Political Shorts – 46
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
In the first major pronouncement on gun rights in U.S. history, the Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense and hunting. Here are just some of the wonderful ways this ruling will affect your life:
• Disputes can now be easily settled with pistols at 20 paces.• “Pop a cap in your ass” moves from urban phrase to a team-building exercise.
• The five justices who voted in favor of this ruling now have something else to play with under their robes.
• Lower ratio of mullets to guns.
• New express line at Wal-Mart: 10 Weapons or Fewer.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will make their first joint campaign appearance in Unity, New Hampshire, although Clinton had first suggested Chilmark, Massachusetts.
When asked about bringing back the military draft, John McCain said, “I don't know what would make a draft happen unless we were in an all-out World War III.” In which case, all young men and woman would be required to scour the nuclear rubble for their local draft board.
Log Cabin Republican President Patrick Sammon confirmed that his conservative gay organization has “had a series of productive meetings with the [McCain] campaign since Sen. McCain won the nomination.” McCain said he welcomes their support, but still reserves the right to say, “I thought ‘gay’ meant happy.”
Small Street Journal
Ford shares hit a 52-week low. Business has been so bad for so long the company has updated its slogan to “Have you ever driven a Ford?”
Media Bites
Ben Affleck will serve as an ABC “Nightline” Correspondent in the Congo – which raises an important question: Wasn’t Scarlett Johanssen available?
Inside Scoop
Accusing Barack Obama of trying to “talk white” was the first and last advice Ralph Nader took from his new advisor, Don Cornelius.
Weekly Prediction
John McCain will cement his reputation as the green candidate after an undercooked serving of Parmesan Crusted Tilapia turns his skin olive drab.
