This Week in Tweets
Humor
- Former Mass. Lt. Gov. Kerry Healey says she's not running for US Senate. Her supporters can only dream about what would have never been.
- Madonna lights Sabbath candles with Netanyahu. Then offers to adopt Hamas.
- I just bought a book of Annie Leibovitz's photos. Unfortunately, it only contained Chapter 11.
- Michael Jackson glove sells for $49,000 in Australia. The buyer gets something that touched greatness as well as many kids.
- Transgender activist runs for mayor of Idaho town. His/her campaign slogan: "Change you'll probably find confusing.
- Cape Cod bans swimming due to great white sharks -- until great white sharks ban eating swimmers.
- Turtle thought to be extinct spotted in Myanmar -- under house arrest since 1988.
- Contraception to be dispensed at Revere, Mass. high school. Most popular contraception method: saying you're from Revere, Mass.
- Why didn’t we listen to Rush and Glenn about Obama’s school speech? Already, there are reports of kindergarten finger-painting cooperatives.
- Massive 3,700-year-old wall uncovered in Jerusalem. Archeologists believe they’ve discovered the original Fenway Green Monster.
- Madonna lights Sabbath candles with Netanyahu. To keep things in perspective, he also attended a Passover Seder with Carrot Top.
- Venezuela to export gasoline to Iran – after Chavez and Ahmadinejad agree to disagree about who is crazier.
- Transgender activist runs for mayor of Idaho town. Also the first candidate to accuse an opponent of “staring at my Adam’s apple".
- Obama “Green Jobs” adviser resigns. In a parting fit of anger, he told Obama to “take this job and recycle it!”
- Jon Gosselin says he despises estranged wife Kate. Kate shoots back: “You turn me on when you’re bitter and spiteful.”
- Author Naomi Wolf to write history of the vagina. Asked why, she said, “I saw an opening and went for it.”
- Companies fined for selling hazardous sweatshirts. “My friend went to Disneyland and all I got was this lousy skin disease.”
- NYC man charged in Ponzi scheme, diverting client's money to porn business. Or as Bernie Madoff would call that: diversification.
- US comes in 2nd behind Switzerland in competitiveness poll. Obama immediately orders Kraft to drill holes in Cheez Whiz.
- 3 more great white sharks tagged off Mass. coast. Not-so-great white sharks are starting to feel left out.
- 3 more great white sharks tagged off Mass. coast. Two ask, “Does this tag make my fin look big?”
- Ky. mother upset after football coach has her son and other players baptized. The hard part was fitting them all in the whirlpool.
- Gold price rises over $1,000. Said one financial expert: “It’s never too late to start investing in rappers’ teeth.
- Hugh Hefner files for divorce. Apparently, his wife became suspicious of the 4 other women in their bed.
- Preacher says God wanted him to hijack Mexican jet. How come God never tells people not to bring crying babies on planes?
- If Joe “You Lie” Wilson has proven anything, it’s that he has what it takes to be the next Joe the Plumber.
- Fed survey shows US recession may be over. Its proof? Homeless people are starting to build additions onto their cardboard homes.
- Calif. GOP lawmaker quits over taped sex comments. He's also the first politician whose resignation speech included heavy breathing.
- Pres. Obama regrets delaying details for health plan – although he may still delay announcing do-it-yourself prostate exams.
- Tim Cahill enters race for Mass. governor. His campaign slogan: It looked like a good idea in the beginning.
- Harvard study: Businesses not ready for H1N1 flu. However, they are ready for the after-flu sale.
- Marijuana farming increases amid ailing economy. DEA reports sharp increase of disoriented scare crows.
- John Stossel is leaving ABC News for Fox News – “where, finally, I won’t be harassed by those pesky fact-checkers.
- Treasury Sec. Geithner says bailout programs are shrinking – thanks to his innovative “Preparation H Financial System.”
- Study: Condoms help reduce global warming – meaning you can help the environment by planting something other than a tree.
- Yankee Stadium gives out free prostate exams. Authorities still on the lookout for rogue peanut vendor wearing rubber gloves.
- Government of Sweden uses state funds to produce feminist porn. Director is looking for male actors who can express their feelings on cue.
- Government of Sweden uses state funds to produce feminist porn. First project: “Debbie Does Betty Friedan.”
- Indiana court: Pizza shop must pay for 340-pound employee’s weight-loss surgery – and stop paying him with calzones.
- SC GOP joins lawmakers asking Gov. Mark Sanford to resign – or, at the very least, join a more discreet dating Web site.”
- Studies: 1 dose of swine flu vaccine works. 2 makes you smell like bacon.
