Political Shorts – 39
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Top five things superdelegates are telling Hillary Clinton when switching support to Barack Obama:
• It’s an interesting theory but I still think Obama can win without the Ku Klux Klan vote.• Barack Obama will never agree to a steel-cage death match.
• My advisors assure me there’s no way you’ll be able to count votes from Ontario.
• That flaming bag of dog poop on my front step was not enough to convince me.
• It was nice that your husband could stop by but my secretary is still missing.
The political advisor chosen by John McCain to run the Republican National Convention this summer was forced to resign when it was revealed that his lobbying and public relations firm once represented the Myanmar government. Fortunately, he will be replaced with the president of the American Friends of Robert Mugabe Association.
Barack Obama said on Thursday he has not ruled out selecting Hillary Clinton as his vice presidential running mate. He also has not ruled out Mike Gravel as his Ambassador to Mars.
Records show that Rev. Al Sharpton and his business entities owe nearly $1.5 million in overdue taxes and associated penalties. On the plus side, he’s entitled to 10 free one-size-fits-all tank tops from “Velour Sweat Suits R Us.”
Bay State Bombast
Governor Deval Patrick hasn’t given up on his legislation to legalize casino gambling in Massachusetts. He didn’t say where the casinos would be located, but Tony Orlando and Dawn recently announced they’ve been booked at Plimoth Plantation.
Newton Mayor David Cohen, whose plan to renovate one of the city’s high schools started at $40 million and has now reached almost $200 million, asked for a 28 percent raise, and then decided not to run for re-election. However, he may retire with a disability after a routine medical examination turned up massive amounts of nerve.
Massachusetts lawmakers desperate for additional revenue are considering taxing the endowments of rich private colleges. If passed, the law will also require police details on location whenever a freshman loses his or her virginity.
Four hundred pound New England Mafia underboss Carmen “The Cheeseman” DiNunzio, currently being held in jail for bribing an undercover FBI agent, complained that his prison toilet is too small. His cellmate also complained of not being able to inhale for the past two weeks.
Small Street Journal
The price of first-class postage rises one penny to 42 cents on May 12, meaning it will now cost more to send a letter complaining about the rising cost of gas.
Media Bites
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp dropped its $580 million bid for Tribune Co’s Newsday newspaper. Murdoch then laid off 10,000 employees just to prove to himself that he wasn’t losing his touch.
Inside Scoop
John Edwards came within seconds of endorsing a presidential candidate before he was distracted by the reflection of himself in a mirror.
Weekly Prediction
New York Rep. Vito Fossella will be forced to resign when a video of him bitch slapping his love child’s soccer coach turns up on YouTube.
