Politics / Humor - MBTA general manager Dan Grabauskas gave nine percent raises to 240 executive employees one week after warning that a financial crisis could cause a hefty fare increase in 2010. Here are some better ways to pay for the salary increases:

• The new Charlie Scratch Card.
• Corporate sponsorship of subway station urine smell.
• Increase efficiency by appointing Dominos Pizza in charge of scheduling.
• Pari-mutuel subway rodent racing.
• Appoint John Buonomo in charge of payroll. He always knows where to find some extra cash.

This weekend was Massachusetts’ annual tax holiday in which the state’s five percent sales tax is suspended. It’s the one weekend each year you can get bargains on electronic equipment, clothes, and politicians.

Gov. Deval Patrick is scheduled to speak on the second night of the Democratic National Convention. He will speak glowingly of his friend Barack Obama and propose that all military troops in Iraq be replaced with civilian flaggers.

The Boston Public Library board of trustees chose Amy E. Ryan as its new president of the city's library system. Ryan thanked the board for their support -- then told them to keep their voices down.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:01 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite a weak economy, dissatisfaction with the war in Iraq, and an opponent viewed by many Republicans as not even the next Michael Reagan, Barack Obama is not pulling ahead of John McCain in the polls. Here are some possible reasons why he can’t close the deal:

• His campaign slogan is too vague. How about “Spare Change We Can Believe In”?
• Many people still believe he’s a Muslim. Why not split the difference and admit to being Jewish?
• Wife Michelle is perceived as a bit uppity. Assuming Barack can’t shake the Muslim thing, it may be burka time.
• Barack Obama doesn’t have a prisoner of war story, but it’s not too late to make the connection between summer camp and post traumatic stress syndrome.
• It’s possible America is not ready for a black president, but who knows; with Obama’s vast extended family, it might vote for a candidate who is a distant relative of George Hamilton.

A spokesman for Barack Obama said Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who is facing eight felony charges in a perjury case and two felony charges in an assault case, is not welcome at the Democratic convention in Denver. A disappointed Kilpatrick said he was looking forward to the party’s annual black tie and orange jumpsuit dinner.

President Bush has raised $70 million for the Republican Party this year. That total is expected to grow after he hosts another one of his “No One Will Ever Know You Were in the Same Room With Me” affairs.

In her party’s weekly radio address, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she might be willing to open portions of the Outer Continental Shelf for oil drilling -- but only if the rigs are manned by gender neutral crews.

Small Street Journal
Wal-Mart has been accused by labor-rights groups of unlawfully pressuring employees to vote against Democrats because their party helps workers unionize. Wal-Mart denied the charges saying it unlawfully pressures employees to vote against Democrats because their party discourages workers from buying crappy merchandise.

Media Bites
Formerly top-secret records of the World War II Office of Strategic Services (which later became the CIA) reveal that TV chef Julia Child spied for the U.S. She was also the first agent to smuggle documents in a PBS tote bag.

Inside Scoop
John McCain is not concerned about having less money than Barack Obama since he can make up the difference with senior citizen discounts.

Weekly Prediction
Barack Obama will have second thoughts about asking Joe Biden to be his running mate after Biden takes three hours to thank him.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:55 PM

Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.

Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.

Dear Spike — This is probably going to sound really retarded, but after 6 years of dating guys I’ve come to the realization that I’m actually straight. All my life I’ve been pretty slight and kind of artsy, and in high school all of the jocks called me a fag. Then when I got to college I met some actual gay guys and really liked hanging out with them. I loved going to gay bars and dancing and I found myself emotionally attracted to some of the guys. Because I’d never dated any women I just figured that meant I really was gay so I started dating guys. I had a lot of relationships and really enjoyed them, and sexually I wasn’t turned off, though in retrospect I can’t say that I was really turned on by other guys body’s either. I think I was mainly turned on because I was having sex and somebody was making me feel good.

Anyway, about 2 months ago I met this woman, Neely, who was friends with a guy I used to date. She’s really smart and funny and we hit it off right away. I guess I figured she was sort of my fag hag, but as we spent more time together I realized that I was starting to develop strong feelings for her and even began to fantasize about her sexually. One night we were at my apartment drinking and I admitted what I was feeling and she asked me if I wanted to try it. I don’t think either of us were thinking of it as more than an experiment, but as soon as I saw her naked it was just amazing. It wasn’t like sex with guys. For the first time I was really being turned on by the other person. I loved the way she looked and smelled and felt. It was truly life-altering because it made me realize that I was actually straight.

Now I want to pursue a relationship with Neely but she’s feeling uncertain about things because of my past. She’s worried that maybe my attraction to her is just a fluke and that in a few months I’ll want to go back to guys. I understand her feelings but I know in my heart that I won’t go back. I don’t regret my past relationships but what I feel for her is so much stronger than anything I felt for my boyfriends.

Do you think I’m kidding myself or does this happen with some guys? I feel kind of stupid that I never thought to question whether I was really gay or not before, but I think that emotionally I didn’t mature as quickly as other people so it took me until my mid-twenties to figure out who I actually am. I’m really in love with Neely so how do I make her understand that this is for real?

— Jackson, Cambridge, MA

Dear Jackson — First of all, we don’t use the R-word around here because it’s insensitive. We use the term “mentaly challenged in a way that can be really funny when you watch them try to do normal things.” And while we’re discussing (sort of) all the hoopla over the use of the R-word in Ben Stiller’s new movie, “Tropic Thunder,” where are all the outcries about the use of the F-word? The character played by Jack Black is known for a series of comedies about an obese, flatulent family called “The Fatties.” How offensive is THAT? Spike knows some actual fat people and he’s certain that they’re quite hurt. Where’s the righteous protest from all the fat people? Oh that’s right, they were organizing one but unfortunately it was located next to a Wendy’s and the whole thing just fell apart.

Anyway, Jackson, can you be certain that you’re not really gay and that your feelings for Neely are real? Let’s see:
• You want to date a woman named Neely... as in Neely “Valley of the Dolls” O’Hara.
• You call yourself Jackson instead of Jack.
• You’ve smoked more sausage than Hickory Farms.

Oh hell no, you aren’t TOO gay, Jackson!

But Spike jests, of course. Is it possible that you were gay by default because you never thought to wonder if you actually preferred chicks? Sure, why not? Seems to happen the other way all the time if you believe the tabloids. Jim McGreavey? “Thought I was straight...until I met a hot Israeli dude and named him Homeland Security Advisor.” Cynthia Nixon? “Thought I was straight...until I met Christine ‘I Make Janet Reno Look Like Pamela Anderson’ Marinoni...which might mean I’m still straight.” Anne Heche? “Thought I was straight, realized I was gay....oops, but now I realize I’m actually straight again.” Clay Aiken? Oh God, where do we begin?

Seems perfectly plausible to Spike that you mistakenly assumed you were gay...so long as you were completely lacking in self-awareness and emotional maturity (the latter part to which you admit). And that’s actually the real issue here, Jackson. It’s not whether you’re straight or gay. It’s whether you are actually mature enough and have enough self-awareness to be in a relationship.

If you say that you’re sure that a woman is what you really want then Spike believes you. You seem to recognize the difference in what you felt with men compared to what you feel with Neely. Plus you "entered the forbidden triangle" and lived to tell the tale. That place is like kryptonite to real gay men. But given how recent your realization is—and that it came about essentially by chance rather than careful self-examination—Spike questions whether you’re ready to be in a mature relationship yet. To borrow from the final episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” you’re still cookie dough, and maybe someday with time you’ll become an actual cookie and be ready to share your hot melty goodness with someone else, but right now probably isn’t the time. Think of it like being in AA or Narc Anon: you’ve kicked that nasty butt sex jones, but it’s going to take some time to adjust to your new life as a breeder.

Do Neeley a favor and be patient. It’s going to take a while to re-acclimate yourself to life as a straight guy. You’re going to have to get a bad haircut, grow a pot belly, get some Dockers and ugly shoes, cancel your subscriptions to “Details” and “Martha Stewart Living,” undecorate your apartment, develop an incomprehensible fascination with mechanical gadgets. The list is endless and could take years. Plus, for all you know you may turn into as much of a straight whore as you apparently were when you were queer, and Neely certainly doesn’t deserve that.

So ciao for now,
Spike

DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.

Posted by Spike at 10:48 AM

Mass. Media / Politics

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 02:43 PM

Politics / Humor -
John Buonomo, the Middlesex register of probate, who was caught on videotape stealing thousands of dollars from copy and change machines at the Registry of Deeds, is still running for reelection. Here are some possible campaign slogans:

• It’s not easy having an evil identical twin.
• At least they didn’t videotape me photocopying my bare ass.
• My name is John Buonomo and I’m a sleepwalker.
• Lesser registers of probate would’ve claimed they strained their backs lifting the cash and applied for disability.
• Where’s the video of me making a fresh pot of coffee every morning?

A group of vandals broke into Plimoth Plantation, damaged fencing, and stole beaver pelts and furs. Authorities are warning citizens to be on the lookout for anyone trading animal hides for maize.

Gov. Patrick is moving forward with a plan to replace some paid police details with civilian flaggers. However, some issues need to be worked out:

• Who will train the flaggers to drink coffee and talk on their cell phones?
• Will flaggers get a bump in pay if they earn a Masters degree in flagging techniques?
• When hiring flaggers, will preference be given to former fan dancers?
• Can out-of-state gay illegal immigrants be flaggers?
• Should drivers be required to salute the flaggers?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:34 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John Edwards’s ex-mistress refuses to participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. However, there are other ways to determine if Edwards is the father:

• Is the child naturally drawn to mirrors?
• Does she become increasingly egocentric and narcissistic when she needs a nap?
• Were her first words something about there being two daycare centers?
• Has she asked her mother to build her a 25,000-square-foot nursery?
• Did she request to be burped on “Nightline”?

• He didn’t meet Rielle Hunter in an airport restroom.
• He can now throw caution to the wind and switch cream rinses.
• Things could have been much worse; he could’ve gone with Paris Hilton’s videographer.
• He can now use his real picture on Match.com
• There will always be desperate single women who will fall for his “Can I borrow your hair brush?” line.

Small Street Journal
Moving companies in North Carolina are bidding on the state’s biggest contract in years: moving John Edwards’ belongings from his bedroom to his den.

Media Bites
It’s easy to question whether mainstream journalists should’ve been more on top of the John Edwards’ mistress story. Keep in mind, however, this would have required pulling valuable resources off the “Did Hillary really cry?” and “Is Obama an elitist?” stories.

Inside Scoop
The National Enquirer decided to go with the John Edwards, Rielle Hunter story after it failed to verify a source for its Ron Paul, Big Foot story.

Weekly Prediction
John Edwards will be staggered by a tranquilizer gun while attempting to enter the Democratic Convention in Denver.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:03 PM

Humor / Politics - Forty eight percent of people who responded to a recent poll said they're hearing too much about Barack Obama. This can mean only one thing: Pollsters are running out of questions.

The Pew Research Center which conducted the survey is starting to come up dry. It’s only the beginning of August and pollsters haven't a thing to ask. Perhaps like comedy writers, they’re sitting on a ton of Hillary Clinton material they’ll never get to use. And to think a gem like “Could you support a president with thick ankles?” may never see the light of day.

We can’t blame it all on pollsters. The endless campaign cycle uses up everyone’s best material. People were tired of Chris Mathews asking, “Barack or Hillary?” before the primary season even began. An endless supply of talking heads has failed to come up with anything more original than “I think I’m having a heart attack, Wolf.”

Unfortunately for Barack Obama, he’s carrying this show -- even if the National Enquirer can dig up some compromising pictures of John McCain and Angela Lansbury playing naked shuffleboard. With less than 100 days until the election, pollsters will stretch for those last few Barack Obama questions, the kind that enable voters to make an “educated” choice:

Would you buy a wireless service plan from Barack Obama?

Who would you rather have for a roommate: Superman, Joseph Stalin, or Barack Obama?

Would you like Barack Obama more or less if you knew he always uses a salad fork?

After that, it’s our turn to decide. Which man would be a great president and which man have we been hearing too much about?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 04:38 PM

Humor / Politics - It’s easy to understand why Iraq has accumulated a massive amount of money from oil export revenues -- an estimated 79.3 billion dollars -- but is spending so little of it. Its hesitancy may have something to do with paying KBR vendors a half million dollars to fix a Mr. Coffee machine.

Seventy nine billion dollars may seem like a lot but not when you’ve been paying American contractors a hundred dollars for bite-size Snickers bars. Americans grip their hearts before looking at how much the plumber charged for snaking their toilet. Can you imagine the estimate for stopping raw sewerage that’s been flowing down your street the past six years?

I have no idea what a plumber in Baghdad charges these days, but if it’s half as much as what Haliburton plumbers have been charging the United States taxpayers, it’s no wonder Iraqis are willing to jiggle their toilet handles and hope for the best.

Iraq will eventually tire of periodic electrical service but only when it can find a reasonably-priced electrician to do the work -- preferably someone who doesn’t electrocute his customers.

Americans can afford only so many four-dollar cups of Starbucks coffee in these hard economic times. Is it any wonder Iraq is in no hurry to pay for a thousand-dollar Blackwater smoke detector?

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:15 PM

Humor - Barack Obama has a problem: How does a candidate whose campaign is based on hope and inspiration respond to his opponent’s mudslinging? More hope and inspiration isn’t going to cut it, but hopeful and inspirational mudslinging may do the trick.

Barack Obama for President ad: “Hometown Philanderer” -- (Barack Obama voiceover, patriotic music over footage of John McCain):

Abraham Lincoln talked about a time when our nation would “again” be “touched…by the better angels of our nature.” John McCain too longs for a time when he won’t feel the impulse to touch nubile females named Angel -- or Candi or Crystal.

America honors Senator John McCain, just as we honor any sex addict who chooses to serve his country as a last ditch attempt to redirect his depraved impulses.

The United States was built on hope, and although I never hope to see the day when my wife finds herself trapped alone in a room with John McCain, our nation can also hope that one day he will seek the help he so desperately needs.

I’m Barack Obama and I approve this message.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:37 AM

Politics / Humor - House Speaker Sal DiMasi and Speaker Pro Tempore Thomas Petrolati collected $42,000 in two days from eye doctors and their lobbyists just before a law that would’ve hurt their business was put on hold. The two have also been nominated for “Progressive with a Heart of Sleaze” awards.

State Senator Dianne Wilkerson has agreed to pay a $10,000 fine as part of a settlement with the attorney general's office for charges that included failing to report $26,935 in donations and paying herself $18,000 from her campaign funds. She said her biggest mistake was reading the book “Political Ethics, DiMasi Style.”

Despite massive state deficits looming, state legislators approved a pension increase for state workers that could cost more than $3 billion over the next 20 years. However, to offset the expenditure, they voted to raise the tax on a pack of cigarettes to $10,000.

The Legislature also voted to tax Manny Ramirez’s salary no matter where he's playing.

Increased gasoline and other costs have driven the number of MBTA riders to record high numbers, which basically means if you ride the T today, there is a better than 75 percent chance your nose will be wedged into another passenger’s armpit.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:04 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
This week in the continuing saga of “Some of My Best Friends are Presidential Candidates," John McCain accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. How can Obama, once and for all, get the race issue behind him? Here are some suggestions:

• Announce he is vetting David Duke

• Join James Dobson in San Francisco for Dobson’s yearly book and leather thong burning rally

• More appearances with loyal American country western singers -- or loyal American country western singer's drug suppliers

• Distance himself from all radical African Americans -- including Booker T. Washington

• Trade wife Michelle for Marie Osmond

Barack Obama now says he would be in favor of some offshore oil drilling if it was part of a broader energy package -- or as he's now calling it: a changed position we can believe in.

Barack Obama is refusing to go along with John McCain’s challenge for several Lincoln-Douglas-style debates saying, “It’s not fair. Unlike my opponent, I never met Lincoln or Douglas.”

“Experts” say that by distancing himself from Ludacris, Barack Obama risks losing the support of the hip hop community. This is evidenced by the surging numbers of “Rappers for McCain.”

Small Street Journal
Wal-Mart has denied pressuring employees to vote against Democrats because an Obama administration would make it easier for workers to unionize. They are pressuring employees to vote against Democrats because an Obama administration would make it easier for workers to take a bathroom break.

Media Bites
“Nightline” co-anchor Martin Bashir apologized for joking about “Asian babes” and “erections.” What he actually meant was "babes with Asian erections.”

Inside Scoop
Forty three percent of people who plan to demonstrate at the Democratic and Republican conventions have yet to choose an issue.

Weekly Prediction
After failing to retrieve his e-mail for the fifth time, John McCain will officially join the computer age by hurling his BlackBerry at a campaign aid.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:53 AM

Humor - If you’re wondering what Massachusetts is like since same-sex marriage for out-of-state residents became legal, it’s been a disaster.

Within minutes of the law’s passage, busloads of impeccably dressed men in tuxedos streamed across our borders. Every copy of Indigo Girls singing “Ave Maria” was snatched up. Traffic in Provincetown came to a standstill as stretch limousines jammed its narrow streets.

But the worst was yet to come. A rebel offshoot of Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church rented Gillette Stadium. Within minutes, 73,000 Judy Garland impersonators had said “I do.” This was followed by a Mormon lesbian biker chick tying the knot with 359 women, each baring a striking resemblance to Suze Orman.

Things have started to calm down, but outbreaks of “Sunrise, Sunset” still occur without warning. And yes, as predicted, the increase in gay marriages has given our state’s economy a shot in the arm. But there was no need to replace the guy in Faneuil Hall Market Place who portrays Paul Revere with Harvey Fierstein doing scenes from “Torch Song Trilogy.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 04:24 PM