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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
In the first major pronouncement on gun rights in U.S. history, the Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense and hunting. Here are just some of the wonderful ways this ruling will affect your life:
• Disputes can now be easily settled with pistols at 20 paces.
• “Pop a cap in your ass” moves from urban phrase to a team-building exercise.
• The five justices who voted in favor of this ruling now have something else to play with under their robes.
• Lower ratio of mullets to guns.
• New express line at Wal-Mart: 10 Weapons or Fewer.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will make their first joint campaign appearance in Unity, New Hampshire, although Clinton had first suggested Chilmark, Massachusetts.
When asked about bringing back the military draft, John McCain said, “I don't know what would make a draft happen unless we were in an all-out World War III.” In which case, all young men and woman would be required to scour the nuclear rubble for their local draft board.
Log Cabin Republican President Patrick Sammon confirmed that his conservative gay organization has “had a series of productive meetings with the [McCain] campaign since Sen. McCain won the nomination.” McCain said he welcomes their support, but still reserves the right to say, “I thought ‘gay’ meant happy.”
Small Street Journal
Ford shares hit a 52-week low. Business has been so bad for so long the company has updated its slogan to “Have you ever driven a Ford?”
Media Bites
Ben Affleck will serve as an ABC “Nightline” Correspondent in the Congo – which raises an important question: Wasn’t Scarlett Johanssen available?
Inside Scoop
Accusing Barack Obama of trying to “talk white” was the first and last advice Ralph Nader took from his new advisor, Don Cornelius.
Weekly Prediction
John McCain will cement his reputation as the green candidate after an undercooked serving of Parmesan Crusted Tilapia turns his skin olive drab.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - An 86-year-old time capsule was dug up in Boston’s Dudley Square. Its contents included:
• 400 hundred votes purchased by Mayor James Michael Curley
• A petition to legalize betting on indentured servant racing
• A written pact by Gloucester teenage girls, each agreeing to have at least eight children before they turn 21
• A proclamation by Governor Calvin Coolidge declaring every weekday to be “Don’t Even Think About Bringing Your Daughter to Work Day”
• A “Yankees Will Suck for Years to Come” t-shirt
• A pair of Reebok’s “revolutionary new” coal shoveling shoes
Ten Mass. Turnpike Authority toll collectors have been charged with skimming thousands of dollars from taxis and other vehicles passing by their booths near Logan International Airport – thus answering the question constantly asked by the suspect’s wives: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A trolley driver on the MBTA’s Green Line has been suspended for being asleep at the wheel. Riders sensed something was amiss when the train passed without stopping through Kenmore, Cleveland Circle, Providence, and New York City.
Drunken-driving arrests in Massachusetts have risen 70 percent in the past two years. As for the cause, authorities aren’t ruling out the new combination Fast Lane transponder / cocktail mixer.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Time magazine reports that 17 girls at Gloucester High School are pregnant, and a group of freshman had made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Experts have not been able to pinpoint when the added interest in getting knocked up now occurred. However, recent events in the town may have contributed:
• Due to political correctness, the school mascot was changed from the Fighting Redmen to the Leaking Condoms.
• Career Day included representatives from 12 strip clubs.
• Grading for sex education was changed to one percent testing and 99 percent class participation.
• The Abstinence Awareness Club chose “Love to Love You Baby” as its theme song.
• The Gorton’s Fisherman finally found a doctor willing to prescribe Viagra.
Gary Zerola, a former Boston prosecutor and one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Bachelors,” who has also beaten three rape charges (so far), was arrested for hitting a police officer and urinating in public while celebrating the Celtics championship win. He was also just named one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Urinating Rapists.”
Massachusetts health authorities announced hospitals and doctors who operate on the wrong limb or give an unsafe dose of medication will no longer be able to bill the state or Blue Cross and Blue Shield for costs related to fixing the mistake. Said one angry doctor: “It’s getting to the point where an incompetent doctor can’t make a living in Massachusetts.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Massachusetts produces more twins, triplets, and other multiple births than any state in the nation. The rate is expected to double if Gloucester lowers its drinking age to eight.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has come up with a sure-fire way to solve our energy crisis: He has proposed a $300 million prize to anyone who can develop a technologically-advanced battery capable of powering a car or George Foreman cooking device. But why stop there? There are so many other problems that could be solved with cash prizes:
• $600 million to the first person who can lead the entire Middle East in a sing-along version of “What the World Needs Now is Love”
• $200 million to end illegal immigration by convincing unemployed stockbrokers to pick lettuce, bus tables, and clean toilets
• $800 million to develop a giant dehumidifier capable of drying out the Midwest
• $500 million to invent a way of cloning rich people willing to bail out any relative who took out a subprime loan
• $1 trillion to invent a health care payment that’s less painful than the procedure it’s paying for
John McCain and Barack Obama spent the weekend arguing over whose heart went out the most for Midwest flood victims. Obama was building a comfortable lead in concerned hugs until someone stole his wallet.
A 22-year-old Miami Beach man, who somehow got a $298 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the Afghan army, was charged with fraud after it was learned he delivered defective Chinese gun cartridges that were more than 40 years old. He said he hopes prosecutors take into consideration he was also holding down a part-time job at Starbucks.
Bill Clinton has yet to endorse Barack Obama. Said the former president, “I need to know how he would handle a crisis situation. Your wife unexpectedly enters the Oval office. What do you do first: hide the intern or pull up your pants?”
Small Street Journal
A Japanese toy maker plans to sell a portable karaoke machine small enough (an almost three-inch cube) that can be taken anywhere. In a related story, American Airlines announced it will begin selling rope to strangle obnoxious co-passengers.
Media Bites
Al Roker will be hosting “Celebrity Family Feud” on NBC. The highlight episode will be the Kim Basinger / Alec Baldwin no-holds-barred death match.
Inside Scoop
Had Hillary Clinton won the Democratic presidential nomination, husband Bill planned to prepare for life as a background player by touring as one of Gladys Knight’s Pips.
Weekly Prediction
If Barack Obama feels he’s not getting sufficient Jewish support by September, he will hire at least two more Jewish advisors and one mohel.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — Six months ago my partner went back to school to study art history. She dropped out of school 20 years ago to work and has always wanted to go back and get her degree. We’re finally in a position now where we’re financially comfortable enough that she can be a full-time student. I can see how happy she is to be back in school and I’m glad she can finally pursue her dream after so many years of hard work.
The problem is that since Brenda started school she’s made a lot of new friends, and to be honest I feel kind of excluded when they all get together. It’s not that everyone isn’t nice, and Brenda always makes sure I know I’m welcome, but I just don’t feel like I fit in with this new group of gals. They’re all PhD candidates studying art history. They’re really smart and well educated. I’m a cop from a blue collar background. I graduated from community college with a BA in criminal justice. My idea of art is those paintings of dogs playing poker.
I don’t want to stop hanging out with Brenda’s new friends because I like them and enjoy listening to their conversations and trying to figure out what they’re talking about, plus I want Brenda to know that I want her to mingle with her peers. But I also don’t want to embarrass her. I know that after she graduates it’s going to be important for her to make connections and make a good impression on people in the art world, and I’m afraid I’m going to hold her back.
What should I do? I love Brenda with all my heart but I don’t want to stand in the way of her career.
— Carol the Cop, Malden, MA
Dear Carol — Whatever you do, don’t bail before all that PhD-in-art-history money starts rolling in. You sure wouldn’t want to miss out on THAT high-roller lifestyle. Seriously, Carol, what kind of bill of goods did Brenda sell you before she went back to school? A degree in art history is like a degree in English. Lots of people have them, but very few people make any money with them. Think about it: there’s not THAT much old art in the world, and they’re not making any more, so how much of a call do you think there is for people with degrees in art history? Maybe one in 10,000 might snag a gig working at a museum. The rest, if they’re lucky, might get a job at a gallery on Newbury Street. But the majority will end up working in a frame shop in the suburbs where they can dazzle the customers with their extensive knowledge of the artists whose posters are on sale for $9.99.
Now don’t get Spike wrong. He isn’t trying to belittle Brenda’s choice of study...too much. Sometimes knowledge is valuable just for its own sake, and passing down an understanding of the history of art is a valid and worthy undertaking. The point is that when you put things in perspective, there’s no reason to feel inferior to Brenda’s new friends. Yes, they’re more educated than you are, and perhaps they’re even smarter, but their practical contributions to every day society will likely be far less than your own. You’re a cop, damn it. That’s an important job. Without law and order society cannot exist. Plus, you could choke out any of those artsy bitches in a second. That’s got to count for something.
As far as your concern that you’re going to put Brenda in a bad light with her new friends or hold her career back, there are a few things you can do. One is to let the gals get together without you on occasion so that they can engage in deep philosophical discussions of how Monet and Picasso shaped the socio-cultural climate of pre-World War II France until the barista who’s serving them lattes is ready to puke. And when you do get together with them, contribute to the conversation by asking thoughtful questions. That will show that you’re engaged and want to learn. Plus, in Spike’s experience, art history majors like nothing more than an opportunity to hear themselves talk.
The other thing you might try is inviting the gals to participate in activities that will highlight your own strengths and limit the opportunity for discussions about art. Shoot pool, or go bowling. You're a dyke cop. You’ve GOT to be better at those than a bunch of art history majors. Or better yet, how about a game of paint ball? That way you can shoot the crap out of them and afterward they can discuss how the paint blotches resemble the early works of Jackson Pollack. It’ll be a win-win for everyone!
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Blue is a shepherd-Catahoula Leopard Dog mix who was rescued in Puerto Rico in July 2007 when she was two months old. She’s been living in Newton, MA, with her two dads since August 2007. These are some of her thoughts.
Why do they be calling this place Cat Rock anyway? I never seen a single cat here. Like a billion rocks, yeah, but not one cat. That’s just not right. They should just be calling it like Rocks Rock or Trees Rock or something so they don’t be fooling people.
Yeah, all right, I hear you Daddy Brian. Get off my back for a second, would ya? I’m sniffing over here. It’s not like I’ll be losing you with you tripping over stuff and making all that noise. All RIGHT!!!! I’m coming, I’m coming...
Hold on a second! That wasn’t here yesterday. What are you guys DOING? Get away from that! Yeah, I know it looks like a branch but branches don’t just be walking onto trails and laying down by themselves. There might be something hiding under it, like an alligator or something. Let me check it out first. Okay, it’s all right. You can pass now.
Oh my God could you guys walk any slower? Maybe you should try using all four feet instead of being all fancy walking on just two.
FINALLY!!!! The pond...and look who it is, that little punk ass puggle bitch Ridley and her cranky mommy. Oh, are you leaving? How sad. Was it something I said? Or maybe that I put your entire head in my mouth the last time I saw you? That’s right, just move along someplace else.
Hey, where did Daddy David go? Oh no. Hey, Daddy David, why you embarrassing me like that? Why I have to be the only one whose Daddy goes swimming? Couldn’t you just stand on the shore like all the other parents? Hey, what’s that in your hand? Oh my God, it’s my ball, it’s my ball, it’s my ball! Oh no you didn’t just throw it. And now you’re going after it? I don’t THINK so!
Mine, mine, mine...I’m going to beat you....almost got it....HA! I beat you! I beat you! I’m a faster swimmer than Daddy David! Yeah, that’s right, I AM a good girl. Hey, don’t be rubbing my ears in front of my friends...although if you want to do it later at home it MIGHT be okay. I’ll let you know.
Politics / Humor - Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s administration’s top 20 accomplishments, published on his Web site, reads like a chapter from “Profiles in Padded Resumes.” Kudos to the governor’s Secretary of Action Verbs. The following are a few achievements that didn’t make the final cut:
21. Increased daylight during the spring and summer months.
22. Streamlined the state purchasing process by requiring staff members to order only medium coffees with cream and one sugar.
23. Commissioned a study to find out why 99 percent of voters think “civic engagement” is when a Honda tries to mate with a Camry.
24. Attempting to retrieve half of the $1 billion Life Science Initiative money being used to resurface Speaker Sal DiMasi's bocce court.
25. Initiated an emergency chain of command for when the governor is out of state at book-signings.
Fenway Park’s food stands were cited for more than a dozen health and safety violations, including putting pine tar on a Polish sausage.
A Nantucket man was sentenced to 25 years in prison on federal pornography charges of filming himself engaged in sex acts with young girls in Asia. His lawyer complained the judge kept cutting him off after each time he started to say: “There once was a man from Nantucket.”
Horace White, a Boston DPW dispatcher, suspended for a second time for being asleep on the job, was arrested on charges of setting a house on fire. The city has a name for people like this: Employee of the Year.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about him and his wife. Among them:
• He earned his Harvard Law School tuition by working as an Arthur Murray dance instructor.
• Michelle Obama plays a secret game with her children each night that begins with “This little honky went to market.”
• His first act as president will be to award Yemen an NBA franchise.
• “The Audacity of Hope” is Louis Farrakhan’s ATM pin code.
• Michelle Obama’s real middle name is Trotsky.
Less than a month after declaring polar bears an endangered species, the Bush administration is giving energy companies permission to annoy and potentially harm them while searching for oil and natural gas. This has caused a sudden increase in the “Polar Bears for Obama” population.
President Bush expressed concern to those affected by flooding in the Midwest. He said aid will be on the way as soon as the governor of the Midwest requests it.
President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown are meeting to share Iraq war strategies:
Brown: What do you have?
Bush: Me? I thought you were supposed to bring the strategy.
Small Street Journal
Belgian brewer InBev has made a $46 billion unsolicited bid to buy Anheuser-Busch Cos. Inc. The company denies it also plans on replacing the Clydesdales with Lipizzaner horses.
Media Bites
The evolution of broadcast legends:
Past - Edward R. Murrow(CBS) was best known for introducing America to the war in Europe with his rooftop radio broadcasts during the Battle of Britain in 1939, and taking on Senator Joseph McCarthy (and his own network) in an episode of “See It Now” that one critic said “may be remembered as the week that broadcasting recaptured its soul.”
Present - Tim Russert (NBC) was best known for interviewing countless political figures while as the longest-tenured host of NBC’s “Meet the Press,” and writing two best-selling books, including the “Big Russ and Me” about his relationship with his father.
Future - Hannah Montana (Fox News) will be best known for winning a Mr. Peabody Award for correctly pronouncing the first name of the current president, and conducting the first topless interview with a foreign head of state.
Inside Scoop
The Bush administration, unhappy with the recent Supreme Court decision that gave suspected terrorist detainees a right to seek their release in federal courts, is considering appealing the case to the “American Idol” judges.
Weekly Prediction
An organization representing thousands of comedy writers will demand Hillary Clinton find some reason, no matter how crazy (actually, the crazier the better), to re-enter the presidential race.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — I’m an attorney at a large law firm in Boston. It’s a pretty prestigious firm with attorneys just out of school making a base salary of over $100,000 and partners making well over $2,000,000 per year. I’m somewhere in the middle of that range. I’m not telling you that to brag. I just want to give you an idea of the what the firm is like.
In the past few months I’ve noticed that the size of one’s carbon footprint has become a huge status symbol. Everyone seems fixated on outdoing everyone else in their efforts to reduce their carbon emissions. Almost all of the partners drive $100,000-plus hybrids, people are buying carbon credits (and letting everyone else know about it), they’re bragging about how they’ve replaced all their windows and installed more energy efficient heating and cooling systems in their houses, and the firm is supporting environmental causes rather than the humanitarian charities we’ve traditionally supported.
The whole thing is making me kind of sick because I know it’s just a passing fad. When I started here everyone was trying to have the biggest condo in the best neighborhood in the city. Then it became about owning the latest luxury car. Then it was buying a big house in the best suburbs and sending your kids to the best schools. Then it was the biggest SUV. Then it was who ate the fewest carbohydrates. Now it’s all about being “green.” Essentially it’s a lot of people with too much money trying to prove how "cool" they are by being the most successful at following the current trend.
The reality, of course, is that most of it is bullshit. I don’t care how efficient your furnace is or how many carbon credits you buy, when you’re heating and cooling a 5,000-square-foot home and hiring an army of landscapers to water, mow and blow your grounds with their gas-powered tools you’re consuming a huge amount of energy.
Of course I can’t say any of that because I’m in the middle of the hierarchy and have to be politically cautious if I want to advance. So how should I respond when people try to engage me in conversation about my own efforts to reduce my impact on the planet? The reality is that my “footprint” is probably relatively small, but it’s not something I’m putting any effort into. My boyfriend and I live in a 900-square-foot condo in the city. It’s probably smaller than 90% of my colleagues’ homes. We do drive an SUV because we have two large dogs, but we only drive it when we’re taking the dogs someplace with us. The rest of the time we walk or take the subway.
I care about the environment, but I’m not going to jump on the latest bandwagon and drop $40,000 on a hybrid car just to impress people, and I think the whole carbon credit thing is a scam. It’s like, “Give me money or I’ll cut down this forest that I had no intention of cutting down in the first place.”
So how can I handle this while I wait for this latest status trend to pass?
— Carbon Unconcerned, Boston, MA
Dear Unconcerned — You’re making between $100,000 and $2,000,000 a year and you and your partner are living in a 900-square-foot condo? With two large dogs? And you have only one car? What are you? Illegal immigrants?
Spike jests, of course. If you were really illegal immigrants there’d be at least 30 of you living in the condo and the only way you’d get through the doors of a prestigious law firm would be by delivering lunch.
Hold on, Spike has to lower the air conditioner another few degrees....mmmm, that’s better. Frosty cool artificial air on a sweltering summer day...just the way God intended when he gave us opposable thumbs and the ability to exploit natural resources. Now what was that were you saying about reducing one’s impact on the environment? Ah, yes, now Spike remembers. In Spike’s opinion, the only time it’s polite to inquire about the size of someone else’s “footprint” is if you’re selling them shoes or trying to determine if they’re worth taking home for the night. Otherwise it’s just rude.
One of the reasons Spike works alone (aside from the fact that he likes to work in his underwear and doesn’t shower til late afternoon) is just so that he doesn’t have to listen to co-workers extolling their adherence to the latest trends. Did Spike eat one less carb when that was the trend? Hell no! Instead he ate everyone else’s unused carbs since they were so cheap and plentiful. Spike thinks you’re quite sensible to avoid following trends, and applauds you for your clear-eyed assessment of the dynamics at work. And way to rip on your co-workers! It’s rare to see such unmitigated contempt for one’s colleagues. No wonder you chose a career in law.
So what should you say to your colleagues when they inquire about your “green” cred? Well, obviously you can’t tell them the truth or they’ll think there’s something wrong with you. After all, why would someone choose to live like you if they have a choice? They’re going to assume that you have either a horrendous coke habit or you’re blowing your fortune on a massive collection of Franklin Mint collectible Princess Diana plates...neither of which is going to help you career-wise.
Perhaps the best way to handle things is to avoid answering directly. When dealing with more senior colleagues, a little humor could be an effective way to deflect questions. Something like, “Oh, we’re pretty much carbon-neutral since we stopped eating Mexican food.” Of course, if you’re working at Gutierrez, Gonzalez & Sanchez, LLP, that may not go over so well.
When dealing with junior colleagues just looks at them pityingly and ask, “You’re still doing that? That’s SO Al Gore!” Because that will get them thinking that they’re already behind the curve of the next status trend, thus raising you up in their esteem.
Spike hopes that helps, though frankly it was rather a silly question. In fact, it was hardly worth the carbon Spike released into the atmosphere by sighing at the stupidity while writing a response, and as a result Spike will now be forced to balance those emissions by drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels (chemical composition C2H5OH, don’t you know!).
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
Politics / Humor - The Tweeter Center for the Performing Arts in Mansfield has been renamed the Comcast Center. All shows will now begin sometime between 7:00 and 11:00 A.M. or 1:00 and 5:00 P.M.
House Speaker Sal DiMasi’s close friend and financial adviser, Richard Vitale refused to appear at a hearing to answer questions about allegations he lobbied on behalf of a group of Massachusetts ticket brokers. However, he did offer to appear after DiMasi’s close friend and pool cleaner, but before his close friend and dog walker.
Senator John F. Kerry will have a primary challenger for the first time in 24 years. Kerry says he isn’t worried, but he did ask the City of Boston to move the fire hydrant back in front of his house.
A seven-year-old Cambridge girl almost had her finger chewed off by a rat after she stuck it in a garbage can. A city spokesman said the rats couldn’t be removed because the can had been declared an official Sanctuary Disposal Container.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
With the words, “I endorse him (Barack Obama) and throw my full support behind him,” Hillary Clinton lifted a great weight off her shoulders. But why stop there? Think how much better she’d feel if she could only say:
• There ought to be a law making it legal to castrate your husband.
• Maybe if you had bought some teeth and stopped hanging out in this bar, your trailer wouldn’t have been repossessed.
• I’d let Bill date a dozen Playboy Playmates if I could change my vote on the Iraq War.
• The most relaxing day Chelsea and I ever had was when we landed in Bosnia.
• “Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it has about 18 million cracks in it and the light is shining through like never before.” But frankly, right now I could give a rat’s ass. I need a drink.
At a lunch during the North Carolina Republican Party convention, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee performed the Heimlich maneuver on Robert Pittenger, the Republican candidate for lieutenant governor. A humble Huckabee said it was no different from trying to squeeze a contribution out of a campaign donor.
The Democratic National Committee, adopting Barack Obama’s fundraising rules, returned about $100,000 in money from lobbyists and political action committees -- but not before wishing it a tearful farewell.
Iowa Sen. Charles Grassley wants to know why liver transplant operations have been performed by U.C.L.A. Medical Center on four Japanese gangsters. Grassley added: “I can think of at least 20 blood-thirsty criminals in my state who are just as deserving of those organs.”
Small Street Journal
The price of oil shot up almost $11 a barrel on Friday. In a related story, GM introduced its new horse-drawn Hummer.
Media Bites
Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on TV, discovered a dead body floating on the Potomac River in Washington. The lifeless figure was first thought to be the Clinton presidential campaign.
Inside Scoop
Like Barack Obama, John McCain is expected to conduct a 50-state presidential campaign, starting with the states of confusion, befuddlement, and panic.
Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will finally agree to take part in town hall debates with John McCain after a questioner falls to his death from a trapeze during a standard CNN debate.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli Jr. being charged with attempting to inappropriately touch a woman on a park bench in Lowell, giving a false name to police, and fleeing from officers can mean only one thing: Republicans still have no chance at winning his seat.
New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur was arrested in April on a charge of illegal possession of prescription painkillers. He then secretly helped the federal Drug Enforcement Administration in a sting operation. Officials also offered thanks to Kaczur’s coach Bill Belichick for the use of his video camera.
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has offered to let a small Indian Catholic community move into a closed Framingham parish. A grateful Indian official commented, “Now we’re going to show them how you really do Bingo.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Menino suspended his Department of Public Works Chief Dennis Royer for three weeks after it was revealed that Royer allowed a systems analyst to telecommute from her family’s home in Venezuela for 15 weeks. He was also docked two weeks sleep.
Police killed a bear roaming through a Worcester neighborhood. State wildlife officials speculate the bear was heading for an electrolysis appointment at Elizabeth Grady.
This day in history, 1863 - The Boston Herald received its first letter to the editor in response to its story about Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address:
“Hey Abe, where’s my property tax relief? – Josiah, Woburn”
Jim Ogonowski, who is challenging US Senator John F. Kerry, came up 82 signatures short of qualifying for the GOP primary ballot. He blamed it on the fact that hard-working Americans are losing their signatures to illegal aliens.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama was finally forced to resign his 20-year membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago after inflammatory remarks by a visiting priest, Rev. Michael Pfleger. It is truly an outrage and disappointment, given the solid lineup of upcoming clergy:
June 1-15: You won’t want to miss the caustic stylings of JDL funnyman Rabbi Shlomo Kahane. “He puts the fun into fundamental!” – Temple Agudas Achim newsletter
June 20: One night only! - Let’s get ready to rumble (but in a non-threatening way) with Unitarian Liberation minister, Zack Billington.
July 1-7: Seeing is believing! Watch Benedictine Monk/hypnotist “The Amazing Brother Guevara” place congregants in a trance and then convince them to act like chickens while redistributing their wealth.
July 15-20: Get some of that old time religion when Magician and mail order minister Michael Blaine attempts to baptize filmmaker Michael Moore in a giant vat of A.1. Steak Sauce.
July 28: The event a the Year! - Voodoo priest Father Jacque ‘N Awe narrows the Democratic presidential race down to one by sticking 50 needles into a Hillary Clinton doll.
Democratic Party leaders agreed to seat Michigan and Florida delegates with half-votes at their summer convention. Essentially, this means delegates will be able to vote for Bar Oba or Hil Clin.
As a result of the Democratic Party’s compromise, Hillary Clinton has been left with very little chance of winning and a growing addiction to alcohol.
John McCain said it was a mistake to use a picture of Gen. David Petraeus in his fundraising material, and it “will not happen again.” He made the announcement while channeling his new honorary campaign chairman, Ulysses S. Grant.
Small Street Journal
United Airlines and US Airways announced they will not merge, thus killing any chances of forming the world’s biggest money-losing airline.
Media Bites
A Fox News employee is suing her company claiming she suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder after being bitten by bedbugs at work, proving once again that women will do anything to avoid saying they slept with Bill O’Reilly.
Inside Scoop
Barack Obama realized he didn’t have a chance to win the Puerto Rico Primary after reading news reports of the 100,000-guy “Cabana Boys for Hillary” rally.
Weekly Prediction
John McCain will suffer a minor back injury while attempting to lift his medical records.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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