But Spike jests, of course. Cleveland is a lovely city...despite the flammable river running through the middle of it.

There are a few possible dynamics going on here. One may be simply that Shaun is not as sure of the relationship as you are (in fact he may be planning his escape to greener pastures...like say, Pittsburgh...right now). Maybe he’s just growing tired of you with your practical financial ways and sensible shoes (Spike is making a guess on that one) and wants to have an easy out that won’t require lawyers when he drops the bomb. If that’s the issue then it would certainly behoove you to address it sooner than later since you don’t want to go through all the expense of buying a house only to have him tell you, “Oh, by the way, I rented an apartment for myself and I want you to buy my half of the house” on moving day.

Or it could be, as you say, that Shaun just wants to maintain his independence. Some people just don’t like to be tied down. The thought of owning any larger than a car (which comes in handy for quick getaways) is suffocating and even depressing for them. Of course independence is really an illusion since most of us are tied down to some extent by our connections to family and friends, our jobs, etc..., but that illusion is more important for some people in order to maintain a feeling of well being. Once one owns a home that illusion quickly disappears because one is clearly no longer part of the nomadic tribe.

Spike can certainly see the issue from both of your sides. For most of his adult life Spike has owned. Like you, he feels more comfortable knowing that his home belongs to him, and he likes knowing that his monthly payments are helping him build equity that he can use in case of an emergency. And Spike is unquestionably house proud. He enjoys looking after his property and shaping it to be a reflection of his personality. It helps him feel whole. Plus the tax break is nothing to sneeze at.

But for a year prior to buying his current abode Spike rented and he found the experience quite liberating. Aside from paying the rent and utilities he had no responsibilities for the property. If a pipe burst or the heat died he just called the landlord and it was magically fixed. And there was a great sense of freedom in knowing that if he so chose he could leave at the end of his lease without having to sell the property first. It was also nice having enough money in the bank to buy a Porsche (should he suddenly feel his penis was too small) rather than having the equity tied up in a down payment.

But ultimately Spike chose to go back to ownership because he found it more satisfying.

You need to evaluate the potential emotional damage before making a decision. Will you feel so untethered if you continue to rent that you’ll eventually become resentful toward Shaun? Will he feel so trapped by ownership that he’ll eventually become resentful toward you? Ultimately the future of your relationship could be in the balance if you can’t honestly answer those questions first.

One option that might satisfy you both would be to buy a vacation home but continue to rent where you live. You’d lose out on the tax break since it wouldn’t be your primary residence (because Spike would NEVER advocate trying to fool the IRS), but at least you’d be building some equity which seems to be one of your concerns. And the idea of owning a getaway retreat might not be as intimidating to Shaun. In fact, over time he might grow to like the feeling of ownership and decide he wants to buy a primary home as well.

In the meantime Spike suggests exposing Shaun to steady doses of “House Hunters.” If that perky Suzanne Whang can’t warm him up to the idea of home ownership then no one can.

Whatever you decide keep in mind that both of you should make some compromises. If you continue renting then Shaun should agree to let you take him to open houses one Sunday every month, just so you can still enjoy the fun of searching for a house. And if you buy then you should let Shaun sleep around one Sunday of every month just so he can maintain a sense of freedom...KIDDING!

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.