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Politics / Humor- Get on board the Shove Train
You thought riding the T during rush hour couldn’t get more unpleasant? Think again, Claustrophobic Breath. The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority is introducing rush hour Red Line cattle trains with no seats. Ok, they’re leaving in a couple for handicapped riders, but even Mussolini’s trains had wheelchair ramps (so I’ve heard).
Why stop there? There are countless ways you can cram a subway car. Here are just a few.
- Piggyback Mondays
- Groping Tuesdays
- Spooning Wednesdays
- No Exhale Thursdays
- Casual Sex Fridays
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor- In her bra and under the table
The FBI is subpoenaing records from All Checks Cashed check-cashing stores in search of other places former State Senator Dianne Wilkerson may have hidden money. Here are a few other leads the agency is chasing down:
- For three years, Wilkerson had a no-show job at the Little Bit of Ecuador Landscape Service.
- During her first term in office, the former senator worked as a part-time exotic dancer until a constituent stuffed thousand-dollar bills into her G-string, causing her to tip over and break a hip.
- Wilkerson has purchased Victoria Secret specialty bras in three sizes: fives, tens, and twenties.
- To avoid taxes, Wilkerson may have stashed thousands of dollars in a Cayman Islands halter top.
- A video has reportedly turned up on YouTube showing Wilkerson stuffing money into City Counselor Chuck Turner’s pants while asking, “Can you break a twenty?”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Boston City Hall is so ugly...
Boston City Hall was named by the Web site, VirtualTourist.com as the world’s ugliest building. But don’t despair. It doesn’t take much to turn an awful edifice into a sassy structure. For example:
- Replace the roof with a wooden shingle comb-over.
- Install curtains in the Memino Rumpus Room.
- Audition for the reality show, “Trading Municipal Spaces.”
- Hire a structural therapist to help BCH feel better about itself.
- If all fails, get an estimate from the guy who works on Joan Rivers.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Toll hikes voted by the Mass Turnpike Board (along with its new slogan: “If you have to ask how much, you should be hitchhiking”) have given new meaning to the term “road rage.” But there are ways to beat the system. Here are just a few:
- Find a 13-year-old computer geek who can re-program your Fast Lane device.
- Learn the toll collector’s secret Teamster wink.
- Sign up for the Backstroke-to-Logan shuttle
- Trade your car in for a fire engine.
- Carpool with an elected official.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor
Fidelity announced it's cutting 1,300 jobs. It also used the occasion to unveil its new Asset Mismanagement and Stifled Growth funds.
Rumor 1: Deval Patrick will leave office to take a job in the Obama administration -- just as soon as he can find 1200 college students willing to rent his Berkshire manse for $27,000 a month.
Rumor 2: John Kerry will leave office to be Barack Obama's Secretary of State -- just as soon as his possible successor, Marty Meehan, can hire an excavator to dig up his war chest.
Rumor 3: Ray Flynn will leave no particular office to be Barack Obama's Ambassador to the Knights of Columbus.
Officials are scrambling to prepare for the State's newly-liberalized marijuana laws. Backers of the bill assured authorities they should "just chill out and pass the Doritos."
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor- It's not over until the stuffed lady is elected president of her cell block
Dianne Wilkerson may have been busted, but she's also a bust size away from being re-elected. With her base energized to vote for Barack Obama, all she needs is a catchy phrase or two to whip up her troops. Consider the following:
- Let her who is without sin stuff the first bra.
- Today is the first day of the arrest of your life.
- Woman does not live by silicone implants alone.
- We have nothing to fear but fear, and a man with a camera and microphone posing as a developer.
- No one asks how many years Dolly Parton has been taking payoffs.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - How do you stuff a wild state senator?
Playtex announced that Dianne Wilkerson will be endorsing its new "Cross Your Heart with Cash Bra." The garment has been designed to lift and separate bribes, kickbacks, slush funds, and any other piece of the action.
Wilkerson says she will make a public statement, but only after finishing filming her final installment of "Cops: The Diane Wilkerson Story."
Wilkerson will also receive this year's Marion Barry Lifetime Achievement Award in honor of her dedication to staying one step ahead of the law -- almost.
If you would like to contribute to the Dianne Wilkerson Defense Fund, please stuff any undergarment with cash and send it to her immediately.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Budget cutbacks fall on RMV
Due to a $2 million budget reduction, the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles will cut branch hours. But shorter hours won’t be the only noticeable changes in customer service.
- The eye test will now consist of answering the following question: How many middle fingers am I holding up?
- Road tests will now include driving RMV employees to Dunkin Donuts.
- Customer lines will be automatically closed when they reach the New Hampshire border.
- Bring your own license photo. However, naked pictures will not be allowed for people more than 25 pounds overweight.
- Registrar Rachel Kaprielian will listen to all complaints -- but only from an underground bunker in an undisclosed location.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - State Senator Dianne Wilkerson, who lost to Sonia Chang-Diaz in the primary, may face disbarment proceedings for lying during her nephew’s murder trial. She is also being asked to pay for a new bible after the one she was swearing on exploded.
Senator Wilkerson still intends to run for re-election as a write-in candidate. Despite her primary loss and ongoing legal problems, only two politicians -- Gov. Deval Patrick and State Senate President Therese Murray -- are supporting Chang-Diaz in the General Election. Said a non-committed Boston Mayor Menino: “I have no intention of pissing off the African American community -- and I can say that with absolute conviction because no one can understand what I’m saying.”
Police union members protesting new rules allowing some roadway projects to go on without paid police details, picketed two work sites in Everett and Revere. Revere police Captain James Guido spurred his men on by reciting his “I have a dream job” speech.
Massachusetts Treasurer Tim Cahill asked the Federal Reserve and U.S. Treasury if the state can take out a short-term federal loan if credit markets remain frozen and the state can’t pay its bills. The government answered, “No, but we can lend you some lovely Lehman Brothers paper weights.”
The Boston Herald has endorsed John McCain for president. Angry readers responded: “What about Jack Bauer?”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Gov. Deval Patrick signed a bill that lowers the blood donor age to 16. This corresponds with last year’s new law that lowered the minimum age for getting a vampire license.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Sonia Chang-Diaz finally defeated 15-year incumbent Dianne Wilkerson for the office of state senator. The victory, however, will not be official until Chang-Diaz drives a wooden spike into Wilkerson’s chest.
A stunned Dianne Wilkerson would only comment, “I thought the last-minute endorsement by John Buonomo was going to push me over the top.
The Massachusetts Republican Party has opened a Metrowest operation to help elect John McCain. Its new slogan: “Who hasn’t contradicted themselves five times in one speech?”
Half of all Massachusetts public schools this year failed to meet the standards established under the No Child Left Behind Act. However, most did meet more of the standards established under the No Child Left in the Car While Mom and Dad Gamble at Foxwoods Act.
Governor’s Councilor Kelly Timilty, who admitted forging Gov. Deval Patrick’s signature her on campaign mailings and falsely claiming he was endorsing her, was reelected. She thanked her supporters, and key advisors Mohandas Gandhi and President Woodrow Wilson.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Five possible reasons why Deval Patrick, Michael Capuano, and Tom Menino are supporting Dianne Wilkerson for re-election:
- Everybody deserves a 20th or 21st chance in life.
- She’s promised them guest appearances on “America’s Most Wanted.”
- “When you see a guy reach for stars in the sky, you can bet that he's doing it for some doll.”
- They need her for the Jim Marzilli roast.
- It’s change we can heave in.
Boston officials are installing a variety of fitness equipment at every city fire station. The Boston firefighters union is providing additional instructions on how to safely go for a disability-causing burn.
Former Governor Jane Swift is leading John McCain “truth squad,” defending vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin. An energized Swift told McCain, “Just give me a helicopter and I’m there.”
The Boston City Council is considering conducting its business in secrecy. Confused citizens responded, “The Boston City Council conducts business?”
Joe Biden, raised $900,000 at two Massachusetts fundraisers. This breaks the previous record it took to make him stop talking.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - The Massachusetts Republican delegation returned from their presidential convention energized and excited -- until they remembered that Jane Swift is a soccer mom, too.
John Kerry debated his first primary opponent, Ed O’Reilly, in 24 years. It was also the first time the confident Kerry debated while wearing bicycle pants and a T-shirt that read: “Ask me how many homes I own.”
Mitt Romney has ruled out a cabinet post in a McCain administration. However, Romney said he will consider retaining McCain after Bain Capitol’s purchase of the United States.
The State of Massachusetts has opened a new office in Beijing to promote the state’s businesses. The office will be run by Hwang DiMasi and Zhang Fitzgerald
Boston Mayor Tom Menino is attending a conference in Cernobbio, Italy. After his first speech, a Menino aide looked at the audience and said, “Don’t ask me. I don’t know what he’s saying either.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - MBTA general manager Dan Grabauskas gave nine percent raises to 240 executive employees one week after warning that a financial crisis could cause a hefty fare increase in 2010. Here are some better ways to pay for the salary increases:
- The new Charlie Scratch Card.
- Corporate sponsorship of subway station urine smell.
- Increase efficiency by appointing Dominos Pizza in charge of scheduling.
- Pari-mutuel subway rodent racing.
- Appoint John Buonomo in charge of payroll. He always knows where to find some extra cash.
According to a recent poll, 40 percent, a plurality, of respondents feel Gov. Deval Patrick is a worse governor than they expected. The other respondents think his real name is Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter.
This weekend was Massachusetts’ annual tax holiday in which the state’s five percent sales tax is suspended. It’s the one weekend each year you can get bargains on electronic equipment, clothes, and politicians.
Gov. Deval Patrick is scheduled to speak on the second night of the Democratic National Convention. He will speak glowingly of his friend Barack Obama and propose that all military troops in Iraq be replaced with civilian flaggers.
The Boston Public Library board of trustees chose Amy E. Ryan as its new president of the city's library system. Ryan thanked the board for their support -- then told them to keep their voices down.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor -
John Buonomo, the Middlesex register of probate, who was caught on videotape stealing thousands of dollars from copy and change machines at the Registry of Deeds, is still running for reelection. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
- It’s not easy having an evil identical twin.
- At least they didn’t videotape me photocopying my bare ass.
- My name is John Buonomo and I’m a sleepwalker.
- Lesser registers of probate would’ve claimed they strained their backs lifting the cash and applied for disability.
- Where’s the video of me making a fresh pot of coffee every morning?
Salem State College plans to go ahead with a John and Elizabeth Edwards speaking appearance Sept. 23. However, the evening’s theme has been changed from “Family and Politics” to “Cold Stares and Quiet Tension.”
A group of vandals broke into Plimoth Plantation, damaged fencing, and stole beaver pelts and furs. Authorities are warning citizens to be on the lookout for anyone trading animal hides for maize.
Gov. Patrick is moving forward with a plan to replace some paid police details with civilian flaggers. However, some issues need to be worked out:
- Who will train the flaggers to drink coffee and talk on their cell phones?
- Will flaggers get a bump in pay if they earn a Masters degree in flagging techniques?
- When hiring flaggers, will preference be given to former fan dancers?
- Can out-of-state gay illegal immigrants be flaggers?
- Should drivers be required to salute the flaggers?
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - House Speaker Sal DiMasi and Speaker Pro Tempore Thomas Petrolati collected $42,000 in two days from eye doctors and their lobbyists just before a law that would’ve hurt their business was put on hold. The two have also been nominated for “Progressive with a Heart of Sleaze” awards.
State Senator Dianne Wilkerson has agreed to pay a $10,000 fine as part of a settlement with the attorney general's office for charges that included failing to report $26,935 in donations and paying herself $18,000 from her campaign funds. She said her biggest mistake was reading the book “Political Ethics, DiMasi Style.”
Despite massive state deficits looming, state legislators approved a pension increase for state workers that could cost more than $3 billion over the next 20 years. However, to offset the expenditure, they voted to raise the tax on a pack of cigarettes to $10,000.
The Legislature also voted to tax Manny Ramirez’s salary no matter where he's playing.
Increased gasoline and other costs have driven the number of MBTA riders to record high numbers, which basically means if you ride the T today, there is a better than 75 percent chance your nose will be wedged into another passenger’s armpit.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Humor - If you’re wondering what Massachusetts is like since same-sex marriage for out-of-state residents became legal, it’s been a disaster.
Within minutes of the law’s passage, busloads of impeccably dressed men in tuxedos streamed across our borders. Every copy of Indigo Girls singing “Ave Maria” was snatched up. Traffic in Provincetown came to a standstill as stretch limousines jammed its narrow streets.
But the worst was yet to come. A rebel offshoot of Rev. Sun Myung Moon’s Unification Church rented Gillette Stadium. Within minutes, 73,000 Judy Garland impersonators had said “I do.” This was followed by a Mormon lesbian biker chick tying the knot with 359 women, each baring a striking resemblance to Suze Orman.
Things have started to calm down, but outbreaks of “Sunrise, Sunset” still occur without warning. And yes, as predicted, the increase in gay marriages has given our state’s economy a shot in the arm. But there was no need to replace the guy in Faneuil Hall Market Place who portrays Paul Revere with Harvey Fierstein doing scenes from “Torch Song Trilogy.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Tom Menino is furious about the firefighter disability scams and is not going to take it any longer. The mayor, a master of the shutting-the-barn-door-after-the-horse-is-gone style of governing, vows to end this shameful practice. But this is just the beginning:
• Menino promises to fine Paul Revere for operating a lantern in the Old North Church without a fire permit.
• The mayor says he will not sleep until the hooligans who disrupted 1918 Red Sox World Series celebration are apprehended.
• As of September 15, citizens will not be allowed to graze their cattle on the Boston Common without a permit.
• The mayor also promises to launch a full investigation of why the Inspector of Cattle Grazing hasn’t showed up for work in 196 years.
• Finally, Menino has appointed a special prosecutor who will, once and for all, find out who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
The Massachusetts House of Representatives gave initial approval to a bill that would require all legislation be written in a gender neutral language. The bill was sponsored by Representatives Pat Jones, Lee Smith, and Terry Harper.
Jeff Beatty, the Republican challenger to Sen. John Kerry believes that if John McCain picks Mitt Romney to be his running mate, the GOP will carry Massachusetts in November -- and drive Beatty’s numbers up into the single digits.
The Mass Pike will not use prison labor to lower its operating costs. However, it will continue to use escaped convicts as toll takers.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli refuses to step down after being arrested for a series of peculiar sexual incidents. Once again, a politician has put his supporters in the position of holding their noses in silence. It’s hard to defend Marzilli staying in office and collecting a salary. But if you have to, try these explanations with your conservative friends:
• Sure he could quit, but that Prius isn’t going to pay for itself.
• The man is an inspiration for all bipolar politicians who have attacked numerous women.
• There are lots of ways to serve your constituents -- for example, spending 24/7 in psychiatric lockdown.
• Are you telling me you never called in sick for ten months?
• He’s not absent. He’s participating in a highly medicated civic engagement.
Boston firefighter Albert Arroyo, who competed in the International Natural Bodybuilding & Fitness competition in May despite being “permanently disabled” from a work-related back injury, has been ordered back to work. Arroyo announced he has begun training for next year’s International Sleazeball Employee Bodybuilding & Fitness competition.
The Mexican government announced it will honor Sen. Edward Kennedy for his defense of immigrant rights. In a related story, Lou Dobbs has been placed on a 24 hour suicide watch.
State Treasurer Timothy Cahill has proposed cities and towns use off-the-shelf building designs to cut school-project costs -- or as he’s calling it: One size detention room fits all.
The New England Patriots Charitable Foundation and the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston are sponsoring a workshop that will give financially stressed homeowners the opportunity to sit down with lenders in an attempt to broker solutions. The number one solution: Don’t mortgage your house trying to buy Patriots tickets.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - The E.P.A. plans on banning boaters from emptying waste into Cape Cod Bay. Landfills expect to see an increase of cans, paper, and gamblers unable to pay off their loans.
Gov. Deval Patrick signed a $28.1 billion budget for the new fiscal year, while vetoing $122.5 million from the Legislature's spending plan – including a Slight of Hand seminar for Mass. Turnpike toll takers.
Framingham plans to redevelop potentially contaminated industrial sites. Some possible uses are:
• Up Chuck E. Cheese
• No Balance Shoe Outlet
• Radiation Shack
• Bed, Bath & Barf
• Illegal Seafood
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Barack Obama has widened his lead in Massachusetts over John McCain. On the bright side for the Republican candidate, McCain has pulled even with Grace Ross.
Secretary of State William Galvin certified 12,000 signatures on a petition to put the initiative to abolish the state income tax on the ballot. In a related move, the Legislature voted to abolish the words “initiative” and “ballot.”
The Massachusetts Republican Party held its annual Lincoln Reagan Dinner. Why is it called “Lincoln Reagan?” Probably for the same reason it's called “Sweet and Sour.”
Convenience store tycoon Christy Mihos is talking about running for governor again – a daring move for someone whose chances are Slim Jim to none.
Massachusetts’ new renewable energy bill requires utility companies to offer rebates and incentives for customers who upgrade lighting and air conditioning systems. During summer months, obscene phone callers will also be awarded rebates for heavy breathing with a mouthful of ice cubes.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain has been endorsed by one of his Vietnamese jailors during his five-year imprisonment at the “Hanoi Hilton.” McCain also has been endorsed by the group, “Bataan Death March Guards for Truth.”
Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton will have a series of fundraisers in New York next week. Each Obama and Clinton event will follow a steel-cage death match between “Macho Man” Randy Savage and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin,
Barack Obama spent the Fourth of July with his family in Montana – a favorite vacation spot for Muslim presidential candidates who refuse to say the Pledge of Allegiance.
Fighting to get his campaign in gear, John McCain said, “This is a tough race. We are behind. We are the underdog. That's what I like to be.” McCain also reminded reporters his best pickup line as a teenager was, “I have no money. I have bad breath. I have a small penis. Would you like to have sex in my VW Bug?”
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Politics / Humor - An 86-year-old time capsule was dug up in Boston’s Dudley Square. Its contents included:
• 400 hundred votes purchased by Mayor James Michael Curley
• A petition to legalize betting on indentured servant racing
• A written pact by Gloucester teenage girls, each agreeing to have at least eight children before they turn 21
• A proclamation by Governor Calvin Coolidge declaring every weekday to be “Don’t Even Think About Bringing Your Daughter to Work Day”
• A “Yankees Will Suck for Years to Come” t-shirt
• A pair of Reebok’s “revolutionary new” coal shoveling shoes
Ten Mass. Turnpike Authority toll collectors have been charged with skimming thousands of dollars from taxis and other vehicles passing by their booths near Logan International Airport – thus answering the question constantly asked by the suspect’s wives: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A trolley driver on the MBTA’s Green Line has been suspended for being asleep at the wheel. Riders sensed something was amiss when the train passed without stopping through Kenmore, Cleveland Circle, Providence, and New York City.
Drunken-driving arrests in Massachusetts have risen 70 percent in the past two years. As for the cause, authorities aren’t ruling out the new combination Fast Lane transponder / cocktail mixer.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Time magazine reports that 17 girls at Gloucester High School are pregnant, and a group of freshman had made a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. Experts have not been able to pinpoint when the added interest in getting knocked up now occurred. However, recent events in the town may have contributed:
• Due to political correctness, the school mascot was changed from the Fighting Redmen to the Leaking Condoms.
• Career Day included representatives from 12 strip clubs.
• Grading for sex education was changed to one percent testing and 99 percent class participation.
• The Abstinence Awareness Club chose “Love to Love You Baby” as its theme song.
• The Gorton’s Fisherman finally found a doctor willing to prescribe Viagra.
Gary Zerola, a former Boston prosecutor and one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Bachelors,” who has also beaten three rape charges (so far), was arrested for hitting a police officer and urinating in public while celebrating the Celtics championship win. He was also just named one of People magazine's “Most Eligible Urinating Rapists.”
Massachusetts health authorities announced hospitals and doctors who operate on the wrong limb or give an unsafe dose of medication will no longer be able to bill the state or Blue Cross and Blue Shield for costs related to fixing the mistake. Said one angry doctor: “It’s getting to the point where an incompetent doctor can’t make a living in Massachusetts.”
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Massachusetts produces more twins, triplets, and other multiple births than any state in the nation. The rate is expected to double if Gloucester lowers its drinking age to eight.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s administration’s top 20 accomplishments, published on his Web site, reads like a chapter from “Profiles in Padded Resumes.” Kudos to the governor’s Secretary of Action Verbs. The following are a few achievements that didn’t make the final cut:
21. Increased daylight during the spring and summer months.
22. Streamlined the state purchasing process by requiring staff members to order only medium coffees with cream and one sugar.
23. Commissioned a study to find out why 99 percent of voters think “civic engagement” is when a Honda tries to mate with a Camry.
24. Attempting to retrieve half of the $1 billion Life Science Initiative money being used to resurface Speaker Sal DiMasi's bocce court.
25. Initiated an emergency chain of command for when the governor is out of state at book-signings.
Fenway Park’s food stands were cited for more than a dozen health and safety violations, including putting pine tar on a Polish sausage.
A Nantucket man was sentenced to 25 years in prison on federal pornography charges of filming himself engaged in sex acts with young girls in Asia. His lawyer complained the judge kept cutting him off after each time he started to say: “There once was a man from Nantucket.”
Horace White, a Boston DPW dispatcher, suspended for a second time for being asleep on the job, was arrested on charges of setting a house on fire. The city has a name for people like this: Employee of the Year.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - The Tweeter Center for the Performing Arts in Mansfield has been renamed the Comcast Center. All shows will now begin sometime between 7:00 and 11:00 A.M. or 1:00 and 5:00 P.M.
House Speaker Sal DiMasi’s close friend and financial adviser, Richard Vitale refused to appear at a hearing to answer questions about allegations he lobbied on behalf of a group of Massachusetts ticket brokers. However, he did offer to appear after DiMasi’s close friend and pool cleaner, but before his close friend and dog walker.
Senator John F. Kerry will have a primary challenger for the first time in 24 years. Kerry says he isn’t worried, but he did ask the City of Boston to move the fire hydrant back in front of his house.
A seven-year-old Cambridge girl almost had her finger chewed off by a rat after she stuck it in a garbage can. A city spokesman said the rats couldn’t be removed because the can had been declared an official Sanctuary Disposal Container.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - State Senator James Marzilli Jr. being charged with attempting to inappropriately touch a woman on a park bench in Lowell, giving a false name to police, and fleeing from officers can mean only one thing: Republicans still have no chance at winning his seat.
New England Patriots offensive lineman Nicholas Kaczur was arrested in April on a charge of illegal possession of prescription painkillers. He then secretly helped the federal Drug Enforcement Administration in a sting operation. Officials also offered thanks to Kaczur’s coach Bill Belichick for the use of his video camera.
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston has offered to let a small Indian Catholic community move into a closed Framingham parish. A grateful Indian official commented, “Now we’re going to show them how you really do Bingo.”
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Boston Mayor Menino suspended his Department of Public Works Chief Dennis Royer for three weeks after it was revealed that Royer allowed a systems analyst to telecommute from her family’s home in Venezuela for 15 weeks. He was also docked two weeks sleep.
Police killed a bear roaming through a Worcester neighborhood. State wildlife officials speculate the bear was heading for an electrolysis appointment at Elizabeth Grady.
This day in history, 1863 - The Boston Herald received its first letter to the editor in response to its story about Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address:
“Hey Abe, where’s my property tax relief? – Josiah, Woburn”
Jim Ogonowski, who is challenging US Senator John F. Kerry, came up 82 signatures short of qualifying for the GOP primary ballot. He blamed it on the fact that hard-working Americans are losing their signatures to illegal aliens.
ben.alper@onlineoffbeat.com
Politics / Humor - Top Stories
John McCain’s campaign released over a thousand pages of his medical records that show the Senator to be in good health. His records also turned up some other interesting medical information:
Page 47: Since 1980, McCain has been treated unsuccessfully for a condition that causes him to change political positions every time he blinks.
Page 178: John McCain is intermittently allergic and attracted to President Bush.
Page 249: The Senator suffers form a binge-purge syndrome that causes him to embrace wacky evangelical ministers when courting conservative voters and then drop them when the mainstream media starts paying attention.
Page 554: McCain threatened to stab a male nurse with a tongue depressor after it was suggested the Senator sign up for an anger management workshop.
Page 1045: McCain has an almost unhealthy dependence on lobbyists.
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has been selected to be the Libertarian Party’s presidential candidate. The only problem now is how to run for government office without government involvement.
While campaigning in Puerto Rico, Hillary Clinton told a crowd of supporters that the proudest moment in her father’s life was when he joined the Sharks.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Announcer: (Cue drum roll) Ladies and gentlemen! Put your hands together for the funniest guy in politics! The man who put the “less” in tasteless. The one, the only, Mike Huckabee!
Mike Huckabee: Thank you, thank you so much. Let me tell you, I just flew in from the coast and boy, are my angel wings tired.
But seriously, what can I say about that Barack Obama. He’s looking good, particularly from a grassy knoll. Hello, is this microphone on?
And then there’s Ted Kennedy. Ted, you’re supposed to seize the moment, not your chest. What is this, the Camelot Room?
Is that Hillary Clinton tough or what? Did you see the last debate? Barack Obama looked like Vince Foster begging for his life. But you know, aside from the Jews and Muslims, we’re all brothers. You’re a beautiful audience. Good night.
During a speech to 1,500 global policymakers and business leaders in Egypt, President Bush said “Too often in the Middle East, politics has consisted of one leader in power and the opposition in jail.” The president then added, “You guys may be on to something.”
John McCain warned 6,000 people at the NRA’s annual convention that a President Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton would put the rights of “law-abiding” gun owners at risk. An hour later, he promised members of Code Pink he would outlaw standoffish attitudes.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton’s embracement of John McCain’s summertime gas tax break gimmick is a last ditch attempt to get working-class support -- and it’s working! But why stop there? Here’s how she can keep the pander-fest going.
• Pledge to reduce the price of pork rinds during NASCAR season.
• Promise to order the National Gallery of Art to dedicate an entire wing to Elvis-on-black-velvet paintings.
• Add the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to her MySpace Friends list.
• Deliver groceries to a poor family living in a trailer home/crystal meth lab.
• Continually mention in passing that she always wears her American flag bra strap pin.
John McCain said he didn’t mean to imply that the U.S. involvement in the Iraq war had anything to do with America’s reliance on foreign oil. He added, “We shouldn’t even be thinking about that until we’ve been there at least 75 years.”
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in presidential caucuses on Guam -- in spite of vicious rumors that his actual name is Biff Johnson.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Heading into the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, Barack Obama said, “There's no doubt that a campaign has to continually fine-tune itself.” Here are some suggestions that may help push him over the top:
• At the very least, wear a Reverend Wright “God Damn American” lapel flag.
• Forget the debates; challenge Hillary Clinton to a drinking contest.
• Every new campaign ad must contain at least one Monica Lewinsky subliminal message.
• Reach out to the working class. Propose a law that says “Jeopardy” cannot be harder to play than “Wheel of Fortune.”
• End every speech with “…and if they don’t like it, they should go back to where they came from!”
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate. Obama said, “I’d love to but my stove pipe hat is at the cleaners.”
The Washington Post reports that President Bush’s plan to contract federal jobs to the private sector has fallen short. However, Wal-Mart is still accepting part-time applications for Secretary of Interior.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The New York Times reports that the Pentagon used a group of high-ranking retired military officers, each now a military contractor, to appear on news shows and promote the Bush Administration’s Iraq policies. Here are some of their comments that didn’t make it on the air:
• Pay no attention to that Bush flunky clutching my balls.
• The United States has no chance winning in Iraq without my new combination night vision goggles/electric toothbrush.
• To show you how well my WMD detector works, we’ve hidden a nuclear bomb under one of your seats.
• Tim, I’m wearing a pair bullet-proof underwear and loving it!
• Oprah, let me just say this: You get a tank, and you get a tank, and you get tank and you get a…
A Washington Post article questions whether John McCain’s bad temper will prevent him from getting elected or affect his ability to govern. It might if his first State of the Union Speech begins with: My fellow Americans, you want a piece of me?
Pope Benedict XVI became the first pope to visit an American synagogue. He was greeted with cries of “Wow, now that’s a Yamaka!”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton and John McCain have branded Barack Obama an elitist for saying that small-town voters in economically distressed areas are “bitter.” Obama must take immediate steps to show he’s a regular guy. Here are some suggestions:
• Pledge to appoint a Secretary of NASCAR.
• Be videotaped at a firing range shooting at bottles of Gray Poupon.
• Pledge to use his position as ex-president to eventually earn $109 million in about eight years.
• Announce he’s started smoking again and is up to three packs of Camels a day.
• Dump his wife and marry a woman who is both babe-a-licious and heiress to a beer distributorship fortune.
The New York Times reports that former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is having a hard time finding a job. In fact, he’s so desperate he’s placed an ad on Monster.com reading, “Will say ‘I don’t remember' for food.”
John McCain outlined his plans to ease the burden on struggling American homeowners. The plan is very simple: If you no longer own a home, you won’t be struggling.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Despite allegations of fatal shootings of civilians and tax violations, the State Department has renewed Blackwater USA’s multimillion-dollar contract to protect diplomats in Baghdad. However, Blackwater, which has received almost $1.25 billion in federal contracts since 2000, must adhere to the following conditions:
• During training sessions, Blackwater cannot invade West Virginia.
• All Blackwater human resource personnel must follow the Geneva Conventions when interviewing persons for secretarial help.
• Each Blackwater employee must partake in a yearly comprehensive three-second review of the United States Constitution.
• No waterboarding USO entertainers.
• Monthly status reports must be printed on index cards (until George Bush leaves office).
According to just-released records, Sen. Hillary Clinton and former President Clinton have made nearly $109 million since they left the White House. And that’s not including money for Hillary’s upcoming book, “It Takes a Gated Village.”
Former Republican Rep. Bob Barr has formed a presidential exploratory committee and may seek the Libertarian party nomination. Possible campaign slogans include: “I’m not joking. I’m really running for president.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During an appearance on ABC's “The View,” Barack Obama implied that his former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright regrets his incendiary statements. In fact, since retiring, Wright has pledged to:
• Bless a factory that manufacturers American flag lapel pins.
• Nominate the Tuskegee Syphilis Study for a long-deserved Nobel Prize in medicine.
• Criticize Rosa Parks for taking a white insurance executive’s seat on a bus.
• Thank policemen for taking an interest in his life each time they ask: “How can a black guy afford a car like this?”
• Let the world know that no man has contributed more to African American culture than Charlie Pride.
New Cuba President Raul Castro is letting citizens have cell phones, thereby allowing them to call friends and relatives to say, “Stroke, stroke, stroke.”
Mitt Romney appeared with John McCain at Republican fund-raiser in Utah. This was the hardest thing Romney has had to do since switching from Honduran to Guatemalan landscapers.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Hillary Clinton learned this week that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is just not that into her. As a result, here are a few things suddenly removed from Richardson's schedule:
• Discuss upcoming fantasy football draft with Bill Clinton.
• Deliver key note speech to “It Takes a Village” chatroom.
• Judge Miss Chunky Chick beauty pageant.
• Be fitted for “Richardson/Clinton 2008" velour sweat suit.
• Say to Hillary Clinton each night, “Really? I didn’t know ‘La Bamba’ was your favorite song.”
Dick Cheney celebrated Easter at a nondenominational service in Jerusalem. It was his most profound religious experience since he cashed his first Haliburton check.
A registered sex offender is running for mayor of Wilmer, Texas. His campaign slogan is: “I never met a man on the Internet, claiming to be an underage girl, I didn’t like.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Meg Whitman, eBay’s outgoing CFO, is going to co-chair John McCain’s national presidential campaign. Here are five fund-raising ideas she may not have considered:
• Highest bidder gets a Straight Talk Express steering column that keeps veering to the right.
• Top 10 bidders receive all-expense paid anything courtesy of Boeing.
• Top 25 bidders get to visit U.S. troops in Iraq any time during 2085.
• Top 50 bidders will spend a week with McCain’s mother at a fantasy shuffleboard camp.
• Top 100 bidders will receive a photo of McCain’s forehead on which is an image of the Virgin Mary.
Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been removed as “spiritual adviser” to the Barack Obama campaign. However, the campaign is in talks with a free agent spiritual advisor who has been clocked at 4.3 seconds in the 40-yard dash across water.
With the Pennsylvania Primary in mind, the Obama campaign is also entertaining thoughts of going with an Amish spiritual adviser.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Samantha Power, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and unpaid adviser to Barack Obama, resigned on Friday after calling Hillary Clinton “a monster.” Nothing, of course, could be further from the truth as demonstrated by the following comparison:
• Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist. Hillary Clinton was raised by an overbearing father.
• The Creature from the Black Lagoon was played by actor Ben Chapman (who recently died on February 21, 2008). Hillary Clinton is played by herself.
• Godzilla has appeared in 28 movies. Hillary Clinton has appeared in 20 presidential debates.
• Dracula sucked the blood out of unsuspecting victims. Hillary Clinton has sucked the innocence out of Barack Obama’s childhood.
• King Kong carried a woman to the top of the Empire State Building and then gently set her down. Who knows what Hillary Clinton did with most of Bill’s girl friends?
President Bush vetoed legislation passed by Congress that would’ve banned the CIA from using waterboarding and other interrogation techniques considered by most to be torture. Bush added, “In order for this administration to function, we must be able to torture both terrorists and the English language.”
A John McCain adviser said Karl Rove is now informally advising the campaign. McCain said it was purely coincidental that after their first meeting, the Senator remembered that one of his jailers in Vietnam was Hillary Clinton.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Keys to this week’s Super Tuesday:
• Ohio -- Hillary Clinton must convince voters that only she can prevent Cleveland’s Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum from being moved to Bombay.
• Rhode Island -- Barack Obama needs to tailor his message to the nation’s tiniest state: Small Change We Can Believe In.
• Texas -- Remember, es la economía, estúpido.
• Vermont -- It’s a rocky road without the support of Ben & Jerry.
Dmitry Medvedev, Vladimir Putin's hand-picked successor, easily won Russia's presidential election, causing President Bush to complain, “If Clinton and Obama can’t pronounce his name, what chance have I?”
John McCain has refused to renounce the endorsement of Texas televangelist John Hagee who is accused of being anti-Catholic, anti-gay, and anti-black. An amazed McCain added, “And yet he doesn’t hate the Jews.”
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Ralph Nader announced he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Here are some possible campaign slogans:
• Yeah, it’s me again.
• My suit will be ready on day one.
• Admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like if I were in charge.
• Can you spare some change we can believe in?
• If I don’t win this time, my relatives will have me committed.
The Bush administration announced U.S. telecommunications companies have agreed to cooperate “for the time being” with spy agencies’ wiretaps -- as long as surveillance targets agree to a two-year service contract that includes phone, cable, and Internet.
John McCain denied his campaign is being run by lobbyists -- during his daily Verizon press conference and before his Sealy Posturepedic nap.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Struggling to close a $4.4 billion deficit, New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer has proposed making drug dealers pay tax on their illegal drugs. Here are some other taxes and fees the governor should consider:
• Prostitutes are levied a graduated booty tax, which would depend on how much junk they’re packing in their trunk.
• Salespeople must buy a license to sell fake Rolex watches out of a car.
• Squeegee men must charge a 10 percent tax on each vehicle which can be collected by threatening to urinate on it.
• Crack addicts will pay an excise tax on all valuables stolen to supply their habit. Amy Winehouse will be charged double.
• Police must pay a tax on all bribes and payoffs, but can deduct the cost of laundering dirty cash. There is also a 10 percent reduction if your name is Serpico.
President George H.W. Bush has endorsed John McCain -- but only after son Neil emerged from a Bangkok brothel and announced he wasn’t running.
In the Netherlands, people protested outside a theater where a 104-year-old singer who once performed for Adolf Hitler sang for the first time in four decades. He didn’t help his cause when he goose-stepped across the stage using a walker.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
On Saturday, Barack Obama easily swept the Louisiana, Washington, and Nebraska presidential contests. Key factors included:
• Louisiana -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for Fats Domino’s piano style.”
• Nebraska -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for the popularity of corn on the cob.”
• Washington -- Hillary Clinton should never have said, “President Johnson’s Great Society programs were partially responsible for rainy weather and the Windows operating system.”
After winning the Kansas caucuses, Mike Huckabee said, “I didn't major in math. I majored in miracles, and I still believe in them.” His next miracle: President McCain appoints him Secretary of Freebies.
Dick Cheney joined with lawmakers in signing a Supreme Court brief that goes further in support of gun rights than the one submitted by the Bush administration. He then boarded an F-16 fighter jet to go pheasant hunting.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Five biggest questions that will decide Super Tuesday:
• Does Romney have enough hair gel to cover 20 States?
• Can Hillary Clinton get her likeability ratings above Osama bin Laden’s?
• Will Rush Limbaugh’s meds kick in before his attacks on John McCain cause irreparable damage?
• Can Bill and Hillary stop Roger Clinton from endorsing Barack Obama?
• Will Mike Huckabee be able to channel an endorsement from Stonewall Jackson?
Bad week for Rudy #1 -- Rudy Giuliani's concession speech included thanks to his wife, Judith, her daughter, Whitney -- but not his own kids. Apparently, he’s still angry at them for skipping Thanksgiving at his mistress’ apartment.
Bad week for Rudy #2 -- Diego Caiola of Miami Beach gives a two-hour Gianni Versace Murder Tour that ends in front of the mansion where the former fashion designer was shot. It's almost as popular as the tour that ends where Rudy Giuliani's candidacy died
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Barack Obama’s easy victory in the South Carolina Democratic primary and his overwhelming support from blacks indicate the Clintons have not reached out enough to African Americans. Here are some suggestions for Bill and Hillary:
• Secure a new quote from Toni Morrison: “Hillary Clinton will be the nation’s first Black Panther president.”
• Post a Hillary and Charles Rangel “I Got You Babe” duet on YouTube.
• Suggest the Clinton’s are equally involved in the White- and Blackwater scandals.
• Claim that Hillary’s mother marched with Martin Luther King and George Romney.
• Spread a rumor: Barack Obama’s real father was a Rhodesian plantation owner named Emil.
John McCain has accused Mitt Romney of being a manager and not a leader. Romney responded with a scathing PowerPoint presentation.
Caroline Kennedy has endorsed Barack Obama. Asked why, she responded: “After marrying a Jew, endorsing a black for president was the only way I could get my grandfather to roll back over in his grave.”
Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter Liz has signed on as one of Mitt Romney's senior foreign policy advisers. Her best advice: "Whatever my dad did, do the opposite."
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Bush administration is about to announce the overhaul of FEMA. Among the changes:
• To eliminate confusion, disaster victims will be told to flee their homes in alphabetical order.
• If relief does not arrive for flood victims within a reasonable amount of time, Anderson Cooper can be used as a floatation device.
• People living in FEMA trailers must also be provided with biohazard pajamas.
• President Bush must be notified within six months upon the commencement of a major emergency response.
• FEMA’s toll-free emergency phone line has added the following item to its menu of options: “Press 9 to find out if anybody is in charge.”
John McCain has won the South Carolina Primary, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Hillary Clinton has won the Nevada Democratic caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
Mitt Romney has won the Nevada Republican caucuses, proving that American is ready for new leadership.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, is asking for a recount. Kucinich is suggesting possible voter fraud, but there may be other reasons for his low number of votes:
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
• Members of “Short People for Kucinich” couldn’t reach his button on the voting machines.
• Experts underestimated the ability of “Vegans for Hillary” to get out the vote.
• People can’t get the image of Eleanor Roosevelt with a pierced tongue stud out of their heads.
• He’s Dennis Kucinich.
Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal was arrested the day before the New Hampshire primary in Nashua, N.H. on a charge of drunken driving -- just minutes after he announced Clinton was beating Obama among 18-39-year-old moose.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
The Iowa Caucuses – What have we learned?
• Mike Huckabee has proven there’s one thing Jesus wouldn’t do: charge exorbitant consulting fees to help a Republican win.
• Bill Clinton thought selling the country on the idea of universal health care was tough -- until he tried to sell Iowa on the idea of Hillary as president.
• “Mitt Romney spent millions of dollars in Iowa and all he got was this lousy T-shirt.”
• Barack Obama has a powerful and inspirational message: “I am not Hillary Clinton.”
• John Edwards could crash into the sun and still not catch fire.
The New Hampshire Primary – What will we learn?
• Mitt Romney reached the end of the road. Or has he more positions than a triple-jointed contortionist?
• Evangelical Christian voters from Iowa will be disappointed when their favorite candidate addresses a group of “Nashua Pagans for Huckabee.”
• It takes the average Wellesley College undergraduate years of counseling to erase the trauma of canvassing door-to-door one weekend for alumna Hillary Clinton.
• Barack Obama’s message of hope will be enough to win over New Hampshire voters. Or will he need to dip into Oprah’s swag bag?
• The Granite State will be the biggest test for Ron Paul. Can his blimp make it over Mt. Washington?
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories of 2007
• Nicole Kidman denies she is pregnant.
• Mitt Romney announces he believes Nicole Kidman is pregnant. One week later, he says he believes she isn’t, claiming his opinion has evolved.
• Hillary Clinton refuses to acknowledge she was wrong when she said she believed Nicole Kidman was pregnant.
• Rudy Giuliani admits authorizing a police escort for Nicole Kidman to buy a First Response Pregnancy Test Kit at a Long Island drug store.
• Barack Obama pledges to unite people who think Nicole Kidman is pregnant and people who think she made up the story for publicity.
• Mike Huckabee criticizes other candidates for “politicizing Ms. Kidman’s situation,” saying, “This is just between her, Jesus Christ, and the NRA.”
• John Edwards criticizes the Nicole Kidman pregnancy gossip as another example of “the inequities between A-list and B-list celebrities.
• Joe Biden refuses to comment on whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, “This country is going to hell in a hand basket, and not one reporter has asked me about Jamie Lynn Spears!”
• Fred Thompson refuses to say whether he thinks Nicole Kidman is pregnant, but acknowledges, “I may have gotten smashed at a cast party and done God knows what. If so, I’ll do the gentlemanly thing and marry her.”
• Dennis Kucinich refuses to take a position on Nicole Kidman’s possible pregnancy, saying, “Why should I care? My wife is hotter and taller.”
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Are you surprised to learn Mitt Romney watched his father march “hand in hand” with Martin Luther King? Don’t be. He’s not the only candidate whose relative touched greatness.
• Hillary Clinton’s husband, Bill received his first penicillin shot from the grand nephew of Louis Pasteur.
• Mike Huckabee’s father, the first member of the Columbia Record Club, collected 10 free wax-coated phonograph cylinders from Thomas Edison. He then signed up his entire family and collected 300 more.
• Barack Obama’s mother appeared on Art Linkletter’s short-lived show, “Wives Have the Weirdest Last Names.”
• Rudy Giuliani watched his uncle march a Joe Valachi associate into the trunk of a waiting car.
• Dennis Kucinich’s father was business partners with ObeWanKanobe.
According to a CNN-WMUR poll, Hillary Clinton is beating Barack Obama, 42 percent to 25 percent among females -- although both are trailing Joe Biden among female impersonators.
Mike Huckabee is adopting a tougher stance on immigration. For example, he now feels no illegal immigrant should be allowed to stay in this country until he or she has vacuumed Huckabee’s pool.
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney needs to stem the Huckabee tide and quick. Here are some suggestions:
• 150-slide PowerPoint presentation: “Connecting with the Little People.”
• Deliver a “Torture in America” speech. Few Americans know where Mormons stand on waterboarding.
• Match Huckabee freebie for freebie. Never turn down another complimentary continental breakfast.
• It’s not enough to demand Huckabee apologize to Bush for saying the president had a “bunker mentality.” Romney should also send his landscaping company over to mow the bunker’s lawn.
• Acquire, at any cost, the endorsement of Larry the Cable Guy.
To soften her image, Hillary Clinton has been campaigning with her mother and daughter. To toughen her image, she plans to campaign with a Joseph Stalin impersonator.
Rudy Giuliani has been reworking his stump speech. Key changes: avoid words that rhyme with “affair,” “motel,” and “quickie.”
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
While working for television evangelist James Robison, Mike Huckabee said he made himself sound more knowledgeable by reading issues of Reader’s Digest. In fact, he prepped for his last debate while waiting to get his teeth cleaned.
Shortly before she married Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham tried to enlist in the Marines. She was rejected when a recruiter told her, “You're too old, you can't see, and you're a woman.” Or as Bill calls that: “My closing-time dream date.”
The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on the Spanish language network Univision. Here are the five least-subtle pandering statements made:
• Fred Thompson -- If elected president, I will declare salsa to be the national condiment.
• Mitt Romney -- No one should be allowed to be a citizen of this country unless they can speak English or operate a leaf blower.
• John McCain -- Now Freddy Prinze, there was a comedian!
• Mike Huckabee -- Pardoning Pablo Escobar would’ve been the Christian thing to do.
• Rudy Giuliani -- I’d send a limo half way around the world to pick up Rita Moreno.
In 1992, Mike Huckabee advocated isolating AIDS patients from the general public and opposed increased federal funding in the search for a cure, saying homosexuality could “pose a dangerous public health risk.” However, he did propose decreasing Arkansas Medicaid fees on leeches and exorcisms.
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Politics / Humor -Top Story
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney will give a speech at the George Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Texas this week, explaining his Mormon faith. In order to reach out to evangelical Christians, Romney will begin his talk with: “Ich bin ein Okie from Muskogee.”
Top five headlines from a Giuliani presidential administration:
• Air Force One flies First Lady to jazzercise class
• Air Force One flies First Mistress to jazzercise class
• Attorney General Bernard Kerik sworn in at his Rikers Island cell/office
• White House intruders identified as president’s children from second marriage
• Government olive oil contract awarded to Giuliani Partners
Keith Kerr, the retired gay Army colonel who, during the CNN/YouTube Republican Debate, asked the candidates about their views on gays in the military, turned out to be connected to the Clinton campaign. The Clinton campaign responded: “Thank God! We thought it was Barbra Streisand without her makeup.”
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Politics / Humor -Top Story
The Middle East peace talks begin this week in Annapolis, Maryland. Here are President Bush’s five keys to a successful conference:
• Even though it’s the holiday season, do not lead the participants in a rousing rendition of The Dreidel Song.
• Do not try to settle any differences with a mountain bike race.
• No watching TV during negotiations.
• No new nicknames for world leaders without first clearing them with Condoleezza Rice.
• The Golan Heights are not a WNBA team.
Barack Obama said the experience of living in another country as a child gave him a better feel for international issues than other candidates. Joe Biden was quick to point out he’s a regular customer at International House of Pancakes.
Mike Huckabee has been endorsed by pro wrestler Ric Flair, thus clinching the support of voters who think Mike Huckabee was Tammy Wynette’s third husband.
John Edwards says we can lower the cost of heating oil by increasing regulation of oil companies and promoting energy efficiency -- or closing off the back wing of his mansion during the winter.
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Bernard B. Kerik revealed his defense strategy when he proclaimed: “My life has been marked by challenge…, “Whether it was growing up, being a cop, Rikers Island, the New York City Police Department, or the worst challenge, until this time, my challenges during and after 9/11. This is a battle I’m going to fight.”
Here is a sample of what the government can expect:
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you disclose the $250,000 loan from a wealthy Israeli industrialist whose companies did business with the federal government?
Kerik: 9/ll
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report as income the $255,000 in renovations to your Bronx apartment?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: Why didn’t you report the $20,000 consulting fees in 2002?
Kerik: 9/11
Prosecutor: What is the capitol of Indiana?
Kerik: 9/11
Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani for president. Robertson said it’s the hardest thing he’s had to do since voting for Sanjaya on “American Idol.”
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Hillary Clinton said the other candidates are not piling onto her because she’s a woman, but because she's winning. Bill Clinton said it doesn't matter. He just loves the image.
Fred Thompson said he was unaware of his campaign co-chairman’s drug dealing past. Although in retrospect, Philip Martin's nickname, “Mr. Medellín,” should have tipped him off.
Former Vice President Walter Mondale has endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton for president. In addition to his support, Mondale told Clinton, “Feel free to use my ‘Where’s the beef?’ line. It never fails to kill.”
The New York Times reports the Bush administration is considering plans to close Guantanamo prison. Here are five possible uses for it:
• Guantanamo Bed, Breakfast, & Waterboarding Inn.
• Disney World - Guantanamo -- It’s a small cell after all.
• George W. Bush Presidential Library and Enhanced Interrogation Center.
• Club Med - Guantanamo -- You’ll come for the sun. You'll stay because we say so.
• Motel 6 - Guantanamo -- We’ll leave the light on -- until you talk.
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
Mitt Romney explained that his mixing up the names of Osama bin Laden and Barack Obama was simply a mistake. He also said this when he referred to:
• Hillary Hitler
• Massachusetts Gov. Deval Putin
• Rudy Mussolini
• O.J. McCain
• Attila the Huckabee.
Fred Thompson is pledging to get tough with illegal immigrants -- just as long as it doesn't cut into his nap time.
Five signs you’re suffering from campaign debate fatigue:
• You’ve seen every pant suit owned by Hillary Clinton.
• You can identify Mike Gravel and Ron Paul.
• You change channels if you know there won’t be any shots of Dennis Kucinich’s babe-alicious wife.
• You know when Rudy Giuliani will say “9/11” before he does.
• The candidates start to make sense.
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Politics / Humor -Top Stories
President Bush has imposed new sanctions against Myanmar. These include:
• Cancellation of “Queer Eye for the Myanmar Guy”
• Import ban on all Myanmarian brutal military officer bobble-head dolls
• No more White House Myanmarian karaoke nights
• Removal of the Myanmar double cheese burger from all restaurant menus
• No Myanmar NFL expansion team
Hillary Clinton said illegal immigrants will not be covered by her proposed healthcare plan -- unless they can afford a $50,000 co-payment in her also-proposed "Norman Hsu Campaign Donation Health Plan."
Lynne Cheney said she’d be uncomfortable with Hillary Clinton as president -- and yet she goes to bed each night knowing she may be shot in the face.
Critics question Nancy Pelosi's decision to push for an Armenian genocide resolution in Congress -- particularly since we’ve yet to acknowledge the brutal thumpings received by the Notre Dame football team.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Atlantic City Mayor Robert Levy has disappeared after calling in sick a week and a half ago. Here are five possible scenarios that may explain his whereabouts:
• He is taking former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s advice to get in touch with his inner cabaret singer.
• He is waiting in line for Bruce Springteen tickets.
• He is being forced to listen to the long version of how Donald Trump bagged Miss Wyoming.
• He needs more time to rehearse his scratchy voice before phoning again to claim he really is sick.
• He suffers from the most common ailment in New Jersey -- disappearing without a trace.
President Bush said he may be willing to compromise on Congress’s proposal to expand the State Children's Health Insurance Program -- if Congress is willing to specify that all heart and liver transplants will be performed on an out-patient basis.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
During the latest Democratic debate in New Hampshire, leading White House candidates could not guarantee to pull all U.S. combat troops from Iraq by 2013 -- or as it is now being called: the nuanced response heard round the world.
A lawyer representing some inmates at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba says he has been prohibited from giving his clients such items as Speedo swimsuits and Under Armour briefs. Authorities, however, claim that before interrogations, prisoners receive the option of being tortured in boxers or briefs.
In his just-released autobiography, “My Grandfather's Son,” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas attempts to set the record straight about his contentious nomination hearings. For example, what actually impressed him about Long Dong Silver was the porn star’s ability to use service station rest rooms without leaving his car.
The airport men’s room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested has undergone renovations. Changes include:
• Each stall has a TV broadcasting Fox News.
• The middle stall has been endowed by George Michael.
• Translators fluent in Spanish and French hand signals are now on duty.
• Thursday is Bojangles tap night.
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Politics / Humor - Top Stories
Mitt Romney released a 67-page booklet called “Strategy for a Stronger America” in which he presents 10 challenges for a stronger nation. Here are some challenges that didn't survive the first draft:
• Curbing out-of-control campaign promises
• Ending the tide of illegal immigrants -- after they've finished mowing my lawn
• Confronting radical jihad --- preferably with the help of somebody else’s kids
• Criminalizing abortion by Monday -- and legalizing it by Wednesday
• Winning the global economic competition -- while earning $8.50 an hour with no benefits
President Bush accused the Democratic Congress of out-of-control spending, proving once again, he’s the man who puts the chutz in chutzpah.
Rudy Giuliani “accidentally” received another cell phone call from his wife during a speech to the NRA. Will it help promote him as a family man? It depends if the call was from wife number 1, 2, or 3.
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Politics / Humor - Dogging allegations
While waiting to appear with his future companion on “Oprah” to plug their new Boise bed and breakfast as well as his I’m-glad-I-got-that-off-my-newly-waxed-chest memoir, Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) has hired a legal team that includes Michael Vick's lawyer, Billy Martin. This case may have nothing to do with a dog-fighting gambling ring, but it does raise the obvious question: When betting on anonymous men’s room sexual encounters, how can you tell who’s winning?
In a related story, Mitt Romney announced he’s never set foot in a public restroom.
In a related story to the related story, Mitt Romney announced he did knock on restroom stall doors in the 1960s but only while doing missionary work.
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Humor / Politics - Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his advisers created a 77-slide PowerPoint presentation identifying potential problems for his campaign and possible remedies. Here are some additional recommendations.
Never punish people by making them sit through a 77-page PowerPoint presentation.
Emphasize that his polygamist great-grandfather had sought help for his sexual addiction at Promises Malibu Treatment Center.
Beef up his foreign policy resume by including the week he spent at Club Med - Brigham Young.
Utilize his spouse. Example: Stepford Wives for Mitt.
Point out that his hair, though too perfect-looking, can stop a bullet at point blank range.
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Politics / Humor - Most folks agree Mitt Romney’s Mormon religion should not exclude him from being president. Still, the big question in the back of many minds is where does he really stand on polygamy? Is he truly against it? Is he just towing the official Mormon party-pooper line? Or is there another reason why he’s never been keen on keeping a bevy of brides?
Mass. Politics - Republican values of God, guns, gays, and ghoulishly-handsome governors aren’t cutting it in Massachusetts. Kerry Healey’s impression of Dead Candidate Walking didn’t help. No one likes a one-party system, but is it asking too much for a candidate who can do a decent Frank Sargent impersonation, and doesn’t pander to right-wing radio knuckle draggers?
Humor / Mass. Politics - Things Mitt Romney needs to do to complete his transformation from moderate to conservative Republican:
• Change his name Billy Joe Romney
• Claim to have proof of WMDs in Cambridge
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