Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Top five things superdelegates are telling Hillary Clinton when switching support to Barack Obama:

• It’s an interesting theory but I still think Obama can win without the Ku Klux Klan vote.

• Barack Obama will never agree to a steel-cage death match.

• My advisors assure me there’s no way you’ll be able to count votes from Ontario.

• That flaming bag of dog poop on my front step was not enough to convince me.

• It was nice that your husband could stop by but my secretary is still missing.

Barack Obama said on Thursday he has not ruled out selecting Hillary Clinton as his vice presidential running mate. He also has not ruled out Mike Gravel as his Ambassador to Mars.

Records show that Rev. Al Sharpton and his business entities owe nearly $1.5 million in overdue taxes and associated penalties. On the plus side, he’s entitled to 10 free one-size-fits-all tank tops from “Velour Sweat Suits R Us.”

Bay State Bombast
Governor Deval Patrick hasn’t given up on his legislation to legalize casino gambling in Massachusetts. He didn’t say where the casinos would be located, but Tony Orlando and Dawn recently announced they’ve been booked at Plimoth Plantation.

Newton Mayor David Cohen, whose plan to renovate one of the city’s high schools started at $40 million and has now reached almost $200 million, asked for a 28 percent raise, and then decided not to run for re-election. However, he may retire with a disability after a routine medical examination turned up massive amounts of nerve.

Massachusetts lawmakers desperate for additional revenue are considering taxing the endowments of rich private colleges. If passed, the law will also require police details on location whenever a freshman loses his or her virginity.

Four hundred pound New England Mafia underboss Carmen “The Cheeseman” DiNunzio, currently being held in jail for bribing an undercover FBI agent, complained that his prison toilet is too small. His cellmate also complained of not being able to inhale for the past two weeks.

Small Street Journal
The price of first-class postage rises one penny to 42 cents on May 12, meaning it will now cost more to send a letter complaining about the rising cost of gas.

Media Bites
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp dropped its $580 million bid for Tribune Co’s Newsday newspaper. Murdoch then laid off 10,000 employees just to prove to himself that he wasn’t losing his touch.

Inside Scoop
John Edwards came within seconds of endorsing a presidential candidate before he was distracted by the reflection of himself in a mirror.

Weekly Prediction
New York Rep. Vito Fossella will be forced to resign when a video of him bitch slapping his love child’s soccer coach turns up on YouTube.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:06 PM

Humor

Possible captions
• I’ll explain this one more time; sushi is a sliced raw fish.

• No, Saddam Hussein did not give Michelle away at our wedding.

• Let me get this straight: If I get my bowling score up to 250, you’ll vote for me?

• And the farmer says to the salesman, “No, I don’t have any Grey Poupon but you can sleep with my daughter.”

• It was during the Irish Potato Famine that my Great Great Grandfather Padraig O’Bama brought his family to America.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:00 AM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.

• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.

• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.

• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.

• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.

• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.

President Bush revealed the real reason he’s asking for $70 billion for the Iraq and Afghan wars: “If I put this on my government credit card, I’ll get 5,000,000,000 frequent flyer miles."

Bay State Bombast
The incredible shrinking Mass GOP is contesting only 29 percent of the 200 state legislative seats in November. At the very least, a new party slogan is in order. Here are some suggestions:

• Massachusetts GOP: The party that believes size doesn’t matter.

• Admit it. You were just as blown away by Mitt Romney’s hair and teeth as we were.

• Hey, at least we’re beating the Green Party.

• That spaced-out guy on “Taxi.” was Jim “Ignatowski” not “Ogonowski.”

• Together we can field a baseball team.

The state Department of Public Utilities approved a program that allows NStar to sell customers half or all of their electricity from wind farms in Maine and upstate New York. All that will be required from each customer is a 400-mile extension cord.

Mass. Media Bites -- Ever notice that, aside from Jon Keller’s commentaries, the local Boston TV stations are devoid of any local political news? In fact, all local TV news can now be summarized in three statements:

• He was a wonderful neighbor. I had no idea he was a serial killer.

• I think the team is going all the way. Go Sox!

• If you look behind me, you can see these powerful hurricane winds carrying my mother-in-law and her house out to sea.

Media Bites
Barbara Walters admits in her new memoir that she had an affair with U.S. Senator Edward Brooke in the 1970s. When he heard about it, Ted Kennedy called her and said, “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve fit you in between a stewardess and an intern.”

Inside Scoop
After catching flack for saying the bridge collapse in Minnesota that killed 13 people last year was caused by pork-barrel spending, John McCain decided not to blame out-of-control entitlement spending for his constant trips to the bathroom at night.

Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will surge ahead in the polls after it’s revealed his great great great grandfather on his mother’s side died after getting laid off from his job, becoming an alcoholic, contracting an unknown disease after being baptized in a polluted stream, and accidentally shooting himself in a hunting accident.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:43 AM