Political Shorts – 34
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite allegations of fatal shootings of civilians and tax violations, the State Department has renewed Blackwater USA’s multimillion-dollar contract to protect diplomats in Baghdad. However, Blackwater, which has received almost $1.25 billion in federal contracts since 2000, must adhere to the following conditions:
• During training sessions, Blackwater cannot invade West Virginia.• All Blackwater human resource personnel must follow the Geneva Conventions when interviewing persons for secretarial help.
• Each Blackwater employee must partake in a yearly comprehensive three-second review of the United States Constitution.
• No waterboarding USO entertainers.
• Monthly status reports must be printed on index cards (until George Bush leaves office).
According to just-released records, Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton have made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. And that’s not including money for Hillary’s upcoming book, “It Takes a Gated Village.”
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has formed a presidential exploratory committee and may seek the Libertarian party nomination. Possible campaign slogans include: “I’m not joking. I’m really running for president.”
John McCain said he would not underestimate the severity of the U.S. economic crisis -- after he used half of his wife’s fortune to fill up the Straight Talk Express.
Bay State Bombast
The Massachusetts state Senate approved a bill that would allow teachers who fail the certification test three times to receive a waiver and teach. Supporters of the bill claim the test doesn’t accurately evaluate a teacher’s skills. Perhaps there could be a new test in which a sample question would be:
Two trains leave from Boston. One is going to Chicago at 50 mph and the other to Cleveland at 75 mph. What is your middle name?
Gov. Deval Patrick claimed in his book proposal -- which landed him a $1.35m book deal -- he filled Boston Common with 10,000 people. It turns out most people came to see Barack Obama. Here are a few other claims in Patrick’s proposal:
• In 1963, thousands of people trekked to Washington, D.C. hoping to catch a glimpse of 6-year-old Deval Patrick watching Martin Luther King deliver his “I Have a Dream” speech.• In 1969, almost a half a million people spent a weekend at Woodstock watching 12-year-old Deval Patrick witness one of the greatest moments in rock and roll.
• Each day, people line up behind Patrick to watch him buy his coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.
Small Street Journal
Rifle manufacturer, Henry Repeating Arms, asked gun dealers to make extra safety inspections after discovering it had accidentally shipped four guns loaded with live ammunition. It also reaffirmed its Second Amendment right to blow a customer’s head off.
Media Bites
Oprah interviewed a transgender man who is six months pregnant. She later dedicated the show to Jerry Springer.
Inside Scoop
A man has been hired to give John McCain a mild electrical shock each time he says the words “young whippersnapper.”
Weekly Prediction
A video will turn up on YouTube showing Barack Obama in a synagogue listening to a rabbi say, “And don’t get me started with the goyim!”
