Political Shorts – 37
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Heading into the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Barack Obama said, “There's no doubt that a campaign has to continually fine-tune itself.” Here are some suggestions that may help push him over the top:
• At the very least, wear a Reverend Wright “God Damn American” lapel flag.• Forget the debates; challenge Hillary Clinton to a drinking contest.
• Every new campaign ad must contain at least one Monica Lewinsky subliminal message.
• Reach out to the working class. Propose a law that says “Jeopardy” cannot be harder to play than “Wheel of Fortune.”
• End every speech with “…and if they don’t like it, they should go back to where they came from!”
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. Obama said, “I’d love to but my stove pipe hat is at the cleaners.”
The Washington Post reports that President Bush’s plan to contract federal jobs to the private sector has fallen short. However, Wal-Mart is still accepting part-time applications for Secretary of Interior.
John McCain visited New Orleans and said “Never again, never again, will a disaster of this nature be handled in the disgraceful way it was handled” -- despite his opposition to emergency assistance to the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina. He added, “There’s got to be a better disgraceful way to handle it.”
Bay State Bombast
The Boston Globe reports that a group of professional ticket brokers paid House Speaker Sal DiMasi’s accountant Richard Vitale -- who also gave DiMasi a $250,000 third mortgage at a very favorable rate -- to help convince the Speaker to pass a bill that loosened regulations on the ticket resale business. Last minute amendments to the law also:
• Made it illegal to bet when another story about DiMasi and influence peddling becomes public.• Made it a crime to resell a Red Sox ticket to a tall person if that person will be sitting in front of Speaker DiMasi.
• Made it legal for citizens to use the State House freight elevator when carrying satchels of cash up to the Speaker’s office.
• Entitled Speaker DiMasi to a share of any income earned from scalping tickets to his fundraisers.
• Allowed the Speaker and 25 lobbyists to attend at least one free performance of “Riverdance” each year.
According to an investigation by city officials, workers and supervisors in Boston’s Department of Public Works routinely left the job early and failed to perform tasks such as filling potholes. A city spokesman said, “This is an insult to every worker who spends eight hours a day sleeping in his truck.”
An independent inspection of the Longfellow Bridge indicated the span is in worse condition than the state had previously determined. A spokesman for Boston’s Department of Public Works said, “Don’t worry, we’ll send somebody over by June, 2017.”
Small Street Journal
President Bush said the tax rebates going out on Monday should help boost the economy. As proof, he indicated homeless shelters and food pantries are growing at a record pace.
Media Bites
A TV ad, critical of Barack Obama, produced by North Carolina Republican leaders is creating dissension within party ranks. Some say it’s fair show a clip of Obama with his former pastor, Jeremiah Wright. Other’s say special effects should be used to include Osama bin Laden, Willy Horton, and Jeffrey Dahmer.
Inside Scoop
Although John McCain’s wife publicly supports her husband’s presidential candidacy, whenever he flies on her corporate plane, she charges him for drinks and headphones.
Weekly Prediction
Hillary Clinton will give up her claim to Michigan and Florida votes but will assert that each overweight working class vote should be worth at least 1.5.
