Writer Toni Morrison, credited for calling Bill Clinton the "first black president," has endorsed Barack Obama for president. Apparently, she never forgave Bill for marrying a white woman.

President Vladimir Putin's chosen successor, Dmitry Medvedev, has refused to debate his rivals in live television debates. Instead, he’ll be guest hosting an episode of “This Old Gulag.”

Sen. John McCain won the Florida Republican primary in the only state where he could be affectionately known as “The Kid.”

His third place finish in Florida may be the end of the line for Rudy Giuliani. Thankfully, he has the support of a good wife and two or three mistresses.

While visiting a faith-based program that helps former prisoners deal with drug addiction, President Bush said faith helped him beat drinking. Maybe that could help all the Americans who started drinking because of Bush.

Barack Obama attempted to woo Jewish voters during a conference call with Israeli and Jewish reporters from Florida. It didn’t hurt that he kept referring to himself as Barack Oy-bama.

President Bush’s final State of the Union addresses was his least-watched. You could tell his heart wasn’t in it. The teleprompter was giving him NBA scores.

John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race. At least now he’ll be able to spend more time with his wife, children, and sideburns.

John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, he was running low on cash and down to his last America.

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who was caught sending racy text messages to his former chief of staff, asked his wife and constituents for forgiveness in a televised speech. He also promised to resign if he ever types the word, “bootylicious” again

Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race. When asked what he plans to do in the future, he replied, “I’m back on the clock. Pay me my $50,000 speaker’s fee and I’ll tell you.”

Hillary Clinton keeps saying we need a president who will be ready on Day One. The bigger question is: How distracted will she be when her husband still hasn’t come home by Day Five?

John McCain had been endorsed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. At least that’s what they think Schwarzenegger said.

John McCain had been endorsed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger said McCain is experienced, honest, and has no hard-to-pronounce ‘R’s in his name.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were so nice to each other in last night’s debate you would’ve thought they were dating – not like the previous debate where you would’ve thought they were married.

Barack Obama raised $32 million in January. When the Clinton camp heard about that, they immediately booked Bill Clinton on the next flight to Kazakhstan.

New Miss America had an eating disorder
Three years ago, newly crowned Miss America Kirsten Haglund suffered from anorexia – trying to battle it and spell it.

Dunkin' Donuts in China
Dunkin' Donuts announced it will open 100 franchise locations in Shanghai over the next 10 years. Most stores will feature General Tso's muffin.

Cougar spotted at Jet Propulsion Laboratory in La Cañada Flintridge
A cougar was spotted at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in La Cañada Flintridge in California. It was being chased by a young guy who was trying to ask her out for a drink.

Tantric master breaks ice record
Wim Hof, who calls himself a tantric master, broke his own world record by standing engulfed in ice for 72 minutes. Before that, the record was held by Bill Clinton on his wedding night.

New Kids On The Block Stage Comeback
The New Kids on the Block are getting back together. Although, they’ll now be called the Middle Age Guys in the Condo.

Stallone: HGH use is “nothing”
Sylvester Stallone, who says he used human growth hormone to get in shape for his latest “Rambo” movie, said, “Testosterone to me is so important for a sense of well-being when you get older.” Plus, it helps you maintain a youthful mumble.

Fire breaks out at Las Vegas resort
A fire broke out Friday at the Monte Carlo hotel-casino in Las Vegas. No one was hurt seriously, but a fireman strained his back while carrying a victim still attached to a one-arm bandit.

Japanese firm offers “heartache leave” for staff
A Japanese marketing company is now offering “heartache leave” for its lovelorn staff. However, anyone with a lover on the side will be forced to work double time.

Britney Spears' manager says singer has "mental issues"
Britney Spears' manager says she has some “mental issues.” That's like saying the Titanic had a dampness problem.

Burger chain offers “McDiplomas”
The British government is giving McDonald's the right to award credits toward a high school diploma to employees who complete on-the-job training programs. Good luck finding a school that will accept your French fry credits.

Michigan Woman Looks For Hit Man on Craigslist
A Michigan woman is accused of posting an ad on Craigslist for someone to kill the wife of a man she had met online and had had an affair with. She was arrested by an undercover FBI agent posing as a used futon for sale.

Woman backs over, kills man giving her directions
A Hillsborough County, Florida man was killed after a woman, who stopped to ask him for directions, accidentally backed over him. Oddly enough, he was a GPS salesman.

Cab driver cited for 33rd traffic violation
A Miami cab driver received his 33rd traffic citation after his car plunged 35-feet off an overpass. The charge was failing to signal before crashing.

Man charged with murder after wife's body found in freezer
A Georgia man has been charged with murder after his wife's body was found in a freezer. The man is claiming she was involved in a ménage à trios with Ben and Jerry.

Pot vending machines take root in LA
24-hour medical marijuana vending machines are springing up around Los Angeles. Good luck trying to keep the other junk food machines stocked.

Starbucks is closing 100 underperforming U.S. stores
Starbucks is closing 100 underperforming U.S. stores. That’s almost as many stores as it opens every five minutes.

“Don't Ask, Don't Tell” Turns 15
The “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” rule regarding gays in the military turned 15. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said after 15 years it’s still a “fabulous” policy.

AF general: Spy satellite could hit US
According to Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, a large spy satellite is expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March. Wouldn’t it be cheaper and safer to pay the paparazzi to take pictures of Osama bin Laden?

According to Air Force Gen. Gene Renuart, a large spy satellite is expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March – after it’s finished taping the final episode of “Celebrity Rehab.”

Star Jones' new show goes off the air
Star Jones' new show has been canceled. Viewers were stunned. Star Jones had a new show?

German travel agency to offer nudist flight
A German travel agency is going to start booking nudist flights. That’s one flight where you don’t want to see the super race to the restrooms.

A German travel agency is going to start booking nudist flights. They guarantee no stewardess will spill hot coffee on your lap.

Man views porn on nun's computer
A civilian State Police employee in Hamilton, New Jersey was accused of sneaking into a church to look at pornography on a nun's computer – another example of how looking at porno can become habit-forming.

Legally blind golfer, 92, gets first ace
In Clearwater, Florida, a 92-year-old legally blind golfer with macular degeneration scored his first hole-in-one in 60 years. He attributed it to widening his stance.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com