But Spike jests, of course, because he has nothing but the utmost respect for Mr. Savage. Besides, Spike suspects that what you were really asking is how Spike would compare our advice columns.

Well, to use a sports metaphor (since you’re a dyke and Spike wants to make sure you’ll understand), if Dan Savage and Spike were both wrestlers, Savage would be an Olympic wrestler, whereas Spike would be a professional wrestler (one of the hot ones like Edge or The Rock, not an over-pumped beastie like Triple H). Both require great skill, but one has a more serious intention while the other is primarily about entertainment. In fact Spike has trademarked a new word for what he does: Advi-tainment (not to be confused with AdvO-tainment, which is practicing law primarily for the cameras...like Gloria Allred).

Now that’s not to say that Dan Savage isn’t entertaining or that Spike doesn’t occasionally offer some sound advice. In fact Spike finds Savage quite droll at times, and Spike’s fans think that Spike’s advice is often quite thoughtful. And if you don’t believe Spike, go ahead and ask them...BOTH of them. But “Savage Love” tackles questions that are well outside Spike’s domain.

Need advice on the proper etiquette for ending a dominant-submissive arrangement with a woman who isn’t relationship material because you’ve met a woman who is (the actual lead question in the latest “Savage Love”)? Write to Dan Savage. Need to be mocked because you’re a wuss who can’t handle a little stress in your life? Write to Spike. Need information on the health risks of oral sex? Write to Dan Savage. Need information on the socio-political subtext of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer?” Write to Spike. You get the picture.

There are other differences in our columns, as well. Savage has a team of experts at his beck and call to deal with questions that are outside his own realm of expertise. Spike’s experts are usually the guys sitting on either side of his bar stool. Savage refers to himself only in the first person, a practice that gives the quaint illusion that he’s on the same level as his readers. Spike would never attempt such false humility. Savage’s readers sign their questions with names that render cute little acronyms when you put the first letter of each word together. Spike’s readers can barely spell their own names.

To sum up, Dan Savage is the standard to which all of we lesser gay advice columnists strive (and believe it or not, we are legion)...because he actually makes a living at it. He’s broken out of the ghetto and become a mainstream star by dispensing well reasoned, informed, morally sound advice and social commentary across all media. When Spike grows up he wants to be Dan Savage (minus the thin lips and the kid).

All that said, the next time Bill Maher (or anyone else) is looking to add a little gay perspective to his show, how about giving Spike a call? Not that Savage and Andrew (I-sound-like-Madonna) Sullivan aren’t fascinating guests, but are they really giving the most accurate representation of gay men in America? One guy who’s been in a monogamous relationship for 20 years and has a kid, and the other a conservative Republican who supported George W. throughout his first term? Spike thinks not. If you really want a representative of the average gay man how about giving the slutty, chainsmoking alcoholic a shot? Now THAT would be entertaining!

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.