Politics / Humor I had sex with those women -- Tiger Woods’ performance at his press/public relations conference was almost perfect in every way. He was contrite, apologetic, and humble. However, Tiger could’ve taken a lesson from Scott Brown by saying:
"I cheated."
"I am deeply sorry."
“This is my pickup truck.”
Politics / Humor Vice Presidents behaving badly -- Did you catch last weekend’s schoolyard fight between Dick Cheney and Joe Biden? I’m not sure who won, but it gave the pundits much to talk and blog about after recess. The biggest disappointment was that we couldn’t send the two home with a stern note for their parents.
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to veto me? -- The Virginia Senate has voted to allow concealed weapons permit holders to carry guns in restaurants that serve alcohol, as long as they don’t drink. Have they really thought this through? Who is going to tell a Karaoke bar patron packing heat that he’s sung one too many versions of “Feelings”? Good luck trying to persuade Steven Segal wannabes to share their beer nuts.
Jenny Craig goes to Washington -- President Obama has created a deficit reduction commission tasked with eliminating $14.3 trillion in government red ink. Here are some suggestions to hit the ground running: 1) Commission should skip the ornate board rooms and meet at Denny’s -- and then only order off the children’s menu. 2) Don’t take anything off the table -- including leasing Connecticut to Aetna. 3) Effective immediately, Dept. of Defense starts buying weapons at CostCo.
If, after all this, the Republicans threaten to boycott any decisions made by the commission, it's time for Obama to get tough and order the EPA to ban whatever substance John Boehner is using to give his complexion that lovely orange glow.
Strap the tea partiers on the roof, he’s ready to go -- Mitt Romney was busy at this week’s Conservative Political Action Committee conference in Washington, rallying the troops for another Romney for President road trip. Reason number one to vote for Mitt? Paint a Hitler mustache on him and he’s still the best looking candidate.
Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - A funny animated (stop motion) movie about alien hats trying to take over a middle school in Harlem, New York. When the teachers are overmatched by the hats, the students fight back and save the day. Collaboratively written by Merrill Kazanjian and the Students of St. Hope Leadership Academy.
Humor - The recession is ringing in a new era of lowered expectations. The same applies for relationships. Money and good looks are fine, but for now, how about someone with a kind heart and a willingness to share their government cheese?
Gals, look no further. Meet Don Sizing. He's a bailout boy who just may be into you, and he’s just a click away on Nothing Personal Ads & Advice -- if you get there first.
Humor / Politics - After slipping into the U.S. Senate when other ethically-challenged politicians wouldn’t have even tried, Senator Roland Burris is heading down the homestretch.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
Keep changing your story, Roland. The water is getting muddier.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
What’s that you say? You helped Rod Blagojevich smuggle guns into Serbia in 1992 or was it 1993? No problem. Just keep changing those names and dates. Sooner or later we’ll lose track and lose interest.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
And remember, it never hurts to refer to your second and third mausoleums, even if they don’t exist. Confusion and distraction are your best friends.
“I think I can stay in the Senate. I think I can stay in the Senate.”
Humor - Kudos to fictitious cyber sex therapist and columnist Joy Billington. Joy’s column appears in Online Offbeat’s sister Web site, Nothing Personal Ads & Advice. She was recently interviewed by a reporter from Men’s Health magazine. Things were going smoothly until MH’s crack journalist apparently figured out she was corresponding with a figment of someone’s imagination. The correspondent hasn’t been heard from since.
That doesn’t mean Joy’s wonderful and insightful advice must go to waste. The subject: What are the top mistakes men make while having cyber sex?
Men are men. At the first sign of virtual cleavage, they rush to have virtual sex without proper virus protection.
Men never consider that the lusty lass from Lancaster with whom they’ve been sharing online hot oil massages may actually be their bowling buddy from Beford.
Men think they can double fake it, but women always know when guys are checking their e-mail during cyber cuddling.
Men tend to rush things. Rule of thumb: never ask your partner’s imaginary twin sister to join the fun until the third date.
Don’t confuse addiction with endurance. You may have a problem if you’ve typed “Who’s your daddy?” more than 1000 times in one cyber encounter.
Politics / Humor - Guest contributor, Merrill Kazanjian - January, 2009 is a historic month. Barack Obama will become out first African American President and George W. Bush will become out first President in Outer Space (At least if the American people had their way). Other cameos by Alan Greenspan (pouring out his 40 for his dead Wall Street homies), Hillary Clinton (still campaigning to the right of Obama), John McCain (far left), Tim Gunn (right of Obama), Vicente Fox, Henry Kissinger, Al Gore mixed in with several other "characters."
Humor - Do you think you know the true meaning of Christmas? While your chestnuts are roasting and Jack Frost’s nipping at your toes, take this simple test and find out.
Question: While trying to save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks during a holiday sale, you inadvertently trample a Wal-Mart employee to death. Do you:
A: Demand compensation for the damage done to your shoes?
B: Donate the 25 cents you saved to the deceased employee's memorial fund?
C: Send the deceased employee’s next of kin, at no charge, the video you shot with your cell phone that shows the paramedics frantically trying to revive the victim?
D: Tearfully explain to an “Action News” TV reporter that “Even though I caused this person’s death just so I could save 25 cents on a pack of tube socks, I really am a good Christian."?
If you selected any of the above, award yourself a cup of eggnog and start strategizing for Costco’s “Day After Christmas, Two-for-One, 50-Gallon Drum, Dinty Moore Beef Stew” sale.
Politics / Humor- Get on board the Shove Train
You thought riding the T during rush hour couldn’t get more unpleasant? Think again, Claustrophobic Breath. The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority is introducing rush hour Red Line cattle trains with no seats. Ok, they’re leaving in a couple for handicapped riders, but even Mussolini’s trains had wheelchair ramps (so I’ve heard).
Why stop there? There are countless ways you can cram a subway car. Here are just a few.
Politics / Humor- In her bra and under the table
The FBI is subpoenaing records from All Checks Cashed check-cashing stores in search of other places former State Senator Dianne Wilkerson may have hidden money. Here are a few other leads the agency is chasing down:
For three years, Wilkerson had a no-show job at the Little Bit of Ecuador Landscape Service.
During her first term in office, the former senator worked as a part-time exotic dancer until a constituent stuffed thousand-dollar bills into her G-string, causing her to tip over and break a hip.
Wilkerson has purchased Victoria Secret specialty bras in three sizes: fives, tens, and twenties.
To avoid taxes, Wilkerson may have stashed thousands of dollars in a Cayman Islands halter top.
A video has reportedly turned up on YouTube showing Wilkerson stuffing money into City Counselor Chuck Turner’s pants while asking, “Can you break a twenty?”
Politics / Humor - Boston City Hall is so ugly...
Boston City Hall was named by the Web site, VirtualTourist.com as the world’s ugliest building. But don’t despair. It doesn’t take much to turn an awful edifice into a sassy structure. For example:
Replace the roof with a wooden shingle comb-over.
Install curtains in the Memino Rumpus Room.
Audition for the reality show, “Trading Municipal Spaces.”
Hire a structural therapist to help BCH feel better about itself.
If all fails, get an estimate from the guy who works on Joan Rivers.
Politics / Humor
Toll hikes voted by the Mass Turnpike Board (along with its new slogan: “If you have to ask how much, you should be hitchhiking”) have given new meaning to the term “road rage.” But there are ways to beat the system. Here are just a few:
Find a 13-year-old computer geek who can re-program your Fast Lane device.
Politics / Humor
Fidelity announced it's cutting 1,300 jobs. It also used the occasion to unveil its new Asset Mismanagement and Stifled Growth funds.
Rumor 1: Deval Patrick will leave office to take a job in the Obama administration -- just as soon as he can find 1200 college students willing to rent his Berkshire manse for $27,000 a month.
Rumor 2: John Kerry will leave office to be Barack Obama's Secretary of State -- just as soon as his possible successor, Marty Meehan, can hire an excavator to dig up his war chest.
Rumor 3: Ray Flynn will leave no particular office to be Barack Obama's Ambassador to the Knights of Columbus.
Officials are scrambling to prepare for the State's newly-liberalized marijuana laws. Backers of the bill assured authorities they should "just chill out and pass the Doritos."
Politics / Humor - What a difference a different administration makes
How will President Obama's White House be different from President Bush's? Here are just a few ways.
The president's personal security code will be changed from one to ten digits.
Daily security briefings will no longer be delivered by hand puppets.
Barbecued Fluffernutters will no longer be served at state dinners.
The president will no longer be asked to step out of the room every time the vice
president has something important to say.
The ban on head-of-state visitors with hard-to-pronounce names will be lifted.
Politics / Humor - It's not a Barack lock
Barack Obama may be leading in most polls, but anything can happen during these last hours before the final vote. Here are just a few ways he could lose.
An ill-advised pledge to pardon O.J. Simpson
The premature introduction of his Treasury Secretary, George Soros
A proposal to replace the Pledge of Allegiance with the fist bump
The revelation that Barck Obama's aunt, who's been living illegally in the United States in a Boston public housing project, has also been collecting a disability pension for the time she worked as a prison matron at the Hanoi Hilton.
A surprise attack of dyslexia during a speech, resulting in: "Stupid, it's the economy!"
Politics / Humor - Tips for undecided voters
Dear Undecided Voters,
I realize it’s nearly impossible to choose a president based on only watching candidates campaign for 20 months. So here is some advice that will help make your decision easier.
Think of one candidate as boxers and the other briefs.
Chances are you'll never have a beer with either candidate, anyway.
Barack Obama is the black one. John McCain is the old one.
Not having a full grasp of the facts never stopped Sarah Palin from being decisive.
Pretend that guy who always stands behind you in fast food restaurants screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!" is standing behind you in the voting booth screaming, "Will you please make up your mind!"
Politics / Humor- It's not over until the stuffed lady is elected president of her cell block
Dianne Wilkerson may have been busted, but she's also a bust size away from being re-elected. With her base energized to vote for Barack Obama, all she needs is a catchy phrase or two to whip up her troops. Consider the following:
Let her who is without sin stuff the first bra.
Today is the first day of the arrest of your life.
Woman does not live by silicone implants alone.
We have nothing to fear but fear, and a man with a camera and microphone posing as a developer.
No one asks how many years Dolly Parton has been taking payoffs.
Politics / Humor - John McCain, I don't need no stinkin' McCain!
John McCain's presidential hopes may be sinking into the sunset. Perhaps it's time to contemplate a Sarah Palin presidential campaign in 2012. Here's just a little of what we can expect.
I'm pleased to introduce my running mate, Joe the Plumber.
Even people who believe global warming exists have to admit Alaska grows a great pineapple.
Our daughter Bristol has chosen to keep her seventh child and will marry the Anchorage branch of Hell's Angels.
I will not have unconditional talks with the governor of any Blue State.
Politics / Humor - How do you stuff a wild state senator?
Playtex announced that Dianne Wilkerson will be endorsing its new "Cross Your Heart with Cash Bra." The garment has been designed to lift and separate bribes, kickbacks, slush funds, and any other piece of the action.
Wilkerson says she will make a public statement, but only after finishing filming her final installment of "Cops: The Diane Wilkerson Story."
Wilkerson will also receive this year's Marion Barry Lifetime Achievement Award in honor of her dedication to staying one step ahead of the law -- almost.
If you would like to contribute to the Dianne Wilkerson Defense Fund, please stuff any undergarment with cash and send it to her immediately.
Edward Pinkney, a 60-year-old minister in Michigan, is running for Congress from prison where he is serving time for election fraud and other charges. His campaign slogan is: "This really isn’t as bad as it looks.”
Pinkney's supporters have been urged to attend next week's rally / breakout.
The Republican National Committee has spent over $150,000 to clothe and accessorize Sarah Palin This coincides with the announcement of her proposed economic stimulus package: Shop till you drop.
Palin’s biggest expense? Designer glasses that give her mind a narrower look.
Politics / Humor - Tinklenberg Tinklenberg Rising Star
What kind of election year has this been? It's been the kind of year where a Democratic congressional candidate named Elwyn Tinklenberg has a shot at beating a conservative incumbent in America's heartland.
Campaign donations have been flooding in to former Blaine, Minnesota Mayor Tinklenberg since his opponent, Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann's McCarthy-esque interview with Chris Mathews on “Hardball.”
Forget about the magnitude of electing a black man named Barack Hussein Obama as president. Electing anybody named Elwyn Tinklenberg to anything is a far greater achievement. An Elwyn Tinklenberg for Student Council Secretary poster could not stay taped to a high school corridor wall for 15 seconds.
Tinklenberg actually has a chance of being elected to the United States Congress where he will be able to stand, like may of his predecessors, and proudly proclaim: “I was not influenced by the millions of dollars I accepted from the Chinese Lead Toy industry. How dare anyone besmirch the good Tinklenberg name!”
Maybe the country isn't ready for a President Elwyn Tinklenberg, but nerdy kids all over America now have a role model they can look up to -- while enduring their tenth wedgie of the day.
Politics / Humor - If you have to ask “how much,” you can’t afford to get elected
Barack Obama raised $150 million in September. How will he spend it? Here are a few suggestions.
The 2009 Lexus “Change We Can believe In” limited edition
A solid gold, diamond-encrusted thank you note for Colin Powel
Free HBO for every voter
One hundred million “God Damn, America’s a Great Place!” bumper stickers
Politics / Humor - Budget cutbacks fall on RMV
Due to a $2 million budget reduction, the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles will cut branch hours. But shorter hours won’t be the only noticeable changes in customer service.
The eye test will now consist of answering the following question: How many middle fingers am I holding up?
Road tests will now include driving RMV employees to Dunkin Donuts.
Customer lines will be automatically closed when they reach the New Hampshire border.
Bring your own license photo. However, naked pictures will not be allowed for people more than 25 pounds overweight.
Registrar Rachel Kaprielian will listen to all complaints -- but only from an underground bunker in an undisclosed location.
Politics / Humor - The pros and antis of being an America
According to Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (see video below), the media should investigate liberal members of Congress to “find out if they are pro-America or anti-America.”
This raises an important question: If you are liberal, how do you know if you are pro-America or anti-America. Answering the following questions may help you find an answer.
Does your food co-op stock organic explosives?
Have you ever asked a candidate running for office if he or she is an Arab?
Was Louis Farrakhan the best man at your wedding?
Do you wear your American flag pin in the shower?
Did you hold your first Tupperware party at William Ayers’ house?
Do you think the most important qualification for being vice president is knowing how to skin a moose?
Have you never forgiven Emma Goldman for not recycling?
Do you fear Mr. Peanut’s vote will be stolen by Mr. Acorn?
Do you detest Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher because he’s a stupid lug who isn’t even licensed to snake a toilet?
Do you love Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher because he’s a stupid lug who isn’t even licensed to snake a toilet?
Politics / Humor - State Senator Dianne Wilkerson, who lost to Sonia Chang-Diaz in the primary, may face disbarment proceedings for lying during her nephew’s murder trial. She is also being asked to pay for a new bible after the one she was swearing on exploded.
Senator Wilkerson still intends to run for re-election as a write-in candidate. Despite her primary loss and ongoing legal problems, only two politicians -- Gov. Deval Patrick and State Senate President Therese Murray -- are supporting Chang-Diaz in the General Election. Said a non-committed Boston Mayor Menino: “I have no intention of pissing off the African American community -- and I can say that with absolute conviction because no one can understand what I’m saying.”
Police union members protesting new rules allowing some roadway projects to go on without paid police details, picketed two work sites in Everett and Revere. Revere police Captain James Guido spurred his men on by reciting his “I have a dream job” speech.
Massachusetts Treasurer Tim Cahill asked the Federal Reserve and U.S. Treasury if the state can take out a short-term federal loan if credit markets remain frozen and the state can’t pay its bills. The government answered, “No, but we can lend you some lovely Lehman Brothers paper weights.”
The Boston Herald has endorsed John McCain for president. Angry readers responded: “What about Jack Bauer?”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Okay, she’s not running for president. But what could we expect from a Sarah Palin presidency?
”Uh oh! General Petraeus, winking at you was NOT my signal to attack Russia!”
”Why would an intelligent person have to read an Intelligence Report?”
”I’m a firm believer in No Child Left Behind. But we also need to focus on the right cheek.”
”My fellow Joe Six packs,…”
”You call yourself a Treasury Secretary? Where’s your treasure map?”
Experts believe a national push to register convicted felons to vote could help Barack Obama -- so says the head of the organization, Chain Gangs We Can Believe In.
The Supreme Court begins a new term with cases including a government crackdown on obscene words on television. The case is U.S v. Kiss my #40&?#%&, you *&^%$!
Under pressure to raise money, New York State is contemplating leasing some of its assets to private contractors. Among the items being considered would be the Verizon-Times Square Hookers.
Politics / Humor - Gov. Deval Patrick signed a bill that lowers the blood donor age to 16. This corresponds with last year’s new law that lowered the minimum age for getting a vampire license.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five things to watch for after the $700 billion bailout is passed:
The Treasury Department will start printing $1 billion dollar bills.
John McCain will promise that “if I’m elected president, the $700 billion bucks stop here.”
Barack Obama will scale back his proposed middle class tax cut to “pocket change we can believe in.”
Sarah Palin will start talking about God’s financial plan.
All government correspondences will be printed on old Lehman Brothers stationary.
Democratic Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson is seeking a 10th term even though he’s under indictment for accepting bribes. When asked how he could possibly run for reelection while defending himself, Jefferson said, “Multitasking.”
Neither candidate scored a knockout punch in Friday night’s presidential debate. But give John McCain credit; it’s not easy to debate while your campaign is suspended.
During the debate, John McCain kept saying Barack Obama didn’t understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. Sarah Palin later emphasized the point by saying a tactic is a tiny mint.
Politics / Humor - Sonia Chang-Diaz finally defeated 15-year incumbent Dianne Wilkerson for the office of state senator. The victory, however, will not be official until Chang-Diaz drives a wooden spike into Wilkerson’s chest.
A stunned Dianne Wilkerson would only comment, “I thought the last-minute endorsement by John Buonomo was going to push me over the top.
The Massachusetts Republican Party has opened a Metrowest operation to help elect John McCain. Its new slogan: “Who hasn’t contradicted themselves five times in one speech?”
Half of all Massachusetts public schools this year failed to meet the standards established under the No Child Left Behind Act. However, most did meet more of the standards established under the No Child Left in the Car While Mom and Dad Gamble at Foxwoods Act.
Governor’s Councilor Kelly Timilty, who admitted forging Gov. Deval Patrick’s signature her on campaign mailings and falsely claiming he was endorsing her, was reelected. She thanked her supporters, and key advisors Mohandas Gandhi and President Woodrow Wilson.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain spent time on Saturday attending his U.S. Naval Academy 50th class reunion. He had such a great time he said he may not even later deny he had a great time.
Sarah Palin will be meeting with Afghan President Hamid Karzai next week in New York. It wasn’t in her original plans, but she couldn’t get tickets to “The Lion King.”
A federal judge ordered Dick Cheney to preserve many of his vice presidential records -- including the location of where he hid the Constitution.
According to a poll, people would rather watch a football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain. This is the first time more people wanted to do anything with a Democrat since they voted Bill Clinton their favorite wing man at a strip club.
President Bush is pushing for Congress to approve a free-trade deal with Colombia -- after which he will propose a federal bailout of the cocaine industry.
Politics / Humor - Five possible reasons why Deval Patrick, Michael Capuano, and Tom Menino are supporting Dianne Wilkerson for re-election:
Everybody deserves a 20th or 21st chance in life.
She’s promised them guest appearances on “America’s Most Wanted.”
“When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doing it for some doll.”
They need her for the Jim Marzilli roast.
It’s change we can heave in.
Boston officials are installing a variety of fitness equipment at every city fire station. The Boston firefighters union is providing additional instructions on how to safely go for a disability-causing burn.
Former Governor Jane Swift is leading John McCain “truth squad,” defending vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. An energized Swift told McCain, “Just give me a helicopter and I’m there.”
The Boston City Council is considering conducting its business in secrecy. Confused citizens responded, “The Boston City Council conducts business?”
Joe Biden, raised $900,000 at two Massachusetts fundraisers. This breaks the previous record it took to make him stop talking.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Are you concerned that Sarah Palin’s international travel credentials only include trips to Ireland, Germany, Kuwait, Iraq, Mexico, and Canada? Don’t worry. She has international experience coming out the Wasilla!
In 1997, she led a fact-finding tour to “A Little Bit of Italy Pasta and Propane Trading Post” in Anchorage.
In 2002, Palin called technical support in India after receiving the wrong insulated lingerie purchased on Fredricks-Of-Permafrost.com.
In 2003, her helicopter accidentally strayed into international waters while hunting whales with an air-to-surface missile launcher.
In 2005, she demanded the President of Mexico fire her former brother-in-law’s nephew from the Juno Taco Bell.
Last year, Gov. Palin pledged to establish diplomatic relations with Candyland.
Barack Obama raised $66 million in August -- an impressive figure until you realize that most Internet contributors thought they were purchasing a male enhancement device.
Congressman Charles Rangel of New York, the chairman of the House tax-writing committee, admitted he owes $5,000 to the IRS after failing to report almost $75,000 in rental income over two decades from a beach house he owns in the Dominican Republic. Rangel apologized but said his err in judgment was not a violation of his Hypocritic oath.
Karl Rove says John McCain’s ads have gone too far. That’s like Amy Winehouse telling someone to lay off the booze.
Media / Humor - WBZ-TV and CBS’s over-the-top coverage of the new CBS Scene at Gillette Stadium has been enough to make Edward R. Morrow scream “Good night and get those mozzarella sticks out of my face.” However, as news and media continue to evolve at breakneck-speed, other media outlets should consider following suit. Here are some suggestions:
Booters - The Boston Herald and Hooters join forces to create the perfect atmosphere for discussing government hacks and UFOs, while being served by gun-toting Sarah Palin look-alike waitresses.
The Fox 25 Running-In Place - A friendly restaurant where news anchors can walk up and down studio stairs while talking about car wrecks.
WTKK Shopping Maul
Stores and restaurants include:
Michael Graham-Auntie Anne's Pretzels' Twisted Logic kiosk
Eagan and Braude’s Bed, Bath, and lots of other things they’ve endorsed
Jay Severin’s Hetero Night at TGI Fridays
The Boston Globe Buyout Package Store - The Globe and Martignetti’s Liquor Company combine to send you off into the unemployed world, drunk with a warm and wonderful sense of false hope.
WHDH-TV’s Executive Caligula Camp and Bistro - Thursdays are “Do You Know Who I Am?” nights. Friday’s are “I’ll Have Your Badge.” nights. Mondays are “I apologize for my actions. I've been under a lot of pressure.” nights.
Politics / Humor - The Massachusetts Republican delegation returned from their presidential convention energized and excited -- until they remembered that Jane Swift is a soccer mom, too.
John Kerry debated his first primary opponent, Ed O’Reilly, in 24 years. It was also the first time the confident Kerry debated while wearing bicycle pants and a T-shirt that read: “Ask me how many homes I own.”
Mitt Romney has ruled out a cabinet post in a McCain administration. However, Romney said he will consider retaining McCain after Bain Capitol’s purchase of the United States.
The State of Massachusetts has opened a new office in Beijing to promote the state’s businesses. The office will be run by Hwang DiMasi and Zhang Fitzgerald
Boston Mayor Tom Menino is attending a conference in Cernobbio, Italy. After his first speech, a Menino aide looked at the audience and said, “Don’t ask me. I don’t know what he’s saying either.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Sarah Palin’s refusal to talk with the press proves one thing: The less we know about her the more we like her. Does having a talking soccer mom doll (recorded sound bites compliments of Karl Rove) a heart beat away from being the leader of the semi-free world bother you? Not to worry. Consider the following:
If you're really curious about where she stands on the issues, you can always ask a Bush speech writer.
Isn’t having one candidate on a ticket answering “I don’t know” to countless questions scary enough?
What woman wouldn’t mind giving up her right to choose if she knows she can sell her unwanted child on eBay?
Is there really any difference between knowing something about foreign policy, economics, and healthcare; and knowing how to kill a moose?
Howard Hughes never talked to the press and he did a pretty good job running the world.
Sarah Palin has electrified the Republican ticket. At their last rally alone, 45 percent of the attendees said they came to see Palin, 20 percent said they came to seen John McCain, and 35 percent came to see an image of the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich.
The widely-circulated Internet photo of Sarah Palin wearing a bikini and holding a rifle turned out to be a fraud. As it turns out, someone else’s head was PhotoShopped on Palin’s body.
Joe Biden said he’s looking forward to debating Sarah Palin. His advisors are already briefing him on PTA trivia and birthin’ babies.
Oprah says she’ll be happy to have Sarah Palin on her show after the election -- along with Jamie Lynn Spears’ mom.
Politics / Humor - MBTA general manager Dan Grabauskas gave nine percent raises to 240 executive employees one week after warning that a financial crisis could cause a hefty fare increase in 2010. Here are some better ways to pay for the salary increases:
The new Charlie Scratch Card.
Corporate sponsorship of subway station urine smell.
Increase efficiency by appointing Dominos Pizza in charge of scheduling.
Pari-mutuel subway rodent racing.
Appoint John Buonomo in charge of payroll. He always knows where to find some extra cash.
According to a recent poll, 40 percent, a plurality, of respondents feel Gov. Deval Patrick is a worse governor than they expected. The other respondents think his real name is Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter.
This weekend was Massachusetts’ annual tax holiday in which the state’s five percent sales tax is suspended. It’s the one weekend each year you can get bargains on electronic equipment, clothes, and politicians.
Gov. Deval Patrick is scheduled to speak on the second night of the Democratic National Convention. He will speak glowingly of his friend Barack Obama and propose that all military troops in Iraq be replaced with civilian flaggers.
The Boston Public Library board of trustees chose Amy E. Ryan as its new president of the city's library system. Ryan thanked the board for their support -- then told them to keep their voices down.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite a weak economy, dissatisfaction with the war in Iraq, and an opponent viewed by many Republicans as not even the next Michael Reagan, Barack Obama is not pulling ahead of John McCain in the polls. Here are some possible reasons why he can’t close the deal:
His campaign slogan is too vague. How about “Spare Change We Can Believe In”?
Many people still believe he’s a Muslim. Why not split the difference and admit to being Jewish?
Wife Michelle is perceived as a bit uppity. Assuming Barack can’t shake the Muslim thing, it may be burka time.
Barack Obama doesn’t have a prisoner of war story, but it’s not too late to make the connection between summer camp and post traumatic stress syndrome.
It’s possible America is not ready for a black president, but who knows; with Obama’s vast extended family, it might vote for a candidate who is a distant relative of George Hamilton.
Hillary Clinton will get a roll call at the Democratic convention. She denied she was bargaining for anything and said people are already reading too much into the first line of her speech: “This is a nice little convention you got here. It’d be a shame it something happened to it.”
A spokesman for Barack Obama said Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who is facing eight felony charges in a perjury case and two felony charges in an assault case, is not welcome at the Democratic convention in Denver. A disappointed Kilpatrick said he was looking forward to the party’s annual black tie and orange jumpsuit dinner.
President Bush has raised $70 million for the Republican Party this year. That total is expected to grow after he hosts another one of his “No One Will Ever Know You Were in the Same Room With Me” affairs.
Politics / Humor -
John Buonomo, the Middlesex register of probate, who was caught on videotape stealing thousands of dollars from copy and change machines at the Registry of Deeds, is still running for reelection. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
It’s not easy having an evil identical twin.
At least they didn’t videotape me photocopying my bare ass.
My name is John Buonomo and I’m a sleepwalker.
Lesser registers of probate would’ve claimed they strained their backs lifting the cash and applied for disability.
Where’s the video of me making a fresh pot of coffee every morning?
Salem State College plans to go ahead with a John and Elizabeth Edwards speaking appearance Sept. 23. However, the evening’s theme has been changed from “Family and Politics” to “Cold Stares and Quiet Tension.”
A group of vandals broke into Plimoth Plantation, damaged fencing, and stole beaver pelts and furs. Authorities are warning citizens to be on the lookout for anyone trading animal hides for maize.
Gov. Patrick is moving forward with a plan to replace some paid police details with civilian flaggers. However, some issues need to be worked out:
Who will train the flaggers to drink coffee and talk on their cell phones?
Will flaggers get a bump in pay if they earn a Masters degree in flagging techniques?
When hiring flaggers, will preference be given to former fan dancers?
Can out-of-state gay illegal immigrants be flaggers?
Should drivers be required to salute the flaggers?
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John Edwards’s ex-mistress refuses to participate in DNA testing to establish the paternity of her daughter. However, there are other ways to determine if Edwards is the father:
Is the child naturally drawn to mirrors?
Does she become increasingly egocentric and narcissistic when she needs a nap?
Were her first words something about there being two daycare centers?
Has she asked her mother to build her a 25,000-square-foot nursery?
Did she request to be burped on “Nightline”?
5 things John Edwards should be thankful for:
He didn’t meet Rielle Hunter in an airport restroom.
He can now throw caution to the wind and switch cream rinses.
Things could have been much worse; he could’ve gone with Paris Hilton’s videographer.
He can now use his real picture on Match.com
There will always be desperate single women who will fall for his “Can I borrow your hair brush?” line.
Humor / Politics - Forty eight percent of people who responded to a recent poll said they're hearing too much about Barack Obama. This can mean only one thing: Pollsters are running out of questions.
The Pew Research Center which conducted the survey is starting to come up dry. It’s only the beginning of August and pollsters haven't a thing to ask. Perhaps like comedy writers, they’re sitting on a ton of Hillary Clinton material they’ll never get to use. And to think a gem like “Could you support a president with thick ankles?” may never see the light of day.
We can’t blame it all on pollsters. The endless campaign cycle uses up everyone’s best material. People were tired of Chris Mathews asking, “Barack or Hillary?” before the primary season even began. An endless supply of talking heads has failed to come up with anything more original than “I think I’m having a heart attack, Wolf.”
Unfortunately for Barack Obama, he’s carrying this show -- even if the National Enquirer can dig up some compromising pictures of John McCain and Angela Lansbury playing naked shuffleboard. With less than 100 days until the election, pollsters will stretch for those last few Barack Obama questions, the kind that enable voters to make an “educated” choice:
Would you buy a wireless service plan from Barack Obama?
Who would you rather have for a roommate: Superman, Joseph Stalin, or Barack Obama?
Would you like Barack Obama more or less if you knew he always uses a salad fork?
After that, it’s our turn to decide. Which man would be a great president and which man have we been hearing too much about?
Humor / Politics - It’s easy to understand why Iraq has accumulated a massive amount of money from oil export revenues -- an estimated 79.3 billion dollars -- but is spending so little of it. Its hesitancy may have something to do with paying KBR vendors a half million dollars to fix a Mr. Coffee machine.
Seventy nine billion dollars may seem like a lot but not when you’ve been paying American contractors a hundred dollars for bite-size Snickers bars. Americans grip their hearts before looking at how much the plumber charged for snaking their toilet. Can you imagine the estimate for stopping raw sewerage that’s been flowing down your street the past six years?
I have no idea what a plumber in Baghdad charges these days, but if it’s half as much as what Haliburton plumbers have been charging the United States taxpayers, it’s no wonder Iraqis are willing to jiggle their toilet handles and hope for the best.
Iraq will eventually tire of periodic electrical service but only when it can find a reasonably-priced electrician to do the work -- preferably someone who doesn’t electrocute his customers.
Americans can afford only so many four-dollar cups of Starbucks coffee in these hard economic times. Is it any wonder Iraq is in no hurry to pay for a thousand-dollar Blackwater smoke detector?
Humor - Barack Obama has a problem: How does a candidate whose campaign is based on hope and inspiration respond to his opponent’s mudslinging? More hope and inspiration isn’t going to cut it, but hopeful and inspirational mudslinging may do the trick.
Barack Obama for President ad: “Hometown Philanderer” -- (Barack Obama voiceover, patriotic music over footage of John McCain):
Abraham Lincoln talked about a time when our nation would “again” be “touched…by the better angels of our nature.” John McCain too longs for a time when he won’t feel the impulse to touch nubile females named Angel -- or Candi or Crystal.
America honors Senator John McCain, just as we honor any sex addict who chooses to serve his country as a last ditch attempt to redirect his depraved impulses.
The United States was built on hope, and although I never hope to see the day when my wife finds herself trapped alone in a room with John McCain, our nation can also hope that one day he will seek the help he so desperately needs.
Politics / Humor - House Speaker Sal DiMasi and Speaker Pro Tempore Thomas Petrolati collected $42,000 in two days from eye doctors and their lobbyists just before a law that would’ve hurt their business was put on hold. The two have also been nominated for “Progressive with a Heart of Sleaze” awards.
State Senator Dianne Wilkerson has agreed to pay a $10,000 fine as part of a settlement with the attorney general's office for charges that included failing to report $26,935 in donations and paying herself $18,000 from her campaign funds. She said her biggest mistake was reading the book “Political Ethics, DiMasi Style.”
Despite massive state deficits looming, state legislators approved a pension increase for state workers that could cost more than $3 billion over the next 20 years. However, to offset the expenditure, they voted to raise the tax on a pack of cigarettes to $10,000.
The Legislature also voted to tax Manny Ramirez’s salary no matter where he's playing.
Increased gasoline and other costs have driven the number of MBTA riders to record high numbers, which basically means if you ride the T today, there is a better than 75 percent chance your nose will be wedged into another passenger’s armpit.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
This week in the continuing saga of “Some of My Best Friends are Presidential Candidates," John McCain accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. How can Obama, once and for all, get the race issue behind him? Here are some suggestions:
• Announce he is vetting David Duke
• Join James Dobson in San Francisco for Dobson’s yearly book and leather thong burning rally
• More appearances with loyal American country western singers -- or loyal American country western singer's drug suppliers
• Distance himself from all radical African Americans -- including Booker T. Washington
• Trade wife Michelle for Marie Osmond
A federal judge ruled that President Bush’s top advisers cannot ignore subpoenas issued by Congress -- once again discrediting President Bush’s “My dog ate my subpoena” argument.
Barack Obama now says he would be in favor of some offshore oil drilling if it was part of a broader energy package -- or as he's now calling it: a changed position we can believe in.
Barack Obama is refusing to go along with John McCain’s challenge for several Lincoln-Douglas-style debates saying, “It’s not fair. Unlike my opponent, I never met Lincoln or Douglas.”
Humor - If you’re wondering what Massachusetts is like since same-sex marriage for out-of-state residents became legal, it’s been a disaster.
Within minutes of the law’s passage, busloads of impeccably dressed men in tuxedos streamed across our borders. Every copy of Indigo Girls singing “Ave Maria” was snatched up. Traffic in Provincetown came to a standstill as stretch limousines jammed its narrow streets.
But the worst was yet to come. A rebel offshoot of Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church rented Gillette Stadium. Within minutes, 73,000 Judy Garland impersonators had said “I do.” This was followed by a Mormon lesbian biker chick tying the knot with 359 women, each baring a striking resemblance to Suze Orman.
Things have started to calm down, but outbreaks of “Sunrise, Sunset” still occur without warning. And yes, as predicted, the increase in gay marriages has given our state’s economy a shot in the arm. But there was no need to replace the guy in Faneuil Hall Market Place who portrays Paul Revere with Harvey Fierstein doing scenes from “Torch Song Trilogy.”
Politics / Humor - Is Barack Obama, as a new McCain attack ad suggests, a lightweight celebrity like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton? Or could the opposite be true? Are Britney and Paris bleach blonde brainiacs?
Think about it. Hillary Clinton, a brilliant woman, lost her only run for president. Britney and Paris have yet to lose. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright failed to bring peace to the Middle East. Britney and Paris’ foreign policy records are unblemished.
Maybe it’s time to give Barack Obama credit for walking among giants. John McCain should be honored for his service to his country, but does he have the right stuff to be president? After all, he's never made a sex video in a hotel or exposed his genitalia while staggering out of a car.
Humor - Do you think no one will ever love you because you’re packing a few extra pounds? Think again. This is Manuel Uribe of Monterrey, Mexico. He once weighed a half ton but is now a svelte 700 pounds.
He still can’t get out of bed, but just celebrated his 43rd birthday.
…with his girl friend.
And you think love handles are preventing you from finding the girl of your dreams? Forget about it! Join the Ben & Jerry’s Flavor of the Day Club. Eat frozen pizzas until you have to be carried to the dentist on a fork lift. Place a personal ad in BeyondRotund.com that proudly proclaims, “I haven’t seen my penis since 1993.” Sooner or later that one special woman will see your profile and think, “There’s something sexy about a man who can’t turn over without the assistance of the rescue squad."
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Tom Menino is furious about the firefighter disability scams and is not going to take it any longer. The mayor, a master of the shutting-the-barn-door-after-the-horse-is-gone style of governing, vows to end this shameful practice. But this is just the beginning:
• Menino promises to fine Paul Revere for operating a lantern in the Old North Church without a fire permit.
• The mayor says he will not sleep until the hooligans who disrupted 1918 Red Sox World Series celebration are apprehended.
• As of September 15, citizens will not be allowed to graze their cattle on the Boston Common without a permit.
• The mayor also promises to launch a full investigation of why the Inspector of Cattle Grazing hasn’t showed up for work in 196 years.
• Finally, Menino has appointed a special prosecutor who will, once and for all, find out who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
The Massachusetts House of Representatives gave initial approval to a bill that would require all legislation be written in a gender neutral language. The bill was sponsored by Representatives Pat Jones, Lee Smith, and Terry Harper.
Jeff Beatty, the Republican challenger to Sen. John Kerry believes that if John McCain picks Mitt Romney to be his running mate, the GOP will carry Massachusetts in November -- and drive Beatty’s numbers up into the single digits.
The Mass Pike will not use prison labor to lower its operating costs. However, it will continue to use escaped convicts as toll takers.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama attracting a crowd of more than 200,000 people is impressive. To put it in perspective, here are the only ways John McCain could draw an audience as large:
• Watch John McCain attempt to jump the Snake River Canyon in his Straight Talk Express!
• John McCain’s Early Bird Special of the Century: All the Au Gratin Potatoes You Can Eat!
• Listen to John McCain speak and win a free iPhone!
• Tonight, John McCain talks about buying real estate with no money down!
• John McCain and Madonna like you’ve never seen them!
The Russian Foreign Ministry criticized President Bush for equating Nazi fascism with Soviet communism. Bush responded by noting, “Hey, I’m not the one who voted for Adolph Stalin.”
Barack Obama said he’ll base his choice of vice president on the ability to govern, not geography. A disappointed Senator Evan Bayh said, “Damn, I just spent the past month memorizing state capitols!”
In his party's weekly radio address, Democratic Sen. Jack Reed said America can’t afford to write “blank check after blank check” to pay for the Iraq war. He added, “We need those blank checks to pay for farm subsidies.”
Politics / Humor - John McCain says President Bush’s lifting of a ban on offshore drilling is the reason the price of oil has recently dropped $10-a-barrel. The psychology of lifting the ban, McCain argues, has affected world markets.
Is that how it works? You get elected president; practically every decision you make in eight years is wrong; in the twilight of your stay in office, you issue an order that will not increase oil production by one drop; and the impact of your action sends shivers down OPEC’s spine? That may be difficult when you lack White House cred with even the guy who fixes the Oval Office copy machine.
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli refuses to step down after being arrested for a series of peculiar sexual incidents. Once again, a politician has put his supporters in the position of holding their noses in silence. It’s hard to defend Marzilli staying in office and collecting a salary. But if you have to, try these explanations with your conservative friends:
• Sure he could quit, but that Prius isn’t going to pay for itself.
• The man is an inspiration for all bipolar politicians who have attacked numerous women.
• There are lots of ways to serve your constituents -- for example, spending 24/7 in psychiatric lockdown.
• Are you telling me you never called in sick for ten months?
• He’s not absent. He’s participating in a highly medicated civic engagement.
Boston firefighter Albert Arroyo, who competed in the International Natural Bodybuilding & Fitness competition in May despite being “permanently disabled” from a work-related back injury, has been ordered back to work. Arroyo announced he has begun training for next year’s International Sleazeball Employee Bodybuilding & Fitness competition.
The Mexican government announced it will honor Sen. Edward Kennedy for his defense of immigrant rights. In a related story, Lou Dobbs has been placed on a 24 hour suicide watch.
State Treasurer Timothy Cahill has proposed cities and towns use off-the-shelf building designs to cut school-project costs -- or as he’s calling it: One size detention room fits all.
The New England Patriots Charitable Foundation and the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston are sponsoring a workshop that will give financially stressed homeowners the opportunity to sit down with lenders in an attempt to broker solutions. The number one solution: Don’t mortgage your house trying to buy Patriots tickets.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
By now you’re familiar with the New Yorker cover depicting Barack and Michelle Obama as radical Muslims -- the fist bumping, the burning flag in the fireplace, Michelle’s Afro hairstyle and ammo belt, and so on. A closer look, however, reveals even more insidious items.
• A lapel on Obama’s robe with no American flag pin
• A rug vacuumed by an undocumented Guatemalan maid
• A note reminding President Obama of his meeting with Secretary of State Michael Moore
• A chair which in 20 minutes will contain a restrained Jesse Jackson begging to keep his testicles
• An exorbitant $4.50 price for newsstands and anyone who has recited the Pledge of Allegiance within the past 24 hours
While in Michigan, John McCain pledged to help rebuild the auto industry -- even if it means rebuilding it in Mexico.
A groundbreaking interfaith conference held in Madrid ended on a sour note when the Muslims and Jews could not agree from which delicatessen to order lunch.
President Bush has agreed upon a time “horizon" for bringing more troops back from Iraq. He added, “Horizon is the best plan, although we could’ve gotten free HBO with Comcast.”
Politics / Humor - The E.P.A. plans on banning boaters from emptying waste into Cape Cod Bay. Landfills expect to see an increase of cans, paper, and gamblers unable to pay off their loans.
Gov. Deval Patrick signed a $28.1 billion budget for the new fiscal year, while vetoing $122.5 million from the Legislature's spending plan – including a Slight of Hand seminar for Mass. Turnpike toll takers.
Framingham plans to redevelop potentially contaminated industrial sites. Some possible uses are:
• Up Chuck E. Cheese
• No Balance Shoe Outlet
• Radiation Shack
• Bed, Bath & Barf
• Illegal Seafood
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s progressive supporters are feeling nervous and disappointed about their man’s drift to the center. Drastic measures are needed to left his boat. Here are a few suggestions:
• Get an “I ♥ Noam Chomsky” tattoo
• Promise to appoint a Secretary of Composting
• Play at least one game of Ultimate Frisbee with Keith Olbermann
• Pledge to blog at least one State of the Union address
• Confess to having indecent thoughts about Arianna Huffington
Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, has endorsed Barack Obama. The McCain Campaign immediately announced their candidate had been endorsed by Miss 13 Colonies.
John McCain strongly disagreed with his economic advisor, former Texas Senator Phil Graham, who called Americans “whiners” for complaining about the economy. As a matter of precaution, McCain also said he disagreed with for his homeless orphans advisor.
Politics / Humor - Barack Obama has widened his lead in Massachusetts over John McCain. On the bright side for the Republican candidate, McCain has pulled even with Grace Ross.
Secretary of State William Galvin certified 12,000 signatures on a petition to put the initiative to abolish the state income tax on the ballot. In a related move, the Legislature voted to abolish the words “initiative” and “ballot.”
The Massachusetts Republican Party held its annual Lincoln Reagan Dinner. Why is it called “Lincoln Reagan?” Probably for the same reason it's called “Sweet and Sour.”
Convenience store tycoon Christy Mihos is talking about running for governor again – a daring move for someone whose chances are Slim Jim to none.
Massachusetts’ new renewable energy bill requires utility companies to offer rebates and incentives for customers who upgrade lighting and air conditioning systems. During summer months, obscene phone callers will also be awarded rebates for heavy breathing with a mouthful of ice cubes.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has been endorsed by one of his Vietnamese jailors during his five-year imprisonment at the “Hanoi Hilton.” McCain also has been endorsed by the group, “Bataan Death March Guards for Truth.”
Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton will have a series of fundraisers in New York next week. Each Obama and Clinton event will follow a steel-cage death match between “Macho Man” Randy Savage and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin,
Barack Obama spent the Fourth of July with his family in Montana – a favorite vacation spot for Muslim presidential candidates who refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
Fighting to get his campaign in gear, John McCain said, “This is a tough race. We are behind. We are the underdog. That's what I like to be.” McCain also reminded reporters his best pickup line as a teenager was, “I have no money. I have bad breath. I have a small penis. Would you like to have sex in my VW Bug?”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
In the first major pronouncement on gun rights in U.S. history, the Supreme Court ruled that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense and hunting. Here are just some of the wonderful ways this ruling will affect your life:
• Disputes can now be easily settled with pistols at 20 paces.
• “Pop a cap in your ass” moves from urban phrase to a team-building exercise.
• The five justices who voted in favor of this ruling now have something else to play with under their robes.
• Lower ratio of mullets to guns.
• New express line at Wal-Mart: 10 Weapons or Fewer.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will make their first joint campaign appearance in Unity, New Hampshire, although Clinton had first suggested Chilmark, Massachusetts.
When asked about bringing back the military draft, John McCain said, “I don't know what would make a draft happen unless we were in an all-out World War III.” In which case, all young men and woman would be required to scour the nuclear rubble for their local draft board.
Politics / Humor - An 86-year-old time capsule was dug up in Boston’s Dudley Square. Its contents included:
• 400 hundred votes purchased by Mayor James Michael Curley
• A petition to legalize betting on indentured servant racing
• A written pact by Gloucester teenage girls, each agreeing to have at least eight children before they turn 21
• A proclamation by Governor Calvin Coolidge declaring every weekday to be “Don’t Even Think About Bringing Your Daughter to Work Day”
• A “Yankees Will Suck for Years to Come” t-shirt
• A pair of Reebok’s “revolutionary new” coal shoveling shoes
Ten Mass. Turnpike Authority toll collectors have been charged with skimming thousands of dollars from taxis and other vehicles passing by their booths near Logan International Airport – thus answering the question constantly asked by the suspect’s wives: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A trolley driver on the MBTA’s Green Line has been suspended for being asleep at the wheel. Riders sensed something was amiss when the train passed without stopping through Kenmore, Cleveland Circle, Providence, and New York City.
Drunken-driving arrests in Massachusetts have risen 70 percent in the past two years. As for the cause, authorities aren’t ruling out the new combination Fast Lane transponder / cocktail mixer.
Politics / Humor - Time magazine reports that 17 girls at Gloucester High School are pregnant, and a group of freshman had made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Experts have not been able to pinpoint when the added interest in getting knocked up now occurred. However, recent events in the town may have contributed:
• Due to political correctness, the school mascot was changed from the Fighting Redmen to the Leaking Condoms.
• Career Day included representatives from 12 strip clubs.
• Grading for sex education was changed to one percent testing and 99 percent class participation.
• The Abstinence Awareness Club chose “Love to Love You Baby” as its theme song.
• The Gorton’s Fisherman finally found a doctor willing to prescribe Viagra.
Gary Zerola, a former Boston prosecutor and one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Bachelors,” who has also beaten three rape charges (so far), was arrested for hitting a police officer and urinating in public while celebrating the Celtics championship win. He was also just named one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Urinating Rapists.”
Massachusetts health authorities announced hospitals and doctors who operate on the wrong limb or give an unsafe dose of medication will no longer be able to bill the state or Blue Cross and Blue Shield for costs related to fixing the mistake. Said one angry doctor: “It’s getting to the point where an incompetent doctor can’t make a living in Massachusetts.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Massachusetts produces more twins, triplets, and other multiple births than any state in the nation. The rate is expected to double if Gloucester lowers its drinking age to eight.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has come up with a sure-fire way to solve our energy crisis: He has proposed a $300 million prize to anyone who can develop a technologically-advanced battery capable of powering a car or George Foreman cooking device. But why stop there? There are so many other problems that could be solved with cash prizes:
• $600 million to the first person who can lead the entire Middle East in a sing-along version of “What the World Needs Now is Love”
• $200 million to end illegal immigration by convincing unemployed stockbrokers to pick lettuce, bus tables, and clean toilets
• $800 million to develop a giant dehumidifier capable of drying out the Midwest
• $500 million to invent a way of cloning rich people willing to bail out any relative who took out a subprime loan
• $1 trillion to invent a health care payment that’s less painful than the procedure it’s paying for
John McCain and Barack Obama spent the weekend arguing over whose heart went out the most for Midwest flood victims. Obama was building a comfortable lead in concerned hugs until someone stole his wallet.
A 22-year-old Miami Beach man, who somehow got a $298 million Pentagon contract to supply ammunition to the Afghan army, was charged with fraud after it was learned he delivered defective Chinese gun cartridges that were more than 40 years old. He said he hopes prosecutors take into consideration he was also holding down a part-time job at Starbucks.
Blue is a shepherd-Catahoula Leopard Dog mix who was rescued in Puerto Rico in July 2007 when she was two months old. She’s been living in Newton, MA, with her two dads since August 2007. These are some of her thoughts.
Why do they be calling this place Cat Rock anyway? I never seen a single cat here. Like a billion rocks, yeah, but not one cat. That’s just not right. They should just be calling it like Rocks Rock or Trees Rock or something so they don’t be fooling people.
Yeah, all right, I hear you Daddy Brian. Get off my back for a second, would ya? I’m sniffing over here. It’s not like I’ll be losing you with you tripping over stuff and making all that noise. All RIGHT!!!! I’m coming, I’m coming...
Hold on a second! That wasn’t here yesterday. What are you guys DOING? Get away from that! Yeah, I know it looks like a branch but branches don’t just be walking onto trails and laying down by themselves. There might be something hiding under it, like an alligator or something. Let me check it out first. Okay, it’s all right. You can pass now.
Oh my God could you guys walk any slower? Maybe you should try using all four feet instead of being all fancy walking on just two.
FINALLY!!!! The pond...and look who it is, that little punk ass puggle bitch Ridley and her cranky mommy. Oh, are you leaving? How sad. Was it something I said? Or maybe that I put your entire head in my mouth the last time I saw you? That’s right, just move along someplace else.
Hey, where did Daddy David go? Oh no. Hey, Daddy David, why you embarrassing me like that? Why I have to be the only one whose Daddy goes swimming? Couldn’t you just stand on the shore like all the other parents? Hey, what’s that in your hand? Oh my God, it’s my ball, it’s my ball, it’s my ball! Oh no you didn’t just throw it. And now you’re going after it? I don’t THINK so!
Mine, mine, mine...I’m going to beat you....almost got it....HA! I beat you! I beat you! I’m a faster swimmer than Daddy David! Yeah, that’s right, I AM a good girl. Hey, don’t be rubbing my ears in front of my friends...although if you want to do it later at home it MIGHT be okay. I’ll let you know.
Posted by Spike at 10:50 AM
June 15, 2008
Bay State Bombast – 4
Politics / Humor - Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s administration’s top 20 accomplishments, published on his Web site, reads like a chapter from “Profiles in Padded Resumes.” Kudos to the governor’s Secretary of Action Verbs. The following are a few achievements that didn’t make the final cut:
21. Increased daylight during the spring and summer months.
22. Streamlined the state purchasing process by requiring staff members to order only medium coffees with cream and one sugar.
23. Commissioned a study to find out why 99 percent of voters think “civic engagement” is when a Honda tries to mate with a Camry.
24. Attempting to retrieve half of the $1 billion Life Science Initiative money being used to resurface Speaker Sal DiMasi's bocce court.
25. Initiated an emergency chain of command for when the governor is out of state at book-signings.
Fenway Park’s food stands were cited for more than a dozen health and safety violations, including putting pine tar on a Polish sausage.
A Nantucket man was sentenced to 25 years in prison on federal pornography charges of filming himself engaged in sex acts with young girls in Asia. His lawyer complained the judge kept cutting him off after each time he started to say: “There once was a man from Nantucket.”
Horace White, a Boston DPW dispatcher, suspended for a second time for being asleep on the job, was arrested on charges of setting a house on fire. The city has a name for people like this: Employee of the Year.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama has launched a Web site to dispel rumors about him and his wife. Among them:
• He earned his Harvard Law School tuition by working as an Arthur Murray dance instructor.
• Michelle Obama plays a secret game with her children each night that begins with “This little honky went to market.”
• His first act as president will be to award Yemen an NBA franchise.
• “The Audacity of Hope” is Louis Farrakhan’s ATM pin code.
• Michelle Obama’s real middle name is Trotsky.
Less than a month after declaring polar bears an endangered species, the Bush administration is giving energy companies permission to annoy and potentially harm them while searching for oil and natural gas. This has caused a sudden increase in the “Polar Bears for Obama” population.
President Bush expressed concern to those affected by flooding in the Midwest. He said aid will be on the way as soon as the governor of the Midwest requests it.
Politics / Humor - The Tweeter Center for the Performing Arts in Mansfield has been renamed the Comcast Center. All shows will now begin sometime between 7:00 and 11:00 A.M. or 1:00 and 5:00 P.M.
House Speaker Sal DiMasi’s close friend and financial adviser, Richard Vitale refused to appear at a hearing to answer questions about allegations he lobbied on behalf of a group of Massachusetts ticket brokers. However, he did offer to appear after DiMasi’s close friend and pool cleaner, but before his close friend and dog walker.
Senator John F. Kerry will have a primary challenger for the first time in 24 years. Kerry says he isn’t worried, but he did ask the City of Boston to move the fire hydrant back in front of his house.
A seven-year-old Cambridge girl almost had her finger chewed off by a rat after she stuck it in a garbage can. A city spokesman said the rats couldn’t be removed because the can had been declared an official Sanctuary Disposal Container.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
With the words, “I endorse him (Barack Obama) and throw my full support behind him,” Hillary Clinton lifted a great weight off her shoulders. But why stop there? Think how much better she’d feel if she could only say:
• There ought to be a law making it legal to castrate your husband.
• Maybe if you had bought some teeth and stopped hanging out in this bar, your trailer wouldn’t have been repossessed.
• I’d let Bill date a dozen Playboy Playmates if I could change my vote on the Iraq War.
• The most relaxing day Chelsea and I ever had was when we landed in Bosnia.
• “Although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it has about 18 million cracks in it and the light is shining through like never before.” But frankly, right now I could give a rat’s ass. I need a drink.
At a lunch during the North Carolina Republican Party convention, former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee performed the Heimlich maneuver on Robert Pittenger, the Republican candidate for lieutenant governor. A humble Huckabee said it was no different from trying to squeeze a contribution out of a campaign donor.
The Democratic National Committee, adopting Barack Obama’s fundraising rules, returned about $100,000 in money from lobbyists and political action committees -- but not before wishing it a tearful farewell.
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli Jr. being charged with attempting to inappropriately touch a woman on a park bench in Lowell, giving a false name to police, and fleeing from officers can mean only one thing: Republicans still have no chance at winning his seat.
New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur was arrested in April on a charge of illegal possession of prescription painkillers. He then secretly helped the federal Drug Enforcement Administration in a sting operation. Officials also offered thanks to Kaczur’s coach Bill Belichick for the use of his video camera.
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has offered to let a small Indian Catholic community move into a closed Framingham parish. A grateful Indian official commented, “Now we’re going to show them how you really do Bingo.”
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Menino suspended his Department of Public Works Chief Dennis Royer for three weeks after it was revealed that Royer allowed a systems analyst to telecommute from her family’s home in Venezuela for 15 weeks. He was also docked two weeks sleep.
Police killed a bear roaming through a Worcester neighborhood. State wildlife officials speculate the bear was heading for an electrolysis appointment at Elizabeth Grady.
This day in history, 1863 - The Boston Herald received its first letter to the editor in response to its story about Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address:
“Hey Abe, where’s my property tax relief? – Josiah, Woburn”
Jim Ogonowski, who is challenging US Senator John F. Kerry, came up 82 signatures short of qualifying for the GOP primary ballot. He blamed it on the fact that hard-working Americans are losing their signatures to illegal aliens.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama was finally forced to resign his 20-year membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago after inflammatory remarks by a visiting priest, Rev. Michael Pfleger. It is truly an outrage and disappointment, given the solid lineup of upcoming clergy:
June 1-15: You won’t want to miss the caustic stylings of JDL funnyman Rabbi Shlomo Kahane. “He puts the fun into fundamental!” – Temple Agudas Achim newsletter
June 20: One night only! - Let’s get ready to rumble (but in a non-threatening way) with Unitarian Liberation minister, Zack Billington.
July 1-7: Seeing is believing! Watch Benedictine Monk/hypnotist “The Amazing Brother Guevara” place congregants in a trance and then convince them to act like chickens while redistributing their wealth.
July 15-20: Get some of that old time religion when Magician and mail order minister Michael Blaine attempts to baptize filmmaker Michael Moore in a giant vat of A.1. Steak Sauce.
July 28: The event a the Year! - Voodoo priest Father Jacque ‘N Awe narrows the Democratic presidential race down to one by sticking 50 needles into a Hillary Clinton doll.
Democratic Party leaders agreed to seat Michigan and Florida delegates with half-votes at their summer convention. Essentially, this means delegates will be able to vote for Bar Oba or Hil Clin.
As a result of the Democratic Party’s compromise, Hillary Clinton has been left with very little chance of winning and a growing addiction to alcohol.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain’s campaign released over a thousand pages of his medical records that show the Senator to be in good health. His records also turned up some other interesting medical information:
Page 47: Since 1980, McCain has been treated unsuccessfully for a condition that causes him to change political positions every time he blinks.
Page 178: John McCain is intermittently allergic and attracted to President Bush.
Page 249: The Senator suffers form a binge-purge syndrome that causes him to embrace wacky evangelical ministers when courting conservative voters and then drop them when the mainstream media starts paying attention.
Page 554: McCain threatened to stab a male nurse with a tongue depressor after it was suggested the Senator sign up for an anger management workshop.
Page 1045: McCain has an almost unhealthy dependence on lobbyists.
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has been selected to be the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidate. The only problem now is how to run for government office without government involvement.
While campaigning in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that the proudest moment in her father’s life was when he joined the Sharks.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories Announcer: (Cue drum roll) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the funniest guy in politics! The man who put the “less” in tasteless. The one, the only, Mike Huckabee!
Mike Huckabee: Thank you, thank you so much. Let me tell you, I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my angel wings tired.
But seriously, what can I say about that Barack Obama. He’s looking good, particularly from a grassy knoll. Hello, is this microphone on?
And then there’s Ted Kennedy. Ted, you’re supposed to seize the moment, not your chest. What is this, the Camelot Room?
Is that Hillary Clinton tough or what? Did you see the last debate? Barack Obama looked like Vince Foster begging for his life. But you know, aside from the Jews and Muslims, we’re all brothers. You’re a beautiful audience. Good night.
During a speech to 1,500 global policymakers and business leaders in Egypt, President Bush said “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted of one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” The president then added, “You guys may be on to something.”
John McCain warned 6,000 people at the NRA’s annual convention that a President Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would put the rights of “law-abiding” gun owners at risk. An hour later, he promised members of Code Pink he would outlaw standoffish attitudes.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.
• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.
• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.
• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.
• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.
• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.
John McCain said he didn’t mean to imply that the U.S. involvement in the Iraq war had anything to do with America’s reliance on foreign oil. He added, “We shouldn’t even be thinking about that until we’ve been there at least 75 years.”
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Heading into the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Barack Obama said, “There's no doubt that a campaign has to continually fine-tune itself.” Here are some suggestions that may help push him over the top:
• At the very least, wear a Reverend Wright “God Damn American” lapel flag.
• Forget the debates; challenge Hillary Clinton to a drinking contest.
• Every new campaign ad must contain at least one Monica Lewinsky subliminal message.
• Reach out to the working class. Propose a law that says “Jeopardy” cannot be harder to play than “Wheel of Fortune.”
• End every speech with “…and if they don’t like it, they should go back to where they came from!”
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. Obama said, “I’d love to but my stove pipe hat is at the cleaners.”
The Washington Post reports that President Bush’s plan to contract federal jobs to the private sector has fallen short. However, Wal-Mart is still accepting part-time applications for Secretary of Interior.
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Tobin Bridge (conclusion)
Boston Outsider / Humor
Buddy returned to the apartment a couple of hours later, looking rather ashen.
“Jesus, that guy Paulie is a piece of work,” he said as he sat across from me. “Where the fuck did you meet him?”
“We used to work together at Blue Cross-Blue Shield,” I answered. “He got fired for calling customers ‘Poopsie” over the phone.”
“He had me make a bunch of stops on the way to his house, Stop and Shop, CVS, a couple of other places. He said he had a phobia about going into stores alone, so there I was going in with him. And I must have loaned him about fifty bucks,” Buddy shook his head.
“What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever run errands with a guy dressed like a butterfly before?” I laughed. “I’ll pay you back the fifty, because believe me, Paulie never will.”
“You think this is funny? He said he had a line of credit at a club near Kenmore Square, and I let him drag me in there with him,” Danny said, coughing. “I was being polite because he’s a friend of yours. It was Alternative Lifestyle Night at the place, and we only left because Paulie was embarrassed about wearing the same outfit as another guy.” I really started giggling now, holding my gut and bending over.
“And when we got to his flophouse,” Buddy continued, “he didn’t have a key, and his landlord was nowhere to be found. So I climbed the fire escape and broke into Madame Butterfly’s room, because again he had a phobia, a fear of heights.”
“He has a fear of everything except driving other people up the wall,” I explained.
“And those other people who were here today,” Buddy said. “They all seem like cooked birds, too.”
“Well,” I replied, scratching my chin, “Sven is okay if you don’t piss him off, but that's a bullshit story about his so-called dueling scar. He really got cut up by a whore in Hamburg. Now, Doris, she’s your basic career panhandler, which may be morally repugnant but which doesn’t meet the clinical definition of insanity. And Daniel grew up Catholic but went to public school, and I think he actually wanted to have his ears boxed by nuns like a lot of the other kids he knew. So now he’s compensating by literally being more Catholic than the Pope.”
“I think I mentioned something about being roomies when we were drinking last night,” Buddy said. “But maybe living with you on a regular basis would be a little too -what’s the word?- ‘bohemian.’”
“Sure, I understand, Buddy,” I said, doing my best to act disappointed.
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Tobin Bridge (part two)
Boston Outsider / Humor
I talked to Paulie for a couple of minutes and returned to my stool. Duke, a WWII veteran, ex-boxer, and former bookmaker, was regaling Buddy with an anecdote.
“My division was sent to the Philippines after the Germans surrendered,” Duke said. “There were nationalist guerillas in the hills, so we got combat pay, but all we ever did was eat bananas and go bowling. One guy I knew made a pet of a monkey, and he cried his eyes out when he couldn’t bring the thing back to the States with him. I heard he ended up marrying a woman who looked like a chimp.”
Buddy squirted some beer out of a nostril as he laughed at this. Duke insisted on giving us one last round on the house, and after drinking it we took our leave. As we were walking back to my apartment, I asked Buddy what he thought of Whitman’s.
“I know the place is kind of a halfway house for unattached male nuts,” Buddy answered. “But it’s a panic!”
The next day, Sunday, at a little after 4:00 p.m., Buddy and I were watching a football game when my doorbell rang. I pushed the intercom button and asked who was at the door.
“Let me in, you philistine,” a familiar voice announced.
“Come on up,” I said, pushing the door release. “It’s my friend Paulie,” I said to Buddy. “He drops in once in a while.”
“That’s cool,” Buddy shrugged.
I met Paulie Gomes at the door of my third floor walk-up. He was accompanied by Sven, a tall man with a shaved head and an ugly scar on his left cheek; Daniel, a middle-aged guy in a rumpled suit; and Doris, a mature woman who dressed in ragged clothing and carried four shopping bags filled with books, papers and other bags. Sven and Daniel were fellow insomniacs I knew from an all-night diner. Doris was a familiar figure who had a regular begging station in front of the local Baskin Robbins.
“I bumped into some friends!” Paulie smiled. He was a tiny fellow, about a hundred and ten pounds soaking wet, and on this occasion he was wearing a butterfly costume, complete with antennae, wings, black tights, and little slippers.
“Is that your Sunday best you’re wearing?” I asked.
“I’m doing a children’s play at a little venue in Inman Square,” Paulie said. “I want to stay in character as long as possible. And since lepidopterans don't carry luggage, I left my street clothes at the theater after today's matinee. I'll pick them up on Tuesday."
“Oh, you’re a character all right,” I replied.
I asked everyone in and introduced them to Buddy, who didn’t seem overly fazed by Paulie’s manner of dress. Paulie and Sven sat on the futon-couch, Daniel and Doris sat on the loveseat facing them, and Buddy and I sat on metal folding chairs on either side of my stereo, along a wall that was perpendicular to the other furniture. Paulie had assembled quite a crew. Sven was a reputed deserter from the French Foreign Legion. Daniel belonged to a quasi-Catholic sect whose members believed that the true pope was a twenty-year-old short order cook who lived with his mother in a dilapidated house near the Forest Hills MBTA station. Doris the bag lady was actually quite well off, but sometimes I gave her a buck in the hopes that she’d leave me something in her will.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The New York Times reports that the Pentagon used a group of high-ranking retired military officers, each now a military contractor, to appear on news shows and promote the Bush Administration’s Iraq policies. Here are some of their comments that didn’t make it on the air:
• Pay no attention to that Bush flunky clutching my balls.
• The United States has no chance winning in Iraq without my new combination night vision goggles/electric toothbrush.
• To show you how well my WMD detector works, we’ve hidden a nuclear bomb under one of your seats.
• Tim, I’m wearing a pair bullet-proof underwear and loving it!
• Oprah, let me just say this: You get a tank, and you get a tank, and you get tank and you get a…
A Washington Post article questions whether John McCain’s bad temper will prevent him from getting elected or affect his ability to govern. It might if his first State of the Union Speech begins with: My fellow Americans, you want a piece of me?
Pope Benedict XVI became the first pope to visit an American synagogue. He was greeted with cries of “Wow, now that’s a Yamaka!”
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Tobin Bridge (part one)
Boston Outsider / Humor
For five years during the 1980s, when the People’s Republic of Cambridge still clung to a vestige of socialism, I lived in a rent-controlled, 1.5 room studio apartment just east of Harvard Square. It was cheap, and I didn’t own much of anything, so it wasn’t a bad arrangement. One Saturday night, as I sat in my tiny abode watching “Twilight Zone” on a New Hampshire UHF station, I got a call from my friend Buddy Feeney, who lived in Revere.
“Hey, Jimmy,” Buddy said. “I've got a big favor to ask. Would you mind if I stayed at your place for a while?”
“Shit, Buddy,” I answered. “You’ve seen how small this place is. Are you having problems at home again?”
“’Problems’ isn’t the word,” he replied. “If I stay here much longer, you’re going to be reading something awful about me in the Herald.”
“All right,” I said. “Just for a week or so. And make sure that somebody knows where you are.”
Buddy arrived the next night, toting a small suitcase. I gave him my visitor parking card so that his car wouldn’t get towed, and he settled in. After using the bathroom, he came back in the main room with a big smile on his face.
“I just took a piss with the bathroom door open,” he said gleefully. “I haven’t done that in eight years!”
“I’ve been pissing with the bathroom door open for quite a while now,” I said from my perch on a folded futon . “And it’s no big deal. Maybe I’m just jaded.”
“Listen,” Buddy said as he sat on a moth-eaten loveseat. “I know you think I’m a jerk for being here instead of with my wife and kids. You’ve seen Dragoslava lately. She’s still a hot little number after having three children, but life with her has turned into one, big pain in the ass. She and her relatives are the only Zaglavakians this side of Chicago, so my in-laws use my house as their own personal ethnic club. They come and go as they please, playing accordions and drinking plum brandy. And when they run out of plum brandy, they help themselves to my beer.”
“Call up ‘National Geographic,’” I laughed. “They can go to your house and film a special.”
“It’s no joke,” Buddy said, lighting a Marlboro. “You know what it’s like at Easter? A priest with a beard three feet long comes over and stinks up the place with incense. It’s supposed to be an exorcism. The whole tribe goes in the back yard and roasts a pig, and at the end of the night they dance around dressed like garden gnomes while Dragoslava’s grandmother lights firecrackers.”
“Don’t you remember?” I asked. “I was at one of those parties. The roast pig was delicious.”
“The pig tastes wonderful until you find out how much you’re being porked,” he replied, not cracking a smile.
I decided not to give any lectures about the sanctity of the marriage bond. The next six days passed smoothly. Buddy worked the night shift at UPS, and I worked days at a health insurance company, and we barely saw one another. Saturday evening rolled around, and I wondered when I should broach the subject of Buddy’s checkout time. At about six o’clock, I asked him if he wanted to go to the Square for a couple of beers.
“All right,” he said, enthusiastically. “Brewskies in freaky Cambridge!”
I brought Buddy to Whitman’s, a little watering hole that I often visited on J.F.K. Street. On the way there, as we were walking along Mass. Ave., a man in an Uncle Sam costume rode by on a unicycle.
“What’s with that character?” Buddy asked. “July Fourth was three months ago, and Halloween isn’t for another three weeks.”
“That guy always dresses like that,” I said calmly.
“You know, Jimmy,” Buddy answered. “You belong in this neighborhood.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton and John McCain have branded Barack Obama an elitist for saying that small-town voters in economically distressed areas are “bitter.” Obama must take immediate steps to show he’s a regular guy. Here are some suggestions:
• Pledge to appoint a Secretary of NASCAR.
• Be videotaped at a firing range shooting at bottles of Gray Poupon.
• Pledge to use his position as ex-president to eventually earn $109 million in about eight years.
• Announce he’s started smoking again and is up to three packs of Camels a day.
• Dump his wife and marry a woman who is both babe-a-licious and heiress to a beer distributorship fortune.
The New York Times reports that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding a job. In fact, he’s so desperate he’s placed an ad on Monster.com reading, “Will say ‘I don’t remember' for food.”
John McCain outlined his plans to ease the burden on struggling American homeowners. The plan is very simple: If you no longer own a home, you won’t be struggling.
Ethnic Studies at the University of West Somerville, Circa 1970
Boston Outsider / Humor
It was late afternoon on the last Monday of August, eight days before the start of ninth grade. Weasel Mullins and I were pitching quarters against the wall of our junior high school when Nickie Tsakos came by.
“Where you been?” Weasel asked.
“Greek School,” Nickie moaned.
“What’s that, something to do with bum-blasting?” Weasel smirked.
“Ha, ha, Asshole,” Nickie said. “I go to my church and study ancient Greek. It’ll come in handy if I ever go back in a time machine and want to talk to Socrates. I’ll be doing it every weekday, once regular school starts.”
“I don’t have to do any Irish shit after school,” Weasel replied. “But if I were a girl I’d be stuck taking step-dancing lessons.”
“You’d look cute kicking up your heels in a green dress,” Nickie laughed. “You got the red hair and all.”
“You think Irish dancing is real funny?” asked Weasel, narrowing his blue eyes. “You know what ‘Greek dancing’ is slang for, don’t you?”
“Fuck you,” answered Nickie.
“Exactly,” cackled Weasel.
“What about you?” Nickie asked me. “You got any Italian duties?"
“On Wednesdays, you know, Prince Spaghetti Day, if my mother is busy watching ‘Dialing For Dollars,’ I have to stir the red gravy so it doesn’t stick to the bottom of the pot.”
“A Meatball who eats meatballs,” Weasel said. “It’s fucking cannibalism!”
“Well, what does your family eat on Wednesdays, Weasel?” I asked. “Plain boiled cabbage?”
“No, you ignorant Wop, we eat fried peat moss on Wednesdays,” Weasel snapped.
The three of us pitched quarters for about another hour when Manny Oliveira joined us. Manny was an immigrant from Portugal, a good-natured kid, but Weasel love to ride him.
“How’s it going, you foreign fuck?” Weasel greeted Manny.
“Is that nice, calling me a ‘foreign fuck’?” Manny asked. “At least make up something original.”
“All right, your new name is 'Linguicia Breath,'” Weasel answered.
“I’ve heard worse,” Manny smiled. “Now let me in this game.”
Manny kicked our asses, winning almost every round. About half the time he actually tossed “leaners.” Weasel was amazed at Manny’s advanced state of assimilation.
Fast Forward: The Contemporary Journal of Tina Scompigliati-Flanagan
Boston Outsider / Humor
I drive to Somerville today for my father’s memorial Mass, and who do I see in the church parking lot afterwards but Louie Malatesta, the owner of the Bonbon Salon, where I once worked. (“Straight as a pin, but ugly as sin,” is what we used to say about him.) He introduces me to his new wife, a cute little Filipino woman. I’ve heard that she brings him to Mass every Sunday and that she made him throw out his Bo Derek movie collection and his bong. She’s pregnant, and they seem happy.
After I drive Ma home to her condo, I go to the old neighborhood and take a look around. Our old house is still painted reddish brown, but the lawn Madonna is gone, and there’s a rainbow flag on the porch. I imagine that there’s a nice lesbian couple living there, and that in between softball games they have long heartfelt talks about being oppressed by the Patriarchy. Patriarchy. . . I remember that word from the Women’s Studies course I took as an elective at U.Mass. when I was going there nights for my business degree. It’s just a fancy way of saying that men can be jerks, but with four older brothers I didn’t need Women’s Studies to gain that insight.
Our old street is populated by professionals and Tufts professors now. I see a few helmeted children riding bikes around, and I laugh thinking that a kid who used a crash helmet back in my day would have been teased about it for the rest of his life. The four or five blocks where my brothers and I played were Kid Heaven. There were kids everywhere, running around and raising hell, kids and their mutt dogs.
Many of the canines were siblings to one another. There was a low-rent dog breeder on the other side of our block. He owned a male German shepherd and a female collie, both unfixed, and every time they had a litter, he’d sell the puppies for eight dollars each. The local children were all influenced by television, and so a female dog with collie features might get the name Lassie. Because “Hogan’s Heroes” was a popular series, dogs with dominant shepherd traits were often dubbed Klink, Schultz, Burkhhalter or Hochstetter, although a female could be Helga or Hilda. I suppose that a male poodle would have been called LeBeau after the French P.O.W. on the show, but this is a moot point, since the poodle breed was unknown in the neighborhood. A kid with a poodle would have been as big an outcast as a kid in a bicycle helmet.
A Page From the Reagan Era Diary of Tina Scompigliati
Boston Outsider / Humor
Now that my Friday shift at the Bonbon Salon is over, I’m sitting at one of the mirrors working on my own coif, using a ton of hair spray to get it nice and high, and in my head I’m saying, “Screw you” to all the hippies who bitch about the ozone layer, because I don’t take crap from people who piss me off. The streets here in Somerville are only semi-plowed after yesterday’s storm, and after I leave the shop and drive to my neighborhood, I get a nasty surprise. My parking space across from Mrs. Flaherty’s house, the space I shoveled myself and marked with two trash barrels, is occupied by a big black Oldsmobile, and I have to park three blocks from home instead of three doors away. Somebody is going to pay.
When I open the door at home, my big Italian nose picks up the scent of pasta fazool, the macaroni and bean soup that my mother makes on Fridays during Lent. It’s supposed to be meatless, but Ma starts it by sautéing salt pork and herbs in olive oil. She says that a little meat is okay if it’s, “just for flavor.” Yeah, right, I’d like to see the catechism where she found that loophole. When I go in the kitchen, I see that there are two soup pots on the stove, and I figure that Ma has invited her cousin Chooch, who has an appetite like a Clydesdale with the munchies, over for dinner.
“How was work today, Tina?” Ma asks when she sees me.
“Work was okay, Ma, but somebody stole my parking space,” I tell her, and she gives me a little sermon about loving your enemies. Then she shuts off the soup and heads to the cellar to do laundry.
Well, I decide to give my latest enemy some tough love. I go to the fridge, grab a carton of eggs, and bring them outside to where that stupid Olds is parked. Then I smash the whole dozen on the bastard’s windshield, hoping that the mess will freeze. I retrieve the trash barrels from the sidewalk, remembering to put the egg carton in one of them. I wouldn’t want to litter.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite allegations of fatal shootings of civilians and tax violations, the State Department has renewed Blackwater USA’s multimillion-dollar contract to protect diplomats in Baghdad. However, Blackwater, which has received almost $1.25 billion in federal contracts since 2000, must adhere to the following conditions:
• During training sessions, Blackwater cannot invade West Virginia.
• All Blackwater human resource personnel must follow the Geneva Conventions when interviewing persons for secretarial help.
• Each Blackwater employee must partake in a yearly comprehensive three-second review of the United States Constitution.
• No waterboarding USO entertainers.
• Monthly status reports must be printed on index cards (until George Bush leaves office).
According to just-released records, Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton have made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. And that’s not including money for Hillary’s upcoming book, “It Takes a Gated Village.”
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has formed a presidential exploratory committee and may seek the Libertarian party nomination. Possible campaign slogans include: “I’m not joking. I’m really running for president.”
I wondered how I could rid myself of this mother lode of filth, and I immediately thought of my uncle Sal, who dealt in dubious merchandise. After locking up Richie’s treasure vault, I called Sal and made an appointment to see him on the following Saturday night.
When Saturday afternoon came, I was in Braintree at the Dom DiMaggio Lodge, the local headquarters of the International Society of Garibaldians. The Cattivo family was descended from a long line of anticlerical agitators, and so a memorial service at the lodge would be the closest thing to a funeral Mass that Richie would have. In attendance were a handful of lodge members, about twenty people from the Bunker, Richie’s sister Marie, and his daughter Lucretia. Richie’s ex-wife was conspicuously absent, which cemented her image as an evil shrew in the minds of Richie’s sales colleagues.
At the front of the room was a table bearing Richie’s college graduation picture, along with an urn containing his ashes. As I took the lectern to speak, I recalled something Richie once told me, “If you’re going to lie, make sure that the lie contains a grain of truth.”
Thinking of Richie’s fondness for strippers, I told my audience that the departed appreciated the performing arts. Awed at how Richie had managed to keep his perversion under the radar while amassing all those magazines, I said that he was a quiet man who loved to read. And in light of Richie’s admission that he had spent countless thousands of dollars on lap dances, I lobbed the biggest bullshit grenade of my life.
“We all know that he was a great salesman,” I said solemnly, looking out over the small crowd. “And I believe this was because Richie, in this cold, impersonal world, truly knew how to develop a sense of closeness with people.”
In the front row of mourners, a buxom redhead named Eileen, who had been the favorite object of Richie’s covert ogling, began to sob loudly. I almost started bawling myself.
After the service was over, Marie thanked me for speaking and asked if I had had a chance to inspect Richie’s storage locker.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s full of books.”
“Oh, yes, like you said, he loved to read,” she replied, smiling sweetly. “Are you going to keep them?”
“I’m going to donate them to a library,” I answered, too timid to call her bluff, if it was a bluff. “I’ll have that key for you next week.”
“The library. Richie would have wanted it that way,” she beamed.
I took a deep breath and did my best to calm down. Zack gave me the name of the hospital where Richie had been taken. I said goodbye to Zack, called the hospital, and spoke to a friend who worked in Admitting. She confirmed that a Richard G. Cattivo had been dead on arrival earlier in the evening, and I felt like crap thinking that my last conversation with the poor sad bastard had consisted of wisecracks.
A couple of days later, Richie’s next of kin, his sister Marie, came to the Bunker to collect a few items that were in his desk. Ted, our shift manager, led her over to my work station and introduced us. She was a pretty woman of about fifty, with pleasant blue eyes. Ted went back to his office and let us have a few words alone.
“According to the autopsy, Richie must have died of a massive heart attack that morning,” Marie said. “That thing with the snake was post mortem. Mildred is off the hook.” She smiled wryly, sniffing back tears. It looked as if there was still a joker left in the Cattivo family.
“He talked about you a lot,” she continued. “I found a metal box full of documents at his apartment, and there was a note saying that he wanted you to have something of his if anything ever happened to him.” She reached into her purse and took out a key attached to a plastic tag with the name and address of a storage facility on it. On the key itself was a number that I assumed was the number of a locker. She handed me the key, and then she asked if I would speak at a memorial service that was to be held for Richie the following Saturday.
“Sure, I’ll say a few words” I answered, thinking that Richie had probably alienated all his old friends during his race to oblivion. “And I’ll give this locker key back to you after I see what he left me.”
I soon realized that I was the only person at work who knew the truth about Richie. The official story in the “bunker,” which is what we called the windowless basement room in which we toiled, was that he had lost a lucrative job because of corporate downsizing and that he had left his wife because of infidelity, her infidelity. In one version of the soap opera, Mrs. Cattivo had dallied with the Roto Rooter man. Another rumor was that she had gotten involved with a group of high school athletes and had done something kinky with a lacrosse stick. Richie claimed that he wasn’t behind all the gossip, but conversely, he seemed to do nothing to dispel any negative notions about his ex.
He kept a low profile at work, never making overtures to female coworkers. (“I don’t shit where I eat,” is the way he put it.) Occasionally, when a well-endowed woman walked by, Richie would look at me and cup his own hands in front of his chest, Guy Sign Language for “nice rack,” but he always made sure that nobody was looking. And there were times when he would express remorse for ruining his marriage, and I would feel as if he was seeking some sort of absolution. But over the months, as his sales figures and commissions steadily rose, I could sense that he was growing restless.
“I’ve been looking to get my own place,” he said to me one day in the elevator after work. “Living with roomies is cramping my style. You live alone, right? I tell you what,” he continued, arching his eyebrows. “Let’s go to your place and call an escort service. We can get a couple of girls and have a little orgy. I’ve been doing pretty good at work, so it’s my treat”
“Richie,” I sighed. “My apartment is two lousy rooms. And the lease says that I can’t have pets or whores.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During an appearance on ABC's “The View,” Barack Obama implied that his former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright regrets his incendiary statements. In fact, since retiring, Wright has pledged to:
• Bless a factory that manufacturers American flag lapel pins.
• Nominate the Tuskegee Syphilis Study for a long-deserved Nobel Prize in medicine.
• Criticize Rosa Parks for taking a white insurance executive’s seat on a bus.
• Thank policemen for taking an interest in his life each time they ask: “How can a black guy afford a car like this?”
• Let the world know that no man has contributed more to African American culture than Charlie Pride.
New Cuba President Raul Castro is letting citizens have cell phones, thereby allowing them to call friends and relatives to say, “Stroke, stroke, stroke.”
Mitt Romney appeared with John McCain at Republican fund-raiser in Utah. This was the hardest thing Romney has had to do since switching from Honduran to Guatemalan landscapers.
It was twelve years ago, and I was working another silly job in a long line of silly jobs, doing inside sales for minimum wage plus commission, selling subscriptions to specialized pet magazines. It was cold calling, and I’m sure one can imagine how much fun it was to phone a hundred strangers a day and say, “Excuse me, do you or anyone else in your household own a mongoose?” or other pitches that sounded a lot like juvenile telephone gags.
Richie Cattivo worked there, too. He was a paunchy, balding guy with glasses and a moustache, who seemed to be a middle-aged Everyman. The word was that he was divorced and was being eaten alive by child support payments, and he really hustled for sales. He was such a good salesman that the manager let him handle all the fastest-moving products we were peddling: Iguana Monthly, Ferret Lovers’ Gazette, Gerbil World, etc. I, meanwhile, had low figures and was stuck pushing losers such as the Pygmy Goat Newsletter. Maaaaa. . . .
Richie was a hot shit. One night after we finished our shift, about five months after I met him, he had me cracking up as he told me all about his domestic situation.
“I’m rooming with a guy and a girl about twenty years old,” he told me. “They keep a boa constrictor and feed it live rats. And don’t bother calling them, because they already subscribe to Reptile Health. They screw at all hours and make noises from ‘Wild Kingdom,’ which makes me even more lonely. I’ve been eating in bars most nights so that I can get home after they’re tired out, and to save money I’ve been scarfing down a lot of free appetizers. I’ve had so many fried mozzarella sticks the last month, my ass is made of cheese,” he frowned.
“I have an idea, Richie,” I said. “Chinatown is on my way home, and I know a good place where we can get rice plates or noodles pretty cheap. Take a ride with me, and I’ll pop for dinner. You need to eat some vegetables, or you’ll be missing work for constipation.” He laughed and accepted my offer.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton learned this week that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is just not that into her. As a result, here are a few things suddenly removed from Richardson's schedule:
• Discuss upcoming fantasy football draft with Bill Clinton.
• Deliver key note speech to “It Takes a Village” chatroom.
• Judge Miss Chunky Chick beauty pageant.
• Be fitted for “Richardson/Clinton 2008" velour sweat suit.
• Say to Hillary Clinton each night, “Really? I didn’t know ‘La Bamba’ was your favorite song.”
Dick Cheney celebrated Easter at a nondenominational service in Jerusalem. It was his most profound religious experience since he cashed his first Haliburton check.
A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer, Texas. His campaign slogan is: “I never met a man on the Internet, claiming to be an underage girl, I didn’t like.”
I came to St. Rocco’s in 1958, when the parish needed another priest who spoke the Neapolitan dialect. Father Scaramucci, the original pastor since 1915, was still here then. The man was a legend. For the first two years after his arrival in the United States, while the church was being constructed, he held Mass for other Italian immigrants in the back room of a salumeria -a delicatessen- and so the local Irish joked by calling him, “Padre Bologna.”
But he became an important man in the community, and now a street, a hospital wing, and a nursing home are named after him. Many who have prayed at his grave claim to have been cured of warts and moles. I lived with Father Scaramucci for ten years in the rectory, and I knew him, “warts and all,” as the saying goes. He sometimes skipped reading his Vespers to watch, “I Love Lucy.” He was addicted to spicy food, often eating a whole jar of pepperoncini at a time. When he would get agita from such imprudence, he would ask for Brioschi, a bicarbonate of soda imported from Italy. He said that Alka Seltzer didn’t help, and if we were out of Brioschi , he would send me to the North End to get the stuff. And he cheated at bocce! If he is ever a candidate for sainthood, I suppose I will have to reveal all this to the Devil’s Advocate.
After Father Scaramucci went to his reward, I became pastor, during the tumultuous aftermath of the Second Vatican Council. Not all of the Council’s reforms were well received. Mrs. Cantalupo, whose husband “Boom-Boom” was a well-to-do cement contractor, despised the Folk Mass we instituted, and she threatened to have the parish guitarist assassinated. She relented in her criticism after I appointed her to be the cook of the monthly Communion Breakfast. She was a difficult woman, but she made a delicious pepper-and-onion frittata.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Meg Whitman, eBay’s outgoing CFO, is going to co-chair John McCain’s national presidential campaign. Here are five fund-raising ideas she may not have considered:
• Highest bidder gets a Straight Talk Express steering column that keeps veering to the right.
• Top 10 bidders receive all-expense paid anything courtesy of Boeing.
• Top 25 bidders get to visit U.S. troops in Iraq any time during 2085.
• Top 50 bidders will spend a week with McCain’s mother at a fantasy shuffleboard camp.
• Top 100 bidders will receive a photo of McCain’s forehead on which is an image of the Virgin Mary.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been removed as “spiritual adviser” to the Barack Obama campaign. However, the campaign is in talks with a free agent spiritual advisor who has been clocked at 4.3 seconds in the 40-yard dash across water.
With the Pennsylvania Primary in mind, the Obama campaign is also entertaining thoughts of going with an Amish spiritual adviser.
Boston Outsider / Humor Diary, February 17, 1970:
Our first class of the day is gym, which is always a barrel of laughs. We’re the boys of section 8-A, supposedly the smartest class in eighth grade, but the gym instructor hates our guts. He has us twice a week, and sometimes he gets a kick out of pitting us against one of the juvenile delinquent sections in a game of “kamikaze basketball.” He’s a swarthy guy of about five-feet zero, and he was a high school hoop star for the city in the late 40s. At that height, he didn’t have much of an inside game, and so he was an outside shooter with the nickname, “Sal the Set Shot.”
Today Sal outdoes himself. After we suit up, he tells us to sit in the bleachers. Then he goes out to mid-court and sings several choruses of, “Is That All There Is?” a popular and depressing song about the pointlessness of existence. I don’t know if Sal is just having more fun with us, if he’s had an eye-opener of cheap whiskey for breakfast, or if he dresses up like Peggy Lee in his spare time, but the whole thing is bizarre. The show goes on for so long that we don’t even get any exercise.
Our second period English teacher is a substitute, a young, longhaired guy. At first the rumor about him was that he was a crazed Viet Nam vet, as in, “That guy had a nut blown off over there. Don’t get him mad!” But then it turned out that he was just another hippie out of U.Mass., and now all the burnouts ask him if he can get them any weed.
Boston Outsider / Humor
I am an American of Italian ancestry, and I know that many of my co-ethnics were not thrilled with the way our tribe was portrayed on “The Sopranos.” But there were times when the show raised important questions, such as in the episode in which Paulie the capo and Silvio the consigliere argue as to whether the substance poured over pasta should be called “sauce” or “gravy.” It was a scene that hit home.
“Jimmy, you stupid fuck,” a dear friend once enlightened me. “Don’t call it sauce. If it’s got meat in it, it’s gravy”
Yes, meat is important in Italo-American culture. When I was growing up, no Fourth of July cookout at our house was complete without Italian sausages (hot and sweet) to show those burgers and hot dogs who was boss. Our fridge was always stocked with fine cold cuts. Once, when I was caught with a piece of genoa salami on a meatless Friday, I claimed that it was for my grandmother’s cat, and my mother countered by saying that the cat was a Third Order Carmelite, bound by vows to abstain from meat on both Fridays and Wednesdays.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Samantha Power, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and unpaid adviser to Barack Obama, resigned on Friday after calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth as demonstrated by the following comparison:
• Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist. Hillary Clinton was raised by an overbearing father.
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon was played by actor Ben Chapman (who recently died on February 21, 2008). Hillary Clinton is played by herself.
• Godzilla has appeared in 28 movies. Hillary Clinton has appeared in 20 presidential debates.
• Dracula sucked the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Hillary Clinton has sucked the innocence out of Barack Obama’s childhood.
• King Kong carried a woman to the top of the Empire State Building and then gently set her down. Who knows what Hillary Clinton did with most of Bill’s girl friends?
President Bush vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would’ve banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other interrogation techniques considered by most to be torture. Bush added, “In order for this administration to function, we must be able to torture both terrorists and the English language.”
A John McCain adviser said Karl Rove is now informally advising the campaign. McCain said it was purely coincidental that after their first meeting, the Senator remembered that one of his jailers in Vietnam was Hillary Clinton.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Keys to this week’s Super Tuesday:
• Ohio -- Hillary Clinton must convince voters that only she can prevent Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from being moved to Bombay.
• Rhode Island -- Barack Obama needs to tailor his message to the nation’s tiniest state: Small Change We Can Believe In.
• Texas -- Remember, es la economía, estúpido.
• Vermont -- It’s a rocky road without the support of Ben & Jerry.
Dmitry Medvedev, Vladimir Putin's hand-picked successor, easily won Russia's presidential election, causing President Bush to complain, “If Clinton and Obama can’t pronounce his name, what chance have I?”
John McCain has refused to renounce the endorsement of Texas televangelist John Hagee who is accused of being anti-Catholic, anti-gay, and anti-black. An amazed McCain added, “And yet he doesn’t hate the Jews.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Ralph Nader announced he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
• Yeah, it’s me again.
• My suit will be ready on day one.
• Admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like if I were in charge.
• Can you spare some change we can believe in?
• If I don’t win this time, my relatives will have me committed.
The Bush administration announced U.S. telecommunications companies have agreed to cooperate “for the time being” with spy agencies’ wiretaps -- as long as surveillance targets agree to a two-year service contract that includes phone, cable, and Internet.
John McCain denied his campaign is being run by lobbyists -- during his daily Verizon press conference and before his Sealy Posturepedic nap.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Struggling to close a $4.4 billion deficit, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their illegal drugs. Here are some other taxes and fees the governor should consider:
• Prostitutes are levied a graduated booty tax, which would depend on how much junk they’re packing in their trunk.
• Salespeople must buy a license to sell fake Rolex watches out of a car.
• Squeegee men must charge a 10 percent tax on each vehicle which can be collected by threatening to urinate on it.
• Crack addicts will pay an excise tax on all valuables stolen to supply their habit. Amy Winehouse will be charged double.
• Police must pay a tax on all bribes and payoffs, but can deduct the cost of laundering dirty cash. There is also a 10 percent reduction if your name is Serpico.
President George H.W. Bush has endorsed John McCain -- but only after son Neil emerged from a Bangkok brothel and announced he wasn’t running.
In the Netherlands, people protested outside a theater where a 104-year-old singer who once performed for Adolf Hitler sang for the first time in four decades. He didn’t help his cause when he goose-stepped across the stage using a walker.
Politics / Humor - Politics
Barack Obama won the Maine caucuses. Exit polling showed him doing very well with voters 34-67 and lobsters baked and broiled.
Hillary Clinton has replaced her campaign manager with longtime aide Maggie Williams. Williams’ new strategy is to focus less on cold and more on calculating.
Hillary Clinton has refused to release her tax returns until she wins the Democratic presidential nomination – or at least until Bill can find all his receipts form Hooters.
Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis. It was very emotional. They hugged and then Solis went to the hospital to be treated for ice burns.
Barack Obama won a Grammy. The question is: In a General Election, will he be able to beat a Grampy?
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
On Saturday, Barack Obama easily swept the Louisiana, Washington, and Nebraska presidential contests. Key factors included:
• Louisiana -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for Fats Domino’s piano style.”
• Nebraska -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for the popularity of corn on the cob.”
• Washington -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for rainy weather and the Windows operating system.”
After winning the Kansas caucuses, Mike Huckabee said, “I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.” His next miracle: President McCain appoints him Secretary of Freebies.
Dick Cheney joined with lawmakers in signing a Supreme Court brief that goes further in support of gun rights than the one submitted by the Bush administration. He then boarded an F-16 fighter jet to go pheasant hunting.
Politics / Humor - Politics
Maria Shriver is supporting Barack Obama while her husband, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, is supporting John McCain. To save their marriage, Wolf Blitzer will be moderating all dinner conversation.
Mike Huckabee complained that he always gets questions about God when he'd rather talk about public policy. “For example,’ he said, “no one asks me about how Christ will lower the deficit.”
John McCain is trying to reassure Republicans that he is conservative enough. Yesterday, he gave an oil executive a foot massage.
President Bush has proposed the nation's first-ever $3 trillion budget, most of which will be used to settle lawsuits from Dick Cheney hunting accidents.
A Romney win on Super Tuesday would be brutal for John Edwards. All he’d be thinking is: “That could’ve been my hair up there.”
The candidates aren’t taking any chances on Super Tuesday. For example, Hillary is wearing her lucky pantsuit.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five biggest questions that will decide Super Tuesday:
• Does Romney have enough hair gel to cover 20 States?
• Can Hillary Clinton get her likeability ratings above Osama bin Laden’s?
• Will Rush Limbaugh’s meds kick in before his attacks on John McCain cause irreparable damage?
• Can Bill and Hillary stop Roger Clinton from endorsing Barack Obama?
• Will Mike Huckabee be able to channel an endorsement from Stonewall Jackson?
Bad week for Rudy #1 -- Rudy Giuliani's concession speech included thanks to his wife, Judith, her daughter, Whitney -- but not his own kids. Apparently, he’s still angry at them for skipping Thanksgiving at his mistress’ apartment.
Bad week for Rudy #2 -- Diego Caiola of Miami Beach gives a two-hour Gianni Versace Murder Tour that ends in front of the mansion where the former fashion designer was shot. It's almost as popular as the tour that ends where Rudy Giuliani's candidacy died
Politics / Humor - Politics
The decision by Ted and Caroline Kennedy to endorse Barack Obama has pit two of America’s prominent political families, the Kennedys and Clintons, against each other. Kind of like Playboy vs. Penthouse.
Last night, President Bush delivered his final State of the Union speech. It seems like yesterday a confused and clueless man stood before the American people…wait, that was yesterday.
An L.A. Times story said, “President Bush delivered his seventh and likely final State of the Union address Monday.” “Likely?” Is Bush thinking about inviting the Supreme Court to be his MySpace friends?
Yesterday, Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama. Today, in a hastily-organized press conference, actor George Kennedy said he’s leaning towards Hillary Clinton.
Yesterday, Ted Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama. It’s amazing how fast things change. Two weeks ago, Kennedy couldn’t pronounce “Barack Obama.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s easy victory in the South Carolina Democratic primary and his overwhelming support from blacks indicate the Clintons have not reached out enough to African Americans. Here are some suggestions for Bill and Hillary:
• Secure a new quote from Toni Morrison: “Hillary Clinton will be the nation’s first Black Panther president.”
• Post a Hillary and Charles Rangel “I Got You Babe” duet on YouTube.
• Suggest the Clinton’s are equally involved in the White- and Blackwater scandals.
• Claim that Hillary’s mother marched with Martin Luther King and George Romney.
• Spread a rumor: Barack Obama’s real father was a Rhodesian plantation owner named Emil.
John McCain has accused Mitt Romney of being a manager and not a leader. Romney responded with a scathing PowerPoint presentation.
Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama. Asked why, she responded: “After marrying a Jew, endorsing a black for president was the only way I could get my grandfather to roll back over in his grave.”
Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Liz has signed on as one of Mitt Romney's senior foreign policy advisers. Her best advice: "Whatever my dad did, do the opposite."
Politics / Humor - Politics
Actor Chuck Norris, a Mike Huckabee supporter, said Sunday that Sen. John McCain is too old to be president. Being too old didn’t stop Norris from starring in his last 10 movies.
Democrats outside the United States can now vote online. No one has been helped more Dennis Kucinich who’s already received 4,000 votes from Mars.
Hillary Clinton was so angry at Barack Obama during last night’s debate she almost told him to go sleep on the couch.
Democrats now have a white man, a black man, and a woman running for president. This is like trying to pick your favorite character on “Mod Squad.”
To save money, Mike Huckabee is no longer scheduling planes and buses for journalists covering his presidential campaign. However, he will stay in constant contact with them using his new Mullet Cam.
In Florida, Mitt Romney has started running ads in Spanish. He’s also working on another one that shows him helping Menudo climb over a border fence.
Humor - “’Troubled singer’ is my first name” Amy Winehouse appeared at a British courthouse to provide support for husband Blake Fielder-Civil, who pleaded innocent to charges of causing grievous bodily harm with intent to pub landlord James King.
Winehouse’s appearance was also a way of emphasizing to her husband: “This is what you’re going to look like when your cellmate decides to make you his bitch.”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Bush administration is about to announce the overhaul of FEMA. Among the changes:
• To eliminate confusion, disaster victims will be told to flee their homes in alphabetical order.
• If relief does not arrive for flood victims within a reasonable amount of time, Anderson Cooper can be used as a floatation device.
• People living in FEMA trailers must also be provided with biohazard pajamas.
• President Bush must be notified within six months upon the commencement of a major emergency response.
• FEMA’s toll-free emergency phone line has added the following item to its menu of options: “Press 9 to find out if anybody is in charge.”
John McCain has won the South Carolina Primary, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Hillary Clinton has won the Nevada Democratic caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Mitt Romney has won the Nevada Republican caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Politics / Humor - Politics
Rudy Giuliani asked an evangelical congregation in Miami not for their votes, but for their prayers – and the name of a discreet out-of-the-way hotel.
Mitt Romney told an audience in Michigan, “If I'm president of the United States, I will not rest until Michigan is back.” He then told some jokes at the expense of his home state Massachusetts.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have agreed that arguing over civil rights could harm their party's chances to win the White House. So tomorrow, they’ll issue a joint press release attacking the part in John Edwards’ hair.
Mitt Romney called his win in the Michigan primary “a victory of optimism over Washington-style pessimism.” His financial backers called it a stay of execution.
Asked about husband Bill's infidelity on the “Tyra Banks Show,” Hillary Clinton said, “I never doubted Bill’s love for me ever.” And he never doubted her willingness to take a meat cleaver to his privates.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, is asking for a recount. Kucinich is suggesting possible voter fraud, but there may be other reasons for his low number of votes:
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
• Members of “Short People for Kucinich” couldn’t reach his button on the voting machines.
• Experts underestimated the ability of “Vegans for Hillary” to get out the vote.
• People can’t get the image of Eleanor Roosevelt with a pierced tongue stud out of their heads.
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal was arrested the day before the New Hampshire primary in Nashua, N.H. on a charge of drunken driving -- just minutes after he announced Clinton was beating Obama among 18-39-year-old moose.
Politics / Humor - Politics
The Clinton campaign is energized after winning the N.H. Primary. In fact they’ve now scheduled their candidate to spontaneously almost cry every other Tuesday.
In his post N.H. Primary speech, an optimistic Mitt Romney said, “I've gotten two silvers and one gold.” At some point, voters may not be impressed with his 38 bronze.
Obama has to keep his N.H. Primary second-place finish in perspective. Four years ago, most people thought Barack was IKEA’s line of Moroccan chairs.
John Edwards assured his supporters he’s staying in the campaign. This may not be enough for people who still aren’t aware he’s in it.
It wasn’t a great night for the polls which also predicted 75% less filling, 25% taste great.
Today is the New Hampshire primary and tomorrow those locals who, every four years, hang out in diners while delighting the media with their homespun political wisdom, go back to being their town’s respective village idiots.
Television / Humor - “How to Look Good Naked,” a new show on Lifetime, seeks to help women feel good about their bodies. Thankfully, this is not a problem for men.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories The Iowa Caucuses – What have we learned?
• Mike Huckabee has proven there’s one thing Jesus wouldn’t do: charge exorbitant consulting fees to help a Republican win.
• Bill Clinton thought selling the country on the idea of universal health care was tough -- until he tried to sell Iowa on the idea of Hillary as president.
• “Mitt Romney spent millions of dollars in Iowa and all he got was this lousy T-shirt.”
• Barack Obama has a powerful and inspirational message: “I am not Hillary Clinton.”
• John Edwards could crash into the sun and still not catch fire.
The New Hampshire Primary – What will we learn?
• Mitt Romney reached the end of the road. Or has he more positions than a triple-jointed contortionist?
• Evangelical Christian voters from Iowa will be disappointed when their favorite candidate addresses a group of “Nashua Pagans for Huckabee.”
• It takes the average Wellesley College undergraduate years of counseling to erase the trauma of canvassing door-to-door one weekend for alumna Hillary Clinton.
• Barack Obama’s message of hope will be enough to win over New Hampshire voters. Or will he need to dip into Oprah’s swag bag?
• The Granite State will be the biggest test for Ron Paul. Can his blimp make it over Mt. Washington?
• Mitt Romney announces he believes Nicole Kidman is pregnant. One week later, he says he believes she isn’t, claiming his opinion has evolved.
• Hillary Clinton refuses to acknowledge she was wrong when she said she believed Nicole Kidman was pregnant.
• Rudy Giuliani admits authorizing a police escort for Nicole Kidman to buy a First Response Pregnancy Test Kit at a Long Island drug store.
• Barack Obama pledges to unite people who think Nicole Kidman is pregnant and people who think she made up the story for publicity.
• Mike Huckabee criticizes other candidates for “politicizing Ms. Kidman’s situation,” saying, “This is just between her, Jesus Christ, and the NRA.”
• John Edwards criticizes the Nicole Kidman pregnancy gossip as another example of “the inequities between A-list and B-list celebrities.
• Joe Biden refuses to comment on whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, “This country is going to hell in a hand basket, and not one reporter has asked me about Jamie Lynn Spears!”
• Fred Thompson refuses to say whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, but acknowledges, “I may have gotten smashed at a cast party and done God knows what. If so, I’ll do the gentlemanly thing and marry her.”
• Dennis Kucinich refuses to take a position on Nicole Kidman’s possible pregnancy, saying, “Why should I care? My wife is hotter and taller.”
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Are you surprised to learn Mitt Romney watched his father march “hand in hand” with Martin Luther King? Don’t be. He’s not the only candidate whose relative touched greatness.
• Hillary Clinton’s husband, Bill received his first penicillin shot from the grand nephew of Louis Pasteur.
• Mike Huckabee’s father, the first member of the Columbia Record Club, collected 10 free wax-coated phonograph cylinders from Thomas Edison. He then signed up his entire family and collected 300 more.
• Barack Obama’s mother appeared on Art Linkletter’s short-lived show, “Wives Have the Weirdest Last Names.”
• Rudy Giuliani watched his uncle march a Joe Valachi associate into the trunk of a waiting car.
• Dennis Kucinich’s father was business partners with ObeWanKanobe.
According to a CNN-WMUR poll, Hillary Clinton is beating Barack Obama, 42 percent to 25 percent among females -- although both are trailing Joe Biden among female impersonators.
Mike Huckabee is adopting a tougher stance on immigration. For example, he now feels no illegal immigrant should be allowed to stay in this country until he or she has vacuumed Huckabee’s pool.
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney needs to stem the Huckabee tide and quick. Here are some suggestions:
• 150-slide PowerPoint presentation: “Connecting with the Little People.”
• Deliver a “Torture in America” speech. Few Americans know where Mormons stand on waterboarding.
• Match Huckabee freebie for freebie. Never turn down another complimentary continental breakfast.
• It’s not enough to demand Huckabee apologize to Bush for saying the president had a “bunker mentality.” Romney should also send his landscaping company over to mow the bunker’s lawn.
• Acquire, at any cost, the endorsement of Larry the Cable Guy.
To soften her image, Hillary Clinton has been campaigning with her mother and daughter. To toughen her image, she plans to campaign with a Joseph Stalin impersonator.
Rudy Giuliani has been reworking his stump speech. Key changes: avoid words that rhyme with “affair,” “motel,” and “quickie.”
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
While working for television evangelist James Robison, Mike Huckabee said he made himself sound more knowledgeable by reading issues of Reader’s Digest. In fact, he prepped for his last debate while waiting to get his teeth cleaned.
Shortly before she married Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham tried to enlist in the Marines. She was rejected when a recruiter told her, “You're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman.” Or as Bill calls that: “My closing-time dream date.”
The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on the Spanish language network Univision. Here are the five least-subtle pandering statements made:
• Fred Thompson -- If elected president, I will declare salsa to be the national condiment.
• Mitt Romney -- No one should be allowed to be a citizen of this country unless they can speak English or operate a leaf blower.
• John McCain -- Now Freddy Prinze, there was a comedian!
• Mike Huckabee -- Pardoning Pablo Escobar would’ve been the Christian thing to do.
• Rudy Giuliani -- I’d send a limo half way around the world to pick up Rita Moreno.
In 1992, Mike Huckabee advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public and opposed increased federal funding in the search for a cure, saying homosexuality could “pose a dangerous public health risk.” However, he did propose decreasing Arkansas Medicaid fees on leeches and exorcisms.
Politics / Humor - Liberal sports fans from Massachusetts, rejoice! The Red Sox and Patriots are dominating sports that right wingers equate with God, country, and patriotic pickup truck commercials.
If Tom Brady can pick apart a Dallas Cowboy defense without mussing his metrosexual mane, can a Country Western Music award for Jonathan Papelbon be far behind?
Bill Belichick’s tough no-nonsense style makes conservatives wonder if he’s Dick Cheney’s other distant cousin, but his lack of communication skills are pure Dukakis and Kerry.
Even a former (when he ran for state office) and future (if he wins the nomination) moderate politician like Mitt Romney is showing Red State America how to run as a conservative candidate.
When Boston Mayor Tom Menino injured his leg trying to hoist the World Series Trophy, he sent a message to right wingers: Limp knee liberals may not be buffed, but they make up for it with brains, organization, and hidden (most of the time) video surveillance.
Politics / Humor -Top Story
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will give a speech at the George Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas this week, explaining his Mormon faith. In order to reach out to evangelical Christians, Romney will begin his talk with: “Ich bin ein Okie from Muskogee.”
Top five headlines from a Giuliani presidential administration:
• Air Force One flies First Lady to jazzercise class
• Air Force One flies First Mistress to jazzercise class
• Attorney General Bernard Kerik sworn in at his Rikers Island cell/office
• White House intruders identified as president’s children from second marriage
• Government olive oil contract awarded to Giuliani Partners
Keith Kerr, the retired gay Army colonel who, during the CNN/YouTube Republican Debate, asked the candidates about their views on gays in the military, turned out to be connected to the Clinton campaign. The Clinton campaign responded: “Thank God! We thought it was Barbra Streisand without her makeup.”
Politics / Humor -Top Story
The Middle East peace talks begin this week in Annapolis, Maryland. Here are President Bush’s five keys to a successful conference:
• Even though it’s the holiday season, do not lead the participants in a rousing rendition of The Dreidel Song.
• Do not try to settle any differences with a mountain bike race.
• No watching TV during negotiations.
• No new nicknames for world leaders without first clearing them with Condoleezza Rice.
• The Golan Heights are not a WNBA team.
Barack Obama said the experience of living in another country as a child gave him a better feel for international issues than other candidates. Joe Biden was quick to point out he’s a regular customer at International House of Pancakes.
Mike Huckabee has been endorsed by pro wrestler Ric Flair, thus clinching the support of voters who think Mike Huckabee was Tammy Wynette’s third husband.
John Edwards says we can lower the cost of heating oil by increasing regulation of oil companies and promoting energy efficiency -- or closing off the back wing of his mansion during the winter.
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
In a speech to the Federalist Society, Rudy Giuliani said judicial nominees should be judged on their qualifications, honesty, and integrity, not their judicial philosophy. As an example, he mentioned his personal driver, Larry who just made dean’s list at the University of Bahamas Online Law School.
Undecided voters were allowed to ask questions at Thursday night's Democratic presidential debate. Here are some that CNN didn’t use:
• Which one of you is John Edwards?
• Senator Dodd, what is your exit strategy for getting U.S. troops out of Iran?
• Senator Clinton, under your health care plan, will I be covered for asbestos pantsuit chafe?
• Senator Biden, should illegal immigrants be allowed to be driving instructors?
• Senator Obama bin Laden, do you think the country is ready for its first terrorist president?
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Bernard B. Kerik revealed his defense strategy when he proclaimed: “My life has been marked by challenge…, “Whether it was growing up, being a cop, Rikers Island, the New York City Police Department, or the worst challenge, until this time, my challenges during and after 9/11. This is a battle I’m going to fight.”
Here is a sample of what the government can expect:
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you disclose the $250,000 loan from a wealthy Israeli industrialist whose companies did business with the federal government? Kerik: 9/ll
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report as income the $255,000 in renovations to your Bronx apartment? Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report the $20,000 consulting fees in 2002? Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: What is the capitol of Indiana? Kerik: 9/11
Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president. Robertson said it’s the hardest thing he’s had to do since voting for Sanjaya on “American Idol.”
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Hillary Clinton said the other candidates are not piling onto her because she’s a woman, but because she's winning. Bill Clinton said it doesn't matter. He just loves the image.
Fred Thompson said he was unaware of his campaign co-chairman’s drug dealing past. Although in retrospect, Philip Martin's nickname, “Mr. Medellín,” should have tipped him off.
Former Vice President Walter Mondale has endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for president. In addition to his support, Mondale told Clinton, “Feel free to use my ‘Where’s the beef?’ line. It never fails to kill.”
The New York Times reports the Bush administration is considering plans to close Guantanamo prison. Here are five possible uses for it:
• Guantanamo Bed, Breakfast, & Waterboarding Inn.
• Disney World - Guantanamo -- It’s a small cell after all.
• George W. Bush Presidential Library and Enhanced Interrogation Center.
• Club Med - Guantanamo -- You’ll come for the sun. You'll stay because we say so.
• Motel 6 - Guantanamo -- We’ll leave the light on -- until you talk.
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney explained that his mixing up the names of Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama was simply a mistake. He also said this when he referred to:
• Hillary Hitler
• Massachusetts Gov. Deval Putin
• Rudy Mussolini
• O.J. McCain
• Attila the Huckabee.
Fred Thompson is pledging to get tough with illegal immigrants -- just as long as it doesn't cut into his nap time.
Five signs you’re suffering from campaign debate fatigue:
• You’ve seen every pant suit owned by Hillary Clinton.
• You can identify Mike Gravel and Ron Paul.
• You change channels if you know there won’t be any shots of Dennis Kucinich’s babe-alicious wife.
• You know when Rudy Giuliani will say “9/11” before he does.
• The candidates start to make sense.
Politics / Humor -Top Stories
President Bush has imposed new sanctions against Myanmar. These include:
• Cancellation of “Queer Eye for the Myanmar Guy”
• Import ban on all Myanmarian brutal military officer bobble-head dolls
• No more White House Myanmarian karaoke nights
• Removal of the Myanmar double cheese burger from all restaurant menus
• No Myanmar NFL expansion team
Hillary Clinton said illegal immigrants will not be covered by her proposed healthcare plan -- unless they can afford a $50,000 co-payment in her also-proposed "Norman Hsu Campaign Donation Health Plan."
Lynne Cheney said she’d be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton as president -- and yet she goes to bed each night knowing she may be shot in the face.
Critics question Nancy Pelosi's decision to push for an Armenian genocide resolution in Congress -- particularly since we’ve yet to acknowledge the brutal thumpings received by the Notre Dame football team.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy has disappeared after calling in sick a week and a half ago. Here are five possible scenarios that may explain his whereabouts:
• He is taking former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s advice to get in touch with his inner cabaret singer.
• He is waiting in line for Bruce Springteen tickets.
• He is being forced to listen to the long version of how Donald Trump bagged Miss Wyoming.
• He needs more time to rehearse his scratchy voice before phoning again to claim he really is sick.
• He suffers from the most common ailment in New Jersey -- disappearing without a trace.
President Bush said he may be willing to compromise on Congress’s proposal to expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- if Congress is willing to specify that all heart and liver transplants will be performed on an out-patient basis.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During the latest Democratic debate in New Hampshire, leading White House candidates could not guarantee to pull all U.S. combat troops from Iraq by 2013 -- or as it is now being called: the nuanced response heard round the world.
A lawyer representing some inmates at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba says he has been prohibited from giving his clients such items as Speedo swimsuits and Under Armour briefs. Authorities, however, claim that before interrogations, prisoners receive the option of being tortured in boxers or briefs.
In his just-released autobiography, “My Grandfather's Son,” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas attempts to set the record straight about his contentious nomination hearings. For example, what actually impressed him about Long Dong Silver was the porn star’s ability to use service station rest rooms without leaving his car.
The airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested has undergone renovations. Changes include:
• Each stall has a TV broadcasting Fox News.
• The middle stall has been endowed by George Michael.
• Translators fluent in Spanish and French hand signals are now on duty.
• Thursday is Bojangles tap night.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Mitt Romney released a 67-page booklet called “Strategy for a Stronger America” in which he presents 10 challenges for a stronger nation. Here are some challenges that didn't survive the first draft:
• Curbing out-of-control campaign promises
• Ending the tide of illegal immigrants -- after they've finished mowing my lawn
• Confronting radical jihad --- preferably with the help of somebody else’s kids
• Criminalizing abortion by Monday -- and legalizing it by Wednesday
• Winning the global economic competition -- while earning $8.50 an hour with no benefits
President Bush accused the Democratic Congress of out-of-control spending, proving once again, he’s the man who puts the chutz in chutzpah.
Rudy Giuliani “accidentally” received another cell phone call from his wife during a speech to the NRA. Will it help promote him as a family man? It depends if the call was from wife number 1, 2, or 3.
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
General David Petraeus could not have appreciated being called “General Betray Us” in a full-page ad placed by Moveon.org in the New York Times. Perhaps it’s time for him to step down and promote his able assistant, Major Calvin P. Cutandrun.
Sen. Hillary Clinton announced she’ll return $850,000 in campaign donations solicited by Norman Hsu -- but only after spending one more evening rolling around naked in it.
Critics claiming that Fred Thompson is too lazy to run for president point out that since beginning his campaign bus tour on Thursday, he’s been averaging only three campaign stops a day. However, Thompson said that didn’t include trips to Disneyland, the Grand Canyon, and Branson Missouri.
President Bush’s latest catch-phrase for staying in Iraq is “Return on success,” which narrowly beat out “I’ll show you, Dad!”
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Master thespian Fred Thompson used an appearance on the “Tonight” show as an opportunity to throw his SAG card into the ring. Now, it’s time to find out about the real Fred Thompson. Is he the gruff but stoic district attorney Arthur Branch in “Law and Order?” The gruff but stoic Rear Admiral Joshua Painter in “The Hunt for Red October?” Or the gruff but stoic Maj. Gen. Melrose Hayden Barry in “Fat Man and Little Boy?”
Osama bin Laden, appearing on video for the first time in three years, urged Americans to convert to radical Islam. He even says he has no problem with American suicide bombers changing their final words from “Praise to Allah” to a more inclusive “Season’s Greetings.”
Colorado authorities finally caught disgraced Democratic fundraiser Norman Hsu. Hours of relentless questioning by detectives resulted in a $10,000 donation to the Hillary Clinton Campaign by the Grand Junction police department.
Politics / Humor - Dogging allegations
While waiting to appear with his future companion on “Oprah” to plug their new Boise bed and breakfast as well as his I’m-glad-I-got-that-off-my-newly-waxed-chest memoir, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has hired a legal team that includes Michael Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin. This case may have nothing to do with a dog-fighting gambling ring, but it does raise the obvious question: When betting on anonymous men’s room sexual encounters, how can you tell who’s winning?
In a related story, Mitt Romney announced he’s never set foot in a public restroom.
In a related story to the related story, Mitt Romney announced he did knock on restroom stall doors in the 1960s but only while doing missionary work.
Politics / Humor - One, two, uh three, here’s what we’re fighting for
In a speech to US veterans of 20th century conflicts in Asia, President Bush pointed out the similarities between the Iraq and Vietnam conflicts -- again attempting to explain why yet another generation of privileged Americans must avoid dying their country.
Abortion, no abortion; gay marriage, no gay marriage; let’s call the whole thing off
Mitt Romney said as president he would allow individual states to keep abortion legal, two weeks after saying he supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. This may not be a good week for him to weigh on “tastes great or less filling.”
5 ways Hillary Clinton can get her negatives up
• Announce first order as president: have Bill fixed
• Give this sincerity thing a try
• Record love song duet CD with Michael Bolton
• New policy -- exhale at least once a week
• Three words -- wet pantsuit contest
Politics / Humor - Exit Karl Rove
Karl Rove is leaving Washington, presumably to spend more time with his family and question their patriotism. He can also finally pursue his ultimate dream -- train for the "Mr. Pasty White Guy" body building competition. The president will miss his faithful advisor and brain, but it’s reassuring to know Rove is only a dirty trick away.
Giuliani: “I’d like to see a menu and five forms of ID.”
After governing the city that green cards forgot, Rudy Giuliani wants us to believe he will put a stop to illegal immigration if elected president. The message is clear -- Mail order brides need not apply for the position of Mrs. Giuliani, número cuatro.
Humor - Guest contributor, Chuck Durang
The White House and Congress expressed anger that the Iraqi Parliament planned to take a month’s vacation while the situation in that country was still so unsettled. Congress and the President then left Washington for their one-month vacations.
Any Muslim cleric with access to adherents, a microphone or an Internet site can issue a /fatwa, /a ruling on some aspect of Muslim behavior or duty. These fatwas may conflict with each other, to add to the confusion. The imam Hassan ben Sobr, chief cleric of the Mosque of the Prophet’s Brother-in-Law, in Brockton, Massachusetts, recently issued a fatwa directing all devout Muslims to pray for the destruction of the New York Yankees.
This was followed by a fatwa from Professor Wasabi al-Toledo, Chairman of the Department of Islamic Studies at New York’s Yeshiva University, offering a spot in Paradise for anyone who can introduce large quantities of stinging insects into ben Sobr’s beard.
Politics / Humor - From Fringe to Cringe Candidate
GOP Rep. Tom “Hablo Ingles Solamente” Tancredo propelled his candidacy from no chance in Hell to no chance in Hell and beyond when he said he favored bombing Mecca and other Islamic holy sites to deter a terrorist attack on the United States. Tancredo has even DAR dowagers wondering if they should book passage back to England on the Mayflower.
I Love Lake Winnipesaukee in the Summer
Top 5 reasons French President Nicolas Sarkozy chose to vacation in New Hampshire:
• Club Med-Bayonne was totally booked.
• Jerry Lewis claims the Granite State has the best lobster roll.
• Sarkozy mistakenly thought New Hampshire’s motto was “Live Free or Diet.”
• The money saved from stocking up at state liquor stores more than pays for the trip.
• Where else can a middle-age man be the Speedo King?
Humor - Americans have always viewed our founding fathers as a heartier breed. Our country’s first multitaskers raised families, crops, and a militia. Paul Revere had the mettle to reach Concord without stopping at Starbucks, going to yoga class, and checking his Blackberry.
Still, we should not sell ourselves short. The challenges of 21st century living would be difficult for the stoutest of Colonial folks. Customer service is just one example.
City of Philadelphia, 1751: Dear Whitechapel Bell Foundry: The Liberty bell we ordered last year was delivered today. It is a fine looking crate, but when will you be installing it?
Whitechapel Bell Foundry, 1752: Your business is very important to us. We regret to inform you that our Colonial field support engineer recently quit and is now servicing butter churns in Rhode Island. Please refer to the enclosed installation and service manuals. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to write. We will respond promptly within one or two years.
Philadelphia, 1753: We received the documentation. Unfortunately, it is written in Italian, a language unfamiliar to all of our indentured workers. What gives? Are you really located in England or have you outsourced your product support to Tuscany?
Foundry, 1754: Our sincerest apologies for sending you the wrong documentation. Enclosed are English instructions for Ye Deluxe Bell, model number 234y. Please write if you have any other questions. Our new Response Center has reduced our already-speedy service from 12 to 11 months.
Humor - In the New York Post’s Page Six section on July ninth, Cindy Adams tells us she has “lost three friends recently.” She never had a chance to tell Beverly Sills “I love you” because Cindy had been in Cuba. She “lost the opportunity to say goodbye to that dynamo and great gal and good friend Claudia Cohen.” And while “changing planes after Havana in Miami, I finally saw a newspaper and realized author Lois Wyse, a special lady whom I knew especially well, passed on.”
Four thoughts come to mind:
a. Cindy Adams uses the term “friend” very loosely.
b. Cindy Adams is the worst friend in world.
c. Cindy Adams’s friends die at an unusually high rate.
d. Being Cindy Adam’s friend can be dangerous to your health.
Humor / Politics - Farfour, the adorable mouse and Palestinian spokes-rodent met his untimely end after being beaten to death by an Israeli official/terrorist who was trying to buy Farfour’s land. The Mickey Mouse lookalike was the star of a Hamas-sponsored children's television program, “Tomorrow's Pioneers.”
Sara, the show’s the teen presenter told the audience of future therapy cases and suicide bombers, “Farfour was martyred while defending his land.” He was murdered “by the killers of children.” No doubt, Farfour is in a better place sharing a piece of cheese with one of his 72 virgins, which may or may not be a lot for a mouse.
Unfortunately, this is not the only cartoon character whose premature demise has come at the hands of Zionists:
Bambi’s mother died in a fire started by Jews who were burning the forest for the insurance money.
Bugs “Bunny” Siegel mercilessly beat Elmer Fudd’s cousin Muhammad Al-Fudd to a bloody pulp after Al-Fudd refused to open a Ramadan Club account at a Jewish-controlled bank.
Charlie Brownstein (did you actually think “Brown” was his real name?) tricked the Little Red-Haired Girl into going on a date. They ended up in a Motel 6 where she was brutally ravaged by Charlie and a Chasidic motorcycle gang.
Mossad agents kidnapped Dagwood Bumstead and blackmailed him into confessing he was Yasir Arafat’s boy toy.
Humor / Politics - Are you thinking about running for political office or being a public figure? Be prepared to face a barrage of video cameras, and be prepared to end up on YouTube.
No one will ask if you are ready for your close-up. No one will point out there is spinach in your teeth. And no will ask for one more take -- this time without you checking for ear wax.
Your life 24/7 is fair game, and you have got to know how to play it. Follow these tips and you will not be viewed more times than the water-skiing squirrel.
· Feel free to visit strip clubs and massage parlors, but always bring a book. No one will care if you are getting a lap dance if you are getting it while reading ”War and Peace.”
· You cannot afford to be videotaped while under the influence of drugs. Do not take a chance. Begin every speech by saying “It may be the over-the-counter cold medicine I just took talking but…"
· Never preface anything by saying, “Who’s going to know?” or "I dare you to post that!"
· Do not bend down to pick up the newspaper from your lawn with only a towel wrapped around your waist.
Humor - Restless-Legs Syndrome is proof modern medicine will stop at nothing to discover and eradicate ailments we never knew existed. It is now safe to sleep without your limbs involuntarily break dancing, but pharmaceutical companies will not rest until they find more disorders which can be cured or controlled with a “magic” pill. Here are just a few they may be working on.
Clueless President Syndrome – Often misdiagnosed as mental retardation, victims of CPS suffer from lack of concentration, inability to process information not printed on index cards, and an unquestioning belief in themselves and the Easter Bunny.
Angry Middle Finger Syndrome – Talk to your doctor about AMFS if you ever punched out an elderly person in a walker for having more than 10 items in an Express line.
Bursting Seams Syndrome – Unlike people with OCD (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) who repeat tasks over and over, BSS sufferers spend countless hours doing one thing: trying to fit into clothes that are 10 sizes too small. The only known treatment until now has been spandex, which in many cases causes extreme nausea for those forced to watch a set of gigantic love handles jiggling through Wal-Mart.
Wayward Penis Syndrome – There are two theories about WPS among the mostly-male scientists who have spent years studying it: a) It is the most enjoyable project they have worked on. b) Whoever rats out their scam to the higher-ups is a dead man.
Complaining He Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Down Syndrome – If you have CHNLTTSDS, you probably also have HNTTGOT (He Never Takes The Garbage Out Syndrome) and OSHJSOTCWHHDHPAWTFGS (On Sunday He Just Sits On The Couch With His Hand Down His Pants And Watches The Football Game Syndrome).
Politics / Humor - The biographies “A Woman in Charge: The Life of Hillary Rodham Clinton” by Carl Bernstein, and the soon-to-be-released “Her Way: The Hopes and Ambitions of Hillary Rodham Clinton” by Jeff Gerth and Don Van Natta Jr. paint a less-than flattering portrait of the presidential contender. The books do not deal fatal blows to her campaign, but can she withstand the almost certain stream of tell-all books to follow? Here are a few examples of what Senator Clinton can expect:
• “Nothing Rankles Like Fat Ankles: My Seven Months in Hell as Hillary Clinton’s Pilates Instructor” by Stretch Dubenstein
• “I’m OK, You’re Dead If You Tell Anyone I’m Not OK: Dr. Phil’s Conversations with Hillary Clinton” by Dr. Phil
• “A Convenient Truth: Global Freezing Within 10 Yards of Hillary Clinton” by Frosty Hillerman
• “The Audacity of Proposing Comprehensive Universal Health Care: It looked Good on Paper” by Dr. What.
• “The year of Revengeful Thinking: After Hillary Clinton Met Her Private Investigator” by Betsé Frappuccino (staff cleaning woman for TMZ.com)
Politics / Humor - GOP presidential candidate and Mormon Mitt Romney addressed graduates of Pat Robertson's evangelical Christian University, even though Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network Web site describes Mormonism as a cult.
How far will Romney go to gain the favor of evangelical Christians? Apparently, not far enough. If he is going to succeed, he should consider doing the following:
• Propose making tobacco chewing an Olympic event.
• Offer an environmental program that includes solar-powered burning crosses.
• Insist that any affirmative action plan include heterosexual quotas for all Broadway musicals.
• Promise to ban all anesthetics since they are used in abortions.
• Provide certifiable documentation that none of his sperm has been ever used for recreational purposes (but only if it doesn’t cut into his in-breeder support in West Virginia).
Humor - Rosie O'Donnell's tenure on "The View" was shorter than expected. The big question now is: What’s next after “Estro-mania”? Her options are endless:
• Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell Arbitration and Mediation Center – “No dispute is too big to resolve.”
• The theatre event of the season! Rosie O'Donnell’s one-woman show: “My Name is Starr Jones”
• Today, Rosie O'Donnell christened her newest cruise ship, the S.S. Harvey Fierstein.
• In this month’s issue of Rosie II Magazine: 101 sure-fire sex tips guaranteed to turn on Rosie O'Donnell
• “I gained 30 pounds in only SIX WEEKS while on the O'Donnell Diet Plan. Thanks Rosie!”
Humor / Politics - Renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has devoted all of his time to pushing United States military forces out of Iraq. We can only speculate how history would be different if he had focused just a little effort on more positive actions:
Larry King Live: Larry’s guest host this week, renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, talks about eating disorders with Cathy Rigby, Mary-Kate Olsen, Justine Bateman, and Meat Loaf.
Project Runway / Judges / Bios: Renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr brings his “my way or off with their hands” attitude to “Project Runway" after heading and beheading Iraq’s acclaimed House of Black Burqas.
Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day telethon: You won’t want to miss appearances by Ed McMahon, Don Rickles, along with Steve and Eydie and renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s tribute to Irving Berlin.
The Rolling Stones were joined onstage by guest soloists Eric Clapton, renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr, and Peter Frampton.
Oprah’s book of favorite recipes includes renegade cleric Muqtada al-Sadr’s lamb cobbler.
Television - I have to admit that I’m not a diehard American Idol fan. I’d say my relationship to the show is more like a baseball “fan” who pays just enough attention during the regular season to know who’s still in contention, then decides which team to back during the second round of the playoffs. Typically I watch the audition shows for the car wrecks, then skip the Hollywood weeks, then start tuning in for the last one or two performances and the recap on Tuesday nights and the results shows on Wednesdays once they reach the top 12. It’s usually not until the top 8 that I start watching the full performance shows.
Still, I find myself inexorably drawn to the spectacle each year—like a moth to a flame, like a lemming to a cliff, like Randy Jackson to a sweet potato pie—and this year is no different. Once again they’ve got me hooked. But there are always things that keep me from fully enjoying the experience: questions; suggestions for making it better; things I’d like to see happen.
And so, I present my top 10 Idol Thoughts:
1) Get rid of Sanjaya Malakar. Once you’ve been parodied on Saturday Night Live you can’t be considered a credible contestant anymore. Sanjaya seems like a nice enough kid (though when he gives that massive, toothy grin I’m always afraid he’s about to eat Ryan Seacrest’s head), and maybe he actually can sing, but watching him is cringe-inducing. Each performance is more forced and desperate than the previous.
As far as I can tell Sanjaya’s ongoing success can only be attributed to one of three things:
A) Someone in his family owns a telemarketing firm in India and requires all their employees to vote for him each week
B) Idol has a huge NAMBLA following
C) People are confused and think they’re still voting for the new Keith on that Partridge Family show
Actually, at this point I hope that Sanjaya makes it to Disco Week because that’s when I think he’s really going to shine. Picture him strutting out in a big ‘fro, blue eye shadow, platform shoes and white satin pants, and putting the fire to some Gloria Gaynor. Now THAT would be entertainment!
Humor - Archaeologists in Italy have discovered two skeletons from the Neolithic period locked in a 6,000-year old embrace. When examining the bones and theorizing the couple’s relationship, it may be hard for scientists to check their male and female perspectives at the lab door.
Male scientist: The discovery of two committed adults sharing and ancient burial chamber for 6,000 years should put an end to the myth that Stone Age men were sexist pigs. Patrick Dempsey has nothing over this guy.
Female scientist: It could also be the first known occurrence of a man faking sensitivity to get into a woman’s tomb.
Egypt, 1300 BC
Dear Mr. Remmao:
I have filed your workman’s compensation claim as requested, but I have to say I am not optimistic. Even if we can prove there were flagrant safety hazards at the Pyramid construction site, the fact that you are a slave makes discussion of lost wages problematic.
Rome, 264 BC
Dear Mr. Junius:
As someone who has worked on countless gladiator disability cases, I can assure you that yours will be no problem. I have lined up three experts who will testify the wheel on your chariot was faulty. Even if that fails, we can prove the release you signed before being thrown into the lions pit was never notarized.
Humor - The Georgia Board of Education has approved the introduction of two literature classes on the Bible in public schools. This makes Georgia the first state to endorse and fund biblical teachings. The two classes are "Literature and History of the Old Testament Era," and "Literature and History of the New Testament Era."
The Board of Education also should consider other courses to supplement the Bible studies:
• Earth - The flattest planet in the Universe
• Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Charles Darwin, and other mythological figures
• The physics of magnetic yellow ribbons
• Jefferson Davis - The master who put the master in the Master Race
Television - Like millions of people, I’m addicted to Fox’s “24.” Each Monday for 20-some-odd weeks of the year I find myself eagerly looking forward to that night’s thrill ride episode, fully willing to turn myself over to the convoluted plot twists and suspend my disbelief that every terrorist threat takes exactly 24 hours to resolve. Yet this season I find myself suffering from a bit from intrigue fatigue.
It’s not that the quality of the show has diminished. In fact, I think it’s still one of the best written, acted, and plotted shows on TV. It’s just that with each successive season the tension level has gotten ratcheted up another notch and my nerves are getting fried. Frankly, I need a break.
So with that in mind, I offer the producers and writers the following outline for next season: a look into an average day in the life of Counter-Terrorist Unit (CTU) Agent Jack Bauer...without any imminent threat...just so I can get some sleep.
Humor / Politics - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his advisers created a 77-slide PowerPoint presentation identifying potential problems for his campaign and possible remedies. Here are some additional recommendations.
Never punish people by making them sit through a 77-page PowerPoint presentation.
Emphasize that his polygamist great-grandfather had sought help for his sexual addiction at Promises Malibu Treatment Center.
Beef up his foreign policy resume by including the week he spent at Club Med - Brigham Young.
Utilize his spouse. Example: Stepford Wives for Mitt.
Point out that his hair, though too perfect-looking, can stop a bullet at point blank range.
Humor / Television - “24,” television’s Chicken Soup for the Tortured Soul, has become a convenient answer to the popular question: Is it morally justified to twist a thumb or two if mankind and high Nielsen ratings hang in the balance?
Federal Agent Jack Bauer’s bone-crunching brand of civics lessons makes a good case for playing fast and loose with the Constitution. But if we allow ourselves to be governed by fictional characters in fictional situations, it is only fair we give other TV shows equal time.
“American Idol” makes a good argument against torture as an effective interrogation tool. The punishment Simon Cowell and his cohorts deliver to each competitor only emboldens them to keep singing. The threat of an all-expenses-paid trip to Guantanamo would never persuade most of these gift-less victims to confess ineptitude.
Humor - Rev. Ted Haggard has completed counseling and is now 100 percent heterosexual. The former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, who confessed to paying a male prostitute for sex and methamphetamine (which he claimed he never used), has been de-gayed and is raring to resume his husbandly duties.
Many programs designed to “de-program” homosexuals are based on standard 12-step programs. One of the key steps is making a list of persons the participant has harmed and making amends to them. Rev. Haggard’s program is no different.
Dear Damien -- During our week in the Keys, I constantly left the cap off the tooth paste. Please forgive me. By the way, I’m no longer gay. -- Ted
Dear Chuck -- It was thoughtless of me to plug in my Vibronator even though your house’s electrical system was not up to code. I apologize to you and everyone on your street who lost power. By the way, I’m now heterosexual. -- Ted
Humor / Television - The CBS reality show “Armed and Famous” was canceled after only four episodes. Once again, network executives must be scratching their heads: Who wouldn’t warm up to a lovable bunch of deputized has-beens and never-weres like Latoya Jackson, Erik Estrada, professional skateboarder and small person Jason “Wee Man” Acuńa, “renowned international fitness model” Trish Status, and heir to the Ozzie Empire: Jack Osbourne? Add the exotic Muncie, Indiana locale and they almost had a sure-fire recipe for a hit.
The producers should not give up. Celebrities packing heat may not be the way to go, but there are countless other people who should not be carrying weapons. It is just a matter of finding and packaging the ones TV audiences will love to watch. Here are just a few:
Armed and Sarcastic -- Each week, a group of acerbic vigilantes hunt down friends and associates who always take them way too literally.
Armed and Wistful -- Second rate poets shoot the love of their life and then write a haiku expressing their pensive yearning about what might have been.
Humor / Politics - Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are deciders.
Give me liberty because I’m the decider.
All men are created deciders.
I have not yet begun to decide.
Those who forget history are doomed to decide it.
Speak softly, carry a big stick, and be a decider.
The only thing we have to fear is fear of deciding.
…if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, "We were the deciders."
I have a dream that I am the decider.
Don’t worry, be a decider.
Posted by Ben Alper at 05:00 PM
January 23, 2007
He’s Heaving On a Jet Plane
Humor / Sports - Bill Parcells retired as head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.
How good a coach was he? Forget about the 183 wins, the three Super Bowl appearances, and the two World Championships. Here is the real mark of a champion: When coaching the Jets, he described a time when the stress of wanting to win so badly caused him to vomit in his mouth while sleeping.
Most people will do anything to avoid vomiting, including coaching an NFL team. Vomiting brought on by stress is one of the leading indicators someone is in the wrong line of work.
Do you vomit if the French fries you're making are just a little overdone? Maybe it’s time to give McDonald’s two weeks notice and think about flipping soy burgers at a Siddha Yoga Meditation Ashram. Did you upchuck during your wedding ceremony? You may have a few more issues to work out.
Humor / Politics - In his weekly radio address, President Bush labeled lawmakers who criticized his latest plan for Iraq “irresponsible.” He also challenged them to suggest solutions for extricating America from this hopeless predicament. Here are a few options that would seem to have a better chance succeeding than his.
• Appease the warring factions by offering each fighter a free subscription to Netflix.
• Sell the conflict to Donald Trump. You don’t think that’s possible? Who ever thought you could own a beauty pageant?
• Madonna adopts the Sunnis. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopt the Shiites.
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Posted by Spike at 01:10 PM
January 10, 2007
Muffin, the Catnip-Whore Kitty: Episode 5
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Posted by Spike at 09:11 AM
January 07, 2007
Muffin, the Catnip-Whore Kitty: Episode 4
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Posted by Spike at 09:28 AM
January 01, 2007
Muffin, the Catnip-Whore Kitty: Episode 3
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Posted by Spike at 11:06 AM
December 26, 2006
Muffin, the Catnip-Whore Kitty: Episode 2
DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance between characters in this strip and actual persons living or dead is unintentional. No actual cats were harmed in the making of this strip.
Posted by Spike at 11:44 AM
December 22, 2006
Little Trump-er Boy
Humor - Donald Trump’s recent dustup with Rosie O’Donnell once again shows that no matter how rich he is, he is still the loser everyone remembers from high school. This is the guy you couldn’t bring yourself to hate because you felt bad for him. This is the guy who couldn’t get a date to the junior prom, even with the help of "my father's bitchin wheels." And no matter how financially successful he became, you always assumed the hot the woman he brought to the class reunion was his cousin or a hooker -- or both.
Politics / Humor - Most folks agree Mitt Romney’s Mormon religion should not exclude him from being president. Still, the big question in the back of many minds is where does he really stand on polygamy? Is he truly against it? Is he just towing the official Mormon party-pooper line? Or is there another reason why he’s never been keen on keeping a bevy of brides?
Posted by Ben Alper at 09:52 AM
November 19, 2006
Toiling for the Toll-Free Man
Humor - A recent AP story by Anne D'innocenzio reports that Wal-Mart, the company only Ebenezer Scrooge (before visits by Christmas Past, Present, and Future) could love, is changing its tardiness policy. All employees must now call an 800 number -- instead of calling their supervisor -- when notifying the company they will be late for work.
The story quotes Wal-Mart spokesman John Simley as saying: “We are formalizing and enforcing the policy to ensure greater consistency and to minimize subjectivity.”
Minimize subjectivity? Since when has an excuse for being late supposed to be subjective? The art of a good excuse is being able to sound like you are waiting for AAA to fix your flat tire -- while lying in bed nursing a hangover.
Humor / Television - No television show is a better example of why the networks are becoming irrelevant than ABC’s “Lost.” Sure, it’s doing pretty well ratings-wise, and I admit I’ve watched it only briefly while channel surfing.
But here’s where “Lost” loses me: I can buy into all the quirky plot lines (at least the ones I’ve read about online). Heck, I used to think MASH was a documentary. Just tell me how that big fat character, Hugo Reyes can spend three seasons on a deserted tropical island -- an island without even a hot dog stand -- and not lose any weight?
Put any fat guy on a deserted island and within an hour he’ll be screaming for his desert. It is hard to believe these characters truly have been stranded for months when one of them looks like he just finished off a couple of Denny's Grand Slam breakfasts. If the producers really want to make this show seem realistic, how about a plot line where the other survivors discover Hugo’s stash of Snickers bars?
Humor / Politics - With only weeks to go until Election Day, President Bush can no longer sell his war in Iraq. Quitting is out of the question. It’s not like the Ford Taurus where you just shut down the production line. So why not take a page from his father’s playbook and propose 1000 Benchmarks of Light?
What, you may ask, is 1000 Benchmarks of Light? It’s a kinder gentler way of selling the war. Here are just a few:
Benchmark # 1: The Mosul Starbucks is able to serve two Banana Mocha Frappuccinos before being fire bombed.
Benchmark # 37: Abu Ghraib Prison’s electro-torture facility switches to solar power.
Humor / Music - No one knows what Adam and Eve’s tastes were when it came to music, but they were probably the first of continuous generations to proclaim, “They don’t play tunes like they used to.” Rap and most contemporary music created in the past 25 years aside, “they” will always play tunes like they used to -- sometimes even better.
As proof, consider “Moments to Remember,” a minor hit in the fifties by the Four Lads. It was written by the team of songwriter Robert Allen and lyricist Al Stillman. They were no slouches, having composed numerous hits like “Home for the Holidays,” “It's Not for Me to Say," and "Chances Are.”
Humor / Politics - Okay, it hasn’t been the best week for Congressman Mark Foley. But a good hard look at his situation would indicate it hasn’t been a total disaster. After all, he certainly is not the first politician who has had to deal with: being accused of sending inappropriate e-mails and instant messages to underage boys, entering an alcohol treatment program, announcing he's gay, and announcing he'd been molested by clergymen as a youth.
Well, maybe he is the first to hit the quadfecta, but it doesn’t mean all is lost. After all, this is America, and in America a person is innocent until destroyed by the media -- after which they can be resurrected by the media.
While spending his time in rehab dashing off sexually-suggestive apology notes to hot young studs, Foley should also consider his path to redemption. Here are some suggestions.
First stop: Oprah. All salvation tours begin with the Big O. There is a temptation to go low key and confess to a lesser talk show host. But do you want to risk Jerry Springer springing Todd, your former Palm Springs playmate on you?
Humor / Politics - With Election Day looming, many candidates must face facts: Their campaigns may not be going as well as expected and will need to consider drastic measures to be victorious in November.
Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has tried to sleaze his way back to the top but still finds himself trailing state treasurer Bob Casey. If he can’t turn things around soon, he may have to make a pact with the devil -- if Karl Rove is available.
Humor / Television - News that this season’s cast of “Survivor” will be divided into teams by race -- black, white, Asian, and Hispanic -- can only mean two things: reality shows are stretching for new ideas and other reality shows will probably copy them.
Race wars and the general ruin of society aside, this may be the kick reality TV needs to make viewers forget public television and dramas without crime scene investigations. Think of the possibilities:
“Big Brother, the Gangbanger Edition.” It’s Crips vs. Bloods, and you won’t want to miss what happens when it’s Tyrone’s turn to take out the garbage.
Humor - After being consumed by trivial conflicts in Iraq and Lebanon, and mundane terrorist threats in England, America’s priorities have finally refocused on the more important matter at hand -- the capture of JonBenet Ramsey’s alleged killer. The question is: From what next crisis will we be distracted by inconsequential issues like widespread poverty or World War III? Here are my best bets:
• Former Congressman Gary Condit denies any responsibility for the disappearance of eight of his nine mistresses within a four-month period.
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