Spike’s dear friend Dog Lady would probably be better suited to answer your question in her witty and insightful column (www.askdoglady.com), but since this is a subject near to Spike’s cold, dead heart, he will give it a try. As you correctly ascertained, Spike does, in fact, have a dog: a shepherd/Catahoula Leopard Dog/God-knows-what-else mix named Blue (shown below) who was rescued from Puerto Rico. And Spike can certainly relate to both of your issues.

Being that we live in Newton (the land of a thousand poodles, doodles, and labs), Blue cuts an unusual figure everywhere we go, and as a result, despite the fact that he is a world-famous advice columnist, Spike is now far better known as Blue’s daddy. In fact, so widespread is Blue’s reputation that often times when we meet someone new they’ll say, “Oh, I’ve heard of Blue.” Never, “Oh, we’ve heard of Blue and her charming, handsome father.” Just “We’ve heard of Blue.” (And Spike is NOT exaggerating.) And unfortunately Spike has also experienced the pain of having his dog labeled a “mutt,” but more on that later.

Prior to Blue moving in, Spike, too, had limited experience with other dog people. Many years ago Spike had two rescued greyhounds, but because they didn’t like any dogs that weren’t also greyhounds our contact with other dogs and their owners was very infrequent. Now that Spike has Blue, however, he has become immersed in local doggy culture, and so far as he can tell, many dog owners are nuts.

Spike sees 5 basic categories of dog people:

1) Normal people who love their dogs, treat them well, and enjoy spending time with them, as well as with other dogs.

2) People who have dogs as accessories. These are the ones who usually have small, rare breed dogs that they only allow out on a leash for very brief walks...while the owner talks on a cell phone. These people shun other dogs and dog owners, and as a result their dogs are poorly socialized and often aggressive or skittish.

3) People who have dogs as surrogate children. These are the people who have the dogs that most resemble them and are distinguished by the way that they always blame other dogs for their own “child’s” bad behavior (“I can’t believe YOUR dog lead MY dog into the swamp!”). These owners are also extremely competitive, prattling on endlessly about how cute, smart, well-behaved, and fast their dogs are, which is ridiculous since anyone with half a brain would see that Blue is clearly the cutest, smartest and fastest dog EVER (note Spike didn’t say best behaved).

4) People who see their dogs as extensions of themselves. Similar to the above, but with an even more pronounced identification with their dog(s). These folks interpret every expression and action their dog makes and delude themselves into believing that they know exactly what their dog is thinking at all times. They are also likely to be breed snobs since they’ve carefully selected the breeds that they feel are the most perfect reflections of their inner selves (or who they imagine themselves to be).

Spike finds perverse enjoyment in spending time with category 3 and 4 people because they provide endless entertainment with their interpretations of their dog’s thoughts, inappropriate personification, and casual rudeness to other dogs and owners. They are most entertaining, however, when their dogs misbehave and they become apoplectic with frustration and begin desperately trying to rationalize the misbehavior.

5) Doggy fanatics. These are Spike’s least favorite dog owners...unless he’s in the mood to fuck with somebody’s head. Doggy fanatics are convinced that there is only one breed of dog that any intelligent person would own, believe fervently that there is only one proper way to train a dog, and espouse theories about how the veterinary profession exists only to scare we other feeble-minded dog owners into paying for lots of unnecessary vaccines and medications. They also usually adhere to some fringe doggy dietary religion.

These people are to be avoided like late-night cocktails at Phil Spector’s house as they will talk your ear off and tell you ad nauseum all of the things you’re doing wrong with your dog. Still, they can be occasionally amusing if one is willing to engage them in a game of nonsense one-upsmanship (“Oh, we buy sick and wounded bunnies and goats from a local petting zoo and let Blue hunt and kill them in the backyard since that’s the way she would feed in nature.”)

So why is Spike telling you all this? Because how you respond to the “mutt” issue depends on what breed of dog person you’re dealing with and how you perceive the term was intended. People who have had or been around dogs for years use the terms “mutt” and “bitch” (for female dogs) very naturally and without pejorative connotations. “Mutt” is just a term for a non-pure breed dog. If you’re dealing with someone from category 1, that’s probably how they intend it and you should just ignore it.

If, on the other hand, you’re dealing with someone from one of the other categories and you perceive that they’re trying to demean Lily as a way of establishing the superiority of their own dog, then there are a few things you can do.

One is to memorize the life spans and health issues of various dog breeds. That way you can respond by saying something like, “What a beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Too bad they die so young and suffer from hip dysplasia and diabetes.”

Or you can go the righteous humanitarian route and say, “Yeah, we were considering a pure breed, but with all of the homeless dogs who are suffering in the world we couldn’t see just ignoring the problem. Plus we donated the money we would have given to a breeder to the ASPCA.”

Or depending on the breed of the other owner’s dog, you might try offering a little reality check. Spike encountered one Labradoodle owner who regarded Blue and asked, “Is she a mutt?” to which Spike responded, “Well, I guess that depends on how you define mutt.” When the woman gave Spike a confused look and replied, “You know. A mixed breed,” Spike smiled innocently and asked, “Oh, you mean like a labrador-poodle?” And when the woman protested that Labradoodles were an actual breed, Spike just shrugged and said, “All I know is that when I was a kid and my friend’s black lab knocked up Mrs. Moore’s poodle we called the puppies “mutts.”

Of course Spike is working hard on cultivating an image as “Mr. Cranky” in his neighborhood, so none of the above may be appropriate for you. In the interests of harmony for you and Lily it may just be better to smile indulgently while thinking, “What an asshole!” Actually Spike finds that technique useful for dealing with a lot of life’s challenges.

As for the issue of being known only by your connection to Lily, just accept it. That’s just the way it goes with dog people. Since getting Blue, Spike has met literally hundreds of other dogs and owners, but he knows only a handful of those owners by their actual names. Spike’s rule of thumb is that if you run into someone on a regular basis (ie. they go to the park at the same time you do every day) then it’s okay to exchange names after a few weeks (once you’ve had time to determine if they’re a freak). For everyone else, just try to learn the dog’s name since all most people really want is the affirmation that their dog is memorable. And if you’re not sure of the name, just guess Lily since 50% of the time you’ll be right.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.