Carbon-Upsmanship
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
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Dear Spike — I’m an attorney at a large law firm in Boston. It’s a pretty prestigious firm with attorneys just out of school making a base salary of over $100,000 and partners making well over $2,000,000 per year. I’m somewhere in the middle of that range. I’m not telling you that to brag. I just want to give you an idea of the what the firm is like.
In the past few months I’ve noticed that the size of one’s carbon footprint has become a huge status symbol. Everyone seems fixated on outdoing everyone else in their efforts to reduce their carbon emissions. Almost all of the partners drive $100,000-plus hybrids, people are buying carbon credits (and letting everyone else know about it), they’re bragging about how they’ve replaced all their windows and installed more energy efficient heating and cooling systems in their houses, and the firm is supporting environmental causes rather than the humanitarian charities we’ve traditionally supported.
The whole thing is making me kind of sick because I know it’s just a passing fad. When I started here everyone was trying to have the biggest condo in the best neighborhood in the city. Then it became about owning the latest luxury car. Then it was buying a big house in the best suburbs and sending your kids to the best schools. Then it was the biggest SUV. Then it was who ate the fewest carbohydrates. Now it’s all about being “green.” Essentially it’s a lot of people with too much money trying to prove how "cool" they are by being the most successful at following the current trend.
The reality, of course, is that most of it is bullshit. I don’t care how efficient your furnace is or how many carbon credits you buy, when you’re heating and cooling a 5,000-square-foot home and hiring an army of landscapers to water, mow and blow your grounds with their gas-powered tools you’re consuming a huge amount of energy.
Of course I can’t say any of that because I’m in the middle of the hierarchy and have to be politically cautious if I want to advance. So how should I respond when people try to engage me in conversation about my own efforts to reduce my impact on the planet? The reality is that my “footprint” is probably relatively small, but it’s not something I’m putting any effort into. My boyfriend and I live in a 900-square-foot condo in the city. It’s probably smaller than 90% of my colleagues’ homes. We do drive an SUV because we have two large dogs, but we only drive it when we’re taking the dogs someplace with us. The rest of the time we walk or take the subway.
I care about the environment, but I’m not going to jump on the latest bandwagon and drop $40,000 on a hybrid car just to impress people, and I think the whole carbon credit thing is a scam. It’s like, “Give me money or I’ll cut down this forest that I had no intention of cutting down in the first place.”
So how can I handle this while I wait for this latest status trend to pass?
— Carbon Unconcerned, Boston, MA
Dear Unconcerned — You’re making between $100,000 and $2,000,000 a year and you and your partner are living in a 900-square-foot condo? With two large dogs? And you have only one car? What are you? Illegal immigrants?
Spike jests, of course. If you were really illegal immigrants there’d be at least 30 of you living in the condo and the only way you’d get through the doors of a prestigious law firm would be by delivering lunch.
Hold on, Spike has to lower the air conditioner another few degrees....mmmm, that’s better. Frosty cool artificial air on a sweltering summer day...just the way God intended when he gave us opposable thumbs and the ability to exploit natural resources. Now what was that were you saying about reducing one’s impact on the environment? Ah, yes, now Spike remembers. In Spike’s opinion, the only time it’s polite to inquire about the size of someone else’s “footprint” is if you’re selling them shoes or trying to determine if they’re worth taking home for the night. Otherwise it’s just rude.
One of the reasons Spike works alone (aside from the fact that he likes to work in his underwear and doesn’t shower til late afternoon) is just so that he doesn’t have to listen to co-workers extolling their adherence to the latest trends. Did Spike eat one less carb when that was the trend? Hell no! Instead he ate everyone else’s unused carbs since they were so cheap and plentiful. Spike thinks you’re quite sensible to avoid following trends, and applauds you for your clear-eyed assessment of the dynamics at work. And way to rip on your co-workers! It’s rare to see such unmitigated contempt for one’s colleagues. No wonder you chose a career in law.
So what should you say to your colleagues when they inquire about your “green” cred? Well, obviously you can’t tell them the truth or they’ll think there’s something wrong with you. After all, why would someone choose to live like you if they have a choice? They’re going to assume that you have either a horrendous coke habit or you’re blowing your fortune on a massive collection of Franklin Mint collectible Princess Diana plates...neither of which is going to help you career-wise.
Perhaps the best way to handle things is to avoid answering directly. When dealing with more senior colleagues, a little humor could be an effective way to deflect questions. Something like, “Oh, we’re pretty much carbon-neutral since we stopped eating Mexican food.” Of course, if you’re working at Gutierrez, Gonzalez & Sanchez, LLP, that may not go over so well.
When dealing with junior colleagues just looks at them pityingly and ask, “You’re still doing that? That’s SO Al Gore!” Because that will get them thinking that they’re already behind the curve of the next status trend, thus raising you up in their esteem.
Spike hopes that helps, though frankly it was rather a silly question. In fact, it was hardly worth the carbon Spike released into the atmosphere by sighing at the stupidity while writing a response, and as a result Spike will now be forced to balance those emissions by drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels (chemical composition C2H5OH, don’t you know!).
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
