The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Mike Huckabee said a prayer for his prayer.

The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Barack Obama asked his lucky rabbit’s foot to believe.

It wasn’t the best night for Mitt Romney, although he’s now hoping the next primaries will make him the “Comeback Manager.”

Democrats are still divided over Clinton and Obama. At least that’s better than being divided over Hillary and Monica.

Mike Huckabee won the Republican presidential nominating race in West Virginia, thus justifying his “Possum in Every Pot” ad campaign.

Apparently, Obama supporters didn’t think female voters would be as excited about Hillary as Bill was about female voters.

The candidates are making adjustments as the campaign continues. For instance, Barack Obama has modified his slogan to read: “Change we can believe in – if more people get off their asses and vote.”

President Bush is ready to support the Republican presidential nominee. In fact, he’d even be willing to put a good word for the candidate with the Supreme Court.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama each got 6,001 votes in Syracuse in the state primary. Or as they call that in Florida: and overwhelming victory for George Bush.

Things aren’t looking good for Mitt Romney. In fact, he’s starting to receive late payment notices from himself.

Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. She could easily raise more money but refuses to let Bill set up a kissing booth.

Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. Her campaign staff has also offered to smear Barack Obama without pay.

Hillary Clinton has lent $5 million to her campaign. She was also seen on a street corner holding up a sign that read “Will triangulate for food.”

Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race. As is his policy, he wrote himself a memo thanking him for his dedicated service, then escorted himself out of his campaign headquarters.

John McCain has to figure out a way to get conservatives to like him. He might try breaking Jack Abramoff out of jail.

John McCain has to figure out a way to get conservatives to like him. He might start with finding Ann Coulter a date.

President Bush said “prosperity and peace” are at stake in the upcoming election. He’s right. If we elect Obama or Clinton, we may actually achieve them.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now competing for campaign dollars. In fact, yesterday I saw a volunteer soliciting an ATM machine.

According to a new AP poll, President Bush and Congress have reached all-time low approval ratings. In fact, if they get any lower Osama bin Laden may launch an exploratory committee.

China surgeon performs cataract operation on tiger cub
An eye surgeon in China has performed a cataract operation on tiger cub. It was a success. Yesterday, the cat passed its drivers test.

Quarter of Brits think Churchill was myth: poll
A quarter of people polled in Britain think Winston Churchill was a myth and a majority think Sherlock Holmes was real. This can only mean one thing: The American system of education is catching on.

Shark undergoing therapy after attack by bigger shark
A small shark that survived an attack from a bigger shark at Underwater Adventures Aquarium at the Mall of America is undergoing therapy. It’s also the fist time Dr. Phil has worked with a snorkel.

Paula Abdul says new album expected in summer
Paula Abdul says she’s working on a new album to be released in the summer. The title song is: “I will survive -- just barely.”

Scientists create “no tears” onions
Scientists in New Zealand and Japan have created a tear-free onion. They’re also working on a potato that will make you feel better about yourself.

Britney Spears' father takes over her affairs
While she is being hospitalized, Britney Spears' father has taken over her affairs. He’s now dating a bartender and a cell phone salesman.

Bob Knight resigns as Texas Tech coach
Bob Knight resigned as Texas Tech basketball coach. He said it was time to throw in the towel and throw out the chair.

Lawmaker wants to ban restaurants from serving to obese customers
A state lawmaker in Jackson, Mississippi has proposed banning restaurants from serving food to obese customers. Why not just require narrower restaurant doors?

Karl Rove to join Fox News Channel
Karl Rove is joining Fox News Channel as a political analyst. The staff welcomed him with a gift-wrapped box of false rumors.

Woman puts seatbelt on case of beer but not baby
A woman in St. Augustine, Florida was accused of drunk driving with a case of beer buckled up safely and a one-year-old girl sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt or car seat. She also was automatically inducted into the White Trash Hall of Fame.

Dutch unveil robot to fill car gas tank
Dutch inventors unveiled a car-fuelling robot. They said they got the idea while watching two robots mate.

Dutch inventors unveiled a car-fuelling robot. The only possible problem would be customers suing for sexual harassment.

CIA says used waterboarding on three suspects
The CIA has admitted waterboarding three suspects – four counting a secretary accused of stealing Post-it Notes.

Beatles guru Maharishi Mahesh Yogi dies
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the guru to the Beatles, died at 91-years old. His last words were: “Okay, I admit it. Yoko Ono is a bitch.”

Roger Clemens speaks under oath to Congress
Roger Clemens spoke under oath to congressional lawyers saying he did not use performance-enhancing drugs. He then apologized for accidentally breaking the microphone in half.

German convicted of sending penis photo by phone
A German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman through his cell phone. He was surprised by the verdict, saying, “I didn’t think the evidence would stand up in court.”

Paris Hilton talks about her acting coach
Paris Hilton raved to People magazine about her acting coach. That’s like President Bush raving about his speech coach.

Drunken Australian threatened city with TV remote
A drunken man in Canberra, Australia threatened to blow up the city with his TV remote control. Fortunately, he only changed it to BBC Two.

Britney Spears released from hospital
Britney Spears was released from the hospital. The staff wished her good luck and prepared her room for tomorrow’s emergency admission.

Toe-licking robber gets probation term
A man who robbed a woman, then licked her toes, was sentenced to five years' probation – one for each little piggy.

Macy's cutting about 2,300 jobs
Macy's is cutting about 2,300 jobs. You can tell who’s getting the ax. They’re the ones saying “How might I have helped you?”

Consumer confidence sinks even lower
According to the RBC Cash Index, consumer confidence last month was the worst since the index began in 2002. And for the first time ever, buying a pack of gum at Wal-Mart is considered a major investment.

Anti-impotence pill could boost high flying pilots
The Israeli military's official magazine reported an anti-impotence drug could help Israeli fighter pilots operate at high altitude. The only problem will be designing a larger cockpit.

Kirsten Dunst enters Rehab
Kirsten Dunst has entered rehab. She knew it was time to get some help when she kept seeing little Spidermen crawling all over her.

Saudi cops grab U.S. woman In Starbucks
An American businesswoman was arrested in Saudi Arabia for sitting with a male colleague at a Starbucks in Riyadh. And yet it’s legal to charge six bucks for a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com