Political Shorts – 30
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Samantha Power, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and unpaid adviser to Barack Obama, resigned on Friday after calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth as demonstrated by the following comparison:
• Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist. Hillary Clinton was raised by an overbearing father.
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon was played by actor Ben Chapman (who recently died on February 21, 2008). Hillary Clinton is played by herself.
• Godzilla has appeared in 28 movies. Hillary Clinton has appeared in 20 presidential debates.
• Dracula sucked the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Hillary Clinton has sucked the innocence out of Barack Obama’s childhood.
• King Kong carried a woman to the top of the Empire State Building and then gently set her down. Who knows what Hillary Clinton did with most of Bill’s girl friends?
President Bush vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would’ve banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other interrogation techniques considered by most to be torture. Bush added, “In order for this administration to function, we must be able to torture both terrorists and the English language.”
A John McCain adviser said Karl Rove is now informally advising the campaign. McCain said it was purely coincidental that after their first meeting, the Senator remembered that one of his jailers in Vietnam was Hillary Clinton.
Iowa Republican congressman Steve King said Barack Obama’s middle name (Hussein) matters, after also saying Al-Qaida will be “dancing in the streets” if Obama wins. This is coming from a man with the same name as the guy who wrote “Tommyknockers,” “Creepshow,” and “Creepshow II.”
Bay State Bombast
Massachusetts Insurance Commissioner Nonnie Burnes announced car owners, who want to see if they can get a better deal under the state’s new competitive pricing system, may opt out of their existing insurance plans early -- as long as their nicknames aren’t “Crash,” “The Torch,” or “The Fence.”
Small Street Journal
It’s been reported that the FBI is investigating Countrywide Financial Corp. for securities fraud. It’s also been reported that Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo has just secured a 10- to 20-year adjustable rate mortgage with time off for good behavior.
Media Bites
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in Wyoming’s nominating caucus. It is also the first time a state population has been outnumbered by CNN production assistants.
Inside Scoop
A group of Democratic leaders was ready to beg Al Gore to run for president until they found out his real middle name is Osama bin Adoph.
Weekly Prediction
In a desperate attempt to secure the Jewish vote, Barack Obama will deliver a speech where he does nothing but complain about his health, his relatives, and the humidity.
