Tool Time
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m a gay dude whose 23. I hang with a group of really close freindz when I go out to clubz and stuff, but its always really competitive cuz we’re all really hot and everyones always trying to cock-block everyone else.
There’s this other gay guy I work with named Roberto. He’s a good guy and pretty funny. I wouldn’t take him out with my other friendz cuz I don’t think he’d fit in, but I started hanging out with him for drinks. I figured he’d be a really good wing man cuz he’s not that cute and kind of chubby so he wouldn’t compete with me, plus he’s willing to go up to anyone and start a conversation. I figured I could use him to meet hot guys (tho I really like hanging out with him, too, so it’s not like I’m totaly using him).
The problem is that he doesn’t get the hint when it’s time to leave. We’ll be talking to some guy and after a few minutes when it’s obvious the other dude is into me I’ll start giving Roberto looks so he knows he can leave but he just doesn’t get it. One time I even gave him money and asked him to get me another drink, then moved to the corner of the room with the other guy so he wouldn’t find us but a few minutes later he found us anyway. It was pretty embarrassing for me cuz the other dude got pissed and left.
Like I don’t want to hurt his feelings so I need a tacfull way to tell him that he should leave when I give him the signal. What should I do?
—Brandon, South End
Dear Brandon — You know, usually Spike makes an effort to correct the spelling and grammar of the letters he receives so as to show his readers in their best light. But in your case, Spike decided you don’t have a best light, so he published your letter unedited in order to show the rest of the world what a fucking tool you are.
And how much of a tool are you? Let Spike count the ways:
1) You use the word “dude.” Are you a surfer? Did you grow up in Orange County or Venice Beach? Spike didn’t think so. “Dude” is funny in those Bud Light commercials. When you use it, it just comes off as a desperate attempt to sound cool.
2) You’re not Prince: learn to spell correctly. Using Z’s instead of S’s and abbreviating words like “because” isn’t cute, it isn’t clever, and it doesn’t make you hip. It’s just annoying. Grow up! You’re 23 years old. It’s time to start communicating like an adult.
3) Anyone who proclaims himself hot is automatically not, because arrogance and conceit are NOT hot. Yes, you can say your “freindz” are hot, but not yourself because that just makes you a conceited asshole.
4) If you spend all of your time cock-blocking each another (that means trying to keep one another from getting laid, for those of you from Idaho), maybe you need to reconsider your definition of “really close freindz.” Sure, an occasional cock-block can be amusing, but real friends are willing to put the interests of their friends ahead of their own sometimes. You’re just a bunch of insecure fags trying to prove that you’re attractive by playing games with unsuspecting victims.
5) You’re not “totaly using” Roberto? Let’s see: you hang out with him because he’s willing to start conversations with guys you want to hit on, you chose him because you don’t think he’s attractive enough to steal those guys away from you, and as soon as he’s done your bidding you want him to just disappear with no concern about what he’s supposed to do for the rest of the night. Hmmmm....sure sounds like using to Spike. What exactly does Roberto get out of this arrangement? The privilege of hanging out with a “hot” guy like you and maybe feeding on your scraps?
6) You were embarrassed because Roberto found you and your potential trick got pissed. How do you think Roberto would have felt if he’d realized you tried to ditch him? Does it even occur to you that Roberto is a human being and that he has feelings? Spike knows how hard a concept that can be to grasp—especially when you’re talking about chubby, unattractive people—but guess what? He actually has feelings just like you! And he probably even feels things more deeply because he’s not always busy admiring his own reflection in shiny objects and wondering what other people are thinking about him.
Spike could go on and on but he’s afraid you can’t count higher than six (which you probably tell everyone is actually 8.5 anyway). You want some advice? Leave poor Roberto alone. Tell him you’re a self-centered asshole and that you think it would be better for him if you didn’t hang out together anymore. No, seriously, do it! In fact Spike thinks you should get t-shirts made up that say, “I’m a self-centered asshole” for you and all your “really close freindz.” On second thought, don’t. Spike suspects you’d actually take pride in that, like those spoiled teenage girls who wear shirts that say things like, “As a matter of fact the world does revolve around me” or “I don’t understand the whole ‘no’ thing.” Besides, once they get beyond the initial dazzle of your collective hotness, Spike is pretty sure most people will figure it out.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
