Humor

• Hawaii's marks 50th anniversary of statehood. Many conservatives demand to see a birth certificate.


• North Dakota town claims to set world record for the most fire trucks in a parade -- and the record for most unattended fires.


• McNabb says he and Vick could pose double threat. Dog and cat fighting?


• Pakistan captures Taliban's top spokesman. All he's said so far is "No comment" and "I'll have to get back to you on that."


• Man carrying assault weapon attends Obama protest. Too bad the 2nd Amendment applies to people with only 2nd grade educations.


• Tom DeLay joins the cast of "Dancing With the Stars." In a related story, Paula Abdul has become a pharmaceutical company lobbyist.


• Large CA fire caused by marijuana farm. Authorities say they'll have the blaze under control whenever.


• N. Korea to reopen border with S. Korea and resume tourism ventures. To compete, Disneyland to open "It's a Starving World After All."


• SC Gov. Sanford heads off for reserve duty. "Honey, I'm not the one who scheduled maneuvers in Buenos Aires."


• Study finds tiny traces of cocaine on US dollars -- as evidenced by George Washington's white mustache.


• Michael Jackson burial set for August 29. Beginning of rumors that he never died set for August 30.


• Federal study shows mercury in fish widespread. Related story: Red Lobster to sell scallops that take their own temperature.


• Texas woman arrested for fighting with 13-year-old boy in wheelchair. Her Nobel Peace price now in serious jeopardy.


• Reality TV contestant sought in ex-model's death -- or is that the plot for a new reality show?


• Naked passenger arrested on St. Louis to Oakland flight. "Forgive me for trying to speed up the strip search line."


• Michelle Obama still catching flack for wearing shorts on Air Force One. It still beats Bill Clinton's clothing optional flights.


• Starbucks raises prices on some beverages. The good news? Frappuccino financing is now available.


• Plaxico Burress pleads guilty to accidentally shooting himself. During sentencing, he's expected to read a victim statement to himself.


• Cash for Clunkers to end on Monday -- just in time for GM to announce its new 2010 clunkers.

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Posted by Ben Alper at 09:29 AM

Humor

• Vt. police arrest man driving backward on highway. He claims he's a driver for the Palin Talk Express.


• Sarah Palin calls Pres. Obama's health plan "downright evil." She said it's the scariest title she's ever skimmed.


• Government approves formation of Australian Sex Party. Celebration is expected to last until government bans Australian Sex Party.


• Most popular TV show in Myanmar: "This Old House Arrest."


• GM to sell cars on eBay. Finally, a place to buy a Camaro with an image of the Virgin Mary on the hood.


• Jaime Pressly denies peeing in public. Remember the good old says when celebrities only denied being communists?


• 60-year-old man convicted of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. Blames it on an overdose of the new Cheese-flavored Viagra.


• Mass. transgender prison inmate denied electrolysis. He then demanded, "At least give me a cellmate who's into hairy chicks."


• Brazilian TV host accused of ordering killings to boost ratings. Regis Philbin shocked: "You can do that?"


• French pool bars Muslim woman for "burquini" suit. Disappointed swimmer laments, "How else can I work on the tan lines around my eyes?"


• My friend went to his congressman's town hall forum on health and all I got was this torn and bloody T-shirt.


• Dick Cheney is writing a book that won't be flattering of Bush. It's tentatively titled: "What Part of 'Do As I Say' Don't You Understand?"


• Radio Shack is changing its name to The Shack. Not to be outdone, Shaq is changing his name to Radio O'Neal.


• Taco Bell to start selling breakfast items. Hey, a Denny's Grand Slam omelet can only clog so many arteries.


• Obama's poll numbers are down. And to think, unlike George Bush, he's done it without mispronouncing "nuclear" or invading another country.

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Posted by Ben Alper at 10:39 AM

Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - A funny animated (stop motion) movie about alien hats trying to take over a middle school in Harlem, New York. When the teachers are overmatched by the hats, the students fight back and save the day. Collaboratively written by Merrill Kazanjian and the Students of St. Hope Leadership Academy.

bigmetsfan1@aol.com

Posted by Ben Alper at 10:57 AM

Humor

• Indicted NJ mayor resigns after only 1 month on job. Sarah Palin's reaction: "Why didn't I think of that?"


• Northwest jet blows 5 tires while landing in Minn. Kirstie Alley is told to find another airline to fly on.


• McCain to oppose Sotomayor for Supreme Court. "Call me old fashioned but nothing turns me off more than a woman who speaks coherently."


• Plaxico Burress indicted on weapons charges. More specifically, carrying a concealed weapon without a brain.


• Ayatollah Khamenei bestows endorsement of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's 2nd term as president but without formal kiss. "I just want to be friends."


• Bill Clinton in N Korea to seek release of U.S. reporters -- and to check out the Pyongyang Hooters.


• Ryan O'Neal: "I hit on my daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral." This is too freaky for even Eugene O'Neal.


• Human foot found in NY recycling plant. "This little piggy went to paper, this little piggy went to plastic, and... "


• Ohio family visits 52 zoos in 52 weeks. They expect it will take another 52 weeks for the monkey house smell to go away.


• Ohio family visits 52 zoos in 52 weeks. The most interesting exhibit? Ryan, the bi-curious hippopotamus.


• Report: Russian subs patrolling off East Coast. Yesterday, authorities spotted a Veal Orloff with onions and mayo on a 6-inch roll.


• Jury rules convicted ex-congressman William Jefferson must forfeit $470,000 in bribes. Jefferson furious. "I earned those bribes!"


• 267-pound matzah ball sets Guinness world record. Crowd that ate it then sets record for guilt after not thanking mother who cooked it.


• Clunkers program extended. Entire NBC lineup renewed another year.


• NY Times: "Sotomayor faces heavy workload of complex cases." She disagrees: "I thought most were going to be true or false."


• Kenyan man offers 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Hillary: "I told you not to sign up for eHarmony.com."


• Fla. newlywed arrested for hiring hit man to kill husband of 6 months. Her defense? "Forgive me for trying to spice things up."


• American Psychological Association repudiates gay-to-straight therapy. That is so Niles Crane.

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Posted by Ben Alper at 09:59 AM

Humor

• North Korea opens 1st fast-food restaurant. Most popular item so far: the Sad Meal.


• Connecticut authorities discover canary fighting ring, seize 100 birds. Still looking for the tailor who makes the little boxing trunks.


• Former US Sen. Larry Craig opens consulting firm. His new office is the 3rd stall from the left.


• Hawaii again declares Obama birth certificate real. Birthers now questioning whether Hawaii is a state.


• New Taser gun can shock 3 people without reloading. It can stop a white trash family in their tracks.


• New Henry Louis Gates arrest theory: Has anyone checked for a bigot on a grassy knoll?


• Detroit man says stress led him to rob banks. Plus, it was more profitable than yoga.


• La. Sen. Vitter says he'll vote against Sotomayor -- and promises not to have sex with her.


• Woman accused of running strip club in basement. It was the only club where the stripping pole had a garden hose hanging from it.


• Fox's Glenn Beck says he believes Obama is racist. In Beck's defense, he thinks racist means someone who bets on the horses.


• Study: tanning beds as deadly as arsenic. On the plus side, you'll be one healthy looking corpse.


• Republican Tenn. state senator, 47, quits after affair with intern, 22. He's also stepping down as president of the Rick Sandford Fan Club.


• Florida town official fired for being married to a porn star is leaving town -- as soon as he writes his farewell and Penthouse letters.


• Shocked Boston cop suspended for using racial slur to describe Henry L. Gates: "This is the thanks I get for creating a teachable moment."


• N.H. Sports reporter arrested for running a prostitution ring on Craigslist. On the bright side: newspapers discover new revenue stream.


• Swedish company fined $3,000 for 2007 incident where robot attacked & injured factory worker. Robot union promises to appeal the fine.


• Arizona lawmakers want to sell state capitol buildings for cash. They are already planning the new Days Inn/Legislative building.


• SC man charged with having sex with horse -- again! "Love is lovelier, the second time around."


• Wash. state may release ill prisoners to save money. "Excuse me guard, this swastika tattoo on my forehead is killing me."


• Mich. man jailed for assault during Monopoly game. He was also ordered not to pass go and not to collect $200.


• Harvard prof, cop & Obama get together for a beer. Verdict: Less filling 2, Taste great 1.

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Posted by Ben Alper at 06:59 AM