Do you owe Mark an apology? Absolutely! And the next time someone cuts you off in traffic you should apologize to them, too, just for being there when they wanted to arbitrarily change lanes. How low is your self-esteem that you would even ask Spike a question like that? There so much wrong with what Mark did that Spike hardly knows where to begin.

First of all he showed a complete lack of respect for you and for boundaries. Of course you have a right to get together with friends without him. In fact Spike thinks it’s healthy for people in relationships to cultivate outside friendships. Otherwise what the hell are the two of you going to talk about if you do everything together? The fact that Mark tried to invite himself after you made it clear that you wanted to see Sarah alone suggests that he has no concern whatsoever for your wishes, and that’s very dangerous in a relationship.

Secondly, his approach was pure passive-aggression...and you bought into it. He set you up to be the bad guy. If you acceded to his pathetic begging you would have alienated Sarah. And by saying no (or ignoring him, which amounts to the same thing) you became the bad guy in the relationship. It was a no-win situation for you.

Finally, his reaction demonstrates a dismal lack of maturity. He’s like a little kid in a store who kicks and screams until his parents surrender and buy him what he wants. The correct reaction, assuming that his feelings were genuinely hurt, would have been to express what he was feeling to you so you could better understand his position. That could have lead a constructive discussion about your desire to maintain a friendship with Sarah that extends beyond the time the three of you spend together. And again Mark has put you on the defensive because his reaction is making you feel like you have to apologize and fix the situation.

But Mark is not the only one to blame here. You’re just as much at fault because you’ve allowed Mark to insinuate himself unchecked into your relationship with Sarah over an extended period of time. As soon as you began to feel that he was intruding you should have said, “Look, I think it’s great that you and Sarah get along so well and I want the two of you to be friends, but she’s my best friend and some times I just want to be alone with her.” That’s something that you owed to Sarah.

So how do you handle the situation now? Well, first of all you’ll need to muster a little righteous indignation...if that’s at all possible. Then when Mark finally shows up you have to say, “This is ridiculous. You’re acting like a child. We need to talk about this right now.”

Then you need to make it clear why you think what he did was wrong, and why it’s important to you to spend time alone with Sarah. Make him understand your perspective. Then give him a chance to explain his feelings and why he reacted the way he did. Generally speaking, when someone tries to push their way into a situation it’s because they’re feeling left out or insecure. You have to get to the root of his behavior. BUT, you still have to make him understand that what he did was wrong.

Spike is reminded of a similar situation he found himself in a few years ago. One day as Spike settled down on the sofa to watch TV he found himself laying in a big patch of cat urine. He scolded his cat, Mister Mange, and cleaned up the mess, assuming it was a one-time mistake. But the very next day the same thing happened again, and it continued to happen almost every day for the next two months (of course after the second day Spike put a garbage bag on the couch with a towel over it so the sofa wouldn’t get ruined).

Being a cat expert, Spike knew that cats generally piss on furniture to express that they’re upset about something, and that they’re very specific about where they choose to do it. So Spike pondered long and hard over what he could be doing to upset Mister Mange so much that he would keep pissing in Spike’s favorite spot on the couch. Finally Spike gave up and took Mister Mange to the vet and it turned out Mister Mange’s kidneys were failing, and a few months later Mister Mange was dead.

So what’s the point? The point is that Mister Mange wasn’t pissing on the couch because of anything Spike was doing, although Spike was only too ready to accept the blame and accommodate the bad behavior because he loved Mister Mange. And by not seeing the problem for what it really was and addressing it immediately, Spike allowed the situation to get worse and eventually killed his cat.

You see what Spike is saying? Basically Mark is sick and it’s not your fault so you may as well have him put to sleep immediately. Oh wait, that’s not what Spike meant to say. Anyway, you see the point, Spike is sure.

So ciao for now,
Spike

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.