Humor / Possible Captions

Possible captions

• Houston, we have a bitter aftertaste.


• I think it needs a slice of lemon.


• No seriously, it has no caffeine?


• I can’t believe it’s not real urine.


• This was definitely not in the job description.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:49 AM

Politics / Humor- In her bra and under the table
The FBI is subpoenaing records from All Checks Cashed check-cashing stores in search of other places former State Senator Dianne Wilkerson may have hidden money. Here are a few other leads the agency is chasing down:

• For three years, Wilkerson had a no-show job at the Little Bit of Ecuador Landscape Service.


• During her first term in office, the former senator worked as a part-time exotic dancer until a constituent stuffed thousand-dollar bills into her G-string, causing her to tip over and break a hip.


• Wilkerson has purchased Victoria Secret specialty bras in three sizes: fives, tens, and twenties.


• To avoid taxes, Wilkerson may have stashed thousands of dollars in a Cayman Islands halter top.


• A video has reportedly turned up on YouTube showing Wilkerson stuffing money into City Counselor Chuck Turner’s pants while asking, “Can you break a twenty?”

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:18 AM

Politics / Humor - Boston City Hall is so ugly...
Boston City Hall was named by the Web site, VirtualTourist.com as the world’s ugliest building. But don’t despair. It doesn’t take much to turn an awful edifice into a sassy structure. For example:

• Replace the roof with a wooden shingle comb-over.


• Install curtains in the Memino Rumpus Room.


• Audition for the reality show, “Trading Municipal Spaces.”


• Hire a structural therapist to help BCH feel better about itself.


• If all fails, get an estimate from the guy who works on Joan Rivers.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:51 PM

Politics / Humor
Toll hikes voted by the Mass Turnpike Board (along with its new slogan: “If you have to ask how much, you should be hitchhiking”) have given new meaning to the term “road rage.” But there are ways to beat the system. Here are just a few:

• Find a 13-year-old computer geek who can re-program your Fast Lane device.


• Learn the toll collector’s secret Teamster wink.


• Sign up for the Backstroke-to-Logan shuttle


• Trade your car in for a fire engine.


• Carpool with an elected official.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 12:50 PM

Politics / Humor
Fidelity announced it's cutting 1,300 jobs. It also used the occasion to unveil its new Asset Mismanagement and Stifled Growth funds.

Rumor 1: Deval Patrick will leave office to take a job in the Obama administration -- just as soon as he can find 1200 college students willing to rent his Berkshire manse for $27,000 a month.

Rumor 2: John Kerry will leave office to be Barack Obama's Secretary of State -- just as soon as his possible successor, Marty Meehan, can hire an excavator to dig up his war chest.

Rumor 3: Ray Flynn will leave no particular office to be Barack Obama's Ambassador to the Knights of Columbus.

Officials are scrambling to prepare for the State's newly-liberalized marijuana laws. Backers of the bill assured authorities they should "just chill out and pass the Doritos."

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:35 PM

Politics / Humor - What a difference a different administration makes
How will President Obama's White House be different from President Bush's? Here are just a few ways.

• The president's personal security code will be changed from one to ten digits.


• Daily security briefings will no longer be delivered by hand puppets.


• Barbecued Fluffernutters will no longer be served at state dinners.


• The president will no longer be asked to step out of the room every time the vice
  president has something important to say.


• The ban on head-of-state visitors with hard-to-pronounce names will be lifted.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:41 PM

Politics / Humor - It's not a Barack lock
Barack Obama may be leading in most polls, but anything can happen during these last hours before the final vote. Here are just a few ways he could lose.

• An ill-advised pledge to pardon O.J. Simpson


• The premature introduction of his Treasury Secretary, George Soros


• A proposal to replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the fist bump


• The revelation that Barck Obama's aunt, who's been living illegally in the United States in a Boston public housing project, has also been collecting a disability pension for the time she worked as a prison matron at the Hanoi Hilton.


• A surprise attack of dyslexia during a speech, resulting in: "Stupid, it's the economy!"

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 08:11 PM

Politics / Humor - Tips for undecided voters
Dear Undecided Voters,
I realize it’s nearly impossible to choose a president based on only watching candidates campaign for 20 months. So here is some advice that will help make your decision easier.

• Think of one candidate as boxers and the other briefs.


• Chances are you'll never have a beer with either candidate, anyway.


• Barack Obama is the black one. John McCain is the old one.


• Not having a full grasp of the facts never stopped Sarah Palin from being decisive.


• Pretend that guy who always stands behind you in fast food restaurants screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!" is standing behind you in the voting booth screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!"

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:27 AM