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Politics / Humor - Is Barack Obama, as a new McCain attack ad suggests, a lightweight celebrity like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton? Or could the opposite be true? Are Britney and Paris bleach blonde brainiacs?
Think about it. Hillary Clinton, a brilliant woman, lost her only run for president. Britney and Paris have yet to lose. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright failed to bring peace to the Middle East. Britney and Paris’ foreign policy records are unblemished.
Maybe it’s time to give Barack Obama credit for walking among giants. John McCain should be honored for his service to his country, but does he have the right stuff to be president? After all, he's never made a sex video in a hotel or exposed his genitalia while staggering out of a car.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Tom Menino is furious about the firefighter disability scams and is not going to take it any longer. The mayor, a master of the shutting-the-barn-door-after-the-horse-is-gone style of governing, vows to end this shameful practice. But this is just the beginning:
• Menino promises to fine Paul Revere for operating a lantern in the Old North Church without a fire permit.
• The mayor says he will not sleep until the hooligans who disrupted 1918 Red Sox World Series celebration are apprehended.
• As of September 15, citizens will not be allowed to graze their cattle on the Boston Common without a permit.
• The mayor also promises to launch a full investigation of why the Inspector of Cattle Grazing hasn’t showed up for work in 196 years.
• Finally, Menino has appointed a special prosecutor who will, once and for all, find out who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
The Massachusetts House of Representatives gave initial approval to a bill that would require all legislation be written in a gender neutral language. The bill was sponsored by Representatives Pat Jones, Lee Smith, and Terry Harper.
Jeff Beatty, the Republican challenger to Sen. John Kerry believes that if John McCain picks Mitt Romney to be his running mate, the GOP will carry Massachusetts in November -- and drive Beatty’s numbers up into the single digits.
The Mass Pike will not use prison labor to lower its operating costs. However, it will continue to use escaped convicts as toll takers.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama attracting a crowd of more than 200,000 people is impressive. To put it in perspective, here are the only ways John McCain could draw an audience as large:
• Watch John McCain attempt to jump the Snake River Canyon in his Straight Talk Express!
• John McCain’s Early Bird Special of the Century: All the Au Gratin Potatoes You Can Eat!
• Listen to John McCain speak and win a free iPhone!
• Tonight, John McCain talks about buying real estate with no money down!
• John McCain and Madonna like you’ve never seen them!
The Russian Foreign Ministry criticized President Bush for equating Nazi fascism with Soviet communism. Bush responded by noting, “Hey, I’m not the one who voted for Adolph Stalin.”
Barack Obama said he’ll base his choice of vice president on the ability to govern, not geography. A disappointed Senator Evan Bayh said, “Damn, I just spent the past month memorizing state capitols!”
In his party's weekly radio address, Democratic Sen. Jack Reed said America can’t afford to write “blank check after blank check” to pay for the Iraq war. He added, “We need those blank checks to pay for farm subsidies.”
Barack Obama thinks he can actually win some Red states. In fact, his campaign’s motto in Alabama is: No, seriously, I’m running for president.
Small Street Journal
The housing bill expected to be signed by President Bush would provide mortgage relief to thousands of Americans. The bill would also make it a felony for any recipient to appear on Bravo’s “Flipping Out.”
Media Bites
Federal regulators approved the merger of Sirius and XM, the nation's only two satellite radio operators after receiving assurances that both company’s Uzbecki hip hop shows would remain separate.
Inside Scoop
John McCain’s media consultants pulled the plug on a “Morning in America” type ad after their candidate insisted they add the line, “Please pass the prunes.”
Weekly Prediction
MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann will be placed on medical leave after developing a condition that causes him to get an erection whenever he says “Barack Obama.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - John McCain says President Bush’s lifting of a ban on offshore drilling is the reason the price of oil has recently dropped $10-a-barrel. The psychology of lifting the ban, McCain argues, has affected world markets.
Is that how it works? You get elected president; practically every decision you make in eight years is wrong; in the twilight of your stay in office, you issue an order that will not increase oil production by one drop; and the impact of your action sends shivers down OPEC’s spine? That may be difficult when you lack White House cred with even the guy who fixes the Oval Office copy machine.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli refuses to step down after being arrested for a series of peculiar sexual incidents. Once again, a politician has put his supporters in the position of holding their noses in silence. It’s hard to defend Marzilli staying in office and collecting a salary. But if you have to, try these explanations with your conservative friends:
• Sure he could quit, but that Prius isn’t going to pay for itself.
• The man is an inspiration for all bipolar politicians who have attacked numerous women.
• There are lots of ways to serve your constituents -- for example, spending 24/7 in psychiatric lockdown.
• Are you telling me you never called in sick for ten months?
• He’s not absent. He’s participating in a highly medicated civic engagement.
Boston firefighter Albert Arroyo, who competed in the International Natural Bodybuilding & Fitness competition in May despite being “permanently disabled” from a work-related back injury, has been ordered back to work. Arroyo announced he has begun training for next year’s International Sleazeball Employee Bodybuilding & Fitness competition.
The Mexican government announced it will honor Sen. Edward Kennedy for his defense of immigrant rights. In a related story, Lou Dobbs has been placed on a 24 hour suicide watch.
State Treasurer Timothy Cahill has proposed cities and towns use off-the-shelf building designs to cut school-project costs -- or as he’s calling it: One size detention room fits all.
The New England Patriots Charitable Foundation and the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston are sponsoring a workshop that will give financially stressed homeowners the opportunity to sit down with lenders in an attempt to broker solutions. The number one solution: Don’t mortgage your house trying to buy Patriots tickets.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
By now you’re familiar with the New Yorker cover depicting Barack and Michelle Obama as radical Muslims -- the fist bumping, the burning flag in the fireplace, Michelle’s Afro hairstyle and ammo belt, and so on. A closer look, however, reveals even more insidious items.
• A lapel on Obama’s robe with no American flag pin
• A rug vacuumed by an undocumented Guatemalan maid
• A note reminding President Obama of his meeting with Secretary of State Michael Moore
• A chair which in 20 minutes will contain a restrained Jesse Jackson begging to keep his testicles
• An exorbitant $4.50 price for newsstands and anyone who has recited the Pledge of Allegiance within the past 24 hours
While in Michigan, John McCain pledged to help rebuild the auto industry -- even if it means rebuilding it in Mexico.
A groundbreaking interfaith conference held in Madrid ended on a sour note when the Muslims and Jews could not agree from which delicatessen to order lunch.
President Bush has agreed upon a time “horizon" for bringing more troops back from Iraq. He added, “Horizon is the best plan, although we could’ve gotten free HBO with Comcast.”
Polls show that Barack Obama’s backers are more enthusiastic about their candidate than John McCain’s. However, John McCain’s backers are more enthusiastic about a McCain / Romney ticket that also includes dinner and an Elvis impersonator.
Small Street Journal
Texas has given preliminary approval for a $4.9 billion plan to build new transmission lines to carry wind-generated electricity from West Texas to urban areas. Until the infrastructure is completed, power will be generated by thousands minimum wage workers rubbing their feet on a giant carpet.
Media Bites
Al Gore addressed a crowd at the Netroots Nation conference in Austin, Texas. He received a standing ovation and invitations to stay in hundreds of parents’ basements.
Inside Scoop
Barack Obama was shocked to learn that the Afghani translation for “Change we can believe in” is “’Happy Days’ is my favorite TV show.’”
Weekly Prediction
Evangelical Christians will rally behind John McCain after a 13-year-old girl from Colorado Springs claims to see an image of the Virgin Mary on his forehead.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - The E.P.A. plans on banning boaters from emptying waste into Cape Cod Bay. Landfills expect to see an increase of cans, paper, and gamblers unable to pay off their loans.
Gov. Deval Patrick signed a $28.1 billion budget for the new fiscal year, while vetoing $122.5 million from the Legislature's spending plan – including a Slight of Hand seminar for Mass. Turnpike toll takers.
Framingham plans to redevelop potentially contaminated industrial sites. Some possible uses are:
• Up Chuck E. Cheese
• No Balance Shoe Outlet
• Radiation Shack
• Bed, Bath & Barf
• Illegal Seafood
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s progressive supporters are feeling nervous and disappointed about their man’s drift to the center. Drastic measures are needed to left his boat. Here are a few suggestions:
• Get an “I ♥ Noam Chomsky” tattoo
• Promise to appoint a Secretary of Composting
• Play at least one game of Ultimate Frisbee with Keith Olbermann
• Pledge to blog at least one State of the Union address
• Confess to having indecent thoughts about Arianna Huffington
Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, has endorsed Barack Obama. The McCain Campaign immediately announced their candidate had been endorsed by Miss 13 Colonies.
John McCain strongly disagreed with his economic advisor, former Texas Senator Phil Graham, who called Americans “whiners” for complaining about the economy. As a matter of precaution, McCain also said he disagreed with for his homeless orphans advisor.
The Bush administration dismissed the recommendations of its top experts and rejected regulating greenhouse gases because it would negatively affect the U.S. economy. And a nation thanks them for keeping it humming along.
Small Street Journal
Technical problems have plagued the launch of Apple’s new iPhone. The company is hoping customers can be patient until the new upgrade model goes on sale next week.
Media Bites
Magazine ad sales have fallen 8.2 percent in the second quarter. To save money, Vogue’s new perfume ads will be scratch but not sniff.
Inside Scoop
Rep. Charles Rangel has a fifth rent-controlled apartment in which he keeps hotel towels, robes, and glasses.
Weekly Prediction
John McCain will run out of advisors before Labor Day.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Barack Obama has widened his lead in Massachusetts over John McCain. On the bright side for the Republican candidate, McCain has pulled even with Grace Ross.
Secretary of State William Galvin certified 12,000 signatures on a petition to put the initiative to abolish the state income tax on the ballot. In a related move, the Legislature voted to abolish the words “initiative” and “ballot.”
The Massachusetts Republican Party held its annual Lincoln Reagan Dinner. Why is it called “Lincoln Reagan?” Probably for the same reason it's called “Sweet and Sour.”
Convenience store tycoon Christy Mihos is talking about running for governor again – a daring move for someone whose chances are Slim Jim to none.
Massachusetts’ new renewable energy bill requires utility companies to offer rebates and incentives for customers who upgrade lighting and air conditioning systems. During summer months, obscene phone callers will also be awarded rebates for heavy breathing with a mouthful of ice cubes.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has been endorsed by one of his Vietnamese jailors during his five-year imprisonment at the “Hanoi Hilton.” McCain also has been endorsed by the group, “Bataan Death March Guards for Truth.”
Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton will have a series of fundraisers in New York next week. Each Obama and Clinton event will follow a steel-cage death match between “Macho Man” Randy Savage and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin,
Barack Obama spent the Fourth of July with his family in Montana – a favorite vacation spot for Muslim presidential candidates who refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
Fighting to get his campaign in gear, John McCain said, “This is a tough race. We are behind. We are the underdog. That's what I like to be.” McCain also reminded reporters his best pickup line as a teenager was, “I have no money. I have bad breath. I have a small penis. Would you like to have sex in my VW Bug?”
President Bush defended his decision to attend the Beijing Olympics Opening: “My tickets are nonrefundable.”
Small Street Journal
Oil companies are now lining up to drill off the Florida coast. In fact, one company is now testing a portable drilling rig that fits on the back of a Cuban refugee doing the breast stroke.
Media Bites
Rush Limbaugh signed a $400 Million contract. To celebrate, he bought his staff a free round of Vicodin.
Inside Scoop
Poland rejected a U.S. offer to boost its air defenses when it realized it would also have to install the Google Toolbar and pay for six months of technical support.
Weekly Prediction
On Election Night, Jesse Helms will rise from his grave and proclaim, “A black man is taking a job away from a more qualified candidate.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
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