Straight Up Now?
Advice - Spike Sez offers no-nonsense, practical advice for the lovelorn, lost, and stupid. If you feel you fit into one of these categories and have a related question, submit it to spike@onlineoffbeat.com, and if he feels like it Spike may respond.
Spike is NOT a licensed therapist and has NO training whatsoever in psychology or human behavior, but as he frequently says, “the fucking President has no qualifications for his job either, and look how well he’s doing.” Spike Sez is not affiliated with Spike TV, Spike Lee, or anyone else purporting to be named Spike.
Dear Spike — This is probably going to sound really retarded, but after 6 years of dating guys I’ve come to the realization that I’m actually straight. All my life I’ve been pretty slight and kind of artsy, and in high school all of the jocks called me a fag. Then when I got to college I met some actual gay guys and really liked hanging out with them. I loved going to gay bars and dancing and I found myself emotionally attracted to some of the guys. Because I’d never dated any women I just figured that meant I really was gay so I started dating guys. I had a lot of relationships and really enjoyed them, and sexually I wasn’t turned off, though in retrospect I can’t say that I was really turned on by other guys body’s either. I think I was mainly turned on because I was having sex and somebody was making me feel good.
Anyway, about 2 months ago I met this woman, Neely, who was friends with a guy I used to date. She’s really smart and funny and we hit it off right away. I guess I figured she was sort of my fag hag, but as we spent more time together I realized that I was starting to develop strong feelings for her and even began to fantasize about her sexually. One night we were at my apartment drinking and I admitted what I was feeling and she asked me if I wanted to try it. I don’t think either of us were thinking of it as more than an experiment, but as soon as I saw her naked it was just amazing. It wasn’t like sex with guys. For the first time I was really being turned on by the other person. I loved the way she looked and smelled and felt. It was truly life-altering because it made me realize that I was actually straight.
Now I want to pursue a relationship with Neely but she’s feeling uncertain about things because of my past. She’s worried that maybe my attraction to her is just a fluke and that in a few months I’ll want to go back to guys. I understand her feelings but I know in my heart that I won’t go back. I don’t regret my past relationships but what I feel for her is so much stronger than anything I felt for my boyfriends.
Do you think I’m kidding myself or does this happen with some guys? I feel kind of stupid that I never thought to question whether I was really gay or not before, but I think that emotionally I didn’t mature as quickly as other people so it took me until my mid-twenties to figure out who I actually am. I’m really in love with Neely so how do I make her understand that this is for real?
— Jackson, Cambridge, MA
Dear Jackson — First of all, we don’t use the R-word around here because it’s insensitive. We use the term “mentaly challenged in a way that can be really funny when you watch them try to do normal things.” And while we’re discussing (sort of) all the hoopla over the use of the R-word in Ben Stiller’s new movie, “Tropic Thunder,” where are all the outcries about the use of the F-word? The character played by Jack Black is known for a series of comedies about an obese, flatulent family called “The Fatties.” How offensive is THAT? Spike knows some actual fat people and he’s certain that they’re quite hurt. Where’s the righteous protest from all the fat people? Oh that’s right, they were organizing one but unfortunately it was located next to a Wendy’s and the whole thing just fell apart.
Anyway, Jackson, can you be certain that you’re not really gay and that your feelings for Neely are real? Let’s see:
• You want to date a woman named Neely... as in Neely “Valley of the Dolls” O’Hara.
• You call yourself Jackson instead of Jack.
• You’ve smoked more sausage than Hickory Farms.
Oh hell no, you aren’t TOO gay, Jackson!
But Spike jests, of course. Is it possible that you were gay by default because you never thought to wonder if you actually preferred chicks? Sure, why not? Seems to happen the other way all the time if you believe the tabloids. Jim McGreavey? “Thought I was straight...until I met a hot Israeli dude and named him Homeland Security Advisor.” Cynthia Nixon? “Thought I was straight...until I met Christine ‘I Make Janet Reno Look Like Pamela Anderson’ Marinoni...which might mean I’m still straight.” Anne Heche? “Thought I was straight, realized I was gay....oops, but now I realize I’m actually straight again.” Clay Aiken? Oh God, where do we begin?
Seems perfectly plausible to Spike that you mistakenly assumed you were gay...so long as you were completely lacking in self-awareness and emotional maturity (the latter part to which you admit). And that’s actually the real issue here, Jackson. It’s not whether you’re straight or gay. It’s whether you are actually mature enough and have enough self-awareness to be in a relationship.
If you say that you’re sure that a woman is what you really want then Spike believes you. You seem to recognize the difference in what you felt with men compared to what you feel with Neely. Plus you "entered the forbidden triangle" and lived to tell the tale. That place is like kryptonite to real gay men. But given how recent your realization is—and that it came about essentially by chance rather than careful self-examination—Spike questions whether you’re ready to be in a mature relationship yet. To borrow from the final episode of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” you’re still cookie dough, and maybe someday with time you’ll become an actual cookie and be ready to share your hot melty goodness with someone else, but right now probably isn’t the time. Think of it like being in AA or Narc Anon: you’ve kicked that nasty butt sex jones, but it’s going to take some time to adjust to your new life as a breeder.
Do Neeley a favor and be patient. It’s going to take a while to re-acclimate yourself to life as a straight guy. You’re going to have to get a bad haircut, grow a pot belly, get some Dockers and ugly shoes, cancel your subscriptions to “Details” and “Martha Stewart Living,” undecorate your apartment, develop an incomprehensible fascination with mechanical gadgets. The list is endless and could take years. Plus, for all you know you may turn into as much of a straight whore as you apparently were when you were queer, and Neely certainly doesn’t deserve that.
So ciao for now,
Spike
DISCLAIMER: Spike and Online OffBeat take no responsibility whatsoever for advice given in Spike Sez. Submit questions at your own risk to spike@onlineoffbeat.com. If no questions are submitted, Spike will make them up.
