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Humor
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• I’ll explain this one more time; sushi is a sliced raw fish.
• No, Saddam Hussein did not give Michelle away at our wedding.
• Let me get this straight: If I get my bowling score up to 250, you’ll vote for me?
• And the farmer says to the salesman, “No, I don’t have any Grey Poupon but you can sleep with my daughter.”
• It was during the Irish Potato Famine that my Great Great Grandfather Padraig O’Bama brought his family to America.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.
• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.
• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.
• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.
• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.
• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.
John McCain said he didn’t mean to imply that the U.S. involvement in the Iraq war had anything to do with America’s reliance on foreign oil. He added, “We shouldn’t even be thinking about that until we’ve been there at least 75 years.”
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Heading into the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Barack Obama said, “There's no doubt that a campaign has to continually fine-tune itself.” Here are some suggestions that may help push him over the top:
• At the very least, wear a Reverend Wright “God Damn American” lapel flag.
• Forget the debates; challenge Hillary Clinton to a drinking contest.
• Every new campaign ad must contain at least one Monica Lewinsky subliminal message.
• Reach out to the working class. Propose a law that says “Jeopardy” cannot be harder to play than “Wheel of Fortune.”
• End every speech with “…and if they don’t like it, they should go back to where they came from!”
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. Obama said, “I’d love to but my stove pipe hat is at the cleaners.”
The Washington Post reports that President Bush’s plan to contract federal jobs to the private sector has fallen short. However, Wal-Mart is still accepting part-time applications for Secretary of Interior.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
Buddy returned to the apartment a couple of hours later, looking rather ashen.
“Jesus, that guy Paulie is a piece of work,” he said as he sat across from me. “Where the fuck did you meet him?”
“We used to work together at Blue Cross-Blue Shield,” I answered. “He got fired for calling customers ‘Poopsie” over the phone.”
“He had me make a bunch of stops on the way to his house, Stop and Shop, CVS, a couple of other places. He said he had a phobia about going into stores alone, so there I was going in with him. And I must have loaned him about fifty bucks,” Buddy shook his head.
“What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever run errands with a guy dressed like a butterfly before?” I laughed. “I’ll pay you back the fifty, because believe me, Paulie never will.”
“You think this is funny? He said he had a line of credit at a club near Kenmore Square, and I let him drag me in there with him,” Danny said, coughing. “I was being polite because he’s a friend of yours. It was Alternative Lifestyle Night at the place, and we only left because Paulie was embarrassed about wearing the same outfit as another guy.” I really started giggling now, holding my gut and bending over.
“And when we got to his flophouse,” Buddy continued, “he didn’t have a key, and his landlord was nowhere to be found. So I climbed the fire escape and broke into Madame Butterfly’s room, because again he had a phobia, a fear of heights.”
“He has a fear of everything except driving other people up the wall,” I explained.
“And those other people who were here today,” Buddy said. “They all seem like cooked birds, too.”
“Well,” I replied, scratching my chin, “Sven is okay if you don’t piss him off, but that's a bullshit story about his so-called dueling scar. He really got cut up by a whore in Hamburg. Now, Doris, she’s your basic career panhandler, which may be morally repugnant but which doesn’t meet the clinical definition of insanity. And Daniel grew up Catholic but went to public school, and I think he actually wanted to have his ears boxed by nuns like a lot of the other kids he knew. So now he’s compensating by literally being more Catholic than the Pope.”
“I think I mentioned something about being roomies when we were drinking last night,” Buddy said. “But maybe living with you on a regular basis would be a little too -what’s the word?- ‘bohemian.’”
“Sure, I understand, Buddy,” I said, doing my best to act disappointed.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
I talked to Paulie for a couple of minutes and returned to my stool. Duke, a WWII veteran, ex-boxer, and former bookmaker, was regaling Buddy with an anecdote.
“My division was sent to the Philippines after the Germans surrendered,” Duke said. “There were nationalist guerillas in the hills, so we got combat pay, but all we ever did was eat bananas and go bowling. One guy I knew made a pet of a monkey, and he cried his eyes out when he couldn’t bring the thing back to the States with him. I heard he ended up marrying a woman who looked like a chimp.”
Buddy squirted some beer out of a nostril as he laughed at this. Duke insisted on giving us one last round on the house, and after drinking it we took our leave. As we were walking back to my apartment, I asked Buddy what he thought of Whitman’s.
“I know the place is kind of a halfway house for unattached male nuts,” Buddy answered. “But it’s a panic!”
The next day, Sunday, at a little after 4:00 p.m., Buddy and I were watching a football game when my doorbell rang. I pushed the intercom button and asked who was at the door.
“Let me in, you philistine,” a familiar voice announced.
“Come on up,” I said, pushing the door release. “It’s my friend Paulie,” I said to Buddy. “He drops in once in a while.”
“That’s cool,” Buddy shrugged.
I met Paulie Gomes at the door of my third floor walk-up. He was accompanied by Sven, a tall man with a shaved head and an ugly scar on his left cheek; Daniel, a middle-aged guy in a rumpled suit; and Doris, a mature woman who dressed in ragged clothing and carried four shopping bags filled with books, papers and other bags. Sven and Daniel were fellow insomniacs I knew from an all-night diner. Doris was a familiar figure who had a regular begging station in front of the local Baskin Robbins.
“I bumped into some friends!” Paulie smiled. He was a tiny fellow, about a hundred and ten pounds soaking wet, and on this occasion he was wearing a butterfly costume, complete with antennae, wings, black tights, and little slippers.
“Is that your Sunday best you’re wearing?” I asked.
“I’m doing a children’s play at a little venue in Inman Square,” Paulie said. “I want to stay in character as long as possible. And since lepidopterans don't carry luggage, I left my street clothes at the theater after today's matinee. I'll pick them up on Tuesday."
“Oh, you’re a character all right,” I replied.
I asked everyone in and introduced them to Buddy, who didn’t seem overly fazed by Paulie’s manner of dress. Paulie and Sven sat on the futon-couch, Daniel and Doris sat on the loveseat facing them, and Buddy and I sat on metal folding chairs on either side of my stereo, along a wall that was perpendicular to the other furniture. Paulie had assembled quite a crew. Sven was a reputed deserter from the French Foreign Legion. Daniel belonged to a quasi-Catholic sect whose members believed that the true pope was a twenty-year-old short order cook who lived with his mother in a dilapidated house near the Forest Hills MBTA station. Doris the bag lady was actually quite well off, but sometimes I gave her a buck in the hopes that she’d leave me something in her will.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The New York Times reports that the Pentagon used a group of high-ranking retired military officers, each now a military contractor, to appear on news shows and promote the Bush Administration’s Iraq policies. Here are some of their comments that didn’t make it on the air:
• Pay no attention to that Bush flunky clutching my balls.
• The United States has no chance winning in Iraq without my new combination night vision goggles/electric toothbrush.
• To show you how well my WMD detector works, we’ve hidden a nuclear bomb under one of your seats.
• Tim, I’m wearing a pair bullet-proof underwear and loving it!
• Oprah, let me just say this: You get a tank, and you get a tank, and you get tank and you get a…
A Washington Post article questions whether John McCain’s bad temper will prevent him from getting elected or affect his ability to govern. It might if his first State of the Union Speech begins with: My fellow Americans, you want a piece of me?
Pope Benedict XVI became the first pope to visit an American synagogue. He was greeted with cries of “Wow, now that’s a Yamaka!”
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Cartoons / Humor
Boston Outsider / Humor
For five years during the 1980s, when the People’s Republic of Cambridge still clung to a vestige of socialism, I lived in a rent-controlled, 1.5 room studio apartment just east of Harvard Square. It was cheap, and I didn’t own much of anything, so it wasn’t a bad arrangement. One Saturday night, as I sat in my tiny abode watching “Twilight Zone” on a New Hampshire UHF station, I got a call from my friend Buddy Feeney, who lived in Revere.
“Hey, Jimmy,” Buddy said. “I've got a big favor to ask. Would you mind if I stayed at your place for a while?”
“Shit, Buddy,” I answered. “You’ve seen how small this place is. Are you having problems at home again?”
“’Problems’ isn’t the word,” he replied. “If I stay here much longer, you’re going to be reading something awful about me in the Herald.”
“All right,” I said. “Just for a week or so. And make sure that somebody knows where you are.”
Buddy arrived the next night, toting a small suitcase. I gave him my visitor parking card so that his car wouldn’t get towed, and he settled in. After using the bathroom, he came back in the main room with a big smile on his face.
“I just took a piss with the bathroom door open,” he said gleefully. “I haven’t done that in eight years!”
“I’ve been pissing with the bathroom door open for quite a while now,” I said from my perch on a folded futon . “And it’s no big deal. Maybe I’m just jaded.”
“Listen,” Buddy said as he sat on a moth-eaten loveseat. “I know you think I’m a jerk for being here instead of with my wife and kids. You’ve seen Dragoslava lately. She’s still a hot little number after having three children, but life with her has turned into one, big pain in the ass. She and her relatives are the only Zaglavakians this side of Chicago, so my in-laws use my house as their own personal ethnic club. They come and go as they please, playing accordions and drinking plum brandy. And when they run out of plum brandy, they help themselves to my beer.”
“Call up ‘National Geographic,’” I laughed. “They can go to your house and film a special.”
“It’s no joke,” Buddy said, lighting a Marlboro. “You know what it’s like at Easter? A priest with a beard three feet long comes over and stinks up the place with incense. It’s supposed to be an exorcism. The whole tribe goes in the back yard and roasts a pig, and at the end of the night they dance around dressed like garden gnomes while Dragoslava’s grandmother lights firecrackers.”
“Don’t you remember?” I asked. “I was at one of those parties. The roast pig was delicious.”
“The pig tastes wonderful until you find out how much you’re being porked,” he replied, not cracking a smile.
I decided not to give any lectures about the sanctity of the marriage bond. The next six days passed smoothly. Buddy worked the night shift at UPS, and I worked days at a health insurance company, and we barely saw one another. Saturday evening rolled around, and I wondered when I should broach the subject of Buddy’s checkout time. At about six o’clock, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Square for a couple of beers.
“All right,” he said, enthusiastically. “Brewskies in freaky Cambridge!”
I brought Buddy to Whitman’s, a little watering hole that I often visited on J.F.K. Street. On the way there, as we were walking along Mass. Ave., a man in an Uncle Sam costume rode by on a unicycle.
“What’s with that character?” Buddy asked. “July Fourth was three months ago, and Halloween isn’t for another three weeks.”
“That guy always dresses like that,” I said calmly.
“You know, Jimmy,” Buddy answered. “You belong in this neighborhood.”
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Humor
Possible captions
• And then he’s driving me to Disneyland. What a country!
• One chocolate, one vanilla, both with jimmies.
• When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doing it for some doll.
• And finally I said, “Okay, you can drive the Popemobile.”
• No matter what I say, that stupid grin never leaves his face.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Cartoons / Humor
Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton and John McCain have branded Barack Obama an elitist for saying that small-town voters in economically distressed areas are “bitter.” Obama must take immediate steps to show he’s a regular guy. Here are some suggestions:
• Pledge to appoint a Secretary of NASCAR.
• Be videotaped at a firing range shooting at bottles of Gray Poupon.
• Pledge to use his position as ex-president to eventually earn $109 million in about eight years.
• Announce he’s started smoking again and is up to three packs of Camels a day.
• Dump his wife and marry a woman who is both babe-a-licious and heiress to a beer distributorship fortune.
The New York Times reports that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding a job. In fact, he’s so desperate he’s placed an ad on Monster.com reading, “Will say ‘I don’t remember' for food.”
John McCain outlined his plans to ease the burden on struggling American homeowners. The plan is very simple: If you no longer own a home, you won’t be struggling.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
It was late afternoon on the last Monday of August, eight days before the start of ninth grade. Weasel Mullins and I were pitching quarters against the wall of our junior high school when Nickie Tsakos came by.
“Where you been?” Weasel asked.
“Greek School,” Nickie moaned.
“What’s that, something to do with bum-blasting?” Weasel smirked.
“Ha, ha, Asshole,” Nickie said. “I go to my church and study ancient Greek. It’ll come in handy if I ever go back in a time machine and want to talk to Socrates. I’ll be doing it every weekday, once regular school starts.”
“I don’t have to do any Irish shit after school,” Weasel replied. “But if I were a girl I’d be stuck taking step-dancing lessons.”
“You’d look cute kicking up your heels in a green dress,” Nickie laughed. “You got the red hair and all.”
“You think Irish dancing is real funny?” asked Weasel, narrowing his blue eyes. “You know what ‘Greek dancing’ is slang for, don’t you?”
“Fuck you,” answered Nickie.
“Exactly,” cackled Weasel.
“What about you?” Nickie asked me. “You got any Italian duties?"
“On Wednesdays, you know, Prince Spaghetti Day, if my mother is busy watching ‘Dialing For Dollars,’ I have to stir the red gravy so it doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pot.”
“A Meatball who eats meatballs,” Weasel said. “It’s fucking cannibalism!”
“Well, what does your family eat on Wednesdays, Weasel?” I asked. “Plain boiled cabbage?”
“No, you ignorant Wop, we eat fried peat moss on Wednesdays,” Weasel snapped.
The three of us pitched quarters for about another hour when Manny Oliveira joined us. Manny was an immigrant from Portugal, a good-natured kid, but Weasel love to ride him.
“How’s it going, you foreign fuck?” Weasel greeted Manny.
“Is that nice, calling me a ‘foreign fuck’?” Manny asked. “At least make up something original.”
“All right, your new name is 'Linguicia Breath,'” Weasel answered.
“I’ve heard worse,” Manny smiled. “Now let me in this game.”
Manny kicked our asses, winning almost every round. About half the time he actually tossed “leaners.” Weasel was amazed at Manny’s advanced state of assimilation.
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Cartoons / Humor
Boston Outsider / Humor
I drive to Somerville today for my father’s memorial Mass, and who do I see in the church parking lot afterwards but Louie Malatesta, the owner of the Bonbon Salon, where I once worked. (“Straight as a pin, but ugly as sin,” is what we used to say about him.) He introduces me to his new wife, a cute little Filipino woman. I’ve heard that she brings him to Mass every Sunday and that she made him throw out his Bo Derek movie collection and his bong. She’s pregnant, and they seem happy.
After I drive Ma home to her condo, I go to the old neighborhood and take a look around. Our old house is still painted reddish brown, but the lawn Madonna is gone, and there’s a rainbow flag on the porch. I imagine that there’s a nice lesbian couple living there, and that in between softball games they have long heartfelt talks about being oppressed by the Patriarchy. Patriarchy. . . I remember that word from the Women’s Studies course I took as an elective at U.Mass. when I was going there nights for my business degree. It’s just a fancy way of saying that men can be jerks, but with four older brothers I didn’t need Women’s Studies to gain that insight.
Our old street is populated by professionals and Tufts professors now. I see a few helmeted children riding bikes around, and I laugh thinking that a kid who used a crash helmet back in my day would have been teased about it for the rest of his life. The four or five blocks where my brothers and I played were Kid Heaven. There were kids everywhere, running around and raising hell, kids and their mutt dogs.
Many of the canines were siblings to one another. There was a low-rent dog breeder on the other side of our block. He owned a male German shepherd and a female collie, both unfixed, and every time they had a litter, he’d sell the puppies for eight dollars each. The local children were all influenced by television, and so a female dog with collie features might get the name Lassie. Because “Hogan’s Heroes” was a popular series, dogs with dominant shepherd traits were often dubbed Klink, Schultz, Burkhhalter or Hochstetter, although a female could be Helga or Hilda. I suppose that a male poodle would have been called LeBeau after the French P.O.W. on the show, but this is a moot point, since the poodle breed was unknown in the neighborhood. A kid with a poodle would have been as big an outcast as a kid in a bicycle helmet.
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Humor
Possible captions
• You say surrender, I say invasion.
• And now, a very special edition of “Judge Judy.”
• My mistress wants to know who designs your pantsuits.
• Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
• Well, George Bush called me “one cute Kraut.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Boston Outsider / Humor
Now that my Friday shift at the Bonbon Salon is over, I’m sitting at one of the mirrors working on my own coif, using a ton of hair spray to get it nice and high, and in my head I’m saying, “Screw you” to all the hippies who bitch about the ozone layer, because I don’t take crap from people who piss me off. The streets here in Somerville are only semi-plowed after yesterday’s storm, and after I leave the shop and drive to my neighborhood, I get a nasty surprise. My parking space across from Mrs. Flaherty’s house, the space I shoveled myself and marked with two trash barrels, is occupied by a big black Oldsmobile, and I have to park three blocks from home instead of three doors away. Somebody is going to pay.
When I open the door at home, my big Italian nose picks up the scent of pasta fazool, the macaroni and bean soup that my mother makes on Fridays during Lent. It’s supposed to be meatless, but Ma starts it by sautéing salt pork and herbs in olive oil. She says that a little meat is okay if it’s, “just for flavor.” Yeah, right, I’d like to see the catechism where she found that loophole. When I go in the kitchen, I see that there are two soup pots on the stove, and I figure that Ma has invited her cousin Chooch, who has an appetite like a Clydesdale with the munchies, over for dinner.
“How was work today, Tina?” Ma asks when she sees me.
“Work was okay, Ma, but somebody stole my parking space,” I tell her, and she gives me a little sermon about loving your enemies. Then she shuts off the soup and heads to the cellar to do laundry.
Well, I decide to give my latest enemy some tough love. I go to the fridge, grab a carton of eggs, and bring them outside to where that stupid Olds is parked. Then I smash the whole dozen on the bastard’s windshield, hoping that the mess will freeze. I retrieve the trash barrels from the sidewalk, remembering to put the egg carton in one of them. I wouldn’t want to litter.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite allegations of fatal shootings of civilians and tax violations, the State Department has renewed Blackwater USA’s multimillion-dollar contract to protect diplomats in Baghdad. However, Blackwater, which has received almost $1.25 billion in federal contracts since 2000, must adhere to the following conditions:
• During training sessions, Blackwater cannot invade West Virginia.
• All Blackwater human resource personnel must follow the Geneva Conventions when interviewing persons for secretarial help.
• Each Blackwater employee must partake in a yearly comprehensive three-second review of the United States Constitution.
• No waterboarding USO entertainers.
• Monthly status reports must be printed on index cards (until George Bush leaves office).
According to just-released records, Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton have made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. And that’s not including money for Hillary’s upcoming book, “It Takes a Gated Village.”
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has formed a presidential exploratory committee and may seek the Libertarian party nomination. Possible campaign slogans include: “I’m not joking. I’m really running for president.”
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Boston Outsider / Humor
I wondered how I could rid myself of this mother lode of filth, and I immediately thought of my uncle Sal, who dealt in dubious merchandise. After locking up Richie’s treasure vault, I called Sal and made an appointment to see him on the following Saturday night.
When Saturday afternoon came, I was in Braintree at the Dom DiMaggio Lodge, the local headquarters of the International Society of Garibaldians. The Cattivo family was descended from a long line of anticlerical agitators, and so a memorial service at the lodge would be the closest thing to a funeral Mass that Richie would have. In attendance were a handful of lodge members, about twenty people from the Bunker, Richie’s sister Marie, and his daughter Lucretia. Richie’s ex-wife was conspicuously absent, which cemented her image as an evil shrew in the minds of Richie’s sales colleagues.
At the front of the room was a table bearing Richie’s college graduation picture, along with an urn containing his ashes. As I took the lectern to speak, I recalled something Richie once told me, “If you’re going to lie, make sure that the lie contains a grain of truth.”
Thinking of Richie’s fondness for strippers, I told my audience that the departed appreciated the performing arts. Awed at how Richie had managed to keep his perversion under the radar while amassing all those magazines, I said that he was a quiet man who loved to read. And in light of Richie’s admission that he had spent countless thousands of dollars on lap dances, I lobbed the biggest bullshit grenade of my life.
“We all know that he was a great salesman,” I said solemnly, looking out over the small crowd. “And I believe this was because Richie, in this cold, impersonal world, truly knew how to develop a sense of closeness with people.”
In the front row of mourners, a buxom redhead named Eileen, who had been the favorite object of Richie’s covert ogling, began to sob loudly. I almost started bawling myself.
After the service was over, Marie thanked me for speaking and asked if I had had a chance to inspect Richie’s storage locker.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s full of books.”
“Oh, yes, like you said, he loved to read,” she replied, smiling sweetly. “Are you going to keep them?”
“I’m going to donate them to a library,” I answered, too timid to call her bluff, if it was a bluff. “I’ll have that key for you next week.”
“The library. Richie would have wanted it that way,” she beamed.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
I took a deep breath and did my best to calm down. Zack gave me the name of the hospital where Richie had been taken. I said goodbye to Zack, called the hospital, and spoke to a friend who worked in Admitting. She confirmed that a Richard G. Cattivo had been dead on arrival earlier in the evening, and I felt like crap thinking that my last conversation with the poor sad bastard had consisted of wisecracks.
A couple of days later, Richie’s next of kin, his sister Marie, came to the Bunker to collect a few items that were in his desk. Ted, our shift manager, led her over to my work station and introduced us. She was a pretty woman of about fifty, with pleasant blue eyes. Ted went back to his office and let us have a few words alone.
“According to the autopsy, Richie must have died of a massive heart attack that morning,” Marie said. “That thing with the snake was post mortem. Mildred is off the hook.” She smiled wryly, sniffing back tears. It looked as if there was still a joker left in the Cattivo family.
“He talked about you a lot,” she continued. “I found a metal box full of documents at his apartment, and there was a note saying that he wanted you to have something of his if anything ever happened to him.” She reached into her purse and took out a key attached to a plastic tag with the name and address of a storage facility on it. On the key itself was a number that I assumed was the number of a locker. She handed me the key, and then she asked if I would speak at a memorial service that was to be held for Richie the following Saturday.
“Sure, I’ll say a few words” I answered, thinking that Richie had probably alienated all his old friends during his race to oblivion. “And I’ll give this locker key back to you after I see what he left me.”
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Cartoons / Humor
Boston Outsider / Humor
I soon realized that I was the only person at work who knew the truth about Richie. The official story in the “bunker,” which is what we called the windowless basement room in which we toiled, was that he had lost a lucrative job because of corporate downsizing and that he had left his wife because of infidelity, her infidelity. In one version of the soap opera, Mrs. Cattivo had dallied with the Roto Rooter man. Another rumor was that she had gotten involved with a group of high school athletes and had done something kinky with a lacrosse stick. Richie claimed that he wasn’t behind all the gossip, but conversely, he seemed to do nothing to dispel any negative notions about his ex.
He kept a low profile at work, never making overtures to female coworkers. (“I don’t shit where I eat,” is the way he put it.) Occasionally, when a well-endowed woman walked by, Richie would look at me and cup his own hands in front of his chest, Guy Sign Language for “nice rack,” but he always made sure that nobody was looking. And there were times when he would express remorse for ruining his marriage, and I would feel as if he was seeking some sort of absolution. But over the months, as his sales figures and commissions steadily rose, I could sense that he was growing restless.
“I’ve been looking to get my own place,” he said to me one day in the elevator after work. “Living with roomies is cramping my style. You live alone, right? I tell you what,” he continued, arching his eyebrows. “Let’s go to your place and call an escort service. We can get a couple of girls and have a little orgy. I’ve been doing pretty good at work, so it’s my treat”
“Richie,” I sighed. “My apartment is two lousy rooms. And the lease says that I can’t have pets or whores.”
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Humor
Possible captions
• They’ll let anybody work here.
• Should someone tell him there’s a Post-It note on his ass?
• That’s the guy who stole my lunch out of the refrigerator!
• …and you'll need to fill out this 401(k) application.
• I think he’s here to fix the copier.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During an appearance on ABC's “The View,” Barack Obama implied that his former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright regrets his incendiary statements. In fact, since retiring, Wright has pledged to:
• Bless a factory that manufacturers American flag lapel pins.
• Nominate the Tuskegee Syphilis Study for a long-deserved Nobel Prize in medicine.
• Criticize Rosa Parks for taking a white insurance executive’s seat on a bus.
• Thank policemen for taking an interest in his life each time they ask: “How can a black guy afford a car like this?”
• Let the world know that no man has contributed more to African American culture than Charlie Pride.
New Cuba President Raul Castro is letting citizens have cell phones, thereby allowing them to call friends and relatives to say, “Stroke, stroke, stroke.”
Mitt Romney appeared with John McCain at Republican fund-raiser in Utah. This was the hardest thing Romney has had to do since switching from Honduran to Guatemalan landscapers.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
It was twelve years ago, and I was working another silly job in a long line of silly jobs, doing inside sales for minimum wage plus commission, selling subscriptions to specialized pet magazines. It was cold calling, and I’m sure one can imagine how much fun it was to phone a hundred strangers a day and say, “Excuse me, do you or anyone else in your household own a mongoose?” or other pitches that sounded a lot like juvenile telephone gags.
Richie Cattivo worked there, too. He was a paunchy, balding guy with glasses and a moustache, who seemed to be a middle-aged Everyman. The word was that he was divorced and was being eaten alive by child support payments, and he really hustled for sales. He was such a good salesman that the manager let him handle all the fastest-moving products we were peddling: Iguana Monthly, Ferret Lovers’ Gazette, Gerbil World, etc. I, meanwhile, had low figures and was stuck pushing losers such as the Pygmy Goat Newsletter. Maaaaa. . . .
Richie was a hot shit. One night after we finished our shift, about five months after I met him, he had me cracking up as he told me all about his domestic situation.
“I’m rooming with a guy and a girl about twenty years old,” he told me. “They keep a boa constrictor and feed it live rats. And don’t bother calling them, because they already subscribe to Reptile Health. They screw at all hours and make noises from ‘Wild Kingdom,’ which makes me even more lonely. I’ve been eating in bars most nights so that I can get home after they’re tired out, and to save money I’ve been scarfing down a lot of free appetizers. I’ve had so many fried mozzarella sticks the last month, my ass is made of cheese,” he frowned.
“I have an idea, Richie,” I said. “Chinatown is on my way home, and I know a good place where we can get rice plates or noodles pretty cheap. Take a ride with me, and I’ll pop for dinner. You need to eat some vegetables, or you’ll be missing work for constipation.” He laughed and accepted my offer.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton learned this week that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is just not that into her. As a result, here are a few things suddenly removed from Richardson's schedule:
• Discuss upcoming fantasy football draft with Bill Clinton.
• Deliver key note speech to “It Takes a Village” chatroom.
• Judge Miss Chunky Chick beauty pageant.
• Be fitted for “Richardson/Clinton 2008" velour sweat suit.
• Say to Hillary Clinton each night, “Really? I didn’t know ‘La Bamba’ was your favorite song.”
Dick Cheney celebrated Easter at a nondenominational service in Jerusalem. It was his most profound religious experience since he cashed his first Haliburton check.
A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer, Texas. His campaign slogan is: “I never met a man on the Internet, claiming to be an underage girl, I didn’t like.”
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Humor
Possible captions
• Governor Spitzer, this position is going to cost you an extra $1000.
• Whoever holds her breath the longest will be my bride’s maid.
• I promise, this time no one will catch athlete’s head.
• The people at Cirque du Soleil said I was insane!
• Because Coach Caligula said so.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Boston Outsider / Humor
I came to St. Rocco’s in 1958, when the parish needed another priest who spoke the Neapolitan dialect. Father Scaramucci, the original pastor since 1915, was still here then. The man was a legend. For the first two years after his arrival in the United States, while the church was being constructed, he held Mass for other Italian immigrants in the back room of a salumeria -a delicatessen- and so the local Irish joked by calling him, “Padre Bologna.”
But he became an important man in the community, and now a street, a hospital wing, and a nursing home are named after him. Many who have prayed at his grave claim to have been cured of warts and moles. I lived with Father Scaramucci for ten years in the rectory, and I knew him, “warts and all,” as the saying goes. He sometimes skipped reading his Vespers to watch, “I Love Lucy.” He was addicted to spicy food, often eating a whole jar of pepperoncini at a time. When he would get agita from such imprudence, he would ask for Brioschi, a bicarbonate of soda imported from Italy. He said that Alka Seltzer didn’t help, and if we were out of Brioschi , he would send me to the North End to get the stuff. And he cheated at bocce! If he is ever a candidate for sainthood, I suppose I will have to reveal all this to the Devil’s Advocate.
After Father Scaramucci went to his reward, I became pastor, during the tumultuous aftermath of the Second Vatican Council. Not all of the Council’s reforms were well received. Mrs. Cantalupo, whose husband “Boom-Boom” was a well-to-do cement contractor, despised the Folk Mass we instituted, and she threatened to have the parish guitarist assassinated. She relented in her criticism after I appointed her to be the cook of the monthly Communion Breakfast. She was a difficult woman, but she made a delicious pepper-and-onion frittata.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Meg Whitman, eBay’s outgoing CFO, is going to co-chair John McCain’s national presidential campaign. Here are five fund-raising ideas she may not have considered:
• Highest bidder gets a Straight Talk Express steering column that keeps veering to the right.
• Top 10 bidders receive all-expense paid anything courtesy of Boeing.
• Top 25 bidders get to visit U.S. troops in Iraq any time during 2085.
• Top 50 bidders will spend a week with McCain’s mother at a fantasy shuffleboard camp.
• Top 100 bidders will receive a photo of McCain’s forehead on which is an image of the Virgin Mary.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been removed as “spiritual adviser” to the Barack Obama campaign. However, the campaign is in talks with a free agent spiritual advisor who has been clocked at 4.3 seconds in the 40-yard dash across water.
With the Pennsylvania Primary in mind, the Obama campaign is also entertaining thoughts of going with an Amish spiritual adviser.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
Diary, February 17, 1970:
Our first class of the day is gym, which is always a barrel of laughs. We’re the boys of section 8-A, supposedly the smartest class in eighth grade, but the gym instructor hates our guts. He has us twice a week, and sometimes he gets a kick out of pitting us against one of the juvenile delinquent sections in a game of “kamikaze basketball.” He’s a swarthy guy of about five-feet zero, and he was a high school hoop star for the city in the late 40s. At that height, he didn’t have much of an inside game, and so he was an outside shooter with the nickname, “Sal the Set Shot.”
Today Sal outdoes himself. After we suit up, he tells us to sit in the bleachers. Then he goes out to mid-court and sings several choruses of, “Is That All There Is?” a popular and depressing song about the pointlessness of existence. I don’t know if Sal is just having more fun with us, if he’s had an eye-opener of cheap whiskey for breakfast, or if he dresses up like Peggy Lee in his spare time, but the whole thing is bizarre. The show goes on for so long that we don’t even get any exercise.
Our second period English teacher is a substitute, a young, longhaired guy. At first the rumor about him was that he was a crazed Viet Nam vet, as in, “That guy had a nut blown off over there. Don’t get him mad!” But then it turned out that he was just another hippie out of U.Mass., and now all the burnouts ask him if he can get them any weed.
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Boston Outsider / Humor
I am an American of Italian ancestry, and I know that many of my co-ethnics were not thrilled with the way our tribe was portrayed on “The Sopranos.” But there were times when the show raised important questions, such as in the episode in which Paulie the capo and Silvio the consigliere argue as to whether the substance poured over pasta should be called “sauce” or “gravy.” It was a scene that hit home.
“Jimmy, you stupid fuck,” a dear friend once enlightened me. “Don’t call it sauce. If it’s got meat in it, it’s gravy”
Yes, meat is important in Italo-American culture. When I was growing up, no Fourth of July cookout at our house was complete without Italian sausages (hot and sweet) to show those burgers and hot dogs who was boss. Our fridge was always stocked with fine cold cuts. Once, when I was caught with a piece of genoa salami on a meatless Friday, I claimed that it was for my grandmother’s cat, and my mother countered by saying that the cat was a Third Order Carmelite, bound by vows to abstain from meat on both Fridays and Wednesdays.
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Cartoons / Humor
Humor
Possible captions
• Who stole my Emperor's Club coffee cup?
• I’ll tell you what’s sexy: typing 120 words a minute while wearing only crotchless panties!
• A thousand dollars an hour and she makes me pay for the minibar.
• So a priest, a minister, and Client 8 walk into a bar.
• Big deal! Kerry’s wife paid him more than $10,000 just to vacuum in his bicycle shorts.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Samantha Power, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and unpaid adviser to Barack Obama, resigned on Friday after calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth as demonstrated by the following comparison:
• Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist. Hillary Clinton was raised by an overbearing father.
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon was played by actor Ben Chapman (who recently died on February 21, 2008). Hillary Clinton is played by herself.
• Godzilla has appeared in 28 movies. Hillary Clinton has appeared in 20 presidential debates.
• Dracula sucked the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Hillary Clinton has sucked the innocence out of Barack Obama’s childhood.
• King Kong carried a woman to the top of the Empire State Building and then gently set her down. Who knows what Hillary Clinton did with most of Bill’s girl friends?
President Bush vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would’ve banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other interrogation techniques considered by most to be torture. Bush added, “In order for this administration to function, we must be able to torture both terrorists and the English language.”
A John McCain adviser said Karl Rove is now informally advising the campaign. McCain said it was purely coincidental that after their first meeting, the Senator remembered that one of his jailers in Vietnam was Hillary Clinton.
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Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Keys to this week’s Super Tuesday:
• Ohio -- Hillary Clinton must convince voters that only she can prevent Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from being moved to Bombay.
• Rhode Island -- Barack Obama needs to tailor his message to the nation’s tiniest state: Small Change We Can Believe In.
• Texas -- Remember, es la economía, estúpido.
• Vermont -- It’s a rocky road without the support of Ben & Jerry.
Dmitry Medvedev, Vladimir Putin's hand-picked successor, easily won Russia's presidential election, causing President Bush to complain, “If Clinton and Obama can’t pronounce his name, what chance have I?”
John McCain has refused to renounce the endorsement of Texas televangelist John Hagee who is accused of being anti-Catholic, anti-gay, and anti-black. An amazed McCain added, “And yet he doesn’t hate the Jews.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Ralph Nader announced he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
• Yeah, it’s me again.
• My suit will be ready on day one.
• Admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like if I were in charge.
• Can you spare some change we can believe in?
• If I don’t win this time, my relatives will have me committed.
The Bush administration announced U.S. telecommunications companies have agreed to cooperate “for the time being” with spy agencies’ wiretaps -- as long as surveillance targets agree to a two-year service contract that includes phone, cable, and Internet.
John McCain denied his campaign is being run by lobbyists -- during his daily Verizon press conference and before his Sealy Posturepedic nap.
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Humor
Possible captions
• Would the person who stole my wife’s batteries please return them?
• Cindy will next pretend she’s trapped in an invisible box.
• If you don’t believe she has her own opinions, pull the string in her back.
• She’s a great gal, particularly when I switch her to vibrate.
• We were introduced by a mutual friend, Madame Tussaud.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Struggling to close a $4.4 billion deficit, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their illegal drugs. Here are some other taxes and fees the governor should consider:
• Prostitutes are levied a graduated booty tax, which would depend on how much junk they’re packing in their trunk.
• Salespeople must buy a license to sell fake Rolex watches out of a car.
• Squeegee men must charge a 10 percent tax on each vehicle which can be collected by threatening to urinate on it.
• Crack addicts will pay an excise tax on all valuables stolen to supply their habit. Amy Winehouse will be charged double.
• Police must pay a tax on all bribes and payoffs, but can deduct the cost of laundering dirty cash. There is also a 10 percent reduction if your name is Serpico.
President George H.W. Bush has endorsed John McCain -- but only after son Neil emerged from a Bangkok brothel and announced he wasn’t running.
In the Netherlands, people protested outside a theater where a 104-year-old singer who once performed for Adolf Hitler sang for the first time in four decades. He didn’t help his cause when he goose-stepped across the stage using a walker.
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Humor
Possible captions
• The San Francisco City Council is now in session.
• Another Match.com satisfied customer.
• Which way to the Chippendale Dancers Reunion?
• Yes we have a complaint. You put way too much starch in our leather shorts.
• We’re here for the Sen. Larry Craig birthday party.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
Barack Obama won the Maine caucuses. Exit polling showed him doing very well with voters 34-67 and lobsters baked and broiled.
Hillary Clinton has replaced her campaign manager with longtime aide Maggie Williams. Williams’ new strategy is to focus less on cold and more on calculating.
Hillary Clinton has refused to release her tax returns until she wins the Democratic presidential nomination – or at least until Bill can find all his receipts form Hooters.
Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis. It was very emotional. They hugged and then Solis went to the hospital to be treated for ice burns.
Barack Obama won a Grammy. The question is: In a General Election, will he be able to beat a Grampy?
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Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
On Saturday, Barack Obama easily swept the Louisiana, Washington, and Nebraska presidential contests. Key factors included:
• Louisiana -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for Fats Domino’s piano style.”
• Nebraska -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for the popularity of corn on the cob.”
• Washington -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for rainy weather and the Windows operating system.”
After winning the Kansas caucuses, Mike Huckabee said, “I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.” His next miracle: President McCain appoints him Secretary of Freebies.
Dick Cheney joined with lawmakers in signing a Supreme Court brief that goes further in support of gun rights than the one submitted by the Bush administration. He then boarded an F-16 fighter jet to go pheasant hunting.
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Humor
Possible captions
• Introducing the new and improved George Foreman Voting Machine.
• Should I release the trap door now, Mr. Clinton?
• No, Sen. Clinton, this voting machine doesn’t make your ass look big.
• I’m sorry, this didn’t happen the last time I sawed a presidential candidate in half.
• Hey, who wrote, “For a good time, call Bill Clinton.”?
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
Maria Shriver is supporting Barack Obama while her husband, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, is supporting John McCain. To save their marriage, Wolf Blitzer will be moderating all dinner conversation.
Mike Huckabee complained that he always gets questions about God when he'd rather talk about public policy. “For example,’ he said, “no one asks me about how Christ will lower the deficit.”
John McCain is trying to reassure Republicans that he is conservative enough. Yesterday, he gave an oil executive a foot massage.
President Bush has proposed the nation's first-ever $3 trillion budget, most of which will be used to settle lawsuits from Dick Cheney hunting accidents.
A Romney win on Super Tuesday would be brutal for John Edwards. All he’d be thinking is: “That could’ve been my hair up there.”
The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Hillary is wearing her lucky pantsuit.
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Cartoons / Humor
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five biggest questions that will decide Super Tuesday:
• Does Romney have enough hair gel to cover 20 States?
• Can Hillary Clinton get her likeability ratings above Osama bin Laden’s?
• Will Rush Limbaugh’s meds kick in before his attacks on John McCain cause irreparable damage?
• Can Bill and Hillary stop Roger Clinton from endorsing Barack Obama?
• Will Mike Huckabee be able to channel an endorsement from Stonewall Jackson?
Bad week for Rudy #1 -- Rudy Giuliani's concession speech included thanks to his wife, Judith, her daughter, Whitney -- but not his own kids. Apparently, he’s still angry at them for skipping Thanksgiving at his mistress’ apartment.
Bad week for Rudy #2 -- Diego Caiola of Miami Beach gives a two-hour Gianni Versace Murder Tour that ends in front of the mansion where the former fashion designer was shot. It's almost as popular as the tour that ends where Rudy Giuliani's candidacy died
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Humor
Possible captions
• Together we can burp.
• The audacity of diaper rash.
• And you’re still voting for Hillary?
• And this is my impression of Marty Feldman.
• And then Oprah said, “Everybody in the audience is getting a free baby!”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
The decision by Ted and Caroline Kennedy to endorse Barack Obama has pit two of America’s prominent political families, the Kennedys and Clintons, against each other. Kind of like Playboy vs. Penthouse.
Last night, President Bush delivered his final State of the Union speech. It seems like yesterday a confused and clueless man stood before the American people…wait, that was yesterday.
An L.A. Times story said, “President Bush delivered his seventh and likely final State of the Union address Monday.” “Likely?” Is Bush thinking about inviting the Supreme Court to be his MySpace friends?
Yesterday, Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama. Today, in a hastily-organized press conference, actor George Kennedy said he’s leaning towards Hillary Clinton.
Yesterday, Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama. It’s amazing how fast things change. Two weeks ago, Kennedy couldn’t pronounce “Barack Obama.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s easy victory in the South Carolina Democratic primary and his overwhelming support from blacks indicate the Clintons have not reached out enough to African Americans. Here are some suggestions for Bill and Hillary:
• Secure a new quote from Toni Morrison: “Hillary Clinton will be the nation’s first Black Panther president.”
• Post a Hillary and Charles Rangel “I Got You Babe” duet on YouTube.
• Suggest the Clinton’s are equally involved in the White- and Blackwater scandals.
• Claim that Hillary’s mother marched with Martin Luther King and George Romney.
• Spread a rumor: Barack Obama’s real father was a Rhodesian plantation owner named Emil.
John McCain has accused Mitt Romney of being a manager and not a leader. Romney responded with a scathing PowerPoint presentation.
Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama. Asked why, she responded: “After marrying a Jew, endorsing a black for president was the only way I could get my grandfather to roll back over in his grave.”
Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Liz has signed on as one of Mitt Romney's senior foreign policy advisers. Her best advice: "Whatever my dad did, do the opposite."
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Humor - Working together can sometimes strain a relationship. Bill and Hillary Clinton are no different from other couples.
Possible captions
• He’s 6 ft 2½ in tall, has white hair, and will probably tell you I don’t understand him.
• Don’t take this as a threat, but I’ve made interns disappear.
• Excuse me, my husband is missing. Can I use you as bait?
• Nice outfit. Does it come in a pantsuit?
• And then he’ll ask you where he can stuff your tax rebate.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Politics
Actor Chuck Norris, a Mike Huckabee supporter, said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to be president. Being too old didn’t stop Norris from starring in his last 10 movies.
Democrats outside the United States can now vote online. No one has been helped more Dennis Kucinich who’s already received 4,000 votes from Mars.
Hillary Clinton was so angry at Barack Obama during last night’s debate she almost told him to go sleep on the couch.
Democrats now have a white man, a black man, and a woman running for president. This is like trying to pick your favorite character on “Mod Squad.”
To save money, Mike Huckabee is no longer scheduling planes and buses for journalists covering his presidential campaign. However, he will stay in constant contact with them using his new Mullet Cam.
In Florida, Mitt Romney has started running ads in Spanish. He’s also working on another one that shows him helping Menudo climb over a border fence.
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Humor - “’Troubled singer’ is my first name” Amy Winehouse appeared at a British courthouse to provide support for husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who pleaded innocent to charges of causing grievous bodily harm with intent to pub landlord James King.
Winehouse’s appearance was also a way of emphasizing to her husband: “This is what you’re going to look like when your cellmate decides to make you his bitch.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Bush administration is about to announce the overhaul of FEMA. Among the changes:
• To eliminate confusion, disaster victims will be told to flee their homes in alphabetical order.
• If relief does not arrive for flood victims within a reasonable amount of time, Anderson Cooper can be used as a floatation device.
• People living in FEMA trailers must also be provided with biohazard pajamas.
• President Bush must be notified within six months upon the commencement of a major emergency response.
• FEMA’s toll-free emergency phone line has added the following item to its menu of options: “Press 9 to find out if anybody is in charge.”
John McCain has won the South Carolina Primary, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Hillary Clinton has won the Nevada Democratic caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Mitt Romney has won the Nevada Republican caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
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Politics / Humor - Politics
Rudy Giuliani asked an evangelical congregation in Miami not for their votes, but for their prayers – and the name of a discreet out-of-the-way hotel.
Mitt Romney told an audience in Michigan, “If I'm president of the United States, I will not rest until Michigan is back.” He then told some jokes at the expense of his home state Massachusetts.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have agreed that arguing over civil rights could harm their party's chances to win the White House. So tomorrow, they’ll issue a joint press release attacking the part in John Edwards’ hair.
Mitt Romney called his win in the Michigan primary “a victory of optimism over Washington-style pessimism.” His financial backers called it a stay of execution.
Asked about husband Bill's infidelity on the “Tyra Banks Show,” Hillary Clinton said, “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever.” And he never doubted her willingness to take a meat cleaver to his privates.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, is asking for a recount. Kucinich is suggesting possible voter fraud, but there may be other reasons for his low number of votes:
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
• Members of “Short People for Kucinich” couldn’t reach his button on the voting machines.
• Experts underestimated the ability of “Vegans for Hillary” to get out the vote.
• People can’t get the image of Eleanor Roosevelt with a pierced tongue stud out of their heads.
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal was arrested the day before the New Hampshire primary in Nashua, N.H. on a charge of drunken driving -- just minutes after he announced Clinton was beating Obama among 18-39-year-old moose.
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Politics / Humor - Politics
The Clinton campaign is energized after winning the N.H. Primary. In fact they’ve now scheduled their candidate to spontaneously almost cry every other Tuesday.
In his post N.H. Primary speech, an optimistic Mitt Romney said, “I've gotten two silvers and one gold.” At some point, voters may not be impressed with his 38 bronze.
Obama has to keep his N.H. Primary second-place finish in perspective. Four years ago, most people thought Barack was IKEA’s line of Moroccan chairs.
John Edwards assured his supporters he’s staying in the campaign. This may not be enough for people who still aren’t aware he’s in it.
It wasn’t a great night for the polls which also predicted 75% less filling, 25% taste great.
Today is the New Hampshire primary and tomorrow those locals who, every four years, hang out in diners while delighting the media with their homespun political wisdom, go back to being their town’s respective village idiots.
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Cartoons / Humor
Television / Humor - “How to Look Good Naked,” a new show on Lifetime, seeks to h
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