Political Shorts – 41
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain’s campaign released over a thousand pages of his medical records that show the Senator to be in good health. His records also turned up some other interesting medical information:
Page 47: Since 1980, McCain has been treated unsuccessfully for a condition that causes him to change political positions every time he blinks.Page 178: John McCain is intermittently allergic and attracted to President Bush.
Page 249: The Senator suffers form a binge-purge syndrome that causes him to embrace wacky evangelical ministers when courting conservative voters and then drop them when the mainstream media starts paying attention.
Page 554: McCain threatened to stab a male nurse with a tongue depressor after it was suggested the Senator sign up for an anger management workshop.
Page 1045: McCain has an almost unhealthy dependence on lobbyists.
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has been selected to be the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidate. The only problem now is how to run for government office without government involvement.
While campaigning in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that the proudest moment in her father’s life was when he joined the Sharks.
According to her recently-released tax returns, Cindy McCain had a total income of more than $6 million in 2006 -- most of which she earned from her one-woman show, “My Life as a Stepford Wife.”
Bay State Bombast
The wives of Massachusetts House Speaker Sal DiMasi and his close -- some would say too close -- buddy, developer Jay Cashman are teaming up to produce and star in a New England Cable News show called “Open Book Club.” Each month, Debbie DiMasi and Christy Scott Cashman gather in Cashman’s sumptuous Back Bay home to discuss a book with its author and other guests. Here are some suggested titles for future shows:
• How Green Was My Wallet -- A poor family from Southie gives their life’s savings to Sal DiMasi’s plumber who claims to be a political “strategist.” The man then runs off and opens a scratch ticket parlor inside a Keno parlor.• Rebecca of Sunnybrook Wind Farm -- A charming young girl becomes rich by convincing Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard residents to wear propeller hats.
• The Last of the Mohican Casinos -- Sal DiMasi leads his legislature on a mission to drive Native American-run slot machines out of Suffolk Downs racetrack.
• War and Piece of the Action -- Palace advisor Vladimir DiMasioff convinces Czar Nicholas II to outfit his army with paper mittens sold by a traveling peddler named Jacob Cashman.
• Lady Chatterley's Lobbyist -- A young married woman can only be sexually satisfied while on golf junkets.
Other books to be considered:
• Crime and Nourishment
• A Portrait of the Con Artist as a Young Man
• Charlotte's Web of Deceit
• Sophie's Choice of Committee Chairmanships
• A Room with a View and Development Rights
At a time of budget deficits and all-around belt tightening, Gov. Deval Patrick is taking heat for some of his new staff positions including: Director of Grassroots Governance and Director of New Media and Online Strategy. So far, no comment by the Governor’s Director of Nobody Understands Us.
Small Street Journal
Samsung Electronics, the world's top memory chip maker, announced plans to invest $902.2 million in upgrading memory lines this year. Added the company’s CEO, “For the life of me, I can’t remember why.”
Media Bites
ABC's John Stossel says he favors the legalization of cocaine, heroin, and crack. He also plans to write a book about his upcoming addiction and recovery.
Inside Scoop
After failing to force Hillary Clinton to drop out of the presidential race, Barack Obama is now considering a stake in the heart.
Weekly Prediction
Mitt Romney will be removed from John McCain’s list of possible running mates after showing up at McCain's Memorial Day barbeque and trail ride dressed in a dark blue business suit.
