Political Shorts – 35
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton and John McCain have branded Barack Obama an elitist for saying that small-town voters in economically distressed areas are “bitter.” Obama must take immediate steps to show he’s a regular guy. Here are some suggestions:
• Pledge to appoint a Secretary of NASCAR.• Be videotaped at a firing range shooting at bottles of Gray Poupon.
• Pledge to use his position as ex-president to eventually earn $109 million in about eight years.
• Announce he’s started smoking again and is up to three packs of Camels a day.
• Dump his wife and marry a woman who is both babe-a-licious and heiress to a beer distributorship fortune.
The New York Times reports that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding a job. In fact, he’s so desperate he’s placed an ad on Monster.com reading, “Will say ‘I don’t remember' for food.”
John McCain outlined his plans to ease the burden on struggling American homeowners. The plan is very simple: If you no longer own a home, you won’t be struggling.
It’s been reported that Hillary Clinton is starting to lose the support of white women in Pennsylvania. However, she’s still polling strongly with white women who have mistakenly claimed to have taken sniper fire.
Bay State Bombast
Disgraced former House Speaker Thomas Finneran, who pleaded guilty in January 2007 to federal obstruction of justice charges and is currently a radio talk show host on Boston's WRKO, has registered as a Beacon Hill lobbyist. He recently signed his first client: the National Association of Chutzpah.
Small Street Journal
American Airlines received clearance from federal aviation officials to return all of its 300 grounded jets to service. However, it has changed it’s slogan from “Something special in the air” to “Are you feeling lucky?”
Media Bites
It’s been reported that CBS is considering outsourcing some of its news-gathering operations to CNN. In a related story, Fox News is considering outsourcing some of its news-gathering operations to an old woman with a ouija board.
Inside Scoop
At the very least, Jimmy Carter hopes to convince Hamas to switch from suicide vests to suicide cardigan sweaters.
Weekly Prediction
In order to nail down the Pennsylvania youth and Amish vote, Hillary Clinton will claim that as a teenager she used to drag-race her parent’s horse-drawn carriage.
