Humor - Do you think you know the true meaning of Christmas? While your chestnuts are roasting and Jack Frost’s nipping at your toes, take this simple test and find out.

Question: While trying to save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks during a holiday sale, you inadvertently trample a Wal-Mart employee to death. Do you:

A: Demand compensation for the damage done to your shoes?

B: Donate the 25 cents you saved to the deceased employee's memorial fund?

C: Send the deceased employee’s next of kin, at no charge, the video you shot with your cell phone that shows the paramedics frantically trying to revive the victim?

D: Tearfully explain to an “Action News” TV reporter that “Even though I caused this person’s death just so I could save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks, I really am a good Christian."?

If you selected any of the above, award yourself a cup of eggnog and start strategizing for Costco’s “Day After Christmas, Two-for-One, 50-Gallon Drum, Dinty Moore Beef Stew” sale.

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:55 AM

Television - “Jon and Kate Plus 8” has become "Jon and Kate Plus 8 Million Freebies." The show was cute once upon a time – back when Jon had a job, back when aunts and uncles lent sparkles of generosity, back when Kate did not look like a surly biker chick, back when the kids were cute, back when viewers were not complicit in this couple's stunning greed.

The reality show about the Gosselin family of 10 – sextuplets, twins, and mom and dad – has become surreality. One child, a twin named Madeline, seems to have become severely damaged by the constant intrusion of the TLC cameras. Mady used to chat about whatever popped into her creative head. Now, she’s an object of scorn by her parents for being snarly and uncooperative. Hey, the kid just wants a life. Outcast Mady (seated below right in orange with a sour look) is a martyr for this family's embarrassment.



In a recent episode, Kate, who lectures the camera way too much, forces her children to have a “giving” experience. She takes them all to a discount barn to fill shopping carts loads with various plasticized playthings. TLC, a rich TV network of Discovery channels, flies the whole family to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital to give away the toys. When they're staying at a freebie hotel before gawking at sick children, they promote the movie "The Tale Of Despereaux." In the freebie hotel's big bed, Kate reads the "Despereaux" book while her own children play with "Despereaux" dolls. Creepy. I finally clicked to a conclusion: Enough.

Enough of Jon and Kate’s indulging the selfish mean-spiritedness of their children. The parents do not teach life lessons. They are barely polite to any of their enablers -- people who give them free hayrides, train rides, plane rides, museum tours, hair plugs, sides of organic beef, dinners at Disney World, beach houses in the Carolinas. Enough of Jon and Kate grabbing for the nearest graft after the sad Maui vacation when the four-year-old girls got pedicures and few friends or family showed up for Jon and Kate's faux wedding. Enough of Jon and Kate's pretending to be rich with spiritual values. Their kind of grubby, grabby “rich” is a TV Ponzi scheme. Viewers invest with no reward. “Jon and Kate Plus 8” passed into moral bankruptcy long ago and far away.

monica@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Monica Collins at 10:41 AM

Politics / Humor- Get on board the Shove Train
You thought riding the T during rush hour couldn’t get more unpleasant? Think again, Claustrophobic Breath. The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority is introducing rush hour Red Line cattle trains with no seats. Ok, they’re leaving in a couple for handicapped riders, but even Mussolini’s trains had wheelchair ramps (so I’ve heard).

Why stop there? There are countless ways you can cram a subway car. Here are just a few.

• Piggyback Mondays


• Groping Tuesdays


• Spooning Wednesdays


• No Exhale Thursdays


• Casual Sex Fridays

ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 07:36 AM