Political Shorts – 45
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has come up with a sure-fire way to solve our energy crisis: He has proposed a $300 million prize to anyone who can develop a technologically-advanced battery capable of powering a car or George Foreman cooking device. But why stop there? There are so many other problems that could be solved with cash prizes:
• $600 million to the first person who can lead the entire Middle East in a sing-along version of “What the World Needs Now is Love”• $200 million to end illegal immigration by convincing unemployed stockbrokers to pick lettuce, bus tables, and clean toilets
• $800 million to develop a giant dehumidifier capable of drying out the Midwest
• $500 million to invent a way of cloning rich people willing to bail out any relative who took out a subprime loan
• $1 trillion to invent a health care payment that’s less painful than the procedure it’s paying for
John McCain and Barack Obama spent the weekend arguing over whose heart went out the most for Midwest flood victims. Obama was building a comfortable lead in concerned hugs until someone stole his wallet.
A 22-year-old Miami Beach man, who somehow got a $298 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the Afghan army, was charged with fraud after it was learned he delivered defective Chinese gun cartridges that were more than 40 years old. He said he hopes prosecutors take into consideration he was also holding down a part-time job at Starbucks.
Bill Clinton has yet to endorse Barack Obama. Said the former president, “I need to know how he would handle a crisis situation. Your wife unexpectedly enters the Oval office. What do you do first: hide the intern or pull up your pants?”
Small Street Journal
A Japanese toy maker plans to sell a portable karaoke machine small enough (an almost three-inch cube) that can be taken anywhere. In a related story, American Airlines announced it will begin selling rope to strangle obnoxious co-passengers.
Media Bites
Al Roker will be hosting “Celebrity Family Feud” on NBC. The highlight episode will be the Kim Basinger / Alec Baldwin no-holds-barred death match.
Inside Scoop
Had Hillary Clinton won the Democratic presidential nomination, husband Bill planned to prepare for life as a background player by touring as one of Gladys Knight’s Pips.
Weekly Prediction
If Barack Obama feels he’s not getting sufficient Jewish support by September, he will hire at least two more Jewish advisors and one mohel.
