Urban Cowpie
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m 30-year-old gay man. I work as an executive assistant for a very successful investment banker. He’s in his early fifties, married with 3 kids, etc... I love him to death (in a platonic way). He’s smart, considerate, and kind. I can’t imagine a better boss.
We’ve always had a great relationship at work, and over time we’ve developed a friendship as well. He knows I’m gay and he’s always asking me for advice on his clothes and hair and stuff. In fact we go on shopping trips together at the beginning of each season so I can help him pick out his wardrobe.
I always try to be honest about his clothing choices, but there’s one thing I can’t quite bring myself to tell him. He always wears this horrible safari-cowboy hat and an oil cloth longrider coat over his suits. He looks like he just stepped out of a bad made-for-TV Australian cowboy movie. I think it makes him look like a total tool, but I don’t have the heart to tell him since he seems to think it makes him look really cool.
Should I tell him? And what makes an otherwise-intelligent guy wear something like that?
Seth, Manhattan, New York
Dear Seth — Gee, you’re a 30-year-old gay executive assistant who gives his boss style advice and helps him shop for clothes. Way to buck the stereotype, Seth!
Spike thinks that maybe you’re underestimating the practicality of your boss’ sartorial choices, Mr. Fancy Pants. After all, what could be more appropriate than a wide-brimmed hat and long coat for rounding up all those doodles down at the dog park, crossing the great expanses of the Upper West Side in your covered Hummer, or lassoing a free-range rotisserie chicken at Balducci’s? Rather than criticizing, maybe it’s time you got into the spirit of the whole thing and adopted your own westerny side-kick look. You could knock out a few teeth and grow your beard long and be the cantankerous-but-lovable “Cookie” who mans the Chuck Wagon. Or don a pair of butt-less suede pants with fringe down the sides (you know, the ones you usually save for Saturday nights down at the Manhole?) and be “Big Chief Ass-Kisser.” Or maybe a hoop skirt, bustier and some rouge to become “Kitty,” the town madame with the heart of gold. The possibilities are endless.
But Spike jests, of course. He knows only too well the scourge of which you speak (and for any readers who aren’t sure, check out http://www.hartfordyork.com/category/safari-hats), and unfortunately it’s not confined to the island of Manhattan. Wherever there are middle-aged, well heeled, white-collar men, you’ll find the “Urban Adventurer.” It’s the look that says, “Yes, I’m rich and successful, but I’ve still maintained my hearty pioneer spirit...which I’ll show you right after I finish my double non-fat latte.”
To answer your second question first, (what makes an otherwise-intelligent guy wear something like that?), Spike suspects the answer is usually the wife. Spike has a theory that many wives of successful men con their husbands into wearing these get-ups by telling them it makes them look rugged and dangerous. In reality, it’s the equivalent of branding a steer to discourage rustlers. In essence, when a woman sends a man out of the street looking like that, she’s not only telling other women that he’s already taken, she’s also telling them that she’s got him so whipped that she can get him to dress up like Penelope Cruz in "Bandidas" (during summers in the Hamptons madras pants serve the same purpose), so stay away.
So what should you do about it? Nothing.
First of all, the situation you’re in right now sounds pretty sweet. You have a great relationship with your boss and you don’t want to screw it up by making him angry or hurting his feelings. Besides, on some level he probably already knows. He probably looks at his friends and neighbors heading off to work each morning in identical outfits and mutters contemptuously to himself, “Gee, someone must have robbed the bank cuz this posse is awful big.”
More importantly, you don’t want to piss off his wife. If, in fact, she is the one responsible for his unfortunate outer gear, the last thing you want to do is turn her into an enemy by having him go home and tell her you said it made him look stupid. Chances are one of the reasons you have your job is because his wife thought it would be much safer having some harmless little gay boy assisting her husband rather than a conniving, big-breasted blond who fancies herself the next Mrs. Boss. If you turn the missus against you, you may as well get the hell out of Dodge now.
Besides, in the big scheme of things, what does it really matter? Yeah, he may look stupid, but so what (unless you and the other gay-boy executive assistants are having some kind of big-money “Best Dressed Boss” competition)? He’s still a good guy and good boss. And it could be much worse. He could be a chunky 40-something stuffed into a pair of girl’s Juicy Couture jeans and a “Panic at the Disco” mini T. How’d you like to look at THAT every day?
So Spike suggests you just keep quiet...unless he asks you directly, and in that case you’ll just need to use a little diplomacy. Rather than saying, “I think your hat and coat look stupid,” say something like, “I think they look really good on you, but you know what I think would look GREAT?” or “I really like them, but I was just reading an article in some magazine that said that look might be getting a tad dated.” Sure it’s not honest, but at least you’ll keep your job and you might be able to get your little cowpoke off the range.
So now that we’ve solved that fashion crisis, let’s deal with one of Spike’s pet peeves: Ladies, enough with the colorful floppy hats with the rolled brims! They didn’t look good on the Queen Mum, they didn’t look good on Annie Hall, and they don’t look good on you. You may think they’re saying, “I’m quirky and unique and have an independent spirit,” but all Spike is hearing is, “I’m precious and have no fashion sense and every relationship I’ve ever been is has ended badly because I’m so fucking annoying!”
Phew! Spike feels so much better for having gotten that off his chest.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
