Political Shorts – 38
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.
• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.
• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.
• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.
• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.
John McCain said he didn’t mean to imply that the U.S. involvement in the Iraq war had anything to do with America’s reliance on foreign oil. He added, “We shouldn’t even be thinking about that until we’ve been there at least 75 years.”
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.
President Bush revealed the real reason he’s asking for $70 billion for the Iraq and Afghan wars: “If I put this on my government credit card, I’ll get 5,000,000,000 frequent flyer miles."
Bay State Bombast
The incredible shrinking Mass GOP is contesting only 29 percent of the 200 state legislative seats in November. At the very least, a new party slogan is in order. Here are some suggestions:
• Massachusetts GOP: The party that believes size doesn’t matter.• Admit it. You were just as blown away by Mitt Romney’s hair and teeth as we were.
• Hey, at least we’re beating the Green Party.
• That spaced-out guy on “Taxi.” was Jim “Ignatowski” not “Ogonowski.”
• Together we can field a baseball team.
Reputed New England mob underboss Carmen “The Cheeseman” DiNunzio has been charged with allegedly giving an undercover FBI informant a $10,000 bribe to secure a $6 million contract for the Big Dig. Secretary of State William Galvin has also accused DiNunzio of lobbying with an unregistered firearm.
The state Department of Public Utilities approved a program that allows NStar to sell customers half or all of their electricity from wind farms in Maine and upstate New York. All that will be required from each customer is a 400-mile extension cord.
Mass. Media Bites -- Ever notice that, aside from Jon Keller’s commentaries, the local Boston TV stations are devoid of any local political news? In fact, all local TV news can now be summarized in three statements:
• He was a wonderful neighbor. I had no idea he was a serial killer.• I think the team is going all the way. Go Sox!
• If you look behind me, you can see these powerful hurricane winds carrying my mother-in-law and her house out to sea.
Small Street Journal
Toyota has recalled 90,000 Highlander hybrid sport utility vehicles because of possible faulty seat belts. Ford and G.M. announced they wished they had 90,000 of anything to recall.
Media Bites
Barbara Walters admits in her new memoir that she had an affair with U.S. Senator Edward Brooke in the 1970s. When he heard about it, Ted Kennedy called her and said, “Why didn’t you call me? I could’ve fit you in between a stewardess and an intern.”
Inside Scoop
After catching flack for saying the bridge collapse in Minnesota that killed 13 people last year was caused by pork-barrel spending, John McCain decided not to blame out-of-control entitlement spending for his constant trips to the bathroom at night.
Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will surge ahead in the polls after it’s revealed his great great great grandfather on his mother’s side died after getting laid off from his job, becoming an alcoholic, contracting an unknown disease after being baptized in a polluted stream, and accidentally shooting himself in a hunting accident.
