Politics / Humor - Gov. Deval Patrick signed a bill that lowers the blood donor age to 16. This corresponds with last year’s new law that lowered the minimum age for getting a vampire license.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:20 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five things to watch for after the $700 billion bailout is passed:

• The Treasury Department will start printing $1 billion dollar bills.
• John McCain will promise that “if I’m elected president, the $700 billion bucks stop here.”
• Barack Obama will scale back his proposed middle class tax cut to “pocket change we can believe in.”
• Sarah Palin will start talking about God’s financial plan.
• All government correspondences will be printed on old Lehman Brothers stationary.

Neither candidate scored a knockout punch in Friday night’s presidential debate. But give John McCain credit; it’s not easy to debate while your campaign is suspended.

During the debate, John McCain kept saying Barack Obama didn’t understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Sarah Palin later emphasized the point by saying a tactic is a tiny mint.

A breakthrough has been reached in the $700 billion rescue of the financial markets. President Bush has decided to go with a blue pen.

Small Street Journal
Washington Mutual chief executive Alan Fishman is being criticized because he may end up with a $13 million “golden parachute” after only having the job for 18 days. A defensive Fishman lashed out, “This is the thanks I get for bringing in muffins and bagels every Friday."

Media Bites
Sarah Palin spent the week studying video of her few interviews with the media. She didn’t think she’d performed that badly -- until she realized she was watching Tina Fey.

Inside Scoop
If Congress cannot agree on a financial rescue plan, it will ask Jerry Lewis to conduct a financial bailout telethon.

Weekly Prediction
Sarah Palin will walk out of the vice presidential debate because “It was my understanding the questions would be multiple choice.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:04 PM

Politics / Humor - Sonia Chang-Diaz finally defeated 15-year incumbent Dianne Wilkerson for the office of state senator. The victory, however, will not be official until Chang-Diaz drives a wooden spike into Wilkerson’s chest.

A stunned Dianne Wilkerson would only comment, “I thought the last-minute endorsement by John Buonomo was going to push me over the top.

The Massachusetts Republican Party has opened a Metrowest operation to help elect John McCain. Its new slogan: “Who hasn’t contradicted themselves five times in one speech?”

Half of all Massachusetts public schools this year failed to meet the standards established under the No Child Left Behind Act. However, most did meet more of the standards established under the No Child Left in the Car While Mom and Dad Gamble at Foxwoods Act.

Governor’s Councilor Kelly Timilty, who admitted forging Gov. Deval Patrick’s signature her on campaign mailings and falsely claiming he was endorsing her, was reelected. She thanked her supporters, and key advisors Mohandas Gandhi and President Woodrow Wilson.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:43 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain spent time on Saturday attending his U.S. Naval Academy 50th class reunion. He had such a great time he said he may not even later deny he had a great time.

Sarah Palin will be meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai next week in New York. It wasn’t in her original plans, but she couldn’t get tickets to “The Lion King.”

A federal judge ordered Dick Cheney to preserve many of his vice presidential records -- including the location of where he hid the Constitution.

According to a poll, people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain. This is the first time more people wanted to do anything with a Democrat since they voted Bill Clinton their favorite wing man at a strip club.

President Bush is pushing for Congress to approve a free-trade deal with Colombia -- after which he will propose a federal bailout of the cocaine industry.

Small Street Journal
The Bush administration’s proposed bailout of U.S. financial institutions could cost up to $700 billion -- or in banking terms: 500 calendars for every man, woman, and child.

Media Bites
Sean Hannity’s doctor’s say the Fox News anchorman is expected to make a full recovery after spending over two hours attached to Sarah Palin’s ass.

Inside Scoop
John Kerry had no idea his political playbook was missing until he heard John McCain talking about the economy.

Weekly Prediction
Ralph Nader will officially become a non-factor in this year’s presidential election when a video of him giving a lecture at a clothing-optional alternative energy forum turns up on YouTube.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 03:34 PM

Politics / Humor - Five possible reasons why Deval Patrick, Michael Capuano, and Tom Menino are supporting Dianne Wilkerson for re-election:

• Everybody deserves a 20th or 21st chance in life.
• She’s promised them guest appearances on “America’s Most Wanted.”
• “When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doing it for some doll.”
• They need her for the Jim Marzilli roast.
• It’s change we can heave in.

Former Governor Jane Swift is leading John McCain “truth squad,” defending vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. An energized Swift told McCain, “Just give me a helicopter and I’m there.”

The Boston City Council is considering conducting its business in secrecy. Confused citizens responded, “The Boston City Council conducts business?”

Joe Biden, raised $900,000 at two Massachusetts fundraisers. This breaks the previous record it took to make him stop talking.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:38 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Are you concerned that Sarah Palin’s international travel credentials only include trips to Ireland, Germany, Kuwait, Iraq, Mexico, and Canada? Don’t worry. She has international experience coming out the Wasilla!

• In 1997, she led a fact-finding tour to “A Little Bit of Italy Pasta and Propane Trading Post” in Anchorage.
• In 2002, Palin called technical support in India after receiving the wrong insulated lingerie purchased on Fredricks-Of-Permafrost.com.
• In 2003, her helicopter accidentally strayed into international waters while hunting whales with an air-to-surface missile launcher.
• In 2005, she demanded the President of Mexico fire her former brother-in-law’s nephew from the Juno Taco Bell.
• Last year, Gov. Palin pledged to establish diplomatic relations with Candyland.

Congressman Charles Rangel of New York, the chairman of the House tax-writing committee, admitted he owes $5,000 to the IRS after failing to report almost $75,000 in rental income over two decades from a beach house he owns in the Dominican Republic. Rangel apologized but said his err in judgment was not a violation of his Hypocritic oath.

Karl Rove says John McCain’s ads have gone too far. That’s like Amy Winehouse telling someone to lay off the booze.

Alaska lawmakers have voted to subpoena Todd Palin. More importantly, they’re concerned about the disappearance of Fredo Palin.

Small Street Journal
Resolving the Lehman Brothers crisis may be harder than previously believed. Closed-door negotiations reported someone screaming, “Mom always covered your assets best!”

Media Bites
John McCain was raked over the coals by the women on “The View.” Or as Star Jones would’ve put it: being forced to lie on a fabulous Weber Genesis E-320 grill on sale at Sears and Wal-Mart.

Inside Scoop
Charlie Rangel has been having a reoccurring nightmare where he wakes up with H&R Block’s heads in his bed.

Weekly Prediction
The evangelical Christian community’s support of Sarah Palin will become even more fervent when she confesses to being baptized in Hugh Hefner’s hot tub.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:19 PM

Media / Humor - WBZ-TV and CBS’s over-the-top coverage of the new CBS Scene at Gillette Stadium has been enough to make Edward R. Morrow scream “Good night and get those mozzarella sticks out of my face.” However, as news and media continue to evolve at breakneck-speed, other media outlets should consider following suit. Here are some suggestions:

Booters - The Boston Herald and Hooters join forces to create the perfect atmosphere for discussing government hacks and UFOs, while being served by gun-toting Sarah Palin look-alike waitresses.

The Fox 25 Running-In Place - A friendly restaurant where news anchors can walk up and down studio stairs while talking about car wrecks.

WTKK Shopping Maul
Stores and restaurants include:

• Michael Graham-Auntie Anne's Pretzels' Twisted Logic kiosk


• Eagan and Braude’s Bed, Bath, and lots of other things they’ve endorsed


• Jay Severin’s Hetero Night at TGI Fridays

WHDH-TV’s Executive Caligula Camp and Bistro - Thursdays are “Do You Know Who I Am?” nights. Friday’s are “I’ll Have Your Badge.” nights. Mondays are “I apologize for my actions. I've been under a lot of pressure.” nights.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 11:14 AM

Politics / Humor - The Massachusetts Republican delegation returned from their presidential convention energized and excited -- until they remembered that Jane Swift is a soccer mom, too.

John Kerry debated his first primary opponent, Ed O’Reilly, in 24 years. It was also the first time the confident Kerry debated while wearing bicycle pants and a T-shirt that read: “Ask me how many homes I own.”

Mitt Romney has ruled out a cabinet post in a McCain administration. However, Romney said he will consider retaining McCain after Bain Capitol’s purchase of the United States.

The State of Massachusetts has opened a new office in Beijing to promote the state’s businesses. The office will be run by Hwang DiMasi and Zhang Fitzgerald

Boston Mayor Tom Menino is attending a conference in Cernobbio, Italy. After his first speech, a Menino aide looked at the audience and said, “Don’t ask me. I don’t know what he’s saying either.”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 01:08 PM

Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Sarah Palin’s refusal to talk with the press proves one thing: The less we know about her the more we like her. Does having a talking soccer mom doll (recorded sound bites compliments of Karl Rove) a heart beat away from being the leader of the semi-free world bother you? Not to worry. Consider the following:

• If you're really curious about where she stands on the issues, you can always ask a Bush speech writer.
• Isn’t having one candidate on a ticket answering “I don’t know” to countless questions scary enough?
• What woman wouldn’t mind giving up her right to choose if she knows she can sell her unwanted child on eBay?
• Is there really any difference between knowing something about foreign policy, economics, and healthcare; and knowing how to kill a moose?
• Howard Hughes never talked to the press and he did a pretty good job running the world.

The widely-circulated Internet photo of Sarah Palin wearing a bikini and holding a rifle turned out to be a fraud. As it turns out, someone else’s head was PhotoShopped on Palin’s body.

Joe Biden said he’s looking forward to debating Sarah Palin. His advisors are already briefing him on PTA trivia and birthin’ babies.

Oprah says she’ll be happy to have Sarah Palin on her show after the election -- along with Jamie Lynn Spears’ mom.

Democrats are counting on Hillary Clinton to take on Sarah Palin. No word on where the first chugalug contest will be held.

Small Street Journal
Last year, authorities reported 42 methamphetamine labs in Sarah Palin’s hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. Or as Palin calls them: small mom and pop businesses run by “real” American drug addicts.

Media Bites
Sarah Palin may agree to answer questions from Larry King as long as none of the questions are, “Will you marry me?”

Inside Scoop
John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate after receiving a hot-oil massage from Phyllis Schlafly.

Weekly Prediction
Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston will make history by being the first couple caught dry humping during a presidential inauguration.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:52 PM