This Week in Jokes – 6
Politics / Humor - Politics
Barack Obama won the Maine caucuses. Exit polling showed him doing very well with voters 34-67 and lobsters baked and broiled.
Hillary Clinton has replaced her campaign manager with longtime aide Maggie Williams. Williams’ new strategy is to focus less on cold and more on calculating.
Hillary Clinton has refused to release her tax returns until she wins the Democratic presidential nomination – or at least until Bill can find all his receipts form Hooters.
Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis. It was very emotional. They hugged and then Solis went to the hospital to be treated for ice burns.
Barack Obama won a Grammy. The question is: In a General Election, will he be able to beat a Grampy?
McNamee says he injected Clemens' wife
Brian McNamee, who claims to have injected Roger Clemens with steroids, says he also injected Clemens’ wife. It could be true. She once threw Roger out of the house at 98 MPH.
Heidi Fleiss arrested on drug charges
Former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss – who now runs a Laundromat – was arrested in Nevada for driving under the influence and possessing drugs without a prescription. On the bright side, she has now qualified to star in at least ten reality shows.
Gay Mormons seek meeting with new leader
A group of gay Mormons is seeking a meeting with the new church president. Good luck getting him to agree on multiple husbands.
Half of UK men would swap sex for 50 inch TV
According to a survey, almost half of British men and a third of British women would give up sex for six months in return for a 50-inch plasma TV. Although, they suspected the other 70 percent of women were lying when they said size didn’t matter.
Pat O'Brien Is back in rehab
Pat O'Brien, co-host of The Insider, Is back in rehab. It’s been rumored he was up to 10 bottles of hair dye a day.
Real estate agent finds dead owner in closet
A real estate agent showing a prospective buyer a house in England found the owner hanging dead in a closet. Apparently, it was a walk-in and a die-in closet.
Animal rights advocates oppose tribute to fried chicken
Animal rights advocates are opposing a measure that would make KFC's "finger lickin' good" chicken Kentucky's official picnic food. Others oppose it because it ignores KFC’s occasional "finger lickin' good" rodent.
Pelican may get off endangered list
The pelican may get off endangered list – just in time to be strafed by a Cheney hunting party.
Reaching 100 is easier than suspected
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. For men, it means making sure you never receive a lap dance by a woman over 275 pounds.
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. For women, it means making sure you never date a man with a snake tattoo on his forehead.
New research indicates living to 100 is easier than we might think. The hardest part is letting yourself in and out of the freezer every day.
UF rewrites taser policy following incident at Kerry speech
University of Florida police have changed their taser policy, restricting its use, due to the incident during a John Kerry speech. However, it can still be used on John Kerry.
Older population to more than double
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe the most popular phrase will be “I SAID, ‘DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?’”
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe 95 percent of the population will be living in Florida.
By 2050, the older U.S. population will more than double. By then, experts believe 135 will become the new 40.
