Humor

• Interior to halt uranium mining at Grand Canyon. Department also looking into shutting down any souvenir stands that sell fried dough.


• Amtrak bus fire on SoCal freeway ignites wildfire. Amtrak spokesman: "Once again, you're just looking at the negative side."


• Question of the week: Will Corey Feldman be attending Walter Cronkite’s funeral dressed as Walter?


• NASA: Jupiter apparently hit by object: When will they finally take Lindsay Lohan's driver's license away?


• World's largest telescope to be built in Hawaii. Neighboring islands will now have to keep their curtains closed.


• Measure to expand gun rights falls short in Senate. Not a great day for lonely drifters who never fit in.


• DEA seizes records of Michael Jackson’s doctor. Could Bubbles the Chimp’s dermatologist be next?


• Nonprofit Cancer Project files a lawsuit claiming hot dogs should carry a warning label. Here’s a suggestion: “It’s a hot dog."


• 5 rabbis arrested in NY and NJ. For their sake, they better have good Presbyterian lawyers.


• Man accused of buying and selling human kidneys. Bernie Madoff is starting to look not so bad.

Follow Ben Alper on Twitter.

Posted by Ben Alper at 06:10 AM

Humor

• Powerful sedative found in Michael Jackson’s home -- a John Tesh CD.


• 1.6 million request Michael Jackson memorial tickets. Even in death he’s outdrawing Lil Wayne.


• George W. Bush may put Saddam's gun in his library. So far, that's guns 1, books 0.


• 1.6 million request Michael Jackson memorial tickets. Fortunately, Ticketmaster still has a few seats available for next of kin.


• New dessert inspired by Sarah Palin -- Half Baked Alaska.


• An Illinois cab driver fended off a knife-wielding passenger by spraying deodorant at the attacker. Amazing! A cabbie using deodorant!


• A Colorado company is selling caskets made out of bananas. They can be used for closed- and pealed-coffin funerals.


• Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry was arrested for harassing his ex-girlfriend. His defense: “The bitch I’d been stalking set me up.


• British scientists claim to have created human sperm using embryonic stem cells. Or as they're calling it: "I can't believe it's not Nigel.


• You know the recession must be over when even former AG Alberto Gonzales can find a job (teaching at Texas Tech).


• For anyone who missed the funeral, the Jackson family will be Sitting Shivah in Los Angeles Coliseum.


• Tehran governor threatens to "smash" any new protests. After that, he'll be visiting a senior center.


• Comcast employee arrested for robbing Oregon check-cashing store. Threatens to shoot clerk sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM.


• Ex-mistress's husband says Sen. John Ensign paid severance -- If you know what I mean.


• Utility knife blades found in dietary supplements. Now that's what I call cutting calories.


• LAPD is investigating Michael Jackson's prescription drug history. Step one: question any physician nicknamed "Dr. Feelgood."


• Sen. John Ensign's parents gave his mistress's family $96K. Said his father, "Kids to the darnedest things.


• Roland Burris won't seek a full term -- Senate or jail?


• New book reveals Ernest Hemingway to be KGB agent. That explains his unpublished short story, "The Commie of Kilimanjaro."

Follow Ben Alper on Twitter.

Posted by Ben Alper at 05:29 PM

Humor

• It appears Michael Jackson was taking enough painkillers to kill a horse – or Rush Limbaugh.


• A Kentucky church celebrated gun rights and then its new 11th commandment: Thou shall pop a cap in thy neighbor if he covets thy wife.


• You have to admire S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford's wife, Jenny. This is the kind of first lady I'd proudly -- and respectfully -- cheat on.


• It's been a tough week, beginning with the death of Jon and Kate's reality TV careers.


• Steve Jobs is back on the job. Finally, his minions will be able to check out liver 2.0.


• New study indicates widening generation gap in US. It must have been done by some crazy wet-behind-the-ear kid.


• LAPD interviewed Michael Jackson's doctors. The ones who took care of him or the ones who assembled him?


• A man has designed a truck that runs on garbage. His next invention will be a robot that talks trash.


• The big question about Bernie Madoff in prison: How long before he tires of checking off each day on his 150-year calendar?


• Apparently, Gov. Sanford has been confusing “spiritual advisor” with wingman.


• This just in -- Al Sharpton and Gloria Allred just checked themselves into rehab for microphone and camera addiction.


• Michael Jackson’s will estimates the value of his estate at more than $500 mil. $600 if you include the contents of his medicine cabinet.


• Poll: 64% say there’s too much Michael Jackson media coverage. The other 36 need to know when doctors will begin cloning Michael’s nose.


• NY Rep. Charlie Rangel claims drug companies have been stealing from the people. An outraged Rangel added, “Hey, that’s my job.”


• Eleven Boston police officers have been disciplined steroid use. Hence, the department’s new motto: To Protect and Pump You Up.


• What will Apple do about its new iPhones that keep overheating? Here's a thought: "Introducing the new iFire!"

Follow Ben Alper on Twitter.

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:45 AM