Three's a Crowd?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m an attractive single woman in my early-50s. I’ve tried my hand at relationships but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me, and I’ve finally decided to stop looking. My life is very full and satisfying as it is and I’ve reached the point where I realize I don’t need a man to make me happy. Still, sometimes a gal gets a little “lonely,” so occasionally I’ll go searching online for a guy who might be looking for some company for the evening.
About 5 weeks ago I found an ad from a married couple looking for another woman for “occasional, no-strings, casual encounters.” I’ve never had any interest in other women, but the idea intrigued me, so I responded and we set up a time to meet the following Wednesday night.
“Bill and Susan” and I met in the lobby bar of a nearby hotel and we immediately hit it off. They’re both in their mid-40s, both professionals like myself, have 2 teenage girls, and they’ve been together for 22 years. Despite my nervousness, their warmth immediately put me at ease and I had a wonderful time getting to know them. In fact they’re exactly the sort of people I would want to have as friends: intelligent, thoughtful, and kind, with many varied interests.
Anyway, as the evening went on it became clear that the attraction was mutual and we ended up renting a room. I won’t go into detail about exacty what happened, but it was extremely exciting for me, and “Bill and Susan” apparently enjoyed it as well since they emailed me the next day to see if I was available the following Wednesday (as I found out, their daughters both play basketball and usually have away games on Wednesday nights).
We got together again the next Wednesday and the one after that and both times it was wonderful. It seemed like I’d finally found a situation which really suited my needs: steady sex with partners whose company I enjoyed, without all the complexity of a relationship.
But then suddenly I stopped hearing from them. The Friday after our last encounter I sent “Susan” an email to see if they wanted to meet the following week for our regular Wednesday night get-together and she never responded. I sent her another email that Monday but still no response. It’s now been almost two weeks and I haven’t heard a word from them.
Needless to say I feel quite hurt by their sudden decision to apparently end our relationship. At the very least I’d like to talk to them to see if I did something wrong. As I said, they’re exactly the sort of people I’d like to have as friends, and even if sex isn’t part of the equation I’d still love to get together with them socially.
I’d give them a call but to be honest I don’t have a phone number or even a last name. I’m not even sure if “Bill and Susan” are their real first names. Part of their initial request was that all communications be handled by email. And all of our trysts took place at the hotel. What do you think, Spike? Should I continue emailing or should I just let it go? This was a completely new situation for me and I’m not quite sure of the proper etiquette.
— Alice, Wellesley, MA
Dear Alice — You dirty slut you! Trolling the internet for hook-ups? With a man AND a woman at that? And you, a 54-year-old professional woman from WELLESLEY! You naughty, naughty lady! Spike thinks he may just have found a new best friend (not literally, Alice, so don’t start stalking him with emails).
But seriously, Alice, what part of “occasional, no-strings, casual encounters” didn’t you understand?
“Occasional” means once in a while, not every week (and way to kill the illicit thrill for “Bill and Susan” by emailing about your “regular Wednesday night get-together.” Yeah, that sounds sexy...like a bridge club or quilting bee.). “No-strings” means no commitment, as in “this will continue at our mutual discretion only so long as BOTH sides want.” And “casual” means informal: no rules, no expectations.
You need to look at the facts here, Alice. You are/were “Bill’s and Susan’s” fling. You weren’t their lover or their new best friend. It seems to Spike that they made that very clear both in their ad and by the fact that they insisted all communication happen only by email. They wanted very clear boundaries between what happened in that hotel room and the rest of their life. If they’d wanted more from you they would have invited you over for dinner and introduced you to the kids. But they didn’t.
Spike understands your hurt feelings, but you really have only yourself to blame. You entered into something without really understanding (or accepting) the rules. You make that clear when you say they decided “to apparently end our relationship.” You didn’t have a relationship. You had a mutually advantageous arrangement. You also talk about wanting friendship with “Bill and Susan.” While I’m sure they think you’re a lovely person, they weren’t looking for a friend. They just wanted someone to spice up their sex life for a while. It seems to Spike that you developed a crush of sorts on your playmates and wanted to take things to a more committed level. You said you're unsure about the etiquette for these types of arrangements. Well, the primary etiquette is that you don’t try to change the rules once you’ve agreed to them, and that’s what you wanted to do. “Bill and Susan” may have sensed that and that’s what precipitated their sudden communication break.
On the other hand, maybe they just got busy with real life. Maybe they took the kids to Disneyland for a week. Or maybe “Bill’s” mother suffered an aneurysm and they’ve been too busy shuttling back and forth to the hospital for a hotel quickie. Or maybe they spent last Wednesday working on their taxes. Who knows? There are thousands of legitimate reasons why they may not have contacted you.
Of course three nights of clandestine naughtiness with you may just have been enough to scratch the itch they were feeling and now they’re ready to close that chapter of their lives.
Now, would it be polite for “Bill and Susan” to respond to your email and tell you that they’re no longer interested in getting together if that’s the case? Sure, but that’s kind of like breaking up, isn’t it? And the whole point of this for them (and for you, so you claim) was to avoid all that kind of relationship stuff. They just wanted to have some fun, and sending a “Dear John” email isn’t fun.
So Spike sees two options for you. If you can’t deal with a truly “occasional, no-strings, casual” arrangement then you should just let the whole thing go. Be thankful for the fun you had but move on to something better suited to your own sensibilities. If, however, you think you COULD honestly be in a casual arrangement with “Bill and Susan” without wanting more, then send them one more email saying, “Hey guys. I hope you’re well. If you ever feel like getting together again you know how to reach me. Alice.” That will indicate clearly that you’re still willing to play while not presuming any sort of friendship or commitment.
Spike, however, suspects that you’re not really cut out for being anyone’s occasional play thing and should just move on. Despite your assertion that you’ve given up on relationships and have a full and satisfying life on your own, Spike thinks you still feel a strong need for emotional connection. How else to explain you latching onto “Bill and Susan” like Carnie Wilson onto the latest weight-loss surgery?
Spike applauds your adventurousness and willingness to experiment, Alice, but ask yourself this question: Which Oscar-winning actress do you feel is most your kindred spirit? Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench, or Tilda Swinton? Ha! That was a trick question, because if you were really ready for an arrangement devoid of any emotional connection you would have said, “Nicole Kidman.”
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
