Political Shorts – 31
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Meg Whitman, eBay’s outgoing CFO, is going to co-chair John McCain’s national presidential campaign. Here are five fund-raising ideas she may not have considered:
• Highest bidder gets a Straight Talk Express steering column that keeps veering to the right.
• Top 10 bidders receive all-expense paid anything courtesy of Boeing.
• Top 25 bidders get to visit U.S. troops in Iraq any time during 2085.
• Top 50 bidders will spend a week with McCain’s mother at a fantasy shuffleboard camp.
• Top 100 bidders will receive a photo of McCain’s forehead on which is an image of the Virgin Mary.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been removed as “spiritual adviser” to the Barack Obama campaign. However, the campaign is in talks with a free agent spiritual advisor who has been clocked at 4.3 seconds in the 40-yard dash across water.
With the Pennsylvania Primary in mind, the Obama campaign is also entertaining thoughts of going with an Amish spiritual adviser.
In a speech to the Economic Club of New York about the failing economy, President Bush said “The challenge is not to do anything foolish.” He then pledged to do the opposite of everything he’s ever done.
Dick Cheney has left on a 10-day Mideast trip that includes stops in Oman, Saudi Arabia, and the Republic of Haliburton.
Bay State Bombast
A Boston police detective was arrested in Savannah, Ga. after being accused of dragging two women from their home and holding them against their will during a weekend St. Patrick’s Day celebration. A police union official immediately demanded the detective be paid double time for working an out-of-state detail.
Small Street Journal
The investment bank Bear Stearns Cos. was bailed out by rival JPMorgan Chase & Co. and the federal government, but with one condition: no more free calendars.
Media Bites
Tucker Carlson’s show on MSNBC has been cancelled. He was one of many political commentators claiming to have invented the phrases: “This could go right down to the wire.” and “Can anybody beat Hillary?”
Inside Scoop
According to Emperor's Club rules, if Eliot Spitzer had three more liaisons, the next one would’ve been on the house. If he had five more liaisons, he would’ve received a complimentary Emperor's Club tote bag.
Weekly Prediction
Hillary Clinton will announce: “As far as I know, the English translation of Barack Hussein Obama is not Huey Newton.”
