Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I’m a gay dude whose 23. I hang with a group of really close freindz when I go out to clubz and stuff, but its always really competitive cuz we’re all really hot and everyones always trying to cock-block everyone else.

There’s this other gay guy I work with named Roberto. He’s a good guy and pretty funny. I wouldn’t take him out with my other friendz cuz I don’t think he’d fit in, but I started hanging out with him for drinks. I figured he’d be a really good wing man cuz he’s not that cute and kind of chubby so he wouldn’t compete with me, plus he’s willing to go up to anyone and start a conversation. I figured I could use him to meet hot guys (tho I really like hanging out with him, too, so it’s not like I’m totaly using him).

The problem is that he doesn’t get the hint when it’s time to leave. We’ll be talking to some guy and after a few minutes when it’s obvious the other dude is into me I’ll start giving Roberto looks so he knows he can leave but he just doesn’t get it. One time I even gave him money and asked him to get me another drink, then moved to the corner of the room with the other guy so he wouldn’t find us but a few minutes later he found us anyway. It was pretty embarrassing for me cuz the other dude got pissed and left.

Like I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I need a tacfull way to tell him that he should leave when I give him the signal. What should I do?

—Brandon, South End

Dear Brandon — You know, usually Spike makes an effort to correct the spelling and grammar of the letters he receives so as to show his readers in their best light. But in your case, Spike decided you don’t have a best light, so he published your letter unedited in order to show the rest of the world what a fucking tool you are.

And how much of a tool are you? Let Spike count the ways:

1) You use the word “dude.” Are you a surfer? Did you grow up in Orange County or Venice Beach? Spike didn’t think so. “Dude” is funny in those Bud Light commercials. When you use it, it just comes off as a desperate attempt to sound cool.

2) You’re not Prince: learn to spell correctly. Using Z’s instead of S’s and abbreviating words like “because” isn’t cute, it isn’t clever, and it doesn’t make you hip. It’s just annoying. Grow up! You’re 23 years old. It’s time to start communicating like an adult.

3) Anyone who proclaims himself hot is automatically not, because arrogance and conceit are NOT hot. Yes, you can say your “freindz” are hot, but not yourself because that just makes you a conceited asshole.

4) If you spend all of your time cock-blocking each another (that means trying to keep one another from getting laid, for those of you from Idaho), maybe you need to reconsider your definition of “really close freindz.” Sure, an occasional cock-block can be amusing, but real friends are willing to put the interests of their friends ahead of their own sometimes. You’re just a bunch of insecure fags trying to prove that you’re attractive by playing games with unsuspecting victims.

5) You’re not “totaly using” Roberto? Let’s see: you hang out with him because he’s willing to start conversations with guys you want to hit on, you chose him because you don’t think he’s attractive enough to steal those guys away from you, and as soon as he’s done your bidding you want him to just disappear with no concern about what he’s supposed to do for the rest of the night. Hmmmm....sure sounds like using to Spike. What exactly does Roberto get out of this arrangement? The privilege of hanging out with a “hot” guy like you and maybe feeding on your scraps?

6) You were embarrassed because Roberto found you and your potential trick got pissed. How do you think Roberto would have felt if he’d realized you tried to ditch him? Does it even occur to you that Roberto is a human being and that he has feelings? Spike knows how hard a concept that can be to grasp—especially when you’re talking about chubby, unattractive people—but guess what? He actually has feelings just like you! And he probably even feels things more deeply because he’s not always busy admiring his own reflection in shiny objects and wondering what other people are thinking about him.

Spike could go on and on but he’s afraid you can’t count higher than six (which you probably tell everyone is actually 8.5 anyway). You want some advice? Leave poor Roberto alone. Tell him you’re a self-centered asshole and that you think it would be better for him if you didn’t hang out together anymore. No, seriously, do it! In fact Spike thinks you should get t-shirts made up that say, “I’m a self-centered asshole” for you and all your “really close freindz.” On second thought, don’t. Spike suspects you’d actually take pride in that, like those spoiled teenage girls who wear shirts that say things like, “As a matter of fact the world does revolve around me” or “I don’t understand the whole ‘no’ thing.” Besides, once they get beyond the initial dazzle of your collective hotness, Spike is pretty sure most people will figure it out.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 01:31 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain’s campaign released over a thousand pages of his medical records that show the Senator to be in good health. His records also turned up some other interesting medical information:

Page 47: Since 1980, McCain has been treated unsuccessfully for a condition that causes him to change political positions every time he blinks.

Page 178: John McCain is intermittently allergic and attracted to President Bush.

Page 249: The Senator suffers form a binge-purge syndrome that causes him to embrace wacky evangelical ministers when courting conservative voters and then drop them when the mainstream media starts paying attention.

Page 554: McCain threatened to stab a male nurse with a tongue depressor after it was suggested the Senator sign up for an anger management workshop.

Page 1045: McCain has an almost unhealthy dependence on lobbyists.

While campaigning in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that the proudest moment in her father’s life was when he joined the Sharks.

According to her recently-released tax returns, Cindy McCain had a total income of more than $6 million in 2006 -- most of which she earned from her one-woman show, “My Life as a Stepford Wife.”

Bay State Bombast
The wives of Massachusetts House Speaker Sal DiMasi and his close -- some would say too close -- buddy, developer Jay Cashman are teaming up to produce and star in a New England Cable News show called “Open Book Club.” Each month, Debbie DiMasi and Christy Scott Cashman gather in Cashman’s sumptuous Back Bay home to discuss a book with its author and other guests. Here are some suggested titles for future shows:

• How Green Was My Wallet -- A poor family from Southie gives their life’s savings to Sal DiMasi’s plumber who claims to be a political “strategist.” The man then runs off and opens a scratch ticket parlor inside a Keno parlor.

• Rebecca of Sunnybrook Wind Farm -- A charming young girl becomes rich by convincing Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard residents to wear propeller hats.

• The Last of the Mohican Casinos -- Sal DiMasi leads his legislature on a mission to drive Native American-run slot machines out of Suffolk Downs racetrack.

• War and Piece of the Action -- Palace advisor Vladimir DiMasioff convinces Czar Nicholas II to outfit his army with paper mittens sold by a traveling peddler named Jacob Cashman.

• Lady Chatterley's Lobbyist -- A young married woman can only be sexually satisfied while on golf junkets.

Other books to be considered:
• Crime and Nourishment
• A Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man
• Charlotte's Web of Deceit
• Sophie's Choice of Committee Chairmanships
• A Room with a View and Development Rights

At a time of budget deficits and all-around belt tightening, Gov. Deval Patrick is taking heat for some of his new staff positions including: Director of Grassroots Governance and Director of New Media and Online Strategy. So far, no comment by the Governor’s Director of Nobody Understands Us.

Small Street Journal
Samsung Electronics, the world's top memory chip maker, announced plans to invest $902.2 million in upgrading memory lines this year. Added the company’s CEO, “For the life of me, I can’t remember why.”

Media Bites
ABC's John Stossel says he favors the legalization of cocaine, heroin, and crack. He also plans to write a book about his upcoming addiction and recovery.

Inside Scoop
After failing to force Hillary Clinton to drop out of the presidential race, Barack Obama is now considering a stake in the heart.

Weekly Prediction
Mitt Romney will be removed from John McCain’s list of possible running mates after showing up at McCain's Memorial Day barbeque and trail ride dressed in a dark blue business suit.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:57 AM

Humor / Possible Captions

Possible captions
• Does this wing make my ass look big?

• Dominos guarantees your pizza in 30 seconds or we’ll die in a fiery crash trying.

• There is plenty of leg room, but I was expecting my own seat.

• You’ve had me circling LAX for over an hour! Give me clearance to land or I’ll show you how my bathroom works!

• Yes, I'm aware it's Casual Friday.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:05 AM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Announcer: (Cue drum roll) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the funniest guy in politics! The man who put the “less” in tasteless. The one, the only, Mike Huckabee!

Mike Huckabee: Thank you, thank you so much. Let me tell you, I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my angel wings tired.

But seriously, what can I say about that Barack Obama. He’s looking good, particularly from a grassy knoll. Hello, is this microphone on?

And then there’s Ted Kennedy. Ted, you’re supposed to seize the moment, not your chest. What is this, the Camelot Room?

Is that Hillary Clinton tough or what? Did you see the last debate? Barack Obama looked like Vince Foster begging for his life. But you know, aside from the Jews and Muslims, we’re all brothers. You’re a beautiful audience. Good night.

John McCain warned 6,000 people at the NRA’s annual convention that a President Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would put the rights of “law-abiding” gun owners at risk. An hour later, he promised members of Code Pink he would outlaw standoffish attitudes.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi is visiting Iraq. The only security breach occurred when a spy satellite was blinded by her red pantsuit.

Bay State Bombast
Sal DiMasi said he was outraged at stories that he backed legislation and a state software contract that benefited his friends. He said, "Those people were only passing acquaintances."

Boston Mayor Menino bicycled through the city to show his support to make the Hub a bike-friendly town. Everything went well until he was towed away for stopping in a loading zone.

The Boston City Council approved a new ordinance that requires restaurants to have their kitchen hoods and vent systems cleaned between one and four times a year. An outraged restaurant owner was astonished: “We’re supposed to have kitchen hoods and vent systems?”

Gov. Deval Patrick is encouraging business leaders to hire kids for summer jobs. So far, the Crips have signed up 22 interns.

Small Street Journal
A letter Albert Einstein wrote on God sold for $404,000 at an auction in London. However, any letter that God wrote on Albert Einstein is expected to fetch considerably more.

Media Bites
The United States Senate voted to nullify a Federal Communications Commission rule that allows media companies to own a newspaper and a television station in the same market. In a related story, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp has temporally halted plans to clone an additional 300 news babes.

Inside Scoop
Hillary Clinton almost pulled out of the West Virginia Primary after having a severe allergic reaction from eating squirrel casserole.

Weekly Prediction
John McCain will attempt to prove he’s not too old to be president by tearing a stack of AARP junk mail in half.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:06 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — I know from reading your column that you have a dog, so I thought I’d ask your advice on a dog-related issue. My boyfriend, Mike, has a 2-year-old shepherd-mix named Lily that he got from a rescue shelter when she was a puppy. I really didn’t have any experience with dogs until Mike and I started dating 3 months ago, but Lily is really sweet and I like spending time with her. In fact, because I work out of my condo and am home during the day, I offered to walk Lily and take her to the dog park while Mike’s at work so he wouldn’t have to pay for a walker. It’s nice for me to get out of the house and I like playing with Lily. But there are a few things that are really bugging me about the other dog owners at the park.

The first is that I’ve apparently lost my own identity now. Although I always introduce myself by name, suddenly I’m just “Lily’s owner” or “Lily’s other dad.” It’s like I’m only important in my relationship to Lily. That seems really weird to me and kind of rude. It’s not that I mind being associated with Lily, because I really do love her, but I resent that my own identity has become secondary.

The second, more annoying, thing is that people keep referring to Lily a “mutt.” As I said, I don’t know much about dogs, so whenever I meet someone new I usually inquire about the breed of their dog, and 8 out of 10 times they’ll look at Lily and say something like, “She’s a mutt, right?” Maybe dog people aren’t as sensitive about these things, but I find the term “mutt” really offensive. To me it’s like calling someone a “spic” or a “kike.” It seems like a pejorative to me, especially since most of the dogs we encounter are pure breeds. I feel like people are putting Lily down.

Am I just being overly sensitive? And if not, how should I deal with these issues?

— Lily’s Other Dad (formerly known as Carl), Boston, MA

Dear What’s Your Name — Boy, that Mike sure flexed his creative muscles to come up with “Lily,” didn’t he? What, Fido and Spot were already taken? You can’t throw a rock ten feet without hitting a dog (which Spike would never do) or a child (which he might) named Lily. Way to separate her from the pack! And who said queers are creative?

Spike’s dear friend Dog Lady would probably be better suited to answer your question in her witty and insightful column (www.askdoglady.com), but since this is a subject near to Spike’s cold, dead heart, he will give it a try. As you correctly ascertained, Spike does, in fact, have a dog: a shepherd/Catahoula Leopard Dog/God-knows-what-else mix named Blue (shown below) who was rescued from Puerto Rico. And Spike can certainly relate to both of your issues.

Being that we live in Newton (the land of a thousand poodles, doodles, and labs), Blue cuts an unusual figure everywhere we go, and as a result, despite the fact that he is a world-famous advice columnist, Spike is now far better known as Blue’s daddy. In fact, so widespread is Blue’s reputation that often times when we meet someone new they’ll say, “Oh, I’ve heard of Blue.” Never, “Oh, we’ve heard of Blue and her charming, handsome father.” Just “We’ve heard of Blue.” (And Spike is NOT exaggerating.) And unfortunately Spike has also experienced the pain of having his dog labeled a “mutt,” but more on that later.

Prior to Blue moving in, Spike, too, had limited experience with other dog people. Many years ago Spike had two rescued greyhounds, but because they didn’t like any dogs that weren’t also greyhounds our contact with other dogs and their owners was very infrequent. Now that Spike has Blue, however, he has become immersed in local doggy culture, and so far as he can tell, many dog owners are nuts.

Spike sees 5 basic categories of dog people:

1) Normal people who love their dogs, treat them well, and enjoy spending time with them, as well as with other dogs.

2) People who have dogs as accessories. These are the ones who usually have small, rare breed dogs that they only allow out on a leash for very brief walks...while the owner talks on a cell phone. These people shun other dogs and dog owners, and as a result their dogs are poorly socialized and often aggressive or skittish.

3) People who have dogs as surrogate children. These are the people who have the dogs that most resemble them and are distinguished by the way that they always blame other dogs for their own “child’s” bad behavior (“I can’t believe YOUR dog lead MY dog into the swamp!”). These owners are also extremely competitive, prattling on endlessly about how cute, smart, well-behaved, and fast their dogs are, which is ridiculous since anyone with half a brain would see that Blue is clearly the cutest, smartest and fastest dog EVER (note Spike didn’t say best behaved).

4) People who see their dogs as extensions of themselves. Similar to the above, but with an even more pronounced identification with their dog(s). These folks interpret every expression and action their dog makes and delude themselves into believing that they know exactly what their dog is thinking at all times. They are also likely to be breed snobs since they’ve carefully selected the breeds that they feel are the most perfect reflections of their inner selves (or who they imagine themselves to be).

Spike finds perverse enjoyment in spending time with category 3 and 4 people because they provide endless entertainment with their interpretations of their dog’s thoughts, inappropriate personification, and casual rudeness to other dogs and owners. They are most entertaining, however, when their dogs misbehave and they become apoplectic with frustration and begin desperately trying to rationalize the misbehavior.

5) Doggy fanatics. These are Spike’s least favorite dog owners...unless he’s in the mood to fuck with somebody’s head. Doggy fanatics are convinced that there is only one breed of dog that any intelligent person would own, believe fervently that there is only one proper way to train a dog, and espouse theories about how the veterinary profession exists only to scare we other feeble-minded dog owners into paying for lots of unnecessary vaccines and medications. They also usually adhere to some fringe doggy dietary religion.

These people are to be avoided like late-night cocktails at Phil Spector’s house as they will talk your ear off and tell you ad nauseum all of the things you’re doing wrong with your dog. Still, they can be occasionally amusing if one is willing to engage them in a game of nonsense one-upsmanship (“Oh, we buy sick and wounded bunnies and goats from a local petting zoo and let Blue hunt and kill them in the backyard since that’s the way she would feed in nature.”)

So why is Spike telling you all this? Because how you respond to the “mutt” issue depends on what breed of dog person you’re dealing with and how you perceive the term was intended. People who have had or been around dogs for years use the terms “mutt” and “bitch” (for female dogs) very naturally and without pejorative connotations. “Mutt” is just a term for a non-pure breed dog. If you’re dealing with someone from category 1, that’s probably how they intend it and you should just ignore it.

If, on the other hand, you’re dealing with someone from one of the other categories and you perceive that they’re trying to demean Lily as a way of establishing the superiority of their own dog, then there are a few things you can do.

One is to memorize the life spans and health issues of various dog breeds. That way you can respond by saying something like, “What a beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Too bad they die so young and suffer from hip dysplasia and diabetes.”

Or you can go the righteous humanitarian route and say, “Yeah, we were considering a pure breed, but with all of the homeless dogs who are suffering in the world we couldn’t see just ignoring the problem. Plus we donated the money we would have given to a breeder to the ASPCA.”

Or depending on the breed of the other owner’s dog, you might try offering a little reality check. Spike encountered one Labradoodle owner who regarded Blue and asked, “Is she a mutt?” to which Spike responded, “Well, I guess that depends on how you define mutt.” When the woman gave Spike a confused look and replied, “You know. A mixed breed,” Spike smiled innocently and asked, “Oh, you mean like a labrador-poodle?” And when the woman protested that Labradoodles were an actual breed, Spike just shrugged and said, “All I know is that when I was a kid and my friend’s black lab knocked up Mrs. Moore’s poodle we called the puppies “mutts.”

Of course Spike is working hard on cultivating an image as “Mr. Cranky” in his neighborhood, so none of the above may be appropriate for you. In the interests of harmony for you and Lily it may just be better to smile indulgently while thinking, “What an asshole!” Actually Spike finds that technique useful for dealing with a lot of life’s challenges.

As for the issue of being known only by your connection to Lily, just accept it. That’s just the way it goes with dog people. Since getting Blue, Spike has met literally hundreds of other dogs and owners, but he knows only a handful of those owners by their actual names. Spike’s rule of thumb is that if you run into someone on a regular basis (ie. they go to the park at the same time you do every day) then it’s okay to exchange names after a few weeks (once you’ve had time to determine if they’re a freak). For everyone else, just try to learn the dog’s name since all most people really want is the affirmation that their dog is memorable. And if you’re not sure of the name, just guess Lily since 50% of the time you’ll be right.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 04:09 PM

Humor / Possible Captions

Possible captions
• No seriously, I’m running for president.

• And this is my nephew and Secret Service agent, Ralph.

• No, the real estate seminar is across the hall.

• I ask you: What other candidates can also do hand puppets?

• No, it’s Barr with two ‘R’s.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:34 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Top five things superdelegates are telling Hillary Clinton when switching support to Barack Obama:

• It’s an interesting theory but I still think Obama can win without the Ku Klux Klan vote.

• Barack Obama will never agree to a steel-cage death match.

• My advisors assure me there’s no way you’ll be able to count votes from Ontario.

• That flaming bag of dog poop on my front step was not enough to convince me.

• It was nice that your husband could stop by but my secretary is still missing.

Barack Obama said on Thursday he has not ruled out selecting Hillary Clinton as his vice presidential running mate. He also has not ruled out Mike Gravel as his Ambassador to Mars.

Records show that Rev. Al Sharpton and his business entities owe nearly $1.5 million in overdue taxes and associated penalties. On the plus side, he’s entitled to 10 free one-size-fits-all tank tops from “Velour Sweat Suits R Us.”

Bay State Bombast
Governor Deval Patrick hasn’t given up on his legislation to legalize casino gambling in Massachusetts. He didn’t say where the casinos would be located, but Tony Orlando and Dawn recently announced they’ve been booked at Plimoth Plantation.

Newton Mayor David Cohen, whose plan to renovate one of the city’s high schools started at $40 million and has now reached almost $200 million, asked for a 28 percent raise, and then decided not to run for re-election. However, he may retire with a disability after a routine medical examination turned up massive amounts of nerve.

Massachusetts lawmakers desperate for additional revenue are considering taxing the endowments of rich private colleges. If passed, the law will also require police details on location whenever a freshman loses his or her virginity.

Four hundred pound New England Mafia underboss Carmen “The Cheeseman” DiNunzio, currently being held in jail for bribing an undercover FBI agent, complained that his prison toilet is too small. His cellmate also complained of not being able to inhale for the past two weeks.

Small Street Journal
The price of first-class postage rises one penny to 42 cents on May 12, meaning it will now cost more to send a letter complaining about the rising cost of gas.

Media Bites
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp dropped its $580 million bid for Tribune Co’s Newsday newspaper. Murdoch then laid off 10,000 employees just to prove to himself that he wasn’t losing his touch.

Inside Scoop
John Edwards came within seconds of endorsing a presidential candidate before he was distracted by the reflection of himself in a mirror.

Weekly Prediction
New York Rep. Vito Fossella will be forced to resign when a video of him bitch slapping his love child’s soccer coach turns up on YouTube.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:06 PM

Humor / Possible Captions

Possible captions
• I’ll explain this one more time; sushi is a sliced raw fish.

• No, Saddam Hussein did not give Michelle away at our wedding.

• Let me get this straight: If I get my bowling score up to 250, you’ll vote for me?

• And the farmer says to the salesman, “No, I don’t have any Grey Poupon but you can sleep with my daughter.”

• It was during the Irish Potato Famine that my Great Great Grandfather Padraig O’Bama brought his family to America.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:00 AM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.

• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.

• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.

• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.

• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.

• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.

President Bush revealed the real reason he’s asking for $70 billion for the Iraq and Afghan wars: “If I put this on my government credit card, I’ll get 5,000,000,000 frequent flyer miles."

Bay State Bombast
The incredible shrinking Mass GOP is contesting only 29 percent of the 200 state legislative seats in November. At the very least, a new party slogan is in order. Here are some suggestions:

• Massachusetts GOP: The party that believes size doesn’t matter.

• Admit it. You were just as blown away by Mitt Romney’s hair and teeth as we were.

• Hey, at least we’re beating the Green Party.

• That spaced-out guy on “Taxi.” was Jim “Ignatowski” not “Ogonowski.”

• Together we can field a baseball team.

The state Department of Public Utilities approved a program that allows NStar to sell customers half or all of their electricity from wind farms in Maine and upstate New York. All that will be required from each customer is a 400-mile extension cord.

Mass. Media Bites -- Ever notice that, aside from Jon Keller’s commentaries, the local Boston TV stations are devoid of any local political news? In fact, all local TV news can now be summarized in three statements:

• He was a wonderful neighbor. I had no idea he was a serial killer.

• I think the team is going all the way. Go Sox!

• If you look behind me, you can see these powerful hurricane winds carrying my mother-in-law and her house out to sea.

Media Bites
Barbara Walters admits in her new memoir that she had an affair with U.S. Senator Edward Brooke in the 1970s. When he heard about it, Ted Kennedy called her and said, “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve fit you in between a stewardess and an intern.”

Inside Scoop
After catching flack for saying the bridge collapse in Minnesota that killed 13 people last year was caused by pork-barrel spending, John McCain decided not to blame out-of-control entitlement spending for his constant trips to the bathroom at night.

Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will surge ahead in the polls after it’s revealed his great great great grandfather on his mother’s side died after getting laid off from his job, becoming an alcoholic, contracting an unknown disease after being baptized in a polluted stream, and accidentally shooting himself in a hunting accident.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:43 AM