was wrong.
Spike is reminded of a similar situation he found himself in a few years ago. One day as Spike settled down on the sofa to watch TV he found himself laying in a big patch of cat urine. He scolded his cat, Mister Mange, and cleaned up the mess, assuming it was a one-time mistake. But the very next day the same thing happened again, and it continued to happen almost every day for the next two months (of course after the second day Spike put a garbage bag on the couch with a towel over it so the sofa wouldn’t get ruined).
Being a cat expert, Spike knew that cats generally piss on furniture to express that they’re upset about something, and that they’re very specific about where they choose to do it. So Spike pondered long and hard over what he could be doing to upset Mister Mange so much that he would keep pissing in Spike’s favorite spot on the couch. Finally Spike gave up and took Mister Mange to the vet and it turned out Mister Mange’s kidneys were failing, and a few months later Mister Mange was dead.
So what’s the point? The point is that Mister Mange wasn’t pissing on the couch because of anything Spike was doing, although Spike was only too ready to accept the blame and accommodate the bad behavior because he loved Mister Mange. And by not seeing the problem for what it really was and addressing it immediately, Spike allowed the situation to get worse and eventually killed his cat.
You see what Spike is saying? Basically Mark is sick and it’s not your fault so you may as well have him put to sleep immediately. Oh wait, that’s not what Spike meant to say. Anyway, you see the point, Spike is sure.
So ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Struggling to close a $4.4 billion deficit, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their illegal drugs. Here are some other taxes and fees the governor should consider:
• Prostitutes are levied a graduated booty tax, which would depend on how much junk they’re packing in their trunk.
• Salespeople must buy a license to sell fake Rolex watches out of a car.
• Squeegee men must charge a 10 percent tax on each vehicle which can be collected by threatening to urinate on it.
• Crack addicts will pay an excise tax on all valuables stolen to supply their habit. Amy Winehouse will be charged double.
• Police must pay a tax on all bribes and payoffs, but can deduct the cost of laundering dirty cash. There is also a 10 percent reduction if your name is Serpico.
President George H.W. Bush has endorsed John McCain -- but only after son Neil emerged from a Bangkok brothel and announced he wasn’t running.
In the Netherlands, people protested outside a theater where a 104-year-old singer who once performed for Adolf Hitler sang for the first time in four decades. He didn’t help his cause when he goose-stepped across the stage using a walker.
Songwriter Tom Scholz of the band Boston told Mike Huckabee to stop using the band’s song “More Than a Feeling” without his permission. Huckabee said “I have more than a feeling I’m going to get sued.”
Bay State Bombast
People have been auditioning at the FELT nightclub in Boston to become contestants on NBC’s reality show, “The Biggest Loser.” So far, the leading candidates are a 400-pound guy and Mitt Romney.
Small Street Journal
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said, “The outlook for the economy has worsened in recent months and the downside risks to growth have increased.” On the bright side, there’s never been a better time to invest in soup kitchens.
Media Bites
People downloaded more than one million free copies of Suze Orman’s “Women & Money” after Oprah Winfrey announced it would be available on her Web site. Orman’s lesson number one: How to get Oprah to market your crap.
Inside Scoop
After losing the Potomac primaries by big numbers, Hillary Clinton fired her 32nd personality consultant.
Weekly Prediction
If Barack Obama’s rallies get any bigger, he’ll be forced to announce his new band leader before his new cabinet.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor
Possible captions
• The San Francisco City Council is now in session.
• Another Match.com satisfied customer.
• Which way to the Chippendale Dancers Reunion?
• Yes we have a complaint. You put way too much starch in our leather shorts.
• We’re here for the Sen. Larry Craig birthday party.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
Barack Obama won the Maine caucuses. Exit polling showed him doing very well with voters 34-67 and lobsters baked and broiled.
Hillary Clinton has replaced her campaign manager with longtime aide Maggie Williams. Williams’ new strategy is to focus less on cold and more on calculating.
Hillary Clinton has refused to release her tax returns until she wins the Democratic presidential nomination – or at least until Bill can find all his receipts form Hooters.
Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis. It was very emotional. They hugged and then Solis went to the hospital to be treated for ice burns.
Barack Obama won a Grammy. The question is: In a General Election, will he be able to beat a Grampy?
McNamee says he injected Clemens' wife
Brian McNamee, who claims to have injected Roger Clemens with steroids, says he also injected Clemens’ wife. It could be true. She once threw Roger out of the house at 98 MPH.
Heidi Fleiss arrested on drug charges
Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss – who now runs a Laundromat – was arrested in Nevada for driving under the influence and possessing drugs without a prescription. On the bright side, she has now qualified to star in at least ten reality shows.
Gay Mormons seek meeting with new leader
A group of gay Mormons is seeking a meeting with the new church president. Good luck getting him to agree on multiple husbands.
Half of UK men would swap sex for 50 inch TV
According to a survey, almost half of British men and a third of British women would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV. Although, they suspected the other 70 percent of women were lying when they said size didn’t matter.
Pat O'Brien Is back in rehab
Pat O'Brien, co-host of The Insider, Is back in rehab. It’s been rumored he was up to 10 bottles of hair dye a day.
Real estate agent finds dead owner in closet
A real estate agent showing a prospective buyer a house in England found the owner hanging dead in a closet. Apparently, it was a walk-in and a die-in closet.
Animal rights advocates oppose tribute to fried chicken
Animal rights advocates are opposing a measure that would make KFC's "finger lickin' good" chicken Kentucky's official picnic food. Others oppose it because it ignores KFC’s occasional "finger lickin' good" rodent.
Pelican may get off endangered list
The pelican may get off endangered list – just in time to be strafed by a Cheney hunting party.
Reaching 100 is easier than suspected
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. For men, it means making sure you never receive a lap dance by a woman over 275 pounds.
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. For women, it means making sure you never date a man with a snake tattoo on his forehead.
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. The hardest part is letting yourself in and out of the freezer every day.
UF rewrites taser policy following incident at Kerry speech
University of Florida police have changed their taser policy, restricting its use, due to the incident during a John Kerry speech. However, it can still be used on John Kerry.
Older population to more than double
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe the most popular phrase will be “I SAID, ‘DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?’”
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe 95 percent of the population will be living in Florida.
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe 135 will become the new 40.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
On Saturday, Barack Obama easily swept the Louisiana, Washington, and Nebraska presidential contests. Key factors included:
• Louisiana -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for Fats Domino’s piano style.”
• Nebraska -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for the popularity of corn on the cob.”
• Washington -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for rainy weather and the Windows operating system.”
After winning the Kansas caucuses, Mike Huckabee said, “I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.” His next miracle: President McCain appoints him Secretary of Freebies.
Dick Cheney joined with lawmakers in signing a Supreme Court brief that goes further in support of gun rights than the one submitted by the Bush administration. He then boarded an F-16 fighter jet to go pheasant hunting.
In a speech, President Bush said electing Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would threaten “prosperity and peace.” Asked to respond, John McCain said, “Ronald Reagan.”
Bay State Bombast
How can Mitt Romney go back to Massachusetts after dissing it for two years? Here are some suggestions:
• Fund a scholarship for modeling school.
• Sponsor a state law that prevents anyone from asking, “Do you have a Staples Reward card?”
• Release the rest of the landscapers from his basement.
• Memorize Kerry Healey’s name.
• Ask the selectmen from his hometown Belmont to declare the town a sanctuary affluent community.
Small Street Journal
According to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll, 61 percent of the public believes the economy is in a recession. An elated President Bush said, “That means the glass is 39 percent full."
Media Bites
MSNBC anchor David Shuster was suspended for saying the Clinton campaign had “pimped out” daughter Chelsea by having her call Democratic Party “superdelegates” on her mother’s behalf. An outraged Fox News executive demanded, “Why didn’t we think of that?”
Inside Scoop
To rein in Chris Matthews, MSNBC has forced the “Hardball” host to wear a shock collar that gives him a jolt of electricity if he says “Hillary” more than three times a second.
Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will categorically deny his college roommate was Pablo Escobar.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor
Possible captions
• Introducing the new and improved George Foreman Voting Machine.
• Should I release the trap door now, Mr. Clinton?
• No, Sen. Clinton, this voting machine doesn’t make your ass look big.
• I’m sorry, this didn’t happen the last time I sawed a presidential candidate in half.
• Hey, who wrote, “For a good time, call Bill Clinton.”?
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
Maria Shriver is supporting Barack Obama while her husband, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, is supporting John McCain. To save their marriage, Wolf Blitzer will be moderating all dinner conversation.
Mike Huckabee complained that he always gets questions about God when he'd rather talk about public policy. “For example,’ he said, “no one asks me about how Christ will lower the deficit.”
John McCain is trying to reassure Republicans that he is conservative enough. Yesterday, he gave an oil executive a foot massage.
President Bush has proposed the nation's first-ever $3 trillion budget, most of which will be used to settle lawsuits from Dick Cheney hunting accidents.
A Romney win on Super Tuesday would be brutal for John Edwards. All he’d be thinking is: “That could’ve been my hair up there.”
The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Hillary is wearing her lucky pantsuit.
The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Mike Huckabee said a prayer for his prayer.
The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Barack Obama asked his lucky rabbit’s foot to believe.
It wasn’t the best night for Mitt Romney, although he’s now hoping the next primaries will make him the “Comeback Manager.”
Democrats are still divided over Clinton and Obama. At least that’s better than being divided over Hillary and Monica.
Mike Huckabee won the Republican presidential nominating race in West Virginia, thus justifying his “Possum in Every Pot” ad campaign.
Apparently, Obama supporters didn’t think female voters would be as excited about Hillary as Bill was about female voters.
The candidates are making adjustments as the campaign continues. For instance, Barack Obama has modified his slogan to read: “Change we can believe in – if more people get off their asses and vote.”
President Bush is ready to support the Republican presidential nominee. In fact, he’d even be willing to put a good word for the candidate with the Supreme Court.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama each got 6,001 votes in Syracuse in the state primary. Or as they call that in Florida: and overwhelming victory for George Bush.
Things aren’t looking good for Mitt Romney. In fact, he’s starting to receive late payment notices from himself.
Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. She could easily raise more money but refuses to let Bill set up a kissing booth.
Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. Her campaign staff has also offered to smear Barack Obama without pay.
Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. She was also seen on a street corner holding up a sign that read “Will triangulate for food.”
Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race. As is his policy, he wrote himself a memo thanking him for his dedicated service, then escorted himself out of his campaign headquarters.
John McCain has to figure out a way to get conservatives to like him. He might try breaking Jack Abramoff out of jail.
John McCain has to figure out a way to get conservatives to like him. He might start with finding Ann Coulter a date.
President Bush said “prosperity and peace” are at stake in the upcoming election. He’s right. If we elect Obama or Clinton, we may actually achieve them.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now competing for campaign dollars. In fact, yesterday I saw a volunteer soliciting an ATM machine.
According to a new AP poll, President Bush and Congress have reached all-time low approval ratings. In fact, if they get any lower Osama bin Laden may launch an exploratory committee.
China surgeon performs cataract operation on tiger cub
An eye surgeon in China has performed a cataract operation on tiger cub. It was a success. Yesterday, the cat passed its drivers test.
Quarter of Brits think Churchill was myth: poll
A quarter of people polled in Britain think Winston Churchill was a myth and a majority think Sherlock Holmes was real. This can only mean one thing: The American system of education is catching on.
Shark undergoing therapy after attack by bigger shark
A small shark that survived an attack from a bigger shark at Underwater Adventures Aquarium at the Mall of America is undergoing therapy. It’s also the fist time Dr. Phil has worked with a snorkel.
Paula Abdul says new album expected in summer
Paula Abdul says she’s working on a new album to be released in the summer. The title song is: “I will survive -- just barely.”
Scientists create “no tears” onions
Scientists in New Zealand and Japan have created a tear-free onion. They’re also working on a potato that will make you feel better about yourself.
Britney Spears' father takes over her affairs
While she is being hospitalized, Britney Spears' father has taken over her affairs. He’s now dating a bartender and a cell phone salesman.
Bob Knight resigns as Texas Tech coach
Bob Knight resigned as Texas Tech basketball coach. He said it was time to throw in the towel and throw out the chair.
Lawmaker wants to ban restaurants from serving to obese customers
A state lawmaker in Jackson, Mississippi has proposed banning restaurants from serving food to obese customers. Why not just require narrower restaurant doors?
Karl Rove to join Fox News Channel
Karl Rove is joining Fox News Channel as a political analyst. The staff welcomed him with a gift-wrapped box of false rumors.
Woman puts seatbelt on case of beer but not baby
A woman in St. Augustine, Florida was accused of drunk driving with a case of beer buckled up safely and a one-year-old girl sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt or car seat. She also was automatically inducted into the White Trash Hall of Fame.
Dutch unveil robot to fill car gas tank
Dutch inventors unveiled a car-fuelling robot. They said they got the idea while watching two robots mate.
Dutch inventors unveiled a car-fuelling robot. The only possible problem would be customers suing for sexual harassment.
CIA says used waterboarding on three suspects
The CIA has admitted waterboarding three suspects – four counting a secretary accused of stealing Post-it Notes.
Beatles guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi dies
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the guru to the Beatles, died at 91-years old. His last words were: “Okay, I admit it. Yoko Ono is a bitch.”
Roger Clemens speaks under oath to Congress
Roger Clemens spoke under oath to congressional lawyers saying he did not use performance-enhancing drugs. He then apologized for accidentally breaking the microphone in half.
German convicted of sending penis photo by phone
A German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman through his cell phone. He was surprised by the verdict, saying, “I didn’t think the evidence would stand up in court.”
Paris Hilton talks about her acting coach
Paris Hilton raved to People magazine about her acting coach. That’s like President Bush raving about his speech coach.
Drunken Australian threatened city with TV remote
A drunken man in Canberra, Australia threatened to blow up the city with his TV remote control. Fortunately, he only changed it to BBC Two.
Britney Spears released from hospital
Britney Spears was released from the hospital. The staff wished her good luck and prepared her room for tomorrow’s emergency admission.
Toe-licking robber gets probation term
A man who robbed a woman, then licked her toes, was sentenced to five years' probation – one for each little piggy.
Macy's cutting about 2,300 jobs
Macy's is cutting about 2,300 jobs. You can tell who’s getting the ax. They’re the ones saying “How might I have helped you?”
Consumer confidence sinks even lower
According to the RBC Cash Index, consumer confidence last month was the worst since the index began in 2002. And for the first time ever, buying a pack of gum at Wal-Mart is considered a major investment.
Anti-impotence pill could boost high flying pilots
The Israeli military's official magazine reported an anti-impotence drug could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. The only problem will be designing a larger cockpit.
Kirsten Dunst enters Rehab
Kirsten Dunst has entered rehab. She knew it was time to get some help when she kept seeing little Spidermen crawling all over her.
Saudi cops grab U.S. woman In Starbucks
An American businesswoman was arrested in Saudi Arabia for sitting with a male colleague at a Starbucks in Riyadh. And yet it’s legal to charge six bucks for a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m feeling really stressed out. It seems like I just don’t have enough time to do all the things I need to do and I’m starting to freak out. Between work, the gym, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, buying stuff for my apartment, seeing my friends, seeing my family, etc..., I just don’t have any time to myself, let alone time for dating.
I look at people I work with who work just as many hours as I do and they just don’t seem to be nearly as stressed, and some of them have kids. I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?
—On the Edge, Boston
Dear Edge — Have you considered the possibility that you’re just a pussy?
First of all you can’t look at people with children as a barometer of how well you handle stress, because chances are they’re brain-dead. Plus they’re at a whole different stress level from the rest of us. For them, things like a leaky roof or busted transmission are minor annoyances compared to trying to provide food and clothing, paying for family health insurance, making sure their kids aren’t planning to gun down any classmates, and putting away money for college. They are like the Yodas to our Luke Skywalkers. They’ve developed a mastery of regular stress that we can’t even begin to comprehend.
(Note: Spike is NOT talking about those assholes in places like Newton, Wellesley and Weston who just have kids as fashion accessories. Those people are completely fucked up. The only reason they can get through the day is because they’re on Prozac and they’re paying someone else to look after their little monsters.)
As Spike sees it, your problem is that you don’t know how to distinguish between actual priorities and manufactured priorities.
Looking at your list, certainly working, doing laundry, and grocery shopping would qualify as actual priorities. Unless one is gifted with a trust fund or winning lottery ticket, work is a priority for pretty much everyone because it allows us to house and feed ourselves, as well as pay for those little niceties like clothes, heat and electricity. And for most people having clean clothes is a priority so that they can go to work without offending colleagues (fortunately for Spike, looking or smelling good isn’t an issue at work). And obviously grocery shopping is important if one wants to eat without paying exorbitant restaurant prices. Of course the latter two could be outsourced if one had the resources, but personally Spike finds both activities to be very soothing, plus he likes to look at all the pretty “fashions” at the grocery store, where the "Farrah-do" and “Flash Dance look" apparently never go out of style.
As for the rest of your list, let’s see...going to the gym. Oh, are you a swimsuit model? A competitive bodybuilder? A professional athlete? Spike didn’t think so, in which case going to the gym is NOT a real priority. Yeah, Spike can hear your argument: “But working out helps me relieve stress!” Really? Not if the amount of stress it relieves is equal to the amount of stress created by trying to fit it into your schedule. Yes, there are certainly health benefits to working out, but let’s face it, you’re only doing it because you’re vain and because everyone else is going and you feel you have to keep up. Try doing some push ups in your living room instead.
Buying stuff for your apartment? What, are you building a collection of throw pillows and an orphan will be sacrificed if you don’t complete it by a certain date? Shopping is supposed to be fun. If you’re doing it so much that it’s causing you to freak out then you have a much bigger problem than stress.
Seeing family and friends? Spike can see how getting together with family on any routine basis could be stressful, but realistically how often does that happen (once every 23 years when they come out to feed for Spike)? And getting together with friends should be a way to unwind. If not, then perhaps you need new friends.
The point, Edge, is that you’re feeling stressed because you choose to treat everything like a priority. Spike keeps his own life very simple: he has to work; he has to pay bills; he has to walk and feed the dog; he has to drink and smoke. Everything else—eating, sleeping, bathing, enriching the lives of others with his wisdom—are just thing he LIKES to do when time permits. They don’t cause him any stress because he doesn’t feel the need to shoehorn them into his schedule.
Honestly, based on your list Spike doesn’t understand why you’re feeling stressed because it really doesn’t seem like you’ve got very much going on in your life, but perhaps you just have a very low stress threshold. So Spike suggests that you do what he does: any time you’re faced with doing something that causing you stress or anxiety, just ask yourself, “Will anyone die if I don’t do this?” And if the answer is, “Nobody who owes me money,” then just skip it. Believe Spike, you’ll find that the days have more than enough hours to accomplish anything of true importance.
So ciao for now,
Spike
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
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ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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